Repeating the same thing with every relationship

[fakobako]

Ever since I was about 19 years old, I'm 27 now, I have cheated on every single person I've been in a relationship with. I've had about 5 serious relationships since I was 19, and it happens everytime. Granted, I've never been caught, sometimes I wish I could be. It's almost like I've become too good at it and it becomes fun, but not anymore.

The first time I did it was just the thrill and I wanted to get away from my ex cause he was too controling, so I cheated on him twice. Than I met my 2nd boyfriend and was with him for about 2+ years. Cheated on him about a year into it, and than again about 6 months after that. Than the 3rd boyfriend, was with him for a total of about 3 years, but I met him while I was still with 2nd, and waited till I knew I had the 3rd to break it off with 2nd, and than it started. I've done that in every relationship after that. Waited to break up with the guy till I know I've got another waiting for me.

With the 4th boyfriend, I wasn't broken up with the 3rd completley, but he had moved to another state and I knew it would end eventually. Than with the 4th, we were together for about a year, than I started getting bored and found another guy. Waited till I knew, and than broke up with the 4th and started the 5th. Was with him for about 6 months and than he just started to annoying me. I had been talking to my 4th for awhile and we decided to start seeing eachother again, while I was still with my 5th. He knew I was still with him but didn't care and waited.

So finally I broke it off with 5th and went back to 4th. Well, we've been seeing eachother for about another year now, and I'm starting it again. I've found someone else, he's great and gives me what 4th doesn't plus some. I havn't broken up with him yet cause I'm not even sure I want to. We never fight or anything, were good to eachother but he is the most unemotional man I've ever met and never wants to live together, get married or have kids. He's 8 years older than me.

Do I need professional help? Cause I'm really starting to think that. I don't know if it's just because I get bored or what. It happens every single time and I'm sick of it, but it's like I can't help it. I don't want to keep doing this to these guys. And than if I do decide to stay with 4th, I don't want to do this to him again, but I don't know how to fix it. Some people have told me that I need to stay single for awhile. Tried that, and I just drank way more and and had too much casual sex. So that wasn't good and I like being in a relationship.

So give me your advice, I know it probrably won't be too nice, but it's ok

[utterer of lies]

 

...Serial Cheater...

 

 

It's your life. If cheating makes you unhappy, go to a therapist and stop. If you can't or don't want to live in monogamy, try to find a partner where you can life an open relationship. Sex outside the R is only cheating if it involves betrayal and break of trust.

[Bryanp]

I think you need to ask yourself how would you feel if your boyfriends were doing to you what you have been doing to them? Actions define a person. I am sure you do not wish to go through life with a broken moral compass. It sounds like to me that you cheat to justify breaking up with your boyfriends. The mature thing would be to break up with your boyfriends first.

 

I also think that cheating eventually permeates your entire life. You want to feel good about yourself. If you are disrespectful to other people then you are really being disrespectful to yourself as well. Ask yourself if you would wish to eventually marry a man who always cheated on his previous girlfriends and was so good at it he never got caught. Would you really wish to marry a person like this? You are a captain of your ship. You have the power to make the right choices. I wish you luck.

[fakobako]

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be cheated on and that's something thats never happened to me, to my knowledge. Yes, it would hurt me and I wouldn't want to do that to someone else. But I don't know why I keep doing it, it's almost like if the opportunity knocks, I always open the door. I'm wanting to stop thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side, cause it never is. I think I really do need a professional to talk to. But they'll prob tell me I'm a horrible person, which I am and I know it. But am wanting to change and find someone that I'll respect so much I won't do it to.

[utterer of lies]

Yeah, I wouldn't want to be cheated on and that's something thats never happened to me, to my knowledge. Yes, it would hurt me and I wouldn't want to do that to someone else. But I don't know why I keep doing it, it's almost like if the opportunity knocks, I always open the door. I'm wanting to stop thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side, cause it never is. I think I really do need a professional to talk to. But they'll prob tell me I'm a horrible person, which I am and I know it. But am wanting to change and find someone that I'll respect so much I won't do it to.

 

A professional therapist won't tell you that you are a horrible person. He or she is hired by you to help you, and not to pass judgement.

