After 35 years, the thought of her cheating has come back

[mel47]

First, we are older than most who post here. We have been married 40 years. Thirty five years ago she told me she didnt love me, took our child and moved out. I had no idea she had found someone else. It was all a lie. I caught her with him, half killed him, and broke them up. After all that I still loved her. Eventually we reconciled, I took her back, and to this day love her with all my heart, as she does me.

 

For some unknown reason, two years ago, all the doubts and hatred came back. I can't get the whole sordid episode out of my mind. I have been on medication after medication from my GP with no help. I love her, trust her, and have absolutely no doubt that I have been the only one since that horrible night. Why now, why has it come back, and why can't I get it out of my mind. She doesnt know and I cant tell her. It would destroy everything. Help me.

[hoping2heal]

It's possible you never trully forgave her back then. A 5 pound bag of flour seems a lot heavier after carrying it several hours as opposed to minutes. If you've been carrying this burden for all that time no wonder it's so consuming. Why did you get meds from a GP may I ask?

[OpenBook]

This is just my opinion, and based on solely your first post -- so I hope you will bear that in mind in my attempt to help you.

 

You need to figure out what occurred two years ago that triggered all these negative emotions to return. Was it a fight you had with her? Did her behavior change? Was there an event in the family (i.e., a beloved family member died; children moved away; etc.)? Did you read a book or see something on the news? Or did you start looking at the rest of your life - and how you're going to live it?

 

This is important. Knowing what triggered it will help you figure out why the emotions have returned so suddenly and strongly... and why you can't shake them off.

 

Also, I'm not convinced "it would destroy everything" to tell your W what you're going through. Clearly your marriage is made of stronger stuff than that. She has been your life companion for 40 years. You've both made it together through much worse. If you hope to get any kind of resolution and any chance at happiness with your W and your future, then you need to tackle this together.

[OpenBook]

Also, I should add that it's been my observation of my parents and their couple friends (all of whom have been married 50+ years), that in the latter years the men become increasingly clingy and dependent on their wives. I don't know if it's from aging or from the effects of medication (such as cholesterol-reducing drugs) on their brains. But it is a marked departure from their normal behavior. For example, my Dad didn't like it if Mom was out shopping (or anywhere else) after dark. This was not a problem previously; and during the day he was fine. It was the darkness that disoriented him.

 

Maybe you are going through the same thing... and the memories of your wife abandoning you are making it even worse?

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't know if it's from aging or from the effects of medication (such as cholesterol-reducing drugs) on their brains. But it is a marked departure from their normal behavior.

I also wondered if the OP's mental state could be the precursor of some medical issue. Mel, if you don't mind saying, what is your GP treating you for and what meds have you tried?

 

Mr. Lucky

[mel47]

My Dr. has been treating me with depression type meds. He says that sometimes things like this happen due to a misfiring of neurons in the brain whereby a thought never ends, it just fires in a loop. Thus the reason for the over and over occurences. I really cant put my finger on anything that triggered it to begin with. I know that I am going out of my mind and dont see any hope for recovery.

 

I would love to tell my wife about it but she is still carrying the guilt herself. To let her know that it still bothers me woud only hurt her. I just suffer in quiet. I might add that she has been the best wife and life partner any man could ask for all these many years since we reconciled. I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but I am one miserable human being.

 

Thanks for trying. I just need someone to talk with.

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe it helps to look at there things as two separate issues - your illness (if you're comfortable with the word) and your marriage. What most people that are are cheated on would ask of their spouses is that they do their part of the work to heal the marriage. It sounds as though, for 35 years, your W has done that and then some. That's all you can ask of someone. Were it not for your depression, the past wouldn't be an issue.

 

Hang in there and keep posting. It may just be a case of finding the right medical treatment, sometimes takes a while. Have you also considered IC?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darth Vader]

My Dr. has been treating me with depression type meds. He says that sometimes things like this happen due to a misfiring of neurons in the brain whereby a thought never ends, it just fires in a loop. Thus the reason for the over and over occurences. I really cant put my finger on anything that triggered it to begin with. I know that I am going out of my mind and dont see any hope for recovery.

