Lovemepls Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 My wife and I have been married 12 years. We have 2 little children, 5 and 1.5. Our older child was diagnosed with Autism about 1 year ago. Ever since that time my wife has put in 110% effort to cure my daughter (through intervention, therapies and research). Consequently she ignored me and neglected our new baby. During this time my wife had been very abusive towards me.... lashing out at me and calling me profane names everyday. I endured it, as I understood her pain. I was in pain too. One day I met a married woman who had just had an affair, but had to end it. We became good friends, and heading towards more than friends... One day my wife saw the phone bill and called this woman...accusing her of stealing husband. That married woman never spoke to me again. It was a good thing because the relationship was becoming more intimate, even though we never had sex. I never intended to be a cheating husband, so I was somewhat glad to be "caught" before it was too late. Unfortunately, the abuse from wife intensified...and she began calling me a cheater, and grilled me everytime I arrived home 1 minute late. It was driving me nuts. I wanted to kill myself. The only reason why I stayed was because of my kids. As time went on, my daughter's condition improved due to treatment and my wife's dedication. I thank my wife for saving our daughter. My wife began to show interest in me again, but my wounds were so deep, I did not want to be near her. The thought of intimacy with her made me sick to my stomach. We had not slept in the same bed for over a year, and did not have any pleasant communication at all for just as long. I did not want to rekindle the romance with her. One day I met a woman online completely opposite of my background. I am very conservative, well-educated, mainstream culturally, capitalistic, and overall NORMAL. She came from a broken home, very liberal, and very anti-materialism. We were like opposite poles of a universe. NOTHING in common.... yet when we met, there was instant attraction. We wanted to be with each other immediately.... we had sex...... the most amazing sex I have ever had in my whole life.... I was shocked that I could experience something so wonderful during my lifetime. Apparently she felt the same way.... She emailed me the next day to that effect. I was blown away.... From that point on, I was determined to leave my wife. Not for that woman, but for the happiness I have been missing out because of my wife's self-created dungeon. I wanted to try marriage counseling to see if there was any chance. The therapist told us we should divorce..... I discussed in detail with my wife that I will be moving out, and that we need to raise our children together, but separately. She was in denial for several days, but concluded that she could never win me back. So next month I will be moving out, but will see my kids everyday after work until they fall asleep, then I will head to my new home. Yes I am a bad husband for cheating. No excuses. I will be damned in hell. But I feel that in order for my kids to be healthy, I have to find happiness. The only way to my happiness was to be away from wife. This is the way it is. I hate myself for what I did....but in the end, I have to be a bit selfish to avoid imminent self-destruction. Your comments are welcomed. I deserve to be stoned, but at least I get a moment of happiness before I burn in hell. Well worth it.
annieo Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I'm not going to stone you, that would be incredibly hypocritical You've gone through a lot of stress in your marriage, but you're right, it's not an excuse to cheat. And the amazing sex you had, well, forbidden sex is usually amazing. Your emotions are all ramped up, it's all so bad but oh so good, yadda yadda yadda. Don't make any decisions based on the sex. So what are you going to do? What do you want to do? Are you willing to deal with a divorce, or being dishonest with your wife? Or do you want to try to fix things? Decision time, methinks. If you still love her and can envision repairing your relationship, for the two of you and your kids, then it's time to fess up and get to a MC, if she'll go.
Reggie Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Been there with the autistic child. I had to do the majority of the childcare, howecer, as my XWW was abusive and never around. The divorce rate is extremely hihg among couples dealing with this type of stress. Believe me, cheating crossed my mind, as I was dealing with a lot af abuse and lonleiness. It's water under the bridge for you. You can see that you would be much more at peace had you avoided the cheating and just got out. You have remorse and that seperates you from a large group of people that do not and who feel perfectly justified. I would suggest you need counseling both to deal with the effects of the abuse and to find out why you were not strong enough to utilize other options, like counseling or divorce. Good luck.
