3 months out and feel insane

[foreal]

Dday was 3 months ago.

 

The anvil doesn't live on my chest anymore, it only visits a couple times a day now.

 

I raged hard core the first 6 weeks, but lately I am better at controlling my anger (IC has helped).

 

But today, I went insane. I flipped. I got so pissed. I had a baaaaad dream starring you know who last night. And today, I flipped out and went on a full verbal assault- I was so mean, said horrible things, in a horrible way.

 

Does the anger creep up always and come back forever?

Should I burn all the evidence? I havent looked at it in awhile- not at all, even forgot at times I had it.... but today there I was again, looking looking looking, like an insane person. I want to R, but I cannot let go of that stuff, the anger of it all....and it fuels me, the bad me...so will burning it help me stop going insane?? Will getting rid of it help free me of this?

 

My WH is trying really hard, a textbook remorseful WH doing IC, MC reading, transparency blah blah blah etc..see, there is that anger.....

 

please help.

[Athena]

Sometimes I think the reason why we 'flip' every so often, is so we don't forget... because when we forget (become complacent) we feel Vulnerable, which leads us to experience fear, then hatred, etc etc

 

What a mix-up! Meh... been there done that... it comes and goes, each time the peak is less, and the wave interval longer and longer until you don't experience it anymore. Hang in there.

 

Did your H listen/put up with your anger over the dream? What was his reaction?

 

Do you think if he Insisted you Stop, that would help?

[foreal]

Athena thank you for posting.

 

I did not tell him about the dream....I know, i should have.

 

we had a nice lunch planned today- for us to go on his lunch break..and we did..but the whole way driving to meet him I was seething....of course after he left for work this a.m. I started going thru the evidence, phone bills, hotel receipts etc. which got me more worked up..

 

plus, I saw an email on his Bberry (I have full access to all his stuff) this a.m. (when I woke from the dream I went and checked his Bberry which I hadnt done all week) and there was a message from a female coworker dated this past Tuesday who was leaving the firm asking my H and another male coworker to lunch before she left...my H did not even open it. The other man opened it and responded..H opened that one..anyway, H did not ever respond to her however the other male did and he set up lunch CCing my H.

 

But I was pissed b/c he did not tell me she asked him to lunch...yes yes, she asked 2 males, and H did not even respond...still....

 

The whole lunch I faked it, pretended...kept thinking to myself "yea, I see, so this is what you were doing to me for 9 months, playing along, ha ha isn't it all great our life" all the while seething..and he had no clue b/c I faked it well...he never asked me, "So how are you doing?" It was all light and fun for him and dark and angry for me.

 

After lunch he sent me a sweet sweet text..i responded with venom.

Then he attempted to defend himself and was shocked I was sayiing these things..he thought we had a great lunch....which just sent me over the edge...

 

And I guess he finally had it...b/c I have dished out sooo much.

 

Long story short, he did insist it stop. And he meant it..I think I have berrated him enough over this, but it is like a monster that comes out of me..which is why I am wondering if I should burn the evidence, b/c that just seems to work me into a frenzy....

[Athena]

I feel for you, I have been in your position (several times) and it is Very Difficult to get a handle on yourself... as for the evidence... I kept it... for a decade I still have photos of his OW... until I showed him them last month and he took them away (supposedly threw them out... ahem).

 

I don't think it is particularly healthy to look at the evidence. Ask yourself why you are keeping it -- is it for 'proof' in case you ever decide to divorce? Or is it to Remind Yourself What the Bastard is Capable of?! (this was why I kept it all)

 

Please -- if you haven't already done so -- start a journal, it really helps.

 

And -- next time you feel in a rage, Tell your H -- briefly what you are feeling and move on.

[foreal]

I think I am struggling with whether I can ever get over this.

 

I apologized to my H for being so vile..his reply, "It's not your fault. I am the cause of this, not you. I devastated you, I am sorry, you have nothing to be sorry for"

 

H said he called his IC after our email and word war...Ic said he does not see much hope for us..I was shocked! How could an IC say this w/o knowing me? H says he has shown him my emails and read the ones from today to him.....it is embarrasing.