[Javelin]

He is the most unemotional man I've ever met and never wants to live together, get married or have kids. He's 8 years older than me.

 

I can't believe you had the audacity to write this statement. After all that you've said...

 

Do I need professional help? Cause I'm really starting to think that. I don't know if it's just because I get bored or what. It happens every single time and I'm sick of it, but it's like I can't help it. I don't want to keep doing this to these guys. And than if I do decide to stay with 4th, I don't want to do this to him again, but I don't know how to fix it. Some people have told me that I need to stay single for awhile. Tried that, and I just drank way more and and had too much casual sex. So that wasn't good and I like being in a relationship.

So give me your advice, I know it probrably won't be too nice, but it's ok

 

No amount of professional help will change your core and it seems to me that your actions are just who you are. You simply, cannot be trusted as a friend or companion. I would not be surprised if none of your friends trust their boyfriends around you/

 

Honestly? That's okay, but not at the cost of another person's life.

 

If you truly want to change then you'll have to do it on your own and stop using people for your own selfish satisfaction! Take your friend's advice and leave guys alone and until you are ready to commit. If you can never commit, then stop dating! You are not relationship material right now and let me tell you, what goes around, comes around and it won't be long before someone does this to you, if you keep it up.

[DunnoWhat]

I'll tell you why you can't stop cheating. Its because you're a selfish person. You only care about no 1. So sometimes when you want a thrill you cheat. You have low standards too.

 

Let me tell you something about selfish people. They always get whats coming to them. You've a miserable life coming if you don't change.

 

You can be 100% in control of your life if you intend to be. Raise your standards and focus your energies on more positive things.

[RedDevil66]

wow, some of you are super harsh

 

This person is admitting their issues and asking for help. PEOPLE CAN CHANGE and can get better.

 

 

Fak, a therapist will NOT think you're a horrilbe person because you're not doing this b/c you're horrible, but because you have emotional issues.

 

Some people drink, do drugs or shop, you need to fill your void with a constant need for acceptance and a thrill.

 

Please see a therapist because life is SO SO hard living this way.

[Hkizzle]

Yeah some of you people are terrible. This is not the first thread I've read where someone comes out for help, admits they cheat and want advice and you guys basically lynch them.

 

You know for centuries they used to have mobs that lynched criminals, and burnt perceived witches alive. I think you people are the same types. So before you judge other people, JUDGE YOURSELVES. (yeah I'm aware I'm judging you in the process haha, but just need to get the message across)

 

But then the people that love to judge others generally don't think there's anything wrong with themselves.

 

Anyway, back to the OP. Interesting you say you can't help cheating. I wrote a thread a while back about how cheating is biological. You're probably more prone to cheating and just unable to settle down with one person.

 

The thing is you clearly don't want to do it now, but can't seem to stop it. So it's similar to an addictive behavior. I've had many additctions in my life. Take smoking for example, for a long time I didn't want to do it but couldn't stop.

 

Going to a professional for help isn't a magic pill, I think at best they will teach you strategies on how to be less likely to cheat. But you got to do the work.

 

1) Don't associate with other men so much once you're in a relationship. Nothing beyond what's needed for work for example.

 

2) Focus on the good things in your relationship and why you care about your partner on a weekly if not daily basis.

 

3) Don't put yourself in situations where you could easily lose control. Say going for drinks with a guy friend one on one.

[DunnoWhat]

People replied to try and help the girl. It only sounds harsh because the truth is harsh.

 

Anyway, back to the OP. Interesting you say you can't help cheating. I wrote a thread a while back about how cheating is biological. You're probably more prone to cheating and just unable to settle down with one person.

 

I don't know where you read that but I do know its a load of BS. It excuses bad behaviour. Cheating ins't the least bit biological. People cheat depending on whats on their mind. If they were brought up to respect people and themselves and had not seen much cheating themselves it wouldn't enter their thoughts.

 

These days cheating is much more widespread due to the modern media.

[utterer of lies]

I don't know where you read that but I do know its a load of BS. It excuses bad behaviour. Cheating ins't the least bit biological. People cheat depending on whats on their mind. If they were brought up to respect people and themselves and had not seen much cheating themselves it wouldn't enter their thoughts.

 

These days cheating is much more widespread due to the modern media.