NoIDidn't Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I am going to call a spade a spade. I don't for one minute believe that your wife was abusive towards you. It sounds like you did absolutely nothing to help out with your autistic child and she did everything and nagged you for your help. I reached this conclusion because you give your wife all the credit for caring for the child enough to do the best for it, while never saying that you did a thing other than feel "neglected". And you repay her by cheating on her repeatedly. Great. No wonder the divorce rate for people with high needs kids is so high. Sounds like she moved out of the marital bed because she resents you. That, and I think the therapist was way out of line if they actually told you to divorce. The decision to divorce is not the therapists, no matter what they see. I feel sad for your autistic child more than anything. Research is being done now to show that those kids can and do have feelings, they just don't know how to express them. If you are definitely planning to divorce your wife, I hope you plan to become a VERY ACTIVE part of your children's lives. They don't deserve to be abandoned just because you and their mom don't get along anymore.
Author Lovemepls Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 I appreciate the comments. The truth of the matter is that although i contribute less toward my daughter's therpeutic needs, i provide the opportunity for my daughter to get better. California is dead broke, so i have to out-of-pocket $3000 per month on her medical needs alone plus hire a live-in nanny for my son, and pay the mortgage, food, and everything else. Our household expenses add up to over $10,000 per month, and if i wasnt busting my ass working, my daughter wouldnt have had the chance to improve so quickly. Yes my wife was abusive, and that was due to stress. Im not making any excuses for myself. Marriage counseling does not work if you no longer love your spouse. I will be very active in my kids' lives. I will not date anyone until they are grown up. i am remorseful about cheating, but i think it was for the best. I needed the sex from that incredible woman. It ws so wrong, but my body and mind need it.
utterer of lies Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 That' date=' and I think the therapist was way out of line if they actually told you to divorce. The decision to divorce is not the therapists, no matter what they see.[/quote'] Some things are too broken to be mended. The therapist must have seen that.
bentnotbroken Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I have been an abusive wife. Verbally and physically. I understand the abuse. There is no excuse for it. I have no excuse for it. And you have no excuse for cheating. To say your body and your mind needed is a cope out. We need air, we need food, we need water, we need shelter...we want sex. If you were in a place(let's use the old desert scenario)and you needed the essentials to survive....I highly doubt you would chose sex as your sustainer.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Quit beating yourself up. If 70% is accurate, I am very sorry. Go date, be there for your family, spend quality time with your kids, pay and insist counseling for your wife. I don't know whether you are 100% sincere. If you are you truly need to improve your self-esteem.
norajane Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 If you can afford it, I'd suggest individual counseling for a while. It sounds like you have a lot of things to work through. As for this: I will not date anyone until they are grown up. Why? Are you punishing yourself or something? You left your marriage so you could find happiness, so I don't really understand why you are thinking you won't date anyone for the next 15 years. Do you really think you'll be happy that way?
2sure Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Stop with the martyr crap. You and your wife both contributed to a broken marriage. Feeling guilty while all the time still pointing the finger at her is not going to get you anywhere. Be emotionally honest with yourself, stop saying she made you do it. Forgive her her part in it, and accept you're own.
Gamine Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Your story is very sad. I see a tale of two people who seem pretty amazing. The amazing warrior, willing to sacrifice everything to save her child. She sounds like someone very special and worth knowing. Women like this humble me. During the past year she probably needed you to take care of her... and there you were needed to be taken care of. But, instead of needing to be taken care of by HER in particular, you sought to have these needs met by anyone. That is sad for her. That is so much more sad for you. Because you don't even realize why you are doing what you are doing... and it may be too late for you when you do finally realize. There was a study done on rats. They took two sibling rats who were by all accounts 'buddies'. Added a negative impulse of an electric shock to each of them. Before long, they associated this shock with one another and began biting at each other. Before long they were fighting to the death and had to be separated. The same rats were placed in a cage with another sibling rat. They got along just fine. They placed the two original rats that they got to fight with each other back into the cage and they fought. Sometimes it isn't intrinsically the other person we have problems with, but the emotional trauma we associated with them. Do yourself a favor and don't do anything hasty. If you do separate do so with the ambition to not be a laboratory rat. You are a smart fella ... use your brains here. Think and don't react. If you are successful in business you will understand this. Think with your intelligence and rationally pick this situation apart. Exercise the same discipline you use in your work to this situation. You are free associating pain with your wife... psychologically and emotionally. Don't be a victim of brain wiring... do better than a lab rat did. You have a gem here in your wife... not easily found anywhere. Look inward and trust yourself... look into this study and examine your situation. The free spirit represents the antithesis of your wife and while she may be a welcomed departure.. it is the stress and trauma that you are running from.
