lastout_82 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Most of you have seen my story. if you havent check for seperation tips. I have been staying in the house. Last night i had this urge to get our wedding ring back, in hopes for the future to give it again to her. It was in her car, she told me it was. it was late she was alseep, i went and looked found tape recorder in glove box and our ring. Listened to tape recorder and found that guys voice on it hitting on her and talking **** to her. She was just laughing in background. Went to her about it, she said it was to see if i would look in her car, and that she didnt want me to get hurt by it. but i dont understand wtf is going on. if you dont want to hurt anyone why would you do it on purpose. She also said just forget about it, try to forget about it. I dont know what to do. Her story changed 5 times in 10 mins. i could tell it was full of lies again. i wasnt wanting to "snoop" in her car. i wanted that back and i couldnt ask her for it. Now i have all my **** in a bag, i cant stand being around her right now. i cant keep myself from getting angry. im going to stay somewere and take her what keys i have to the house. I just dont see how someone would know something would hurt them but do it anyway. then try to say forget about it. for the past three days ive done nothing but 180. and things were feeling good. i made the mistake of looking there i guess and i got burned for it. but in reality i learned something. even after she told me again it was done with him i still find things that prove it isnt. On aug 14 is our 5 year annvers. what should i do. i know that this will blow over in a few months and we can start talking again and try to work it out. but i dont want to hurt her by not saying anything on that day. should i just send her something or leave it be? Her birthday is 4 days later. and my son turns 1 four days after that. i know i will be there for that. no question. Truly how could someone do that. They know it hurts the other person, and they do it anyway. What should i do about annvers. and her birthday. Im really lost here again. i have no idea what to do with her. i know what im going to do and thats focus on me. take care of my ****, call her in a few months and see what happenes. if i find out she is still takling to him im filing D papers. if it takes getting a Private Invest to "spy" for me to belive her then thats what will happen. Someone help me with these decisions . i dont want to keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Lastout, I am confused, I was under the impression that you had decided you were done totally with your marriage. That on reflection you had decided you hadn't been happy yourself for about a year? Now you are talking again of resolving things? Did I misunderstand your previous posts? What is going on in your head? Do you still wnat to work things out with your w?
Author lastout_82 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 no i was willing to work on it in time. i was going to focus on me for a while and see what happens. im at a point now i dont know whats going to happen. something strange i dont understand is how she said. Just to leave it alone. about her and that guy. what does this mean exactly. icantreally talk toher about it now. but if anyone has any suggestions. leave it alone as in her and him. like she wants something out of it andi should just leave it alone for a while or what.
LisaUk Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Well 180 is good, focuses on you as well. Leave it alone? Goodness knows? What happened exactly, you went to the car to get her wedding band, found a tape recorder that she had planted in the car with him hitting on her on it? Is that right? What was her explanation?
tojaz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 no i was willing to work on it in time. i was going to focus on me for a while and see what happens. im at a point now i dont know whats going to happen. something strange i dont understand is how she said. Just to leave it alone. about her and that guy. what does this mean exactly. icantreally talk toher about it now. but if anyone has any suggestions. leave it alone as in her and him. like she wants something out of it andi should just leave it alone for a while or what. Sounds like cake eating to me. She dosen't want you to interfere with him. No easy answer, if you leave it alone, you will go mad wondering. If you get into it, you may push her further away. Tread carefully, but follow your gut. TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Women speak using indirect communication? I'm wondering? Forget what words are coming out of her mouth? But how would you describe her body language? Crossed arms (shutting you out when you speak), and cross legs a kicking (impatience) limited or no eye contact, turning the head (tuning you out as to what you say. To me? She's needing and wanting more emotional intimacy, and she's telling you this indirectly by stating, "If I can't get it from you! I'll get it from someone else, and here's the proof that I can do it!" In effect she's sending up red flares, waving flags, screaming and shouting trying to tell you that the train is coming and your standing on the tracks. Now notice I didn't say anything about physical/intimacy ~ I said emotional intimacy. When the emotional intimacy is lost with a woman ~ it won't be long before you have a walk-a-way wife on