I am a bad husband

[redtail]

Funny you would mention Maslow. Been studying him for the last couple of years. Still you can survive without sex. And the other needs do have to be met first. But to say you need it to survive...far stretch.

 

True, that's why I didn't say that. Similar need as family, love, etc...

[Reggie]

I cannot overlook the cheating. But, I wanted to add that if folks have not dealt with a special needs child, they have no idea of the strress. It is 24/7 with no breaks. It is exhausting and one is always on deck.

Over 85% of the marriages are said to fail.

I can remember all the sleepless nights, all the medical appointments, all the hospitaliztions and near death events due to the attendant physical problems associated with Down Syndrome(lots and lots of pneumonias, multiple major surgeries).

I hope you can relieve your wife of some of the burden. I did it , essentially alone for years while my XWW had affairs and became an alcoholic and drug abuser. It takes more than two people to raise kids with the type of disability my son has.

My first wife had many affairs as one of her ways of dealing with the stress. Funny, I had more of the stress, as I was giving all the care. But, I did not cheat.

[redtail]

I cannot overlook the cheating. But, I wanted to add that if folks have not dealt with a special needs child, they have no idea of the strress. It is 24/7 with no breaks. It is exhausting and one is always on deck.

Over 85% of the marriages are said to fail.

I can remember all the sleepless nights, all the medical appointments, all the hospitaliztions and near death events due to the attendant physical problems associated with Down Syndrome(lots and lots of pneumonias, multiple major surgeries).

I hope you can relieve your wife of some of the burden. I did it , essentially alone for years while my XWW had affairs and became an alcoholic and drug abuser. It takes more than two people to raise kids with the type of disability my son has.

My first wife had many affairs as one of her ways of dealing with the stress. Funny, I had more of the stress, as I was giving all the care. But, I did not cheat.

 

I completely agree Reggie. There are many BS's on LS, we each have our own unique story. Perhaps we weren't perfect, even by our own assessment, however, I still think the cheating was a cop out.

 

I truly respect your decision not to cheat Reggie, even with "justification".

[NoIDidn't]

I cannot overlook the cheating. But, I wanted to add that if folks have not dealt with a special needs child, they have no idea of the strress. It is 24/7 with no breaks. It is exhausting and one is always on deck.

Over 85% of the marriages are said to fail.

I can remember all the sleepless nights, all the medical appointments, all the hospitaliztions and near death events due to the attendant physical problems associated with Down Syndrome(lots and lots of pneumonias, multiple major surgeries).

I hope you can relieve your wife of some of the burden. I did it , essentially alone for years while my XWW had affairs and became an alcoholic and drug abuser. It takes more than two people to raise kids with the type of disability my son has.

My first wife had many affairs as one of her ways of dealing with the stress. Funny, I had more of the stress, as I was giving all the care. But, I did not cheat.

 

Which is why I think his W resents him. He admits to not being much help for the child's needs other than financial, and to add insult to injury, he cheats?!

 

I think his cheating was the ultimate deal breaker for their marriage.

[Reggie]

I agree. His wife must have been under tremendous strain. It was all I could do not to yell at my XWW for not contributing. I had two toddlers, a full time law practice and no help from her.

Contributing financially is not enough. I wonder if her alleged abuse was not the result of the terrible strain she was under having to do all the grunt work on her own. And, to add cheating to the equation is just brutal. It was for me. I will never forgive my first wife for what she put me and my boys through.

[Lovemepls]

Yes the cheating was wrong. Yes I took my wife for granted and she deserves better. For the kids' sake, there needs to be peace in the house. If I can help it, I would stay for my kids. I really try to be accountable and responsible. I don't think I am capable of saving this marriage because I don't love my wife anymore. At one point I really hated her...wish she were dead. But now that we are separating, I think I can be courteous and kind to her. We can be friends for our kids' sake. While I understand there is tremendous stress involved in taking care of my Autistic daughter, one seems to overlook the stress involved in supporting a household financially. How many times have I endured unreasonable crap from my employer just to save my job? In this economy it's like walking on thin ice...everyday.... It is no less stressful....I have 2 stomach ulcers to prove it.

Bottomline: Saving the marriage is out of the question. The focus is on trying to minimize the hurt to my kids. If you are still concentrating on the cheating part, you are not seeing the big picture. Sex is just sex. Cheating is not enough to destroy a family. It is always the deeper issues that make people divorce. To divorce someone just because of a one-night-stand is ridiculous. Most spouses cheat... stop being naive and refuse to accept the facts. Cheating isn't the cause.....that's my point.

