Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Hello All. I've been surfing around the forums for the last week or so, and see that there are a lot of people having the same sort of issues I am. So I'm gonna ask you guys for some help and advice. Me and my wife have been together for 15 years, and married for 7 this past April. I'm currently deployed to Iraq, and was able to be home for 2 weeks for my anniversary, which went great might I add. We have 2 children together, the oldest 7, the youngest 5. Both boys. About a month or so ago, we started having some problems. Wasn't any argument or anything. She just told me that she feels like we have grown apart and have lost some of our passion, which I kind of agree, deployments tend to do that. I asked her if she wanted to work on them when I get home (a few months) and she said yes, and that she wouldn't have brought it up if she didn't. Keep in mind that we talk on the phone and through Yahoo IM, due to deployment. About a week later or so, she said that she wanted a seperation, because she wasn't happy with a few things and that she wants to fix some things with herself, which I can understand, but on the same note, I'm deployed... Kind of already seperated. I dunno, maybe its just my way of thinking. She still continues to tell me she loves me and misses me (i'm trying to give her the space she wanted, because i dont want to pressure her), and she gets a hold of me everyday. Which is very confusing. About 1 1/2 weeks ago I asked her how she thought this seperation thing was going to go. She said that she wasn't sure and that she was very confused about everything. Which doesn't make a lot of sense to me, why leave a guy who has done nothing but love you and give you everything you've ever wanted, and has never hurt you in any way? Its kind of gotten to the point where all of her close friends and family are talking to her about it (on their own accord) to try to understand where she is coming from, and they dont get it either. I really dont understand the whole thing, one minute everything is fine and the next its not, she keeps talking about starting her life over when things "aren't fine". Yesterday when her and I talked (I originally called to talk to my sons, and she told them to go play because she wanted to talk to me about some things), she kept telling me over and over that she loves me and misses me, and that she's sorry and that she doesn't know what she's doing, and that her head is a mess. Now, if anyone here can kind of filter through this, and help me try to understand what the heck is going on here... and offer some advice on how I can "get her back" it would be most appreciated. This woman is my entire life, the reason I do everything I do. I really dont think she wants to leave, just that she is scared that things wont get better when I get home. This isn't our first deployment (4th), and everytime I come home, we both have changed a little. We always adapt though, and come out stronger. I just dont understand why this time wouldn't be different. Especially since she's said several times, that even if this seperation doesn't work out, that she would definitely want to try again after she gets her stuff together, which yet again confuses me. Anyone ever been through something like this, not necessarily deployments, but in general? How did you get through it , and what was the end result? Im willing to do whatever it takes to make things better between her and I, without going through with what seems right now the inevitable. --Concerned SSG.
lupa Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Aw man, that is awful. Just keep coming here to write about it, talk it out, and work things through. You'll get a lot of opinions, and a lot of advice...this is all from people who have been through this or something similar. Listen, pick the parts you understand, and incorporate it into your world view. You deserve all the support you can get (and you'll get it here). Stay strong, and thanks for sticking your neck out there for the rest of us.
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Any information that any of you would need to help me understand more of the situation and to give me advice on how to save my marriage, let me know. Pride and shame have gone out the window at this point. Lupa: No thanks are necessary. Being in the military is one of the greatest things I've ever done.
lupa Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Well, my friend, the first bit of advice you are going to get from me is don't push the situation. This "time and space" thing is code for a couple of different things, not the least of which could be "I'm imagining myself right now with some guy I met recently, but nothing is going on". I'm sorry to be the one to say it, but you'll hear it over and over again. I pushed, I reasoned, I argued, and I chased her right out the door. Just be understanding, and agree with a part of everything she is saying because even if she is only 10% right about something, she is still right on some level, and if you argue the 90%, you will just reinforce her negative feelings. Maybe she is just feeling alone and lost, so again, you need to be cool about the whole thing. Sentences like, "I really care about you and I don't think this is the best path to take, but you need to do what it is you think best. I can offer you my support, I'll be here" or other stuff like that will go a long way. In the meantime, make sure you understand that you have some responsibilities -- to yourself and your children. In the meantime, when one is starting on the path to separation, you do not have to hold their hand while they do it. I don't want to sound harsh, but believe me when I say that constant contact and talking is going to make things worse for now. Accept her contacts, be cordial, be understanding, but just listen and put yourself out of the way for a while. Does this make sense at all?
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Yes it makes perfect sense. I'm not trying to push the situation. She has been honest with me thus far, as far as I can tell. And I really doubt there is someone else, otherwise one of my sons would have said something, they are still at that innocent stage where it would have come up. I've been being supportive of her, believe me. Last thing I want to do is tell her to "kick rocks".
