ladydesigner Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Just wondering how many OW/OM here got past the feelings of humiliation and rejection by the OM/OW or MM/MW? I cannot seem to move beyond these feelings and I am sure many here would love to tell me it is rightly so or Karma...that's fine. But really I would like to hear any good ways to help improve self-esteem/ self-worth or what is left of it.
jj33 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 It has taken me a long time so I cant offer you any magic bullet (((hugs))). But remember who you are deep inside that you are a good person. I dont remember the details of your relationship, but if you feel this way you must have shared something special (I will assume that for these purposes - and forget anyone who tells you that you got what you deserve all those bitter people would only be working out their bitterness and wounds by posting on your thread; they are pitiful dont deserve a response) Sometimes love isnt enough. It isnt enough in marriages it isnt enough in affairs sometimes other things come into play. But the more important thing is that your self esteem has to come from you - not from the approval and validation you felt by being the one he loved. Its all the standard stuff -grieve, fake it til you make it - you think it will never get better and then one day out of the blue... suddenly you find you are stronger. Take good care.
WARREN86 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 It's hard but I think in the long run, I kinda knew that she was never going to be with me the way I wanted her bc she was still married. I think it's just going to take time for the pain to subside, just next time don't get involved with married ppl~ Good Luck.
stampdaddy Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I think it is meeting somebody else that can make you feel that you can love again, and more importantly, that you can be loved again. BUT, that doesnt have to mean that it is more than a friend, a child, a neighbor... Focus your HEART on loving... loving others that love YOU, and the YOU that you are missing will start to show. And who knows, in the mean time, maybe somebody else will just appear...
InvisibleGirl Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I wouldn't label anything I felt as humilition... I was manipulated and lied to by someone that pretended to love me - I was naieve and trusting and loved someone that was imcapable of love. I was not rejected by him - I set myself free from being his toy. He hurt me very badly but I made my decisions early on based on deception. I'm luckier than his BW is because I know that he can't love and she doesn't yet. I'm very lucky he isn't mine
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I was never good at dealing with rejection, but I've had alot of practice unfortunately, and it gets easier, almost expected, as though I put myself into that position When MM would go home to his W for the weekend, I would feel sick, especially if I knew their plans. It was better not knowing. The last few times though, the sick feeling passed within hours. I would look forward to my freedom from his "strings". I would dream about MY future without him in it, knowing that I would be happy, and then meet someone and still be happy, so no matter what, I'd be happy. I am going to need some strength next week however. He will be back from a ten day vacation, and while I'm enjoying my freedom, I know he will be tugging. I sense his marriage will end in a matter of time, but I don't want to do a thing, not one thing, until that time..... even later than that.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Just wondering how many OW/OM here got past the feelings of humiliation and rejection by the OM/OW or MM/MW? I cannot seem to move beyond these feelings and I am sure many here would love to tell me it is rightly so or Karma...that's fine. But really I would like to hear any good ways to help improve self-esteem/ self-worth or what is left of it. Why do you feel humiliated? I think you need to reframe your thoughts. We all go through life on different paths. Sometimes those paths reach an end and you have to take a couple of steps back and begin on a new path. Learn what you need to learn so you won't make the same mistake twice.
willing Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 If having an affair was important to your sense of self-worth, then it makes sense that when OM didn't 'choose' you, that your self-esteem would take a knock. Even when one ends it oneself, it is difficult not to see any shred of 'rejection' in the OM when a R ends... just by his not pursuing you, just by his stopping the texts, the attention, flattery, compliments, sex, etc, that all HURTS the already-fragile ego you get in an Affair. So -- what do you do to get over it? You have to rethink him, what he was to you, what his worth is to you, how you feel about yourself, etc. It's how you think about it all. If you can focus on his bad points, or the R's weak points, that would be better for you than just merely remembering his good points, the good times, the fun, etc. Force yourself to stop in mid-memory and then take the time to recall the bad side of the affair. If you are feeling humiliated because you feel 'used' then don't -- I am sure you used him as much as he used you. If you feel you are second best because he didn't land up with you forever, well, not all R's are 'forever'. Concentrate on his bad points, that will make you less inclined to feel you lost out on anything.
me003 Posted August 3, 2009 Posted August 3, 2009 I think the best medicine is time, hobbies, and watching romantic movies. The ones where you cry and you realize that he is still out there waiting for you. MM or ANY other MAN who is not willing to give you their all is not right for you. Some people may be happy with half a man, but some need the whole person in their life.