your hands. And when that's gone? Its almost impossible to get her back no matter how hard your try. Most women have to have an emotional connection on some level before it can turn physical/sexual. And when its severed? Guess what else goes South. Now mind you? I'm not advocating becoming her supplicating fool! She still needs you to be a MAN. But on some level your not meeting her emotional needs. You should at least familiarize yourself with a book titled "The Five Languages of Love and what the five are. Some people are physical (touch) some are visual, some are oral (No not that kind ~ get your mind out of the gutter) etc. A good and cheap easy read is a $6 or less (if bought used) "Light Her Fire" A good quick read, that will come in handy in your current relationship or any future relationship. Her saying, "Just forget it?" was her response to you because her little gambit didn't work, (part trying to make your jealous, but mostly to get you wake up to meeting her needs. In the beginning of a relationship most women invest a tremendous amount of emotional energy into the maintenance of the relationship. Men having been raised and conditioned to be the 'provider ~ protector' of the relationship have a different and do not prioritize the relationship per say itself. As time goes on? They (the women) get tired of holding up the unfair burden of the 'emotional maintenance' of the relationship, and eventually turn into walk-a-wives after years of emotional neglect. Women marry primarily because of how their husbands make them feel, (Secured, protected, loved, wanted, needed. valued ~ and not least of all? Special from all the other women in their man's lives.) Once we marry, we get caught up into other things. Life comes at you fast! On the show "Mad About You" in one episode the wife (I forget her name) tells Paul, "You use to wine and dine me, take me to expensive restaurants, send me flowers and 'sweet nothings' that made me go 'ahh'! But now that we're married you don't do any of that any more? Why?" Paul: "That's why I got married so I wouldn't have to do that stuff anymore!" Now for the 'Catch 22' if you start doing it now? You may very well be meet with resentment, because she had to jump through hoops and barrels to get you to do it? What in her mind you did in the beginning, quit doing, but should have been doing all of along. So what you have to do is the "180s" which is a neutral position for the most part. Its neither aggressive nor passive. The next thing you need to do is work on yourself. "Identify your weaknesses and seek self improvement!" (Which you should have been doing each and everyday from the beginning! In short you need to prioritize working on yourself, your life etc. Now you cannot tell your changing, your working on it, your going to fix it, you have to do it and show her.
Author lastout_82 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Well just like before she told me to leave it alone and i found out she was still talking to him. i dont know what her plans are with us. She has said to me reciently that she just wants time to be awayfrom each other. and she needs her space. but when she is still talking to someone else and asking me for space then i think the worst. But we were haveing problems before him and we/she wanted space before him. but i think now he has more into than i looking at. Has she already done something with him? i think not, i know she is better than that. but i cant stand all the lies. about body lang. when she was talking to me at kmart after i handed her keys i couldnt look at her. i seen her arms were down by her side though. and before she was closing me out. Her story about tape changed a few times. and i cought her in lies during it. but she said it was givin to her from a friend, and he walked up to her car one day and started talking on it. and it was to show that i couldnt leave her stuff alone. and now she said it was a mistake for her to let him do that. to me it was a mistake she is still talking to the guy. but that is her decision she has to make. Maby she just needs her time away from it all, maby she just wants to have a fling with the guy. who knows i really dont know how to ask her about it.
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Per you latest post? Time to bail and drop the bomb! Do this for yourself, and move on!
Author lastout_82 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 well how i see it is. Yesterday she said she wanted it to work out. just not right now. she spoke to me today when i was talking to kids on phone. she said to leave it alone because we said all we needed to say. but to me we havent because i dont see her not talking to that guy anymore. And i have felt more now to just go for a D but i dont know if i should wait her out and see what she is going to do. Not waiting as in sitting around countingoff the days but me going out and doing things for myself and my kids and if she wants it back then we have to go to a MC before we do anything. i am still in the air about everything. i know i need to be withmyelf and get me straitbefore i can thinkabout if i want to pursue her or anyone else. but onlytime will tell. strange that she would say she wants a happly ever after with me after we be away from each other. but her next sentence was "who knows maby you will me someone". she is very confusing and beats around the bush too much.
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