Friends at university etc

[Eclypse]

Well I just looked up a depressions symptoms checklist, and it fits me like a glove. From the whole disrupted sleep patterns, to feeling physically sick, to always feeling down etc. Although sometimes i feel better than other times. My happiness is literally a see-saw, and can change in the space of a few minutes and I can go from being vibrant and excited to being sullen and withdrawn so fast it scares me when I think about it.

 

It all sort of seems to have sort of compounded on me at the same time. I began my second semester of university recently, and I already hate it. It is simply the worst place imaginable for me to be. I felt really bad last semester, I felt sick each morning I had to go. I guess the worst thing is the lonliness I'm currently feeling in life. I haven't seen any of my friends from high school since last year. It seems like everyone's gone off into their own little groups. I haven't seen or talked to my best friend in ages too cause he's found a girlfriend and literally spends every waking minute of his life with her.

 

The only person whom I see semi-regularly is my other best friend, and he is in more or less the same position as me. He goes to a different university to me, and he has no friends there either.

 

I just don't know whats wrong with me, I have tried really hard to make friends, but it seems like no one wants to be friendly. They just look at you funnily. I became friends with a girl last week, but she thought I was hitting on her (which I wasn't) so it didn't work out. Turns out she has a whole lot of other issues as well.

 

I have made just 1 friend at university whom I can actually call a friend. Unlike the others she actually enjoys talking and likes hanging out with me. She's introduced me to her other friends and we get along fairly ok, but not anything overly special. I'm afraid I've fallen completely and madly in love with her though to the point where it actually hurts me when I see her, and this is not a good thing I know. Me and her went out on a few dates recently. I feel like I missed a lot of good opportunities, she seemed to want me to make a move. We were sharing icecream, she was applying lip balm and smacking her lips and even dragged me into a dark room by ourselves. Yet I just completely froze up on every single occasion and I dont know why!!! She probably hates me by now, and with good reason. I really hate myself. I'm kicking myself every single day for this stupid lack of confidence that I have and no matter how hard I try to improve it, it just won't work!!!!

 

Apologies for this long, self pitying rant but I am just feeling terrible all the time. I hate going to sleep because I know that I'll have to wake up the next morning. Has anyone else had this much trouble making and keeping friends? I just don't know what to do anymore. This depression is really getting to me. I told my mum about it but she doesn't believe me. Every time I see that girl I like at school, and who is my only friend really, I just get really red faced and feel sick on the inside as I remember how much of a failure I was.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Eclypse.

It's not sounding like life is too much fun for you, right now. Sometimes it's even worse cos of that idea that "this is the best time of your life, you 'should' be having fun, fun, fun, blah-blah-blah."

 

Your feelings and experiences are real, so it really doesn't matter whether or not your mom (or anyone else) "believes" you. It is not for them to make assessments or give validations. YOU know yourself best! You KNOW what you're feeling and going through.

 

For your physical symptoms, perhaps you'd want to consider consulting with a medical doctor? When the body is sleep-deprived and not properly nourished, it just adds to the mental and emotional anguish, and makes everything feel that much more hopeless.

 

I'd also encourage you to find out if there is any type of counseling/guidance available through 'student services' or some specific student association. Or, you could check with the psychology department and see about doing some 'talk therapy' with one of the graduating/intern students.

 

Other option is some self-help reading. There it just depends what kind of stuff your brain will be most receptive to. Possibilities include:

1. Ruling Your World: Ancient Strategies for Modern Life ~ Sakyong Mipham

2. Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness ~ Dan Neuharth

3. The Art of Power ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

4. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities ~ Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf

5. The Power of Now ~ Eckhart Tolle

 

Or anything else that catches your eye in that section of the library

 

Wishing you best of luck...and MUCH happiness and success in your future.

[Curious-One]

I kind of understand what you are going through. I stayed at home and drove to my university but had no friends that actually went to the university. My friends went to a smaller university and i went to the big one in state. Anyway i felt kinda lonely when i went to school, i was going 2 days a week spending pretty much the whole day in school from about 1pm -11pm (5 classes in one day is not easy). Still i had friends that i hang out on weekends but it kinda sucked that i didnt know anyone in class and it seemed like everyone kept to themselves in class not talking to anyone. Your situation is even worse as you are actually staying in school.