[angie2443]

Which is why I think his W resents him. He admits to not being much help for the child's needs other than financial, and to add insult to injury, he cheats?!

 

I think his cheating was the ultimate deal breaker for their marriage.

 

Again, I agree. I've known many couples with special needs children. The ones that survived were the ones that pulled together and helped each other with taking care of the child/children.

 

It amazes me that some people think all they have to do is work a 9 to 5 job if they have kids. Especially if one of those kids have special needs.

[RedDevil66]

LOL @ the posters who have decided they are judge and jury in this "case"

 

yeah you all know for sure she was not abusive. Get off your friggin high horses!!!!

 

My sister has a special needs child who is actually dying. My sister is under SO MUCH stress and is constantly berating my bro in law. My sister died inside when she knew her daughter was dying.

She is but a shell. My bro is law loves his kids and my sister and would never leave her or cheat.

But everyday I ask myself why he stays in the HELL she creates for herself and her family.

The world does not revolve around my sister. I love her to DEATH ,but I cannot even be around her.

 

 

LOVEME, sounds like you manifested your pain in a different way than your wife. She became an abusive "shell" Of a person and you cheated.

Both you and your wife were getting your needs met elsewhere

 

If you do not love your wife anymore, then yes, you need to leave. What you did was not horrible. It's called survival

I just hope you don't run into this other woman's arms without being alone for a while to recover from your pain

 

Good luck. I feel for you

[RedDevil66]

I am going to call a spade a spade.

 

I don't for one minute believe that your wife was abusive towards you. It sounds like you did absolutely nothing to help out with your autistic child and she did everything and nagged you for your help. I reached this conclusion because you give your wife all the credit for caring for the child enough to do the best for it, while never saying that you did a thing other than feel "neglected".

 

And you repay her by cheating on her repeatedly. Great.

 

No wonder the divorce rate for people with high needs kids is so high.

 

Sounds like she moved out of the marital bed because she resents you. That, and I think the therapist was way out of line if they actually told you to divorce. The decision to divorce is not the therapists, no matter what they see.

 

I feel sad for your autistic child more than anything. Research is being done now to show that those kids can and do have feelings, they just don't know how to express them.

 

If you are definitely planning to divorce your wife, I hope you plan to become a VERY ACTIVE part of your children's lives. They don't deserve to be abandoned just because you and their mom don't get along anymore.

 

I love people who are tough behind their pc's.

 

This post is NOT helpful at all, but mean and disgusting!

[Mr. Lucky]

I love people who are tough behind their pc's.

 

This post is NOT helpful at all, but mean and disgusting!

And you know she's wrong because...?

 

Mr. Lucky

[NoIDidn't]

I love people who are tough behind their pc's.

 

This post is NOT helpful at all, but mean and disgusting!

 

What was so unhelpful about it? The OP didn't feel the same way, or at least didn't say so. So what makes your feelings about my post more important that his?

 

I had a special needs sibling. He did die after a long and hard life. The doctor's didn't think that he would make it to one-year-old, but he lived for twenty years. Having a sibling that you actually live with is a LOT different from having a niece or nephew that you don't live with.

 

Relationships in a home with a special needs child ALWAYS become strained - between the parents AND any siblings present. But when everyone in that home isn't doing their part, its worse than it has to be. I assume that you don't live with your sister and have no idea of what it is like to run to the emergency room because of the child. I assume you haven't been to the follow-up appointments and surgeries that special needs kids often have. The OP's child has autism, so hopefully, his situation isn't as bad as what I grew up with.

 

The OP is off having affairs while his W is managing the hired help and schedules for the autistic child. He wasn't doing his part. And based on what you said about your sister, you have no idea of what she is truly going through if you are here passing judgment on her ("can't stand to be around her"? really - are you ever even around her when she is caring for her dying child then to know what is causing her such distress?).

 

I know a lot about how their needs will basically dictate how the family behaves day to day. Having a special needs child is hard on the entire family. For him to throw money at it and have an affair shows that he doesn't understand that he isn't the only one in that home having it bad.

 

 

I could see if you were here talking about how much you are helping your sister with her dying daughter (why didn't you call her your neice? strange...), but you aren't. You are basically saying that your sister created her own hell, but you really have no idea of what she deals with because you won't even spend time with her (your own admission). So spare me your sanctimony. The only help you provide the OP is in further tearing down his W, by tearing down your own sister in the process. Classy.

[RedDevil66]

You would think from watching your brother suffering, you would have learned sympathy and love instead of meaness and anger.

 

You are so much better than me...congrats!