 

How utterly uninformed and naive.

[fakobako]

i understand why people are being harsh, im not doing a good thing. i know that i can be a selfish person and sometimes only think about my happiness.

i think for me i just get bored in some relationships after about a year and i look for something new, but dont want to completly let go of that person just yet.

but than in some relationships, the guy starts to become an a-hole, not giving me the emotional part of the relationship that i need and things are just going bad, so i start looking around and emotionally remove myself from the relationship. so when i do that, my mind leads me to believe that im already out of that relationship and free to do what i please, even if i havnt broken up with them.

i do feel that some people who despise people who are admitted cheaters are more prone to react to them in a negative way cause theyve either been burnt by someone who has cheated on them or theyre big religious hypocritical people. I am not a big religious person, so sometimes i feel like im not doing anything wrong since im not married to them.

and than theres also the double standard that i hate between men and women. my parents think i date like a guy and say that if i had been born a guy, they would have no problem in the ways a date. i think thats unfair. i hear it from my friends too, which i will admit 95% of my friends are guys, i do not hangout with girls, maybe thats part of my problem. but my guy friends say theres no problem cause they feel the same way, when theyre done with a girl, they will prob start looking before theyre even broken up with her. and no, my guy friends are no losers, they are very smart successful men. if any of you like to read relationship books, go out and get the manual by steve santigatti, great book and he backs up almost everything that i do, im just a girl doing it and not a guy.

but still, with that said, i want to stop being this way, its getting old and i hate lying, because yes to whoever said that my friends prob dont trust me, i am a very trusted person with my family and friends.

[fakobako]

oh, and about the whole karma bullcrap and what goes around comes around. i do not believe in it.

when someone believes in it, and something bad happens to them, they get all pissy and say "oh youll get yours, what goes around comes around!!"

okeyyyyy, so why did something bad happen to you than? if youre so good in this little "karma" filled world, why did something bad happen to you?

well, since you believe in this karma bullcrap, it must be something bad that you did coming back to you. or that just doesnt happen to you, only bad things happen to you and everyone else will get theirs, youve never done anything wrong. everyones out to get you and you dont deserve anything bad happening to you.

dumb dumb dumb. karma is a stupid way to try and get people to be nice to eachother, and than when something bad happens to them, they have something to say to that person and try to get their revenge on them through "karma". OOooooo your so bad.

like i said, dumb dumb dumb. just another way for those stupid liberal hippys to make money in those retarded new age stores.

[DunnoWhat]

How utterly uninformed and naive.

 

Nope I'm interested in how the mind works and know basically that you are what you think about. Its nothing to do with genes. You'll notice these days that bad behavioural problems is being blamed more and more on genes and people are taking more and more drugs to sort out their problems when the problem lies with their thoughts.

[DunnoWhat]

oh, and about the whole karma bullcrap and what goes around comes around. i do not believe in it.

when someone believes in it, and something bad happens to them, they get all pissy and say "oh youll get yours, what goes around comes around!!"

okeyyyyy, so why did something bad happen to you than? if youre so good in this little "karma" filled world, why did something bad happen to you?

well, since you believe in this karma bullcrap, it must be something bad that you did coming back to you. or that just doesnt happen to you, only bad things happen to you and everyone else will get theirs, youve never done anything wrong. everyones out to get you and you dont deserve anything bad happening to you.

dumb dumb dumb. karma is a stupid way to try and get people to be nice to eachother, and than when something bad happens to them, they have something to say to that person and try to get their revenge on them through "karma". OOooooo your so bad.

like i said, dumb dumb dumb. just another way for those stupid liberal hippys to make money in those retarded new age stores.

 

There is truth to it. Like I said peoples lives are a result of their thoughts. You seem to attract bad relationships so thats your karma. You can change it though.

[fakobako]

i guess you could say that i might have the cheating gene in me, which kinda sucks cause i do want to stop.

and about the karma, no, its bullcrap. its just some way for people to justify something after theyve been wronged. bad things happen to everyone, not cause they deserve it, but because they just happen. youre saying that if a girl gets raped its her karma cause she did something wrong to someone else. no, bullcrap. you have to look at it both ways. karma just doesnt happen to people who are truely bad people, it would have to be the same for everyone. so again. dumb dumb dumb

[Brady_to_Moss]

i guess you could say that i might have the cheating gene in me, which kinda sucks cause i do want to stop.