 

I would love to tell my wife about it but she is still carrying the guilt herself. To let her know that it still bothers me woud only hurt her. I just suffer in quiet. I might add that she has been the best wife and life partner any man could ask for all these many years since we reconciled. I'm not suicidal or anything like that, but I am one miserable human being.

 

Thanks for trying. I just need someone to talk with.

 

 

Has she accepted the responsibility and consequences of her actions? Or did she try to sweep it under the rug? Resentment can surface even after many years.

 

Perhaps you feel like you were cheated out on that you never got to be with someone else like she did when she cheated?

 

This is not something that you should suffer in silence over, after all, you never did anything wrong, she did! She has to bear the responsibility of her actions!

 

Why did she cheat, or rather why did she feel that she had to cheat?

 

Don't give up, there's always hope!

[whichwayisup]

This is why I always say the BS has amazing qualities and is a special person, and you're an example of it. Here you sit, suffering and in pain, trying to not upset your wife or bring back pain for her, when infact, she was the one who created this in the first place.

 

Go talk to someone, don't hold it in. Or, talk to her, just be honest! She needs to hear it.

[norajane]

Did you retire a couple of years ago? That can create all kinds of issues with men.

 

So you're taking depression medications and your wife doesn't know you're on meds? How are you hiding that from her? Why are you hiding that from her?

 

Share this with your wife. She will want to know what's happening to you, and will want to help you. Plus, the hiding and lying by omission will create distance between you which could damage your marriage significantly. Maybe she would be interested in seeing a marriage counselor with you so you can work through this together and communicate better.

 

Perhaps you would benefit from seeing a psychiatrist. Individual counseling may help you uncover what triggered this, and help you deal with it. And, I'm guessing a psychiatrist might be in a better position to determine whether you are dealing with a chemical imbalance and actual depression or anxiety or obsessive/compulsive disorder than a GP.

[mel47]

I cant disgree with anything that has been said, and I appreciate the responses and advice. I have suggested to my dr that I be referred to a psycharitrist but he is insistant that I do not have a mental issue, but a physiocological one. I really dont think I have totally forgiven her for what she almost did. I admit she was and is the love of my life, and I do not regret taking her back. My and my childs entire life would have been different if I had not. My wife is a wonderful mother (for the last 35 years) and wife and I truly love her. That being said, I am literally going crazy. Or at least I feel like it. Talking with her is out of the question. I could never hurt her like she hurt me.

[SunRays20]

I cant disgree with anything that has been said, and I appreciate the responses and advice. I have suggested to my dr that I be referred to a psycharitrist but he is insistant that I do not have a mental issue, but a physiocological one. I really dont think I have totally forgiven her for what she almost did. I admit she was and is the love of my life, and I do not regret taking her back. My and my childs entire life would have been different if I had not. My wife is a wonderful mother (for the last 35 years) and wife and I truly love her. That being said, I am literally going crazy. Or at least I feel like it. Talking with her is out of the question. I could never hurt her like she hurt me.

 

Why is that?

[Athena]

I cant disgree with anything that has been said, and I appreciate the responses and advice. I have suggested to my dr that I be referred to a psycharitrist but he is insistant that I do not have a mental issue, but a physiocological one. I really dont think I have totally forgiven her for what she almost did. I admit she was and is the love of my life, and I do not regret taking her back. My and my childs entire life would have been different if I had not. My wife is a wonderful mother (for the last 35 years) and wife and I truly love her. That being said, I am literally going crazy. Or at least I feel like it. Talking with her is out of the question. I could never hurt her like she hurt me.

 

So go see a psychologist then, if not a psychiatrist!

 

Did you perhaps retire around the same time that the obsessive thoughts about your Wife's cheating occurred? I ask because being retired from a lifetime of working may have kicked up some feelings of Inadequacy, or being Emasculated and that may have taken you back to the time when you felt the same feelings when your wife had cheated on you?

[norajane]

I have suggested to my dr that I be referred to a psycharitrist but he is insistant that I do not have a mental issue, but a physiocological one.

 

Yeah? Well his course of treatment hasn't worked for the last two years, so he might not be the best judge of what your issue is, don't you think?

 

Go see a psychiatrist!! Don't just take random medications willy nilly from a GP whose specialty is nothing.