What is the lowest thing the MM/MW/OW/OM did to keep the A going?

[MSUE]

well this was a long time ago...but I was the married one and the one having the A...I would go to great lenghts lying about my D...making up all kinds of reasons why it was taking so long...meantime the D wasn't even on the plans but I had to do what I had to do to keep my A cause truly I loved him more than I ever tought possible but I was trapped primarly financially not to mention I had nothing on my own eventually I left it all the H the money the house everything but my pets to be with him...and it ended up working out...as we are still together and plan on staying together...

[In_Repair]

I stayed with my wife after discovering her affair... because of my children. I don't really see how that is much different than a person ending their affair for the same reason. You sacrifice your own needs and desires for your children - that's what you are supposed to do. Having an affair in the first place wasn't in the kids best interest either, of course, but realizing that you are actually going to be in their lives on a daily basis and that you are going to destroy their family... that tends to snap a parent right out of their "affair fog" and it also lets a BS deal with things that they would never put up with otherwise.

[NoIDidn't]

The longer everyone accepts excuses, the longer the A continues.

 

 

Agreed! Also the longer everyone accepts excuses, the less work to change the problems in the primary relationship to begin with.

 

Its a lose/lose for sure.

[In_Repair]

Well, it won't let me modify my last post...

 

It's supposed to say: "but realizing that you are actually not going to be in their lives on a daily basis"

[Can'tGiveUp]

I have very strong views about not staying in a bad situation for the sake of the kids. And I think the happiness of the parents is a direct influence on the happiness of the children and the environment of the home. He had equally strong views on the two parent home life.

 

I understand what you are saying. When he first went back, you two were NC for several months, so it doesn't really have much to do then with a continuing affair. But you had limited contact, so you kept your emotional connection alive which qualifies as an EA.

 

I don't think I would classify that original break as an EA. We were not involved in any intimate discussions of any kind. Everything was very friendly and in fact, superficial. It was at the end of that break that turned it into more.

 

Again, I am not trying to make the argument that he loves his W and that's why he went back. I can imagine that he doesn't but his beliefs about a two parent home are stronger than any love he has left for his marriage. I just get stuck on his telling you that he's there for the kids. If the kids managed to get him to go back the first time, they will be able to do so practically each time he tries to leave.

 

He can come to the conclusion that his desire for a two parent home is greater than even his love for you as well. A crisis involving the kids can come out of the blue and keep pushing your love and relationship to the shelf. Or, no crisis, but someone praising him about his lovely family, could have the same result - him staying where he says he doesn't want to be.

 

I bolded the one part in my original post. That was his belief. It no longer is. He spent a lot of time considering all of these things. The last NC was 6 months of absolute NC. In that time he concluded that he needs to leave because it isn't doing either himself or his kids any good remaining in that situation.

 

I just learned this the hard way. A value as deeply ingrained as the belief in a two-parent household (or a only-in-death-do-you-part M) is not one you can hope to overcome. He may try to leave anyway out of his desire to be with you, but without a lot of serious therapy, he will probably fail and go right back home out of duty.

 

I guess time will tell with that. He seems to have changed his beliefs in that respect.

 

I think this is something that the OW need to stop saying.

 

It's just like how BS's talk crap about the OW when her H comes back. It's to make the hurt "feel" better.

 

It doesn't matter WHY the MM stays in the M.

 

The point is, he stays married.

 

The longer everyone accepts excuses, the longer the A continues.

 

GEL

 

Very true. In my case, he has now said he is going to leave. Either he does, and we build our relationship. Or he doesn't and we are done.

 

I guess that is why I responded to this thread in particular. We have tried to end this so many times. And not with 2 days of NC and we are back at it, but months and months of NC. The last thing we want to do is keep it going.

 

Either he will do what he has to, to have the life together that we envision, or he drops the ball and can't break free from those obligations. I will give him some time to get the process going, but if nothing is happening, then I am gone. And with no hope of being together again. I will not deal with waffling. Now that he has said he will leave, that is my expectation. I won't be listening if he shows up in another year saying "No, I really mean it this time". One chance to follow through.

[NoIDidn't]

I guess, I have to revise my view on what the worse thing that the MP does to keep the A going to include WAFFLING.