Gunny376 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Does she and the children live on base or off base? Or are they back home around friends and family? Does she work? On base, off base? Read this article: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm Your
jun2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I think she scared that think its gonna change... everytime you guys come back form deplyed.. that solider back form war they become Distant... wives and Girlfriends notice thier man become distant .. i'm sorry. i've talked to several guys recently and they all say that their girlfriend says that their guy is distant. i can't say how to fix it cause i don't know but i do know that devotion counts I feel her cuz my BF deployed twice he station in Germany they just got back a fews month ago and it sucks he not really talk to me much and that acared me we used to talk all the time when he out there but since he got back he not talk to me at all damn it weird .. ..But all can i tell you she still love you and care for you just right now she just need to think how long she can handel how its gonna be this time when you come back iguess... it not easy for both of you...
Gunny376 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Not weird at all ~ its because you need some "down time" to just readjust from where you've been for the last six to eighteen months. This is especially true when it comes to somewhere such as Iraq. There's other issues, even if you had a "good tour" such as hyper-attentiveness, PTSD, etc I remember coming back and after a year of AFRN (Armned Forces Radio Network) commericals going nuts over a damned cat food commercial and lamo! :lmao: Everyone thought I had lost it and gone nuts! I won't even go into the rest of it, and that was one of the high points of coming back from over-seas.
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Does she and the children live on base or off base? Or are they back home around friends and family? Does she work? On base, off base? Read this article: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm Your We live off base, however she's staying with a female friend right now. No she doesn't work, which could be part of the issue, too much free time. Another issue could be that a lot of our friends are going through divorces right now and it could be she's re-evaluating our own marriage. Which up until now has been good.
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 I think she scared that think its gonna change... everytime you guys come back form deplyed.. that solider back form war they become Distant... wives and Girlfriends notice thier man become distant .. i'm sorry. i've talked to several guys recently and they all say that their girlfriend says that their guy is distant. i can't say how to fix it cause i don't know but i do know that devotion counts I feel her cuz my BF deployed twice he station in Germany they just got back a fews month ago and it sucks he not really talk to me much and that acared me we used to talk all the time when he out there but since he got back he not talk to me at all damn it weird .. ..But all can i tell you she still love you and care for you just right now she just need to think how long she can handel how its gonna be this time when you come back iguess... it not easy for both of you... You know, this has some truth in it. However, its not just on the Soldiers/Sailors/Airmen/Marines that changed or become distant.... Everyone always has that mixed up notion. Ask Gunny. He'll tell you the same. Its a learning process. When we get back home, we have to relearn things about eachother again. Not a fun process sometimes, I guess its what you make of it thought. Her and I talk ALOT. Everyday. She always tells me that she's thankful that she has a husband that cares enough to communicate all the time, instead of doing what some other guys over here do and go with out talking to their significan't others for weeks or months at a time.
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Not weird at all ~ its because you need some "down time" to just readjust from where you've been for the last six to eighteen months. This is especially true when it comes to somewhere such as Iraq. There's other issues, even if you had a "good tour" such as hyper-attentiveness, PTSD, etc I remember coming back and after a year of AFRN (Armned Forces Radio Network) commericals going nuts over a damned cat food commercial and lamo! :lmao: Everyone thought I had lost it and gone nuts! I won't even go into the rest of it, and that was one of the high points of coming back from over-seas. This is the most laid back tour i've had over here. My other 3 .... ugh... the initial combat invasion, karbala/falluja/najaf, ramadi (my brigade was responsible for "cleaning it up") weren't so fortunate. ANd I admit, I changed a lot of the first 2. However, I worked my ass off to not let it affect my family, and I must say, I did a damn good job! AFRN commercials..... UGH.... The only one that gets me... Is the "Composite Risk Management" ones.... What a joke.... And when I got back stateside... The one that had me rolling was the baby rolling through the house in a walker.... THAT WAS HILARIOUS! I mean, there are times when its quiet and I'll just bust up laughing for no reason, but that has nothing to do with the deployments, I have an odd sense of humor, I think about funny off the wall stuff to myself all the time. lol.
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Does she and the children live on base or off base? Or are they back home around friends and family? Does she work? On base, off base? Read this article: http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm Your Gunny. That is a good article, it explains a lot. However, I don't know if it really applies to my situation in the full sense. If she tells me that something is wrong or she's not happy about something with me, I have worked hard to change it. I can think of 3 different things that we've talked about in the past where that has been the case, all 3 of them were minor, just got on her nerves I guess. But I fixed the issues none-the-less, not to mention that was about 5 yrs ago. I also noticed some things about myself that had changed over the years that I wasn't too happy with, and have begun to change those as well, things that I've mentioned to her, that she hadn't noticed, which lets me know that I caught it fast enough.