[NoIDidn't]

You would think from watching your brother suffering, you would have learned sympathy and love instead of meaness and anger.

 

I did. You would THINK that YOU would have this same empathy for your own sister, but I see that you do not.

 

Its laughable that you challenge my empathy after what you have said about your own flesh and blood here. I notice that you make no attempt to correct my assumption that you don't even spend time with the child that you say is dying. So where, OH WHERE, is YOUR empathy? Your neice is dying. I was there when my brother died. I was at the hospital when they declared him brain dead. I was there when my mother signed the DNR.

 

But here you are making this lame attempt to challenge my sense of empathy. You need to seriously check yourself before ever trying to call me out on this matter.

 

You are so much better than me...congrats!

Why, yes, I am! Thanks for noticing.

[RedDevil66]

I did. You would THINK that YOU would have this same empathy for your own sister, but I see that you do not.

 

Its laughable that you challenge my empathy after what you have said about your own flesh and blood here. I notice that you make no attempt to correct my assumption that you don't even spend time with the child that you say is dying. So where, OH WHERE, is YOUR empathy? Your neice is dying. I was there when my brother died. I was at the hospital when they declared him brain dead. I was there when my mother signed the DNR.

 

But here you are making this lame attempt to challenge my sense of empathy. You need to seriously check yourself before ever trying to call me out on this matter.

 

 

Why, yes, I am! Thanks for noticing.

 

Your reply really shows how much better you are .ugh!

Not sure why I would explain myself to an angry net dude, but here goes.

You have come to the conclusion that I don't spend any time with my niece. How did you come to that conclusion? From me saying I cannot be around my sister? Does that say I cannot be around my niece?

I make one thread talking about my niece and you've come to a know-all attitude! Sad, really sad!

 

I took my niece swimming yesterday and took her shopping last week. I talk to her every day. I sit with her all the time.

I love my niece like my own child, so shut your angry pie hole before knowing the facts.

 

God, some people on this site are downright METAL!

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, you're right. There are some here who are down right mental. NID isn't one of them. Now I on the other hand.....

[Reggie]

I come at this from the standpoint of the spouse who shouldered most of the work for a severely disabled child and I did not cheat. My XWW was as abusive as it gets. so I understand the temptation to get the hell away from someone like that abd find some solace with another.

I think this guy knows he was wring to cheat. One always has other options and they make future co-parenting so much easier.

I do think this guy is wrong in feeling cheating alone does not lead to divorce. Many times, actually most times, it does.

I think he took the easy way out and did not have the courage to confront his wife's abuse. It was a regrettable choice, IMO.

[NoIDidn't]

Your reply really shows how much better you are .ugh!

Not sure why I would explain myself to an angry net dude, but here goes.

You have come to the conclusion that I don't spend any time with my niece. How did you come to that conclusion? From me saying I cannot be around my sister? Does that say I cannot be around my niece?

I make one thread talking about my niece and you've come to a know-all attitude! Sad, really sad!

 

I took my niece swimming yesterday and took her shopping last week. I talk to her every day. I sit with her all the time.

I love my niece like my own child, so shut your angry pie hole before knowing the facts.

 

God, some people on this site are downright METAL!

 

Yes, some people are down right metal! I prefer platinum, myself.

[NoIDidn't]

Your reply really shows how much better you are .ugh!

Not sure why I would explain myself to an angry net dude, but here goes.

You have come to the conclusion that I don't spend any time with my niece. How did you come to that conclusion? From me saying I cannot be around my sister? Does that say I cannot be around my niece?

I make one thread talking about my niece and you've come to a know-all attitude! Sad, really sad!

 

I took my niece swimming yesterday and took her shopping last week. I talk to her every day. I sit with her all the time.

I love my niece like my own child, so shut your angry pie hole before knowing the facts.

 

God, some people on this site are downright METAL!

 

Seriously, you came here pre-judging ME for being honest with him with how I perceived his actions. You have a lot of nerve in doing that to begin with. Now, you say I come to a "know it all" attitude. Pot meet kettle, eh?

 

You started this. You've not taken the time to do anything other than try to make your opinion the most important by attacking everyone else's.

 

At least try to have a conversation without throwing useless accusations at others. You said my first post was mean, but you don't say why or how. You said it wasn't helpful, but even the OP's response shows that he didn't agree.

 

You have even agreed with me when you said that your brother-in-law would never cheat on his W even though she is making their lives a living hell.

 

So, taking your vitriol down a notch, why did you attack me even though we agree? What was the point of that? Did you come to contribute or not? Attacking other posters is not contributing.

 

We have tj'd this thread enough. If you were respectful in your disagreement, this didn't even need to happen.