angie2443 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I am going to call a spade a spade. I don't for one minute believe that your wife was abusive towards you. It sounds like you did absolutely nothing to help out with your autistic child and she did everything and nagged you for your help. I reached this conclusion because you give your wife all the credit for caring for the child enough to do the best for it, while never saying that you did a thing other than feel "neglected". And you repay her by cheating on her repeatedly. Great. No wonder the divorce rate for people with high needs kids is so high. Sounds like she moved out of the marital bed because she resents you. That, and I think the therapist was way out of line if they actually told you to divorce. The decision to divorce is not the therapists, no matter what they see. I feel sad for your autistic child more than anything. Research is being done now to show that those kids can and do have feelings, they just don't know how to express them. If you are definitely planning to divorce your wife, I hope you plan to become a VERY ACTIVE part of your children's lives. They don't deserve to be abandoned just because you and their mom don't get along anymore. I agree with this. You say your wife created a dungeon for herself. What exactly was she supposed to do? I suppose she could have given the child to an institution if you allowed that. Maybe she didn't have the heart. I think the truth is that you didn't want to deal with the burden of a special needs child. You're comming here because you want to be let off the hook and know that if you say things like "I'm a rotten husband" ect. that most people are going to say "now, now, you are not bad. You were just in a bad situation" and so on. That's what's happening. I've seen this type of manipulation too many times before. Sorry, I just can't buy it anymore.
redtail Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I have been an abusive wife. Verbally and physically. I understand the abuse. There is no excuse for it. I have no excuse for it. And you have no excuse for cheating. To say your body and your mind needed is a cope out. We need air, we need food, we need water, we need shelter...we want sex. If you were in a place(let's use the old desert scenario)and you needed the essentials to survive....I highly doubt you would chose sex as your sustainer. I can appreciate your point and am not going to disagree, totally. However, review "Maslow's hierarchy of needs" and you'll be surprised to see where the human need for sex falls. I agree that air/food/etc top sex in a strictly survival situation, but I wouldn't dismiss one's need to for sex if those other basic needs are met. My $0.02...
Gamine Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I can appreciate your point and am not going to disagree, totally. However, review "Maslow's hierarchy of needs" and you'll be surprised to see where the human need for sex falls. I agree that air/food/etc top sex in a strictly survival situation, but I wouldn't dismiss one's need to for sex if those other basic needs are met. My $0.02... Wikipedia seems to disagree concerning sex as a component of such significance citing it as one of the lower physiological levels that become less significant when the higher evolution of the self takes place.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Wikipedia seems to disagree concerning sex as a component of such significance citing it as one of the lower physiological levels that become less significant when the higher evolution of the self takes place. Psychobabble. And from Wikipedia, no less. Must be true ... Mr. Lucky
Gamine Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Psychobabble. And from Wikipedia, no less. Must be true ... Mr. Lucky FYI, Mr. Lucky, I researched the theory referenced by Redtail, citing Wikipedia as a source out of interest. I understand your priority concerning sex. Why not start a thread that deals with this issue so you can explore it...
angie2443 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 . I understand your priority concerning sex. Why not start a thread that deals with this issue so you can explore it... This is a good idea. The OP has a lot more going on in his post than lack of sex.
