Repeating the same thing with every relationship

[Hkizzle]

I'm not sure I'm following you here.

 

A more advanced tool doesn't make it naturally better or worse. It depends on how you use it.

 

For example, I can use explosives to to help in mining or to kill people.

 

Humans have more advanced brains, so I can program a human to be better than an animal.

 

The more advanced and smarter something is, the more good or harm it can do. The important thing is you program it correctly at the beginning.

[RedDevil66]

A more advanced tool doesn't make it naturally better or worse. It depends on how you use it.

 

For example, I can use explosives to to help in mining or to kill people.

 

Humans have more advanced brains, so I can program a human to be better than an animal.

 

The more advanced and smarter something is, the more good or harm it can do. The important thing is you program it correctly at the beginning.

 

ok, got it, but I was thinking more along the lines of spirit and energy than the brains.

Being advanced as humans doesn't mean we're "better", it just means we are smarter and as everyone knows, being smarter doesn't mean better. I know some pretty stupid smart people ;-)

 

The energy of "life" in my eyes, is all equal. Human, animal, tree etc, We are all one

[Hkizzle]

i guess you could say that i might have the cheating gene in me, which kinda sucks cause i do want to stop.

and about the karma, no, its bullcrap. its just some way for people to justify something after theyve been wronged. bad things happen to everyone, not cause they deserve it, but because they just happen. youre saying that if a girl gets raped its her karma cause she did something wrong to someone else. no, bullcrap. you have to look at it both ways. karma just doesnt happen to people who are truely bad people, it would have to be the same for everyone. so again. dumb dumb dumb

 

Ok from reading your posts I can tell you're quite analytical so I'll teach you a tool to help you deal with cheating.

 

Once every so often depending on your needs sit down and meditate. Lol, yeah meditate.

 

By this I mean try and clear all your thoughts until the only though is the one about you trying to clear all your thoughts. The process should take a few minutes. Then slowly allow yourself to start having thoughts about the men in your life.

 

Ask yourself what they mean to you.

 

Who do you really want to be with?

 

What feelings each man creates.

 

Then think which of these thoughts are healthy and which are not. Is it a primal lust or a good reason to be with someone?

 

Then you'll be able to differentiate which thoughts are healthy and what you consciously want and which ones are primal and going to drive you to make a bad decision.

[utterer of lies]

Nope I'm interested in how the mind works and know basically that you are what you think about. Its nothing to do with genes. You'll notice these days that bad behavioural problems is being blamed more and more on genes and people are taking more and more drugs to sort out their problems when the problem lies with their thoughts.

 

But you wrote

 

These days cheating is much more widespread due to the modern media.

 

which shows that, in addition to a lack of knowledge about mass media and behavior, you also fail in history.

[Trialbyfire]

Do I need professional help? Cause I'm really starting to think that.

Yes, I strongly encourage you to get some professional help, as your pattern of behaviour isn't normal.

 

I don't know if it's just because I get bored or what. It happens every single time and I'm sick of it, but it's like I can't help it.

Everyone knows mostly why they do things but yes, you can help it, just like you stop yourself from eating until you vomit or drinking until you black out everynight.

 

I don't want to keep doing this to these guys. And than if I do decide to stay with 4th, I don't want to do this to him again, but I don't know how to fix it.

This is why therapy is worthwhile to someone like yourself. You have to understand why you need to swing from branch to branch, in exit affairs.

 

Some people have told me that I need to stay single for awhile. Tried that, and I just drank way more and and had too much casual sex. So that wasn't good and I like being in a relationship.

So you feel your needs, trump the needs of the guys you've hurt in the past?

 

So give me your advice, I know it probrably won't be too nice, but it's ok

I'm glad you're realistic, in that you're aware that the responses aren't and won't be nice or enabling.

[Woggle]

Maybe you are just not the relationship type. Why don't you accept that and stop dragging innocent guys into it who don't deserve to be betrayed like this? There is nothing wrong with being casual and commiting to nobody as long as you do it honestly. Instead of drinking when you are single take up a hobby or focus on your career so you something to concentrate on. Maybe after you do that you might actually be ready for a relationship where you can truly commit because you will have your own identity.

[stace79]

Uh, it doesn't "just happen." You choose to do it. Until you own up to the fact that you are making a conscious decision to cheat, you will keep treating it like some sort of illness.

[Chubbi]

But am wanting to change and find someone that I'll respect so much I won't do it to.

 

 

Why not respect yourself? Why not do it for you? What person is going to change you if you can't even change yourself? How horrible of a feeling you must have if you think you can't even help yourself. You have to wait on your knight in shining armor to save you from your inner evil. You're helpless- a pushover-a person driven by something like a lycanthropy gene (in the bright moon light, the OP turns from faithful girlfriend to serial seductress. Ruled by her inner dog, she goes on a prowl looking for anything to hump).