Gunny376 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Uh Oh! You may be one going through what we in the Marine Corps call the 'Gunny/Major curse' (A lot of Gunny's and Majors end up going through separation / divorce when they achieve these ranks) We live off base, however she's staying with a female friend right now. No she doesn't work, which could be part of the issue, too much free time. Is the friend's husband there? Let me take a wild guess? He's in the same unit as you? My guess? Its girls gone wild and its raining men! If she's not cheating, she's into some heavy flirting, giggling etc. Don't think she can't keep it from the kids? A buddy of mine wife was cheating ~ with her fellow cub scout master. And yes! They took camping quite regularly. I got to sky for now, back much later.
jun2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Is this a breaking up kinda email ..please help Well right now im concentrating on getting out every day im running around to different appointments trying to set things up nobody will help me here and it i am stressed out meanwhile they still want me to do work here and for what. Anyways as for me and you we arent ready to be married not until you are done with schooling and i have a job. I become distant when i get stressed out that just how i am its wrong but that is what i do i have been that way my whole life and i just try to focus on one thing. You getting an abortion was another thing on my mind i didnt need i should have been more supportive im sorry. Im just looking forward to the day i am out of the army and im doing everything i can to make sure i am out on time but then i have to worry about what i am going to do next. Im sorry for everything you are going through i know its hard especially with your time not occupied. We will see how everything works out when i get out i think things will be ok. Tell the girls hello i miss em. Love and miss you always...talk to you soon...stop stressing out so much please
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Uh Oh! You may be one going through what we in the Marine Corps call the 'Gunny/Major curse' (A lot of Gunny's and Majors end up going through separation / divorce when they achieve these ranks) Is the friend's husband there? Let me take a wild guess? He's in the same unit as you? My guess? Its girls gone wild and its raining men! If she's not cheating, she's into some heavy flirting, giggling etc. Don't think she can't keep it from the kids? A buddy of mine wife was cheating ~ with her fellow cub scout master. And yes! They took camping quite regularly. I got to sky for now, back much later. NO. She is out of state. It is an older couple, late 40's. So no military people around. She said that she wanted to be able to think without all the drama that comes from being near a base... Cheating? No i doubt it, not saying its not a possibility, just that i doubt it. When I said that it'd be hard to hide from the kids... My youngest is a severe momma's boy, he never, NEVER leaves her side... lol.
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Is this a breaking up kinda email ..please help Well right now im concentrating on getting out every day im running around to different appointments trying to set things up nobody will help me here and it i am stressed out meanwhile they still want me to do work here and for what. Anyways as for me and you we arent ready to be married not until you are done with schooling and i have a job. I become distant when i get stressed out that just how i am its wrong but that is what i do i have been that way my whole life and i just try to focus on one thing. You getting an abortion was another thing on my mind i didnt need i should have been more supportive im sorry. Im just looking forward to the day i am out of the army and im doing everything i can to make sure i am out on time but then i have to worry about what i am going to do next. Im sorry for everything you are going through i know its hard especially with your time not occupied. We will see how everything works out when i get out i think things will be ok. Tell the girls hello i miss em. Love and miss you always...talk to you soon...stop stressing out so much please No I dont think it is. he's trying to explain how he feels. and he was apologizing for not being more supportive of you. it sounds like he wants things to work out between u 2.
Ariadne Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Another issue could be that a lot of our friends are going through divorces right now and it could be she's re-evaluating our own marriage. Which up until now has been good. Hi Concerned, I just wanted to wish you good luck with things working out for you. You sound like such a wonderful man, it'd be a shame to have to go though this. Have faith. Please take good care of yourself in Iraq, and many thanks for your labor.
quankanne Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 mixed thoughts here, sarge: 1) someone is filling her head with nonsense about being a military wife and/or tempting her just by willing to be present ... a shoulder to lean on, etc. 2) she's freaking out and worrying about things she thinks will happen when she sees you again. on the latter point, my experience was that whenever my husband left for his away-from home jobs, it was stressful because I was going to be home. And it was equally stressful when he was here because we had to learn to live together all over again for a short while. It's a horrible way to live, because it affects even the strongest relationship. Not that you don't love that person, but because your relationship isn't a "shared time" experience and you start questioning it. that said, see if you can get her to visit someone offered through counseling services on base. They know exactly what they're dealing with, and better yet, they'll give her the tools she needs to cope with the situation. It's not admitting something's wrong with the marriage or her or you, but merely a way to be prepared, you know?
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Ariadne, Thanks for the kind words. If you guys had any idea of everything that i've done for her / sacrificed for her, you'd either slap her or shake the crap out of her. lol. Or at least her friends and family want to anyway.
tinktronik Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 You cannot decide how she is going to sway while you are away. You can keep in contact, do your best to show her how you feel from where you are, and do your job. That is all you can do. Don't push or stress this issue. There is nothing that you can say that will make up her mind. Tell her you can decide these stressful issues when you are in a less perilous environment and able to think about this exclusively. Tell her you love her and why. Then do not try to get her to dissect this way she's feeling or allow her to gobble up your telephone time or internet time that you have for your children and her by beating the issue over the head. Then hang on until you get home.