 

 

One of my friends that i worked with decided to go back to school and he started going back to the university i was in. I took a class with him and he pretty much opened my eyes on how to meet people in the university. As soon as you go in the class sit next to someone and start a conversation about anything .My favorite thing now is to ask is "if the professor posted a sylybus on the computer and if they have it" or "If they purchased the book for the class yet? How much it is, do we really need it ? etc ". Pretty much anything is good.... So every time you come in talk about sports, weekend, news etc dont stay quite and eventually you will start becoming friendly with people around your seat. Also.. i mainly started talking to girls first because i found out if i only ask them something the next day they will sit next to me and talk to me like we are best friends. The girls will actually start conversations with you after you have asked them something first. When it comes time to take a test , week before or so ask the person next to you if they want to form a study group. By now you should be pretty comfterble with this person and if they say yes exchange numbers than start inviting other people. "Hey me and so and so are starteing a study group do you want to be in it" exchange numbers and schedule it. This is very important because it helps your grades and helps you kinda have your own group. I took this a step further and started asking all the girls that i am interested in class if they want to join our study group and actually hooked up with them. I have gotten lot of numbers like that. Once you go to the study group in library or someones house just have fun make few joke and try to be friendly. Make sure you know the content and help people out with problems, be kind of a tutor. After you guys are done studying ask if anyone wants to grab a bite to eat or something. I even make bets on who ever scores the lowest on the test has to buy other people drinks or has to pay for bowling or something. You can even get gfs out of this ... try it, it works.

 

Also it helps if you join different groups at uni too but since i was working full time and going to school full time , any extracuricular activities were out of the question. I am 22 and starting school back in August 17th and cant wait (I had to take a year of because i had to have surgery and ran out of money). I quit my job and will be going to school 5 times a day and will focus 100% on school . Once again i dont know anyone in the school because i lost touch with the previous people i met but this time i am not worried.

 

Oh by the way you definitely should have made a move on that girl if she was doing all those things like you said, lip gloss pulled you in dark corner lol? Its probobly too late now as she has probobly put you in a friend zone but you should try anyway to see if it works.

 

Good luck ( i hope this makes sense as i am typing it on only 2 hrs of sleep zzzzzzz)

[Els]

I'm sorry to hear this, dude.

 

I'm quite the same. I've had very bad luck in that most of the people in my class are of a certain type. And they all speak a language that I don't know very well. I've only one real friend in my class and several acquaintances.

 

My advice to you is to do as what I did: Don't rely SOLELY on your college classmates as friends. There are so many other avenues to make friends! Join a club of your interest as someone mentioned. I've made several good friends from my hobbies: video and board games. Take part in other non-college based stuff in the community. The dance events that they organize at the community hall or whatever. Maybe volunteer for the library, or visit a pub every weekend, whatever floats your boat. I made a good number of friends in my local church, for example.

 

I don't understand why people expect that friends MUST be from their class and college. Granted it's probably easier if they are; you'll have your entire college days together, whereas friends garnered elsewhere may not be with you throughout college. But really, it's not necessary.

[Eclypse]

Thanks guys for the responses. I think I'm gonna end up going to the school counsellor or something. That's a good idea Elswyth, I already play basketball with some friends from out of uni, and they are good boys. I think I might try for the university team then. Curious one I'm gonna try your idea asap. The concept of it seems rather daunting, but it seems good.

 

I'm actually feeling a bit better now, I was just on a bit of a low when I wrote the original post. Of course there is still the problem of that girl whom I have a huge crush on, as I sit next to her every day! I really am just worried that if it doesn't work out, I'm gonna lose a friend (one of my only ones).

[Green]

seriously dude just kiss that girl! literaly the next time you see her walk up get her away from her friends by saying you want to tell her something private, then bring her out of the room or around the corner out of the people she knows view and kiss her on the lips.. just go in and do it

[tblucky]

seriously dude just kiss that girl! literaly the next time you see her walk up get her away from her friends by saying you want to tell her something private, then bring her out of the room or around the corner out of the people she knows view and kiss her on the lips.. just go in and do it

 

I am all for "go for it" when it comes with romantic interests, but at the same time, it seems like the OP really has a lot on his plate right now. He's dealing with many common pressures associated with life transitions. Does he want another emotional roller coaster in his life at this specific time? I think it's great that the OP is acknowledging many of his issues and is trying to take steps to work it out, but I would deal with a few problems at a time.

[tblucky]

Other option is some self-help reading. There it just depends what kind of stuff your brain will be most receptive to. Possibilities include:

1. Ruling Your World: Ancient Strategies for Modern Life ~ Sakyong Mipham

2. Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How to Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness ~ Dan Neuharth

3. The Art of Power ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

4. Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities ~ Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf

5. The Power of Now ~ Eckhart Tolle

 

 

To this list, I would add and highly recommend The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This is an extremely well known and popular self-help book that deals with improving your personal and interpersonal life.