 

so I asked H, "So your IC thinks I am a lost cause?" and H says, "No. He thinks I have devastated you too much, that some people just cannot over it"

 

How do I know if I am one of those people?

 

I am going to start a new thread onthat..maybe others who have and have not can provide some insight on that.

 

I am devastated

[Spark1111]

Foreal, everything you are experiencing is completely normal!

 

I would take issue with any counselor who said I was a lost cause 3 months later when it is a known fact that it takes BETWEEN 2 AND 5 YEARS TO OVERCOME AN AFFAIR, the same time it would take you to overcome a divorce should you decide to do that.

 

Get another counselor, one who specializes in infidelity.

 

Do not hide your feelings for the sake of sweetness, verbalize them as best you can so they do not boil over into rage. But you still may rage, and that is okay too.

 

It's okay to say exactly how you are feeling in the aftermath of an affair. Do not pretend to be okay if you are not. Share those feelings.

 

I, too, obssessed over the phone bills and bank receipts. I think I wanted to know the full extent of the betrayal I was being asked to forgive (NORMAL) and, eventually, to become desensitized to it.(ALSO, NORMAL). In time, I was, but a long rocky rollercoaster of emotions had to be experienced until I was on solid footing.

 

It takes more courage to reconcile than to divorce. Sometimes I wanted an escape from the pain, and running away to end the marriage would have been soooo much easier.

 

I stayed, but had one foot out the door for a very long time. (ALSO NORMAL) My husband is still doing the heavy lifting to preserve us.

 

I can now forgive him for the affair. Harder are the lies and deception which fueled the affair. I love him, but can I ever respect him again? Time will tell.

 

And I have imposed very strict boundaries in our relationship. Lunch with a female co-worker? Doubtful I'd allow it 3 months after DDAY unless I was also invited to join them, because I trusted NOTHING about his behavior and rightfully so.

 

I, too raged and then hated myself for raging. I did not even recognize myself. In time, it abated.

[Gamine]

Oh wow. The raging. I know you are probably not going to want to hear this, but for me the raging continued for quite some time. There are a spectrum of emotions that are going to fall upon you as if they are pennies from heaven. Dropping on your head like Chinese Water Torture.

 

I couldn't believe it when it was happening. I'd think, okay... now I'm here, in this place, emotionally. Okay. Then WHAP. A 180 and now its something else. Insomnia became my middle name and now I have extremely weird sleeping habits.

 

I kept some of the evidence as a reminder of how close he took our lives to the flames. I kept a photo of the OW as a reminder to him, and me, of who he almost threw his life away for. I kept some things so that I could see how I have evolved... how my perspective changed.

 

You are still a 'babe in the woods' 3 months out. You will be blown away at how bizarre it can get. I never saw it coming and I had developed hypersensitivity in a way. Always on alert. It can be exhausting. The thing is I wasn't necessarily 'on alert' for cheating. I was just placed into emotional hyperdrive.

 

My husband's affair showed me who he is 'capable' of being. It is up to him who he is. I have come to a place where I can accept human frailties and failings and not feel threatened by them. My husband must now show me who he has become.

[DNU1]

Foreal, everything you are experiencing is completely normal!

 

Yep, completely normal...believe me, I've lived through three DDays.

 

I would take issue with any counselor who said I was a lost cause 3 months later when it is a known fact that it takes BETWEEN 2 AND 5 YEARS TO OVERCOME AN AFFAIR, the same time it would take you to overcome a divorce should you decide to do that.

 

Yep, I agree again. Takes a LONG time...

 

Get another counselor, one who specializes in infidelity.

 

....

 

It takes more courage to reconcile than to divorce. Sometimes I wanted an escape from the pain, and running away to end the marriage would have been soooo much easier.

 

I must disagree on this poin...COMPLETELY! Attempts at recovery for me were difficult, but much easier than divorce. Putting myself and my needs on the back burner & putting her first, the kiddos first, our extended family and friends first and trying to recover the marriage...that was no where near as hard as handing her divorce papers!

 

Maybe just me, but putting my needs first, making the decision to end the marriage went against every fiber of my soul. Because I was putting my self above her, kiddos, family, etc, which I had never done before. I HAD to divorce her because I could NOT live like that any more. I had to do this for me.

