pandagirl Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I saw the warning signs early with J, but I should've connected the dots a lot sooner. Hindsight is always 20/20. The bits of information I gathered from him told me something was off, that others should also take into consideration when getting to know someone: - Extremely intelligent, but dropped out of four (good) colleges - Touring musician - Moved around a lot - Never has had a real job/career - We were not "allowed" to sleepover at each others' places - I only saw him on weekdays, never on weekends (albeit, he was always out of town on the weekends) - Never met his friends; he never met my friends - Always a last minute planner - Broke it off with every serious relationship he's ever had - Has had a TON of STR with girls that have no serious LTR potential But also: - Very affectionate and present and amazing with he was with me - Always, always called me back promptly and when he said he would - Called me while on vacation - Sent me a couple presents when he was out of town However these "positive" signs are also signs of a commitment phobe, I think. They can easily and willingly give everything when there is no potential for anything, but pull away when there is. Not saying that he saw potential with me, but I can pinpoint the week things got weird. He had gotten back from a July 4th trip, where he called me from out of town, and promptly called me immediately when he got home and we saw each other. The date was great. We bumped into his friends at a bar, he introduced me and held my hand in front of them and was affectionate. When he left my place, he said he wanted to see me that weekend, because he wanted to spend more time with me. This is the first time he ever planned ANY date with me. That weekend he got "sick." Didn't see him for two weeks after that. Knew something was up. Now it's over. Damn. I saw it coming, and didn't at the same time.
You'reasian Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Are you sure its him being a commitment phobe? Maybe he's picky and hasn't met the one. Alot of my buddies don't think about relationships until they do.
Author pandagirl Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Are you sure its him being a commitment phobe? Maybe he's picky and hasn't met the one. Alot of my buddies don't think about relationships until they do. That's true. Except he told me after his last failed serious relationship (the third one in a row where he dumped her), he said he went to therapy because he thought there was something wrong with him that he couldn't commit to anyone. His conclusion: "After a few months, I realized there was nothing wrong with me."
New Again Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Pandagirl, I can relate to a large number of items on your list - even the one about college - except in my case I have transcripts from 5 different universities, because I kept transferring (I have two degrees, and I changed majors several times). Moved around a lot, etc. Not a musician though. However, I am not a commitmentphobe. If I WANT to commit to someone, I can and I will. So, while perhaps some or all of those things CAN mean someone has commitment problems, it doesn't HAVE to be the case. Until and unless I meet someone I'm really into and want to commit to, I do pretty much everything on that list, because I'd rather hang out with my friends (hence last minute and only weekday plans).
You'reasian Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 That's true. Except he told me after his last failed serious relationship (the third one in a row where he dumped her), he said he went to therapy because he thought there was something wrong with him that he couldn't commit to anyone. His conclusion: "After a few months, I realized there was nothing wrong with me." Well, if he really did go to therapy, for several months as you testify and the results of said therapy were inconclusive or failed to indicate a dysfunction, then I'd say there's probably "nothing wrong" with him. (again, I'm assuming what you say here is true and correct...) If that's the case, he's simply holding out for the one.
You'reasian Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Pandagirl, I can relate to a large number of items on your list - even the one about college - except in my case I have transcripts from 5 different universities, because I kept transferring (I have two degrees, and I changed majors several times). Moved around a lot, etc. Not a musician though. However, I am not a commitmentphobe. If I WANT to commit to someone, I can and I will. So, while perhaps some or all of those things CAN mean someone has commitment problems, it doesn't HAVE to be the case. Until and unless I meet someone I'm really into and want to commit to, I do pretty much everything on that list, because I'd rather hang out with my friends (hence last minute and only weekday plans). You seem pretty cool.
You'reasian Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Well, if he really did go to therapy, for several months as you testify and the results of said therapy were inconclusive or failed to indicate a dysfunction, then I'd say there's probably "nothing wrong" with him. (again, I'm assuming what you say here is true and correct...) If that's the case, he's simply holding out for the one. or is picky or a number of things.