NoIDidn't Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I agree with this. You say your wife created a dungeon for herself. What exactly was she supposed to do? I suppose she could have given the child to an institution if you allowed that. Maybe she didn't have the heart. I think the truth is that you didn't want to deal with the burden of a special needs child. You're comming here because you want to be let off the hook and know that if you say things like "I'm a rotten husband" ect. that most people are going to say "now, now, you are not bad. You were just in a bad situation" and so on. That's what's happening. I've seen this type of manipulation too many times before. Sorry, I just can't buy it anymore. Exactly. I doubt that his W is abusive. An abusive person doesn't have it in them to sacrifice themselves for ANYONE, much less a child. She did things so well for this child that things are turning around. And all the OP could see was that she was bending over for his child and not for him. These kinds of situations are so very complex that I don't even think the OP truly knows what he is feeling and has projected his bad feelings for his circumstances (as a parent of a special needs child) onto his W and marriage. I think his W is feeling pretty neglected too, or she wouldn't verbally berate him so much. Its not healthy for her to do that, but I don't think it qualifies as abuse. Neglect is abusive as well. And from what the OP says, he must spend hours and days away from home making the money that makes his child's care possible - neglecting his role as a partner and lover to his W and father to his kids. This is so common in families with mentally ill or disabled members. The situation just makes everyone hate each other because their own needs go neglected while the person with the special needs seems to never move into a place where less care is possible. I am angry that the OP is presenting his side as the side of a victim, yet I understand. I am sad that he and his W no longer love each other, it was avoidable had the OP not taken the victim stance but what's done is done now. I think the therapist had no business telling them it was okay to throw in the towel because its very possible that some time apart could do this marriage a world of good. I think the OP needs to get some help for his victim complex. Whether he divorces or not, that stance is not going to make any other relationships sustainable or healthy.
Author Lovemepls Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Although it may appear that I am trying to gain sympathy and the perception of being a victim, that is not my intention. My wife and children are the victims. I am the bad husband....the cheater. It is true that I may not fully understand even my own emotions. I just tell it as I see it, and of course it is only my side of the story. Indeed my wife is a very strong and admirable woman. I truly would rather have her focus on my daughter than on me. I may have felt neglected at some point, but if she were not so abusive towards me, I would have continued to endure it. She is not an abusive person.... just abusive towards me because she is incapable of juggling my daughter's situation and dealing with me at the same time. I really don't want to date or be involved with any other women for the next several years. I don't want my kids to be affected by another woman. It is bad enough as it is. My happiness does not come from another woman, but from being away from my wife. It is true that I may associate pain and anger with the thought of my wife. This I cannot help, and I may very well be just as primitive as the lab rats. It's human nature... I went over a year with no sex, so sex is not one of my major needs. I feel I need respect and love more than sex. It is my fault that this family and marriage is falling apart. I am not blaming my wife. My daughter and son are my only reasons for living. I am making a sound decision to separate so that I can still be a father to my kids. My kids deserve to be loved and cared for....even if parents are apart. I am not trying to escape anything.... In fact, I am dealing with this problem head on, in a civil manner. There is no more love in this marriage. It has to end. Some of you can relate, while others cannot. I am truly sincere about my situation, and I really appreciate the inputs. I am hoping to gain insights from your opinions....that's all.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I think the OP needs to get some help for his victim complex. Whether he divorces or not' date=' that stance is not going to make any other relationships sustainable or healthy.[/quote'] Not sure he's a victim as much as he sees himself as a martyr. OP, when you say things like this, you're contradicting the basis of your actions to this point: I will not date anyone until they are grown up. You cheated because you couldn't stand the lonliness and isolation of your M, but you'll live in a self-imposed "cone of solitude" for the next decade plus ??? As NID said, you have some things to work through. Keep posting... Mr. Lucky
redtail Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Wikipedia seems to disagree concerning sex as a component of such significance citing it as one of the lower physiological levels that become less significant when the higher evolution of the self takes place. (Look up higher, "sexual intimacy") Sorry, back to your normally scheduled programming...
angie2443 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 How many hours a day did you put in helping your daughter since her birth up till now? Do you blame your wife for your daughter's condition? Your idea of your wife putting herself in a dungeon makes me think that you some how blame her for your daughter and hold her responsible for her care while you feel you should be free from it. This is just the sense I get from your first post.