 

I'm almost three months past d-papers-day and it still sucks arse. She cries and asks for another chance, the kiddos cry just about every night when I put them to bed, family doesn't know how to interact with me because virtually no one in our family has divorced.

 

This completely sucks.

 

But in my heart and mind I know this is the right decision for me. I must move forward and must stay the course. It's gut-wrenching watching my family break apart, but as my STBx states, the affairs and lies were her responsibility and hers alone.

 

I stayed, but had one foot out the door for a very long time. (ALSO NORMAL) My husband is still doing the heavy lifting to preserve us.

 

Make him do the heavy lifting. Make him adhere to your strictest boundaries. Make him show you with his ACTIONS, not his words.

 

Hang in there. Brighter days are ahead. God Bless.

[foreal]

Foreal, everything you are experiencing is completely normal!

 

I would take issue with any counselor who said I was a lost cause 3 months later when it is a known fact that it takes BETWEEN 2 AND 5 YEARS TO OVERCOME AN AFFAIR, the same time it would take you to overcome a divorce should you decide to do that.

 

Get another counselor, one who specializes in infidelity.

 

Do not hide your feelings for the sake of sweetness, verbalize them as best you can so they do not boil over into rage. But you still may rage, and that is okay too.

 

It's okay to say exactly how you are feeling in the aftermath of an affair. Do not pretend to be okay if you are not. Share those feelings.

 

I, too, obssessed over the phone bills and bank receipts. I think I wanted to know the full extent of the betrayal I was being asked to forgive (NORMAL) and, eventually, to become desensitized to it.(ALSO, NORMAL). In time, I was, but a long rocky rollercoaster of emotions had to be experienced until I was on solid footing.

 

It takes more courage to reconcile than to divorce. Sometimes I wanted an escape from the pain, and running away to end the marriage would have been soooo much easier.

 

I stayed, but had one foot out the door for a very long time. (ALSO NORMAL) My husband is still doing the heavy lifting to preserve us.

 

I can now forgive him for the affair. Harder are the lies and deception which fueled the affair. I love him, but can I ever respect him again? Time will tell.

 

And I have imposed very strict boundaries in our relationship. Lunch with a female co-worker? Doubtful I'd allow it 3 months after DDAY unless I was also invited to join them, because I trusted NOTHING about his behavior and rightfully so.

 

I, too raged and then hated myself for raging. I did not even recognize myself. In time, it abated.

 

yes, I thought my H's IC stepped out of bounds too...My H was really upset when he called him and the 'help' provided is 'hey your W probably wont get over this...'? His IC told him this his very first session too...that he (IC) has seen a lot of infidelity cases and there are some people who just cannot accept a marriage once this has happened....and I guess he is right as here at LS there are posters who have not...just seems unproductive to tell a patient this..or mayb eit is a way to prepare the patient for a possible D...

[NoIDidn't]

yes, I thought my H's IC stepped out of bounds too...My H was really upset when he called him and the 'help' provided is 'hey your W probably wont get over this...'? His IC told him this his very first session too...that he (IC) has seen a lot of infidelity cases and there are some people who just cannot accept a marriage once this has happened....and I guess he is right as here at LS there are posters who have not...just seems unproductive to tell a patient this..or mayb eit is a way to prepare the patient for a possible D...

 

Nah, some counsellors just suck. There are a number of posters on LS that have said that they are counsellors and have cheated. It really does a number on them. And sometimes the counsellors are the ones doing the projecting.

 

To me, it makes them a little less helpful in the counselling department because they seem biased - no matter which way they seem biased (to the M or to the A).

[foreal]

With regards to the counselor, to be fair, you don't really know what your H and the C have talked about, or what question or series of thoughts led to those statements. The C is there to help HIM, not the M at this point. Are you also in MC?

 

Good point SadinTexas..yes we are in MC and I am in IC.

 

And you are right, my H and I spoke more about this and he provided me with more context. And you are also right, the C is there to help my H, not the M..and good God does my H need help. He is an emotional wreck...worse than me...