[NoIDidn't]

I think he took the easy way out and did not have the courage to confront his wife's abuse. It was a regrettable choice, IMO.

 

Me too. That's why my first post to him basically called him on really wanting to leave the situation of having a special needs child and the stress that it creates.

 

He attempted to make it look like he thinks his W is a saint, but then goes on to say that she is abusive. I've never met an abusive saint, so he's just trying to use his cheating and her frustration to get out.

 

I don't think his W is truly abusive. I'm not saying that she couldn't be. I just don't think that she actually is abusive - at least not the kind abuse that you say you endured. I am assuming here, but it seems like she really is only complaining loudly and rightly about him not doing more for the family in general and for cheating on her. And given the circumstances, that's not really abusive, IMO. Even if she calls him a lousy-so-and-so. Its not exactly a healthy way to communicate, but it doesn't meet the requirement for abusive when the cheating definitely was an abusive action (you've said so yourself).

[Reggie]

I cannot comment on the level of abuse he faced. Some people do go nuts under the stress and start taking it out on the other person, even if they are devotiong themselves to their disabled child.

But, no amount of abuse justifies cheating and I am guessing this was an exit affair designed to get him away from his child.

I think one thing that gives insight inot his character may be the cavalier way he characterizes cheating, as if it is ubiquitous and not likely to lead to divorce. Harley and others characterize it as one of the most sever forms of spousal abuse and the stats say it leads to divorce, regardless of the state of the marriage in most cases.

[tami-chan]

One of my good friends has a son who has Asperger's syndrome, not to go into details about what it is-but it is a "mild" case of autism. She was very angry at her husband and was verbally abusive to him and the other children BUT very sweet, patient and loving to the child with the disability.

 

The relationship was so bad that the other kids actually wanted their parents to divorce! They did divorce later. He got custody of the other two kids and she got custody to the son with the disability. The other children felt neglected by her and insisted they wanted to live with their dad. She was devastated about losing her other kids, but later on she told me that she has tremendous guilt about her son that she just does not have the extra strength, love, patience, etc for other people in her life. Very sad. The good thing is she is receiving counseling. The other kids are, too.

[NoIDidn't]

But, no amount of abuse justifies cheating and I am guessing this was an exit affair designed to get him away from his child.

I think one thing that gives insight inot his character may be the cavalier way he characterizes cheating, as if it is ubiquitous and not likely to lead to divorce. Harley and others characterize it as one of the most sever forms of spousal abuse and the stats say it leads to divorce, regardless of the state of the marriage in most cases.

 

I agree. Yet, I always find it interesting that the people claiming to be in abusive relationships are the first ones to cheat. And based on Harley's opinion of cheating being one of the most severe forms of spousal abuse, that basically makes the claim the pot calling the kettle black, IMO.

[2sure]

OP is right, the infidelity was small a small part of the problem:

 

The poster has gone from having a full on affair to a ONS, and regardless feels that it is not the deal breaker and everyone cheats, its naive to believe otherwise.

 

The poster has gone from being an abused husband to instead feeling emotionally neglected by a woman caring 24/7 for an autistic child.

 

The poster has a stressful job with 2 stomacher ulcers to prove it. Is the job unusually stressful like, lion tamer maybe, or do you have more difficulty handling the stress of employment than others?

 

The poster has gone from wishing his wife dead and hating her for quite sometime to...

 

Sincerely wanting to make this divorce amicable because he doesnt want the kids to suffer.

 

Look, Life is Hard and no one is prepared for all of the things that come up. But I have to tell you...the best thing you can do for your wife and in your own defense...

 

Is stop talking. I dont mean here!! But in the event you are still explaining your feelings to your wife....I think you should stop before she kills you.

[angie2443]

The poster has gone from being an abused husband to instead feeling emotionally neglected by a woman caring 24/7 for an autistic child.

 

The poster has a stressful job with 2 stomacher ulcers to prove it. Is the job unusually stressful like, lion tamer maybe, or do you have more difficulty handling the stress of employment than others?

.

 

Who else was supposed to take care of the child? Was the woman supposed to clone herself so that someone could take care of the daughter while she serviced her husband at the same time? Was she supposed to hang the kid in a closet so she could tend to his emotional needs? He, from what I can tell had a job that at least ended each day. She had a job that never ended.

 

So many people are patting this guy on the back and saying "there, there, it's not your fault". Where was he when his wife and child needed him? I guess he was out having fun. I guess it was alright for him to do because his child was bieng taken care of. To bad he couldn't hang at home doing the work while his wife went out and had fun.