You'reasian Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 .................. I don't know how to respond to this, so I'll give you a jumping bunny!
New Again Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I don't know how to respond to this' date=' so I'll give you a jumping bunny! [/quote'] I <3 the bunny. He has so much energy. He makes me happy. (And for the record I am wicked cool )
You'reasian Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I <3 the bunny. He has so much energy. He makes me happy. (And for the record I am wicked cool ) Ok, but you can't be too cool, because too cool is too much And hopefully female lol
New Again Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Ok, but you can't be too cool, because too cool is too much And hopefully female lol The perfect amount of cool and all female
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Ok, but you can't be too cool, because too cool is too much And hopefully female lol The perfect amount of cool and all female Now, now, you two. Get a room. Panda, I'm sorry you were taken in by this guy. But he's not even worth you spending another moment on him (or post, for that matter). I did want to say something about the university thing. My XH had 3 different universities, but it was because he kept getting kicked out. LOL So, not a commitment problem on his part...just a behavior problem. And I had a hard time committing to a university/course of study. But I'm perfectly okay with ROMANTIC commitment. I'm just still trying to figure out what to do professionally. Most of your list I agree with, though.
Sam Spade Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 With today's life expectancy of 80+ years, the decision to gamble about 50 years of your life is pretty much overwhelming. I'd have much esier time committing if i knew I was about to kick the bucket in less than 20 years. On a more general note, I am continually surprised by the amazing imbalance in the complaints about commitment issues: you *never* hear men complain that women are reluctant to commit, while the other way around commitment phobia has been elevated into serious medical conditions. It has psychological bases, but what doesn't??
Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Now, now, you two. Get a room. Panda, I'm sorry you were taken in by this guy. But he's not even worth you spending another moment on him (or post, for that matter). I did want to say something about the university thing. My XH had 3 different universities, but it was because he kept getting kicked out. LOL So, not a commitment problem on his part...just a behavior problem. And I had a hard time committing to a university/course of study. But I'm perfectly okay with ROMANTIC commitment. I'm just still trying to figure out what to do professionally. Most of your list I agree with, though. ok. But did he eventually graduate?
Art_Critic Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 He might be a CP Pandagirl but honestly it sounds like he was juggling more than one girl.. or maybe he was already semi-committed to another girl you didn't know about. He might also just be someone who isn't ready for a relationship at the place he is in his life... Not being ready for a serious relationship doesn't make him a CP.. what it could be is just bad timing... Timing is everything when it comes to relationships.. you both have to be in the same place in life and ready for a commitment.
SoulSearch_CO Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 ok. But did he eventually graduate? Yes. But it took him...I think 6 years, or something. A BS in freaking Lifestyle Management. :lmao: Have you ever heard of such a thing? LOL I know what it is, but I doubt 95% of the population does. He may as well have majored in basket-weaving for all the good the degree did him.
Vertex Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Dating on the east coast has always felt different to me for some reason. The variance inherent in the type of people you encounter is huge. I wouldn't take the school thing as a bad sign unless he specifically says it's due to laziness or something. I do agree with Art Critic though that it's likely a timing issue or a mismatch of priorities. If all else fails, Pandagirl, I'm a perfectly fine, newly-graduated dude Haha
Fay Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 To quote one of my fave books, He's Just Not That Into You, "Love cures commitment-phobia." Every guy who's "afraid of commitment" will one day commit to a woman - the one he really wants. Unless he gets run over by a train first. There's no such thing as commitment-phobic in my experience, just different levels of picky. Some guys will commit to the first acceptable girl who pops up in their path, and some will go through casual lovers for years and then suddenly fall head-over-heels for one they think is "the one". No need to kick yourself over it. We can't all be "the one" for everyone else, and what constitutes "the one" varies from guy to guy and is sometimes downright bizarre or indiscernible. Nor are the "pickier" guys necessarily higher-quality. Or lower. You just have to determine your own level of tolerance for The Waiting Game.
Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 He might be a CP Pandagirl but honestly it sounds like he was juggling more than one girl.. or maybe he was already semi-committed to another girl you didn't know about. He might also just be someone who isn't ready for a relationship at the place he is in his life... Not being ready for a serious relationship doesn't make him a CP.. what it could be is just bad timing... Timing is everything when it comes to relationships.. you both have to be in the same place in life and ready for a commitment. I agree timing is everything. I am certain things wouldn't have worked out between us anyway, but I do think he is a commitment-phobe (although, that is a pop psych term). He told me it's hard for him to settle/commit to anything. In the past 3 years, he's dated very young girls (22-25), a girl who was a Jesus lover (he's Jewish), and girls who have nothing to offer except a warm body (his admission). Yes. But it took him...I think 6 years, or something. A BS in freaking Lifestyle Management. :lmao: Have you ever heard of such a thing? LOL I know what it is, but I doubt 95% of the population does. He may as well have majored in basket-weaving for all the good the degree did him. At least he graduated! Persistence definitely counts for something! This guy just dropped out of 4 impressive colleges without a degree. If all else fails, Pandagirl, I'm a perfectly fine, newly-graduated dude Haha ha! I might be a little too old for ya. To quote one of my fave books, He's Just Not That Into You, "Love cures commitment-phobia." Every guy who's "afraid of commitment" will one day commit to a woman - the one he really wants. Unless he gets run over by a train first. I think there are people who just haven't met the right person, but these are people who don't ultimately have intimacy issues or fear of intimacy. But I get the feeling that this isn't the case with him. He has been in love and been in serious relationships, but he exits when things get *too* serious. And from the way he talk about it, he hates himself for it. In any case, I just need to trust my intuition better next time!
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 To quote one of my fave books, He's Just Not That Into You, "Love cures commitment-phobia." Every guy who's "afraid of commitment" will one day commit to a woman - the one he really wants. Unless he gets run over by a train first. There's no such thing as commitment-phobic in my experience, just different levels of picky. Some guys will commit to the first acceptable girl who pops up in their path, and some will go through casual lovers for years and then suddenly fall head-over-heels for one they think is "the one". I think there are people who just haven't met the right person, but these are people who don't ultimately have intimacy issues or fear of intimacy. But I get the feeling that this isn't the case with him. He has been in love and been in serious relationships, but he exits when things get *too* serious. Hmm, even the guy who EVENTUALLY commits and gets married to a girl, does not necessarily become emotionally intimate or available... they still keep their distance to a degree, and some of them have affairs to Ensure that Distance...
Author pandagirl Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Hmm, even the guy who EVENTUALLY commits and gets married to a girl, does not necessarily become emotionally intimate or available... they still keep their distance to a degree, and some of them have affairs to Ensure that Distance... True that. I guess a person who eventually commits and marries at least isn't afraid of the idea of "forever." Even though being involved with someone so distant seems horrible.
Citizen Drawn Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 It sounds like he just gets lots of women and enjoys it. Perhaps he has no use for a relationship. I don't think all men consider settling down the be all and end all, he may well consider living for the now and having fun his reason for living. Perhaps, instead of having a fear of commitment, he just doesn't have a fear of living his life without a long term partner. Perhaps he think's he'll make a ****ty long term partner, and perhaps he's right.
Fay Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Even though being involved with someone so distant seems horrible. Right? I could never stay in that situation. I'd pick it up in a heartbeat and either A) run for the hills or B) get all clingy, b*tchy and psycho and HE'D be the one to run for the hills. And that's the unflattering truth which has happened before.
Trialbyfire Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 panda, I've only ever gotten involved with one real commitmentphobic person. He had no idea he was CP, although that might just have been a form of denial. He desperately craved intimacy and emotional closeness but as soon as you gave it, he would withdraw, sometimes running away. The minute you withdrew it, he'd be in your face, demanding the intimacy and closeness. It was a bad experience for me since I had no idea what I'd gotten myself into. So, bottom line, if this guy was a CP, you're lucky to have gotten away previous to getting too involved.
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