Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 panda, I've only ever gotten involved with one real commitmentphobic person. He had no idea he was CP, although that might just have been a form of denial. He desperately craved intimacy and emotional closeness but as soon as you gave it, he would withdraw, sometimes running away. The minute you withdrew it, he'd be in your face, demanding the intimacy and closeness. It was a bad experience for me since I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into. So, bottom line, if this guy was a CP, you're lucky to have gotten away previous to getting too involved. Agreed! Me no wanty that. I didn't know this guy well enough to know what his "routine" is. But I do remember, there was one week where I felt really close to him. For the first time he was treating me like you would a girlfriend. Then BAM i don't see him for two weeks, and the next thing you know, it's over. What makes it worse, I think this guy KNOWS he is a CP. I know some people will dispute me on that. I feel sorry for him. He is a loving person, but wants nothing to do with love.
enchanted771 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 The guy i was seeing moved around for a yr he told me, never text me, i didnt meet his friends. He was so warm and affectionate that i didnt even see it coming. But the last 2 or so months he has exuses on the weekend. And lately, has to travel for work.
Els Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Pandagirl, I've read some of your threads and I'd definitely agree that the guy whom you were with was a commitmentphobe. But you may want to rethink the 'signs' that you thought you should have seen, because I really can't see how all except maybe 4 of them could have even pointed to such a fact. Lest in the future you cast out someone with those signs who could well be your potential partner. - Extremely intelligent, but dropped out of four (good) colleges Could be plenty of other reasons. Laziness, complacency, etc. - Touring musician Uh I really don't get this one. Why??? - Moved around a lot Some people just like to travel... - Never has had a real job/career Could be plenty of other reasons, but best non-sexual-related one so far... - We were not "allowed" to sleepover at each others' places Yes! This is definitely a big neon sign! - I only saw him on weekdays, never on weekends (albeit, he was always out of town on the weekends) This one too - Never met his friends; he never met my friends You're getting warmer - Always a last minute planner Again I can't see what the correlation is... perhaps you could explain it to us? - Broke it off with every serious relationship he's ever had This is going to be a 100% truth for ALL guys that you date. Unless you want them to date you while STILL in a serious relationship? - Has had a TON of STR with girls that have no serious LTR potential Oh god. I actually read that as 'has had a ton of strength etc'. Okay, I'm a certified geek now, someone gimme a wedgie. QUOTE]
New Again Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Pandagirl, I've read some of your threads and I'd definitely agree that the guy whom you were with was a commitmentphobe. But you may want to rethink the 'signs' that you thought you should have seen, because I really can't see how all except maybe 4 of them could have even pointed to such a fact. Lest in the future you cast out someone with those signs who could well be your potential partner. - Extremely intelligent, but dropped out of four (good) colleges Could be plenty of other reasons. Laziness, complacency, etc. - Touring musician Uh I really don't get this one. Why??? - Moved around a lot Some people just like to travel... - Never has had a real job/career Could be plenty of other reasons, but best non-sexual-related one so far... - We were not "allowed" to sleepover at each others' places Yes! This is definitely a big neon sign! - I only saw him on weekdays, never on weekends (albeit, he was always out of town on the weekends) This one too - Never met his friends; he never met my friends You're getting warmer - Always a last minute planner Again I can't see what the correlation is... perhaps you could explain it to us? - Broke it off with every serious relationship he's ever had This is going to be a 100% truth for ALL guys that you date. Unless you want them to date you while STILL in a serious relationship? - Has had a TON of STR with girls that have no serious LTR potential Oh god. I actually read that as 'has had a ton of strength etc'. Okay, I'm a certified geek now, someone gimme a wedgie. QUOTE] Nice breakdown Just gonna throw in that I don't think the not meeting friends thing is a definite indicator of a CP. Many people I know (in fact, I had always thought it was pretty much a given) don't introduce people they're dating to friends until they know they want more, or they actually BECOME more.
Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Pandagirl, I've read some of your threads and I'd definitely agree that the guy whom you were with was a commitmentphobe. But you may want to rethink the 'signs' that you thought you should have seen, because I really can't see how all except maybe 4 of them could have even pointed to such a fact. Lest in the future you cast out someone with those signs who could well be your potential partner. Nice breakdown Just gonna throw in that I don't think the not meeting friends thing is a definite indicator of a CP. Many people I know (in fact, I had always thought it was pretty much a given) don't introduce people they're dating to friends until they know they want more, or they actually BECOME more. Totally. Although, when we did bump into his friends on a couple occasions, he was affectionate towards me in front of them, but never an invite to meet them. Totally off-topic, but I love Fage yogurt!
loveslife Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 My feeling is when a relationship is not right for whatever reason we all know it. Sometimes we admit to the incompatibility but sometimes we have trouble being honest with ourselves. Sometimes once the relationship is over and we've healed or are in the process of healing we can "finally see" what we knew all along. I think it's easier to label the other person a commitmentphobe, emotionally unavailable, etc. etc. than look at ourselves and address our own issues. I think if we are emotionally healthy, available and strong in our sense of self we are unable to co-exist with someone who is not going to give us what we truly want. It (the doomed relationship) would never get off the ground to begin with if we ourselves are emotionally available and healthy. It just wouldn't happen. Ya know?
You'reasian Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Yes. But it took him...I think 6 years, or something. A BS in freaking Lifestyle Management. :lmao: Have you ever heard of such a thing? LOL I know what it is, but I doubt 95% of the population does. He may as well have majored in basket-weaving for all the good the degree did him. Underwater basket weaving could be useful, I suppose. Which universities offer a BS in lifestyle management? LOL Having a degree is what matters the most. You will use about 20% of your education (at most) to do 80% of your technical work. The rest of it involves learning how to use systems/software, paper work etc.