 

Another thing- Why do you have sex so carelessly? it's just so jaded... You may want to get over the I'm a damsel in distress syndrome- remember, the princesses were all virgins...

 

When were you last tested?

[fakobako]

thanks everyone for their suggestions. i knew most of them wouldnt be great so i was expecting that.

and to the last post, yes i get tested every 6 months. when i said casual sex, i didnt mean that i did it every night with a different guy. im with a guy for about a year than it just starts to happen, but i stop having sex with my boyfriend at the time cause i want to remove myself from the relationship emotionally. thats why i sometimes feel like ive already broken up with them.

but im like a person who is crossing a river jumping on rocks. im gonna skip to the other one safely without getting "wet", in my mind getting hurt. so i wanna make sure ive got something to jump to before i leave the other rock. weird, but its just how i am but im hoping to change.

[Devil Inside]

OP you may have a love or sex addiction. Go online and do a little research. In particular, your desire to always be in a relationship and never leave one until the next is ready is what tipped me off.

 

I think the help of a therapist would be integral to tackling this issue. You need someone that can keep you honest with yourself as you go through the process. People can and do change.

 

I agree with the other Devil that this is how you soothe yourself...by being in a relationship...even if you're already in one. I think that this core issue will prevent you from ever being happy with one person...however, it's not about other people, it's about you.

 

Good luck. I appreciate your honesty, it's not easy to open yourself up to the scrutiny of others when it comes to things we are ashamed of.

[trueblue72ny]

oh, and about the whole karma bullcrap and what goes around comes around. i do not believe in it.

when someone believes in it, and something bad happens to them, they get all pissy and say "oh youll get yours, what goes around comes around!!"

okeyyyyy, so why did something bad happen to you than? if youre so good in this little "karma" filled world, why did something bad happen to you?

well, since you believe in this karma bullcrap, it must be something bad that you did coming back to you. or that just doesnt happen to you, only bad things happen to you and everyone else will get theirs, youve never done anything wrong. everyones out to get you and you dont deserve anything bad happening to you.

dumb dumb dumb. karma is a stupid way to try and get people to be nice to eachother, and than when something bad happens to them, they have something to say to that person and try to get their revenge on them through "karma". OOooooo your so bad.

like i said, dumb dumb dumb. just another way for those stupid liberal hippys to make money in those retarded new age stores.

 

 

i am totally intrigued by you

[sugarmomma]

It does sound like some others have said, that the OP has a problem not being in a relationship.

 

 

One thing that I have learned is that if I can be with me who else will want to after so long?

 

The fact that you can't be in "limbo" without someone to be with is the most disturbing thing you have said. Even more disturbing than the cheating.

 

Spend some time outside a relationship to try and get an idea of what it is you really believe about relationships. I can understand your thinking a little since it does require a lot of courage to hang in there when times get tough.

[Morgenstern]

You my non-friend, are lower than dirt in my book.

[samsungxoxo]

Have you ever tried out swingers lifestyle?? You can find other guys that have the same point of view towards relationships that you have. With them, you don't have to worry about cheating nor hurting their feelings since it's an open relationship..

 

But if you want to change and somehow be in a commited relationship (meaning close) without cheating then yes the first step would be to break off your current relationship, go single for a while and go seek a therapist right away.

[Thornton]

Fakobako: In the past I have done the same thing you've done, not wanting to let go of one guy until I had hold of the next one. I reckon I went through half a dozen relationships that way. It took me a long time to get my head around what I was doing and why. So I can only speak from experience, but I hope it helps. (I'm being honest about my past here in an effort to help someone, so please don't flame me).

 

One of the main issues was that I was afraid to be alone. I worked on the premise that any bf was better than no bf, so I'd hang onto a guy way past the point where the attraction ended, just because nobody else was on the horizon. I'd even be purposely looking out for a new bf and be 100% sure that I didn't want the existing bf, yet I'd still hang onto him until I actually had a new bf. The reason for this was because I was always living someone else's life - always hanging out with the friends of the bf I had at the time, always doing stuff with him, sometimes living with him - I didn't actually have a life of my own and friends of my own, so I was reluctant to move out of one guy's life until I could move into another guy's life, because there was nothing to bridge the gap. To fix the problem I had to take some time out, stop living other people's lives and think about me as an individual: What do I want, what do I enjoy, who do I get on with? I took up some hobbies, made some friends of my own, and had less need for a guy to involve me in his life because I had a life of my own. When I no longer needed a guy in my life, I was free to sit back and wait for the right guy.

