mr.dream merchant Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 At work I had this powerful random urge to dial her number (restricted of course) to hear a ringtone after I heard it on the radio. The ringtone was different. This killed me. Usually she changes her ringtones when something big happens. Or she changed her number. It hurt real bad. Both possibilities killed me inside. Just when you think reality has set in, it set in even more. She's gone man. Never coming back. The one I thought I'd spend my life with is gone. The shorty I talked kids, marriage, houses, cars, clothes for the baby, names for the baby..everything - gone. And it wasn't even on a good note. It was on a "her-blaming-the-problems-in-our-relationship-on-me-and-why-I'm-the reason-why-she's-unhappy-note". I'm not perfect. Nobody is. But I tried my best to love her as much as she let me. And now she's gone. Said I wasn't good enough. There's days where I'm fine. I'm feeling great, I look great. Women are showing me lots of attention, I'm just vibrant. And then there's days where I'm down you know? And the days where I'm down, I feel like I can't get up. Like I'm stuck. Longing for a person who doesn't even give a **** about me probably. Who probably has another person in their life already. Who probably doesn't think about me, or doesn't care enough about me to even make some form of contact. And these thoughts murder me inside. Slowly. Why do I want her so bad? Why did things play out the way they did? What did I do to deserve this? Why couldn't she keep it real with me? Why couldn't she talk to me? Or tell me how she was feeling? Why couldn't she show me that she loved me? Or reciprocate that love back to me? Why did I always have a gut feeling that my heart wasn't safe with her? That she'd leave me for another guy? Or cheat on me? I have so many questions that I'll never know the answer to. And these questions hit home so hard, everytime I repeat them in my head. Technically I haven't broken NC because I hung up the phone while it was dialing. But dialing that number really set me back a good day or two of healing. I don't understand it. I don't know what more I could've done to make that relationship go a different way. I don't know what more I could've done to get over that insecure feeling I got with her. Even when I think of her now I feel insecure, and I'm not even with her. And I'm a confident and secure guy. I know I look good. I know I got game, I know I'm a catch. But why do I feel the opposite of all those when it comes to her? Is it because she never showed me back the love I had for her which led to me feeling vulnerable to heartbreak? I got a thousand questions that I feel go unanswered when I ask them. Sigh. She'll never be happy the way she is now...but I can't stop myself from longing for her.
on edge Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Dream, So sorry man. Sounds like you are just having one of those days. Have your mates take you out for a beer after work. I still feel the urge to call my ex every now and then, but I blocked her number so I couldn't call her even if I wanted to.
Author mr.dream merchant Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Last night while waiting to go to a house party, I went for a drive. I found myself driving to her house. But I didn't stop. I just followed the road. I passed by her house and I saw that her car wasn't home. It's 10:30 on a Friday night. Who knows what she's doing. But I could throw in a couple guesses. It didn't hurt like you think it would..you know? It was more of the last breath of hope slipping from out of me, and giving me that final step to the other side known as "moving on". Ever since seeing that, I've kind of been at peace. The questions are still there but they don't race anymore. She could've been on a date last night. That possibility had the most effect on me, but it wasn't negative. Nobody really knows but her and to wonder about it knowing that I'll never know, it just seemed dumb to me. Wondering and worrying about what you can't control or ever know. If she left me for another guy then I didn't lose much. If she's jumping into a new relationship with another guy, then I didn't lose much. If she's moved on so fast from our relationship, then she didn't have the love for me like I had for her, and in turn - I didn't lose much. Even though I didn't lose much, I still have all the love I could ever possibly give for her. And whatever she's up to now, I really hope she finds happiness in it. Because that's all I ever wanted for her. And she knows. I told her lots of times before. I want her to be happy, be it with or without me in her life. And looking back I'm glad I went out the way I did. Telling her if this is what she wants, that I support it and that I hope she finds what she's looking for. I wasn't hateful, angry, or upset with her. I didn't say mean and hurtful things to her during the breakup. I kept it real with her, and I showed her that even through the toughest times in a relationship, my love for her stood strong. And one day she'll look back and realize that I really do love her. When is that? No one knows. It may be right now, tomorrow, in a couple months, when her next bf treats her worse than I did, or maybe better than I did. This moment of...peace...is what I hope to achieve everyday from this point on. Seeing her car missing from that driveway last night, it did a number on me, but what it didn't do was hurt me anymore. I don't encourage anyone to do what I did, and I guess everyone is different in their healing process. She could've been out with friends, who knows. All I know is that trip pushed me in the direction I wanted to go. I know I have great love to give. She knows I do to. And I know she'll make a great GF for the next guy. She has improvements to make, so do I, but I know that in the long run, we'll both be happy. And when I think about that, her happiness, my happiness, her lovely smile, and my charming smile, it makes me feel so good and enthusiastic about the future. With the positive it seems the negative dies.
NJAries Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Merchant, I know what you're talkin about man. I got the same **** as well, the let's blame everything on you because I can't rationally sit down and talk through our problem bs. Some people are just too immature to handle a serious, committed relationship. That's where I went wrong. I "thought she was different." Big mistake. It's been 6 months since I've even spoken to her, and I still can't let go. Sucks horribly, but life does go on. I've gotten much better, and continue to do so. I'm just waiting for Ms. Right to sweep me off my feet, hehe (good luck right?) Anyway, your a deep dude homie, I read some of your other posts and you definately have values/qualities certain chicks would die for. If this trick don't appreciate you for the deep, sensitive individual that you are, let that broad fall back. One day she'll realize what she lost. Hopefully then it'll be too late. -Aries P.S. You should definately be a writer. You certainly have a way with words...
NJAries Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Even though I didn't lose much, I still have all the love I could ever possibly give for her. And whatever she's up to now, I really hope she finds happiness in it. Because that's all I ever wanted for her. And she knows. I told her lots of times before. I want her to be happy, be it with or without me in her life. And looking back I'm glad I went out the way I did. Telling her if this is what she wants, that I support it and that I hope she finds what she's looking for. I wasn't hateful, angry, or upset with her. I didn't say mean and hurtful things to her during the breakup. I kept it real with her, and I showed her that even through the toughest times in a relationship, my love for her stood strong. And one day she'll look back and realize that I really do love her. When is that? No one knows. It may be right now, tomorrow, in a couple months, when her next bf treats her worse than I did, or maybe better than I did. I gotta post again after re-reading this. I feel this same exact way. I still got love for her, no matter what happens. I told her I'd love her always and forever, and I truly meant it this time around. I did also tell her when she broke up with me that I just wanted her to be happy, even if it's not with me. I also truly meant that. Obviously my ex wasn't 100% completely happy being with me, so she had to do what is/will make her happy. I just hope she feels she made the right choice. I'm much more evolved than to wish her pain and suffering, she didn't deserve it. She just wasn't happy. You can't hold that against someone, as much as it sucks. And again, one day they'll realize bro. Whatever's meant to be will be.... -Aries
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