Author Concerned_SSG Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 mixed thoughts here, sarge: 1) someone is filling her head with nonsense about being a military wife and/or tempting her just by willing to be present ... a shoulder to lean on, etc. 2) she's freaking out and worrying about things she thinks will happen when she sees you again. on the latter point, my experience was that whenever my husband left for his away-from home jobs, it was stressful because I was going to be home. And it was equally stressful when he was here because we had to learn to live together all over again for a short while. It's a horrible way to live, because it affects even the strongest relationship. Not that you don't love that person, but because your relationship isn't a "shared time" experience and you start questioning it. that said, see if you can get her to visit someone offered through counseling services on base. They know exactly what they're dealing with, and better yet, they'll give her the tools she needs to cope with the situation. It's not admitting something's wrong with the marriage or her or you, but merely a way to be prepared, you know? You know, now that i think about it.... What you said in the first one, is highly likely.... Several of her single friends are jealous of the relationship that her and I have, and the fact that we've stood together through a lot of things, and only came out stronger. As far as the counseling, I dont think she'll go. She's not a big fan of talking to shrinks/counselors because she was forced to do it for a few years when she was a kid. I have suggested marriage counseling tho, back when she first mentioned the seperation. She never replied back about that. And again, I'm not trying to be "pushy" or make her feel pressured to make an "on the spot decision". I know how that is, and it sucks sometimes. lol.
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I wished you had enough post so I could PM you, (you need about 70 to do so) But you don't! I'm guessing that you've figured out that I'm a USMC retired Gunnery Sergeant (Hey! I have a way words and piss people off when they don't won't to hear the truth! That's what Gunny's do!) So I'm starting this off as though you were one of my Marines in Iraq. First off Slick! You've got to get your head right and in the right place. You've got to get your head in the here and the now! You've got to get focused on where you at and who your dealing with. And what your dealing with. Back in the day? If you were a support guy (one of eight supporting the 'trigger pullers' you didn't have anything to worry about it! But in Iraq and Afghanstain? It doesn't matter! Your fair game if your wearing the uniform!) So the first thing you've got to do is to get your head into the game that your in, and worry about the playoffs next week! And that's just the way it is! The name of 'today's game' is staying alive, making it out of Iraq with all your limbs, your fingers & toes and what you went into the game with. You get to worrying about what going on with the wife back in tha' world, and your going to lose that nanosecond of focus and concentration when you step on that trip wire or don't see that muzzle flash from that second story window from half way down the block! I'm here to tell you! There's not going to be any reconcliation if your happy @zz is dead! So for now? Your concentration needs to be on 'staying alive!" Put all the wife's BS in the back of your mind! Even if it goes South with you and the wife? Those little girls still need a Daddy in their lives! And that means bringing your happy @zz back in one piece more or less (Hopefully in one piece) than cold hard dead! So saving your marriage, what the wife is going through, dealing with is completely secondary! What's important is your staying alive, because your not worth a damn to me nor your beloved DD's dead! That means you really can't deal with her BS right now, because you need to be concentrating on staying alive! For your DD's if not just for yourself! Were it me? I would e-mail her and just telll her! Hey! That's the way you want it to be? That's the way its going to be! Not a problem! But right now? Believe it or not? I've got my hands filled just taking care of me! So I can keep my happy @zz alive so I can be there for my children! Getting back on point? One of the hardest jobs for a wife? Is being the wife of a solider or Marine! In fact? Its one of the hardest jobs in the Army or Marines! The trouble with all of my advice? I've been where you are, been through the mud, the sludge, the blood, and the beer ~ and the horse manure! The best advice I can give you right now! Be positive! Be optomistic! Be open-minded Don't get angry! Don't let your emotions rule you! Don't let your immagination run wild! Give her space! Give her lots of space! Give her the gift of missing you! Understand that women's and men's minds are literally wired differently ~ and when they (women) are un-happy with one thing, they're generally un-happy with everything in their lives. Including you! Give her time and space to work it out! (Part of the reason we're having to re-arrange the living room furniture every six months, and they suddenly want to clean house at 3 in the morning!) Quit pankicking! People come! And people go! Ain't no one monkey makes a show! A woman leaves you! It means one thing and one thing only! Damn! I've got to go and find myself someone else! Damn the bad luck!
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 For now? Do or say nothing! Out the normal! Keep it here @ LS! Give us time to work on it!
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I keep lupa, lisauk tojaz and others "real" and they keep me real! As does Lakesidedreams, and other "regulars" keep me 'real' This is a place of healing, comprehending, understanding, recovery,............. This a place of renewal! A place of re-birth! A new start! A fresh start!
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