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 My feeling is when a relationship is not right for whatever reason we all know it. Sometimes we admit to the incompatibility but sometimes we have trouble being honest with ourselves. Sometimes once the relationship is over and we've healed or are in the process of healing we can "finally see" what we knew all along. I think it's easier to label the other person a commitmentphobe, emotionally unavailable, etc. etc. than look at ourselves and address our own issues. I think if we are emotionally healthy, available and strong in our sense of self we are unable to co-exist with someone who is not going to give us what we truly want. It (the doomed relationship) would never get off the ground to begin with if we ourselves are emotionally available and healthy. It just wouldn't happen. Ya know?I mostly agree with this but there are some real commitment phobes out there, due to foundational upbringing, etc. In pandagirl's case, he's already gone, so it doesn't really matter if he was or wasn't one, more importantly, he wasn't for her.
loveslife Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I mostly agree with this but there are some real commitment phobes out there, due to foundational upbringing, etc. In pandagirl's case, he's already gone, so it doesn't really matter if he was or wasn't one, more importantly, he wasn't for her. I'm not saying there aren't commitmentphobes. Of course there are. But for Pandagirl (and the rest of us) I think it's much more useful to analyze our own behavior instead of targeting the other person. It all begins and ends with US. It's like the converse of what they say in the movie "He's just not that into you" where the friends all try and excuse the guy's behavior and point out how into the girl he really is. So many of us post-relationship sit and "support" one another by pointing the finger at the other person in the relationship when really they're just a reflection of us.
You'reasian Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I mostly agree with this but there are some real commitment phobes out there, due to foundational upbringing, etc. It could also be a stage of life. I'm sure younger guys are less likely concerned about meeting the one than older guys.
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 It could also be a stage of life. I'm sure younger guys are less likely concerned about meeting the one than older guys.I don't think this is applicable in panda's situation since the man being discussed, isn't in his twenties.
Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I mostly agree with this but there are some real commitment phobes out there, due to foundational upbringing, etc. In pandagirl's case, he's already gone, so it doesn't really matter if he was or wasn't one, more importantly, he wasn't for her. Yeah, I pretty much got immediately over him when I he failed to tell me he was having sex with another girl, after I told him I have herpes. Gross. I am interested in people and their psychology though. J told me his sister was similar to him, in the sense both of them had trouble staying "still." Minds always racing, not being able to feel settled. He grew up in an affluent environment, with very liberal, intellectual parents. Not sure if that has to do with anything, but it's interesting.
Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I'm not saying there aren't commitmentphobes. Of course there are. But for Pandagirl (and the rest of us) I think it's much more useful to analyze our own behavior instead of targeting the other person. It all begins and ends with US. It's like the converse of what they say in the movie "He's just not that into you" where the friends all try and excuse the guy's behavior and point out how into the girl he really is. So many of us post-relationship sit and "support" one another by pointing the finger at the other person in the relationship when really they're just a reflection of us. Oh, I totally agree. Whether I'm conscious of it or not, I tend to go for and attract emotionally unavailable men. I think I had a mini-breakthrough with this one. In the past, I've tried to "keep" them, but with this one, I had no trouble letting go. I've dated guys before who weren't commitmentphobes -- I just wasn't the ONE for them. J is the first guy where I really think he is one. He either breaks up with the "right" girls, or continues to date girls with no real potential
loveslife Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Oh, I totally agree. Whether I'm conscious of it or not, I tend to go for and attract emotionally unavailable men. I think I had a mini-breakthrough with this one. In the past, I've tried to "keep" them, but with this one, I had no trouble letting go. I've dated guys before who weren't commitmentphobes -- I just wasn't the ONE for them. J is the first guy where I really think he is one. He either breaks up with the "right" girls, or continues to date girls with no real potential Hey Pandagirl, I remember when I first saw an emotionally unavailable man defined on a website. It was like a lightbulb went off. That *was* the guy I was involved with. I thought it was such a watershed moment because now I understood why I was unhappy. It took me a while to really understand though that if I myself were emotionally available I would never have gotten involved with him in the first place. What's been helping me immensely lately is basing each decision I make (large and small) on what will make me feel good about myself. I honestly think that's the trick. But we have to actually be honest with ourselves.
You'reasian Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 J is the first guy where I really think he is one. He either breaks up with the "right" girls, or continues to date girls with no real potential Whose to say if its the "right" girl for J? Keep in mind games might just back fire on your efforts - all too often women think they've gotta game jerks to get them. Better idea? Just be yourself with a nice guy. Its not as fun to go for a nice guy, but you can always do what you've done before and get the same results...
Isolde Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I saw the warning signs early with J, but I should've connected the dots a lot sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20. The bits of information I gathered from him told me something was off, that others should also take into consideration when getting to know someone: - Extremely intelligent, but dropped out of four (good) colleges - Touring musician - Moved around a lot - Never has had a real job/career - We were not "allowed" to sleepover at each others' places - I only saw him on weekdays, never on weekends (albeit, he was always out of town on the weekends) - Never met his friends; he never met my friends - Always a last minute planner - Broke it off with every serious relationship he's ever had - Has had a TON of STR with girls that have no serious LTR potential Moving around a lot and being a musician aren't necessarily red flags in themselves. But yeah, musicians are very difficult to date if you're not in a similar industry with similar lifestyles and values.
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