 

Secondly I was very selfish. It didn't occur to me that I was stringing along the guy in question and really hurting him; all I thought about was that I needed him to be there for me, at least until I found someone better. I didn't really think about what he wanted or needed, I had no respect for him. It took me a lot of soul searching to realise that I was behaving badly, and that my bad behaviour was being mostly fed by my fear of being alone - I would use guys I didn't really want just so I wouldn't be alone, so I'd always have a bf. I had to learn to be more respectful of other people and less selfish, even if doing so put me at a disadvantage.

 

Thirdly I had to learn to be more specific about what I wanted in a guy. With hindsight I can see that many of the guys I dated weren't really what I wanted in a bf, so although they were good enough to pass the time with, ultimately I was looking to trade up to someone better (and I always did eventually). If I'd acknowledged from the beginning that a particular guy wasn't right for me (instead of using him to fill the time until Mr Right came along) then not only would he have been less hurt but I'd have spent more time single and ironically would probably have had more chance of actually meeting Mr Right.

 

I don't know if any of these factors sound familiar to you, I'm just explaining why I did what I did. In the end I fixed things by spending time on my own, finding my own niche in life and making my own friends (so I didn't need a guy to live through)... and I actually discovered that not only can I survive on my own, but I was actually happier being who I wanted to be as a person rather than trying to live through some guy and be who he wanted me to be. I decided that I needed to be a better person who is honest and straight with people and doesn't string anyone along. I also thought long and hard about what I wanted in a guy, and I decided that I was going to change my strategy: instead of dating any guy to fill the time I'd actually hold out for a guy who met my criteria so I'd feel no need to trade up. I waited and eventually I met a guy who was everything I ever wanted, and for the first time I was completely happy and felt no need to cheat, no need to trade up, because he was the only one I wanted (the relationship didn't last, but that's another story).

 

So I guess what I'm saying is, perhaps you won't cheat once you find the right guy and no longer feel that need to trade up. But in the meantime you need to learn to be happy on your own, so you know who you are as a person and you can therefore find a guy who fits you. Also you need to try to be more considerate of other people's feelings, and actually look for what you want instead of dating whatever is available while you wait for what you want to land in your lap (which won't happen). The fact is, the time you spend with Mr Wrong is time you could have spent out looking for Mr Right - I wish I'd realised that sooner!

[jnj express]

If you can't stay in or don't want to stay in the relationship then don't. What you are doing wrong is getting another partner, before you blow out your present partner. That is what has to stop. As long as you don't get engaged or married you will be OK, if you can break off the relationships prior to hooking up with another. I don't think you have a sexual addiction, you just don't seem to be able to commit to anything long term, and when something comes into your relationship you don't like you use that as an excuse to start having sex with another, and then make that person your new partner. You should get yourself into IC, with a good counselor, and find out why you are doing this.

[fakobako]

thorton: yes i can relate to a lot that you are saying. sounds like the same situation that i get myself into besides i do have my own life. im very busy with work and thats what drives my boyfriends nuts. im friends with some of their friends, but usually hangout with mine. im not dependant on them in any way, financially or anything. but im trying to stop, trying to search for something that will make me stop. i do need therapy though, i know that. it will help me to get someones opinion on my life and see what direction it needs to go.

 

to the people who have suggested i stay single for a little while. ive tried that, not gonna happen for too long. i get bored way too easily.

[fakobako]

i am totally intrigued by you

 

 

 

thanks, just my thoughts on it

[fakobako]

You my non-friend, are lower than dirt in my book.

 

 

 

you, my non friend, have prob been cheated on a lot, so i ubderstand your hate. buttt, dont take ur hate out on me.

[Woggle]

I understand you get bored when you are single but until you work your issues out you should try to keep from dragging innocent people into your issues. I am not saying this to trash you but at this point being in relationships is not the right idea for you.

[harmfulsweetz]

I can't believe how harsh people are. She came on here for help, for advice, and people just set about passing judgement, hows about we burn her at the stake next? She's admitting fault, like so many have on here, that doesn't mean everyone must mill around and judge her. Heads out of backsides please!

 

I would say you may need to obviously limit the time you spend around men, only spending time when absolutely necessary and not alone. Try and keep the flame burning in the current relationship, bring in tricks to spice things up. Ask yourself what it is about when you cheat that is giving you the thrill-when I kissed someone else, it was the newness, the butterflies etc. And try to inject some of that into your current relationship.

 

I would seek professional advice-you may have a sex addiction (that sounds bad but it's just an idea) or you just may need to work on committment issues etc.

[harmfulsweetz]

or maybe you need to spend some time out of relationships, just being you, and finding out what makes you tick. Self discovery is amazing, and everyone should allow themselves the time to do so. Not everyone can be in a relationship, and stay faithful. Some can, just not all. It's often a sign that you aren't yet ready for the full commitment-date around openly, work out what you want, or spend some time on your own working on it.

[nvntr007]

Wow! Thornton, for a 20-something kid, you are one put together human being. When you find Mr. Right, he's gonna be one lucky sob.