 

 

Cheating gene? Please elaborate... There are genes that can make people cheat? Stop making excuses.

 

And no you dont want to stop. Its not that hard. Its not a drug, well to you it is. If you wanted to stop...you would just stop.

[RedDevil66]

Cheating gene? Please elaborate... There are genes that can make people cheat? Stop making excuses.

 

And no you dont want to stop. Its not that hard. Its not a drug, well to you it is. If you wanted to stop...you would just stop.

 

I totally disagree. Addictions are vices created by circumstance to numb the pain.

Sex, drugs, booze cheating, shopping etc are all vices.

It's not easy to stop a habit. This is something created in her mind in the belief that this is her "survival"

 

I wanted to stop smoking b/c it was disgusting and gross and killng me, I tried for YRS, and when I finally was ready, I stopped.

Places like AA were created because addictions cannot JUST be stopped!

 

Her cheating is an addiction to ease her pain............easy enough!

[MWC_LifeBeginsAt40]

You have an addition to the feeling of a new relationship. When it wears off, you want that feeling back, and you find it with someone else. This in itself is an addiction that can be fixed.

 

The other problem is avoiding the negative of ending the first relationship. What is it you fear about ending one relationship before starting another one? Being alone? Feeling bad about it?

 

As far as it being in your genes, or keeping it up because of past behavior (once a cheater...) this is not true. You can start taking control of your life and stop using your past as the reason you cheat.

 

Find something else in your life that makes you happy, and that makes you who you are, whether it's a hobby, volunteering, a sport... Once you find this, do not let any man change this part of your life. This is what you need to hang onto to get that "feeling" instead of relying on new relationships. I am working my way towards this these days.

 

Look up "love addiction" and you may find some helfpul articles. good luck and don't let the meanies on here get to you!

[whimsical_memory]

Fak, first I commend you for posting and having the strength to admit your faults. You are still young and finding your way in this world. You say that you want to quit cheating and I am proud of you for feeling that way, because it shows that you know what you're doing is wrong.

 

I would suggest that when you get involved in a relationship that you reduce the amount that you are exposed to men (single or attached..if they are ALONE, stay away) when you are alone and feeling vulnerable. Just as an alcoholic needs to stay away from alcohol, you will need to stay away from men as much as possible.

 

Please do not let the other posters stop you from coming here and seeking support. They really do mean well (most of the time), but it is so difficult to get the true meaning behind someone's words when you cannot hear their tone of their voice.

[Hkizzle]

Nope I'm interested in how the mind works and know basically that you are what you think about. Its nothing to do with genes. You'll notice these days that bad behavioural problems is being blamed more and more on genes and people are taking more and more drugs to sort out their problems when the problem lies with their thoughts.

 

These days bad behavioral problems are blamed more and more on genes because now neuroscience, biology and psychology are much more developed disciplines and we know what drives human beings more than before.

 

People behaving badly as a result of say mass media is a theory more pushed by the sociology camp and is not very accurate.

 

The reason is this.

 

Cheating is actually not encouraged. Cheating is definitely frowned upon, just look at how you people try to burn someone at the stake when they say they've cheated. Yet people cheat anyway.

 

Why do they do that?

 

Look at it another way. Why do people take drugs if they know it's bad for them? Why do people eat too much when they want to lose weight?

 

There are two thought processes that go on. A conscious higher reasoning and a primal drive process which is biological. You can see this clearly in a person that's going on a diet. Their higher thought process wants to eat less and lose weight, whilst their body is sending out hunger signals and driving them to eat even if they don't want to.

 

I am not condoning cheating. I am simply saying cheating is a primal animal drive. That's not saying it's good, it's not meant to be an exuse or justifying it. That's just an accurate representation of facts. Science doesn't aim to get the politically correct answer, it tries to get the most correct answer.

 

If you don't except it exists because we are part animal then you don't understand basic psychology, and yes, I understand the arguement that we're human and better than animals.

 

But really...........just turn on the news and look at how a large percentage of humans can't control themselves from cheating to stealing to killing each other.