NoIDidn't Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Not sure he's a victim as much as he sees himself as a martyr. I don't see the difference in the two roles. The victim role is a very important part of the martyr mindset. Isn't a martyr a victim of something? Martyrs just choose what they allow to victimize them. But the OP is neither martyr nor victim. And this is where his issue lies. He feels he is sacrificing his happiness for a bad marriage. What he really needs is some time away, and in therapy, to see things more clearly. He has admitted that his W isn't abusive, just that she is overwhelmed with the care of their child and hasn't figured out how to include him yet. So, I don't see a victim or a martyr (not saying that you do either). I just see a very unimaginative and inflexible person (and his W might very well be the same way) He's in a tough spot. He and his W have done so much damage to their own relationship that they cannot even share the same bed anymore. He might not be able to reconcile his marriage. It doesn't sound like he even wants to. And, based on what he has added to his thread, infidelity isn't even the main issue. (Lovemepls, I do apologize for speaking of you in the third person.)
bentnotbroken Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I can appreciate your point and am not going to disagree, totally. However, review "Maslow's hierarchy of needs" and you'll be surprised to see where the human need for sex falls. I agree that air/food/etc top sex in a strictly survival situation, but I wouldn't dismiss one's need to for sex if those other basic needs are met. My $0.02... Funny you would mention Maslow. Been studying him for the last couple of years. Still you can survive without sex. And the other needs do have to be met first. But to say you need it to survive...far stretch.
Gamine Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Although it may appear that I am trying to gain sympathy and the perception of being a victim, that is not my intention. My wife and children are the victims. I am the bad husband....the cheater. It is true that I may not fully understand even my own emotions. I just tell it as I see it, and of course it is only my side of the story. Indeed my wife is a very strong and admirable woman. I truly would rather have her focus on my daughter than on me. I may have felt neglected at some point, but if she were not so abusive towards me, I would have continued to endure it. She is not an abusive person.... just abusive towards me because she is incapable of juggling my daughter's situation and dealing with me at the same time. I really don't want to date or be involved with any other women for the next several years. I don't want my kids to be affected by another woman. It is bad enough as it is. My happiness does not come from another woman, but from being away from my wife. It is true that I may associate pain and anger with the thought of my wife. This I cannot help, and I may very well be just as primitive as the lab rats. It's human nature... I went over a year with no sex, so sex is not one of my major needs. I feel I need respect and love more than sex. It is my fault that this family and marriage is falling apart. I am not blaming my wife. My daughter and son are my only reasons for living. I am making a sound decision to separate so that I can still be a father to my kids. My kids deserve to be loved and cared for....even if parents are apart. I am not trying to escape anything.... In fact, I am dealing with this problem head on, in a civil manner. There is no more love in this marriage. It has to end. Some of you can relate, while others cannot. I am truly sincere about my situation, and I really appreciate the inputs. I am hoping to gain insights from your opinions....that's all. On one hand you indicate that you love your children more than life itself (to paraphrase) and on the other hand indicate that your need for 'happiness' comes first. You know without any reasonable doubt that your children will be hurt by a divorce, your ex wife dating and perhaps a step father will come along. You are hurt because you were neglected and yelled at. Your vow was for in sickness and in health... richer or poorer... Well now you are being put to the test. Anyone can run. You can be someone who your children can look up to... someone who put them first... or you they can do the looking from afar trying to figure you out for most of their teens. The choice to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and be the 'man' that your kids need is up to you... and no... leaving their mother because you are neglected and angry may not be the best message you could ever give them. I understand where you are coming from, but your happiness may need to take a back seat... or you may need to see the beautiful things in your life you presently have before you. A woman and a man in love can be beautiful. But, loving when there is no reason at all to ... now that is something. She deserves the benefit of the doubt. She did not cheat or leave you when the going got tough. Show your kids who you are and yes... while your happiness matters... being happy isn't always found in independence but by wading through the crap and finding the flower. Your choice can be the difference in many peoples lives.
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