 

Its a little different from lying, because it seems they absolutely meant what they were saying at the moment that they said it. BUT, it doesn't change anything truly when they can't follow through.

 

Waffling seems to have the same effect as lying.

[marlena]

Well, to me, I think it was when he called my daughter and told her he loved me and would marry me one day. How manipulative is that?

 

I had gone NC for a long time and refused to talk to him. Some people will go to any lengths to have their cake and eat it too.

 

This was one of the biggest lessons ever learned in my life. And I learned it well.

[Can'tGiveUp]

I guess, I have to revise my view on what the worse thing that the MP does to keep the A going to include WAFFLING.

 

Its a little different from lying, because it seems they absolutely meant what they were saying at the moment that they said it. BUT, it doesn't change anything truly when they can't follow through.

 

Waffling seems to have the same effect as lying.

 

Hmmm...I will assume that this is directly related to my post.

 

I won't stick around for any waffling. Either he does or doesn't. But when I think about it, he wouldn't say "I can't right now, but I will, if you can just wait for a few months." He would just say he can't do it and we need to quit seeing each other.

[NoIDidn't]

Hmmm...I will assume that this is directly related to my post.

 

I won't stick around for any waffling. Either he does or doesn't. But when I think about it, he wouldn't say "I can't right now, but I will, if you can just wait for a few months." He would just say he can't do it and we need to quit seeing each other.

 

No, it wasn't related to your post.

 

Its actually related more to MistyK's, if anything.

 

Sorry, if it seemed that way. You haven't given anyone the impression that he's waffling. In fact, you said you won't tolerate it. So, we won't know he's actually waffling, until you report something that sounds like it.

 

Again, I apologize.

[Can'tGiveUp]

No, it wasn't related to your post.

 

Its actually related more to MistyK's, if anything.

 

Sorry, if it seemed that way. You haven't given anyone the impression that he's waffling. In fact, you said you won't tolerate it. So, we won't know he's actually waffling, until you report something that sounds like it.

 

Again, I apologize.

 

No need to apologize.

 

I guess, because I used the term I thought you meant me in particular. Lol - for a second there, I thought you were making fun of me. I suddenly wondered if maybe waffling was an idiom specific to the area I live in. Actually had to double check it in the dictionary.

[jj33]

But isnt waffling what the whole A is about? An A IS waffling, they waffle over to the OP when they can, and then they waffle back to their spouse/family.

 

Its all horsesh*t as far as I am concerned (sorry to be so crude) but it is.

 

Some of the stories I have read on here have been mind boggling. The idea that someone could lie again and again just to keep someone else hanging on and in love with them is --its hard to fathom how they can look themselves in the mirror.

 

And the tales about the spouses and marriages. Thankfully I didnt get them. No bad words about the W at all. I have to say if someone told me those sad tales I would RUN. Because what kind of a man would stay in such a bad situation.

 

Either that or I would have started packing his bags for him - its THAT bad, well obviously you cant stay then come on hurry up lets pack fast!

 

With no disrespect, I understand how someone can be taken in, when you love someone and have pinned your hopes on them, you can end up believing things that would shock Ripleys believe it or not.

[Lizzie60]

In my case, my MM from work.. was calling me, crying.. or leaving messages... while crying.. and he once told me he was getting depressed and was thinking about leaving his W... I kept seeing him cause I didn't want him to do something he would've regretted.

[Mr. Lucky]

I don't understand why some OW's struggle to understand that their MM has made a choice - and it wasn't her. Isn't it possible that, after some consideration and a clearing of the fog, he has simply chosen the life he had with his W and family? I'm amazed at the ability to spin what seem to be a fairly clear set of actions - he's ended the A and gone back to his W - into a secret meaning of "he really wants to be with me, but the kids...".

 

If he really is your soulmate, if he's really in love with you, he'll leave his M to be with you. People do it all the time, life goes on, people survive. This repeated delusion of "he'd be with me if he could" gets old. He could, he's simply choosing not to...

 

Mr. Lucky

[NoIDidn't]

No need to apologize.

 

I guess, because I used the term I thought you meant me in particular. Lol - for a second there, I thought you were making fun of me. I suddenly wondered if maybe waffling was an idiom specific to the area I live in. Actually had to double check it in the dictionary.

 

Funny. Are you in Belgium? LOL.