 

When Katrina hit, all it took was cops to lose control of New Orleans for 24 hours and there was raping and killing going on. Most humans don't want to think we're a few steps away from being like animals and they therefore create arguements against why we are animals. But to think that all humans have complete control over themselves is totally naive. Our animal side beats our higher reasoning side often.

 

There's a struggle between biology and morality, that's why they invented the word.........Willpower....

[RedDevil66]

These days bad behavioral problems are blamed more and more on genes because now neuroscience, biology and psychology are much more developed disciplines and we know what drives human beings more than before.

 

People behaving badly as a result of say mass media is a theory more pushed by the sociology camp and is not very accurate.

 

The reason is this.

 

Cheating is actually not encouraged. Cheating is definitely frowned upon, just look at how you people try to burn someone at the stake when they say they've cheated. Yet people cheat anyway.

 

Why do they do that?

 

Look at it another way. Why do people take drugs if they know it's bad for them? Why do people eat too much when they want to lose weight?

 

There are two thought processes that go on. A conscious higher reasoning and a primal drive process which is biological. You can see this clearly in a person that's going on a diet. Their higher thought process wants to eat less and lose weight, whilst their body is sending out hunger signals and driving them to eat even if they don't want to.

 

I am not condoning cheating. I am simply saying cheating is a primal animal drive. That's not saying it's good, it's not meant to be an exuse or justifying it. That's just an accurate representation of facts. Science doesn't aim to get the politically correct answer, it tries to get the most correct answer.

 

If you don't except it exists because we are part animal then you don't understand basic psychology, and yes, I understand the arguement that we're human and better than animals.

 

But really...........just turn on the news and look at how a large percentage of humans can't control themselves from cheating to stealing to killing each other.

 

When Katrina hit, all it took was cops to lose control of New Orleans for 24 hours and there was raping and killing going on. Most humans don't want to think we're a few steps away from being like animals and they therefore create arguements against why we are animals. But to think that all humans have complete control over themselves is totally naive. Our animal side beats our higher reasoning side often.

 

There's a struggle between biology and morality, that's why they invented the word.........Willpower....

 

This is a fantastic reply and I agree with everything except where you said humans are better than animals.

The only difference between a dog and a human is we have ego. And our ego destroys, so actually, "animal" is way more superior than human in that, they are not destructive.

 

But again, LOVE this reply.

[MrFun]

i guess you could say that i might have the cheating gene in me, which kinda sucks cause i do want to stop.

 

I wouldn't worry about it. Some people just won't have long-term intimate relationships, while others will. Maybe the next time you'll meet your perfect match and have a life-long relationship and stop.

 

Personally, I've been involved in cheaters in the past. Turns out, those people have cheated on me too. I just think it's just different core values and principles. Some are the cheating type, other aren't. Some men don't care if their gfs cheat, others do.

 

One the other hand, I just read about a guy that chopped off his ex-gfs head and walked down High Street with it because she cheated.

 

Since cheating is a betrayal of trust, a lie and a violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of an intimate relationship, and can cause major distress to the other person (as other emotional abuse can), be aware of other people that might seek vindication.

 

Just a thought.

[Hkizzle]

This is a fantastic reply and I agree with everything except where you said humans are better than animals.

The only difference between a dog and a human is we have ego. And our ego destroys, so actually, "animal" is way more superior than human in that, they are not destructive.

 

But again, LOVE this reply.

 

Well I think we're still better. Say the computer in the movie terminator. It's the most advanced right? Then it blow everything up.......More advanced means it's also capable of more destruction.

 

Thus, you better program the computer/humans in the right way.

 

Morality is all about suppressing animal nature and driving us to do the right things.

 

I'm not a priest nor a monk, but humans need the right type of programming to suppress their nature.

[RedDevil66]

Well I think we're still better. Say the computer in the movie terminator. It's the most advanced right? Then it blow everything up.......More advanced means it's also capable of more destruction.

 

Thus, you better program the computer/humans in the right way.

 

Morality is all about suppressing animal nature and driving us to do the right things.

 

I'm not a priest nor a monk, but humans need the right type of programming to suppress their nature.

 

I'm not sure I'm following you here.