Author ladydesigner Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 Thanks for all the wonderful responses. They really were helpful to me. Not sure why I would have ever had an affair, but I made my choice and have to deal with the consequences, even if it means having to deal with all this pain and humiliation. I thought I had good self-esteem and self-worth but I now realize maybe I didn't to begin with and being rejected by OM has made it ten times worse. I guess it was the way it ended. I really wish he could have done it in person and not by email. I was very vulnerable at the time of the affair and the OM probably picked up on that. I wish he suffered just a bit... I don't think they do. I feel like he just got what he wanted out of it (i.e. sex) and left. Wow do I wish I could turn back time I would never have had the affair and will never have one again...lesson learned. Thanks again everyone for such kind and thoughtful responses.
In_Repair Posted August 4, 2009 Posted August 4, 2009 Lady, don't get too hung up on the thing about using an email to break up with you. My MW tried that a short time after we started seeing other. I went straight to see her after reading the email and within minutes she had her arms wrapped around me and she was telling me that she couldn't live without me...blah, blah, blah. She sent the email because she didn't have the nerve to say it face to face. Sure, it's a cowards move, but it's done in the sense of self preservation, and we all know these people are rather selfish when it comes to their feelings and desires. In his mind, the affair HAD to end... but he probably didn't really want it to. Unless they are the "serial cheater" type, the MM/MW does suffer greatly after the end of the affair, if they were emotionally invested. Not only are they missing their affair partner, they are also now resenting their spouse on some levels for being the thing that is keeping you apart. Think about it from his side... just like you, he felt those "love of my life" feelings when he was with you. He thoroughly enjoyed, and maybe even got addicted to, the thrill of the affair itself. Plus, when he was with you, he felt free from the marriage that he is obviously unhappy in. Yeah, it sucks to be thrown under the bus, or whatever you want to call it, but the MM/MW isn't feeling any better than you are after it's all said and done. I've watched my own STBX wife go through it, as well as hearing from other men about how their wives were depressed and detached for some time after the end of their affair. I don't know your whole story, but unless you fell for a slimeball who cheats at every opportunity and was only using you for sex, he is probably hurting just as much as you are... he's just not in a position to express that hurt. Replace your feelings of rejection with guilt, and that's more than likely where he is emotionally.
Author ladydesigner Posted August 4, 2009 Author Posted August 4, 2009 Thank you In Repair. My OM was not married but is in a long term long distance relationship with his girlfriend. I believe we both had emotions invested in the affair, he was the one to say "I love you" first. At the time I thought wow I can't believe he just said that, I felt it was too early to say those words. Soon after that I let my guard down and let my feelings for him grow stronger. As soon as I let my guard down...boom...he was gone. In Repair your words truly are a great help to me. To believe that what I had with OM was real and now it is time to let it all go. I really thank you for that perspective.
lkjh Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Look, you are humiliation and shame because a affair is a nasty and horrible thing. The only way you are going to get past this is if you do the right thing. Lying and cheating got you here in the first place. It can make you feel like you are worthless and gross. If you want to get past it you have to come clean with your H. Otherwise you will feel it for years. Also, the last thing you and every OW on here should know is.....just because a guy(especially a young guy) says he loves you does not mean he actually does. I know I sound cruel but women have to learn that guys will say things to get into your pants.
Author ladydesigner Posted August 5, 2009 Author Posted August 5, 2009 lkjh you are right and the humiliation is just unbearable. I paid a very high price and wish I never had the affair. I haven't had the nerve to tell my husband and not sure I ever will. Also, the last thing you and every OW on here should know is.....just because a guy(especially a young guy) says he loves you does not mean he actually does. I know I sound cruel but women have to learn that guys will say things to get into your pants. You are probably right. He was very young and i understand that. I thought when he first said "I love you" that it was too soon (although we were friends for a year and a half before the affair began). Needless to say I was very naive myself to fall for such crap.
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