R2Briscoe Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Hi all, Long time reader, first time poster here. I’ll try to make my story short and sweet. I had been with this girl for three years. I am 24, she is 22. We were engaged and living together for the last year of our relationship. Things were awesome, we loved the hell out of each other, all that good stuff you read here all the time. About August last year, she got a new job and started to change. She became distant, would start fights with me, and was generally starting to keep to herself. I could notice the change, but figured it was just the ups and downs of a relationship. Unfortunately, I couldn’t have been more wrong, and right before Thanksgiving of last year, she decided to end things and move out. Needless to say, I was crushed. It was by far the worst thing to ever happen to me. I did all the things they say not to do: begged, pleaded, cried, promised to change, even took the blame for any and all problems in our relationship. None of it worked. She moved in with her friend for a few weeks, before finally finding her own apartment across town. I continued the begging for about two weeks, but seeing as how I was getting nowhere, I finally gave up. We went NC for about five weeks. After New Year’s, she contacted me saying she didn’t want things to be bad between us, and we should try to be friends. Foolishly seeing this as a way to possibly get her back, I went for it. Until she started dating a man from work. At this point, I couldn’t take it, and went NC again. This lasted until March. Apparently, things weren’t going great with the new guy and she reached out to me again. Again, I went for it. I think that during this time, she needed me around to try and see if she had made a mistake. Me, being the prideful person I am, decided that if she wanted me, she could have me, but only if she was 1000% sure and there was nobody else involved. She was still dealing with the new guy, so I went NC again. This lasted about two months. During this bout of NC, I heard through mutual friends that moved in with the guy, but with another friend and as more of a “roommates” thing than a “relationship” thing. At this point, I thought I would never hear from her again. Wrong. About one month ago, she sent me a text asking if I was still making my yearly trip to visit my parents. I said yes, why does it matter? She replied with “I had a dream that you were hurt in an accident on the way there, and wanted to make sure you were ok.” I didn’t believe her, so I didn’t reply. The next day, she texted me again. “Are you ignoring me? OK, I didn’t have a dream, I just needed a reason to talk to you. I miss you like nothing I’ve ever missed before. I have everything I could ever want in my life, but I’m still not happy. You were the only thing to ever complete me, and I’m so sorry I screwed everything up. I’m such an idiot.” At this point, I responded. We made small text talk for about a day. Feeling that she was trying to work her way into being friends again, I brought up the breakup to see how serious she was. Maybe this was a mistake, but I poured my heart out. I described to her how she literally crushed my soul. How that when she quickly entered a rebound relationship instead of giving us another chance, I didn’t want to wake up in the mornings for a month. She apologized profusely, over and over. She then took the blame for the end of the relationship. All the things she told me during the breakup (hot it as my fault, how she didn’t love me anymore) were all lies to “allow her to disconnect more easily.” She told me how her life was a mess. How she had started drinking almost every night. How the new guy could never compare to me. How leaving was the biggest mistake of her life. All of this made me feel somewhat vindicated. But at the same time, I sill love her like crazy and felt terrible that she was going through all this. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to want to take things further for one reason: she was still living in the apartment with the guy. She claimed that she was sick of him, that “he is an ******* and I hate him, we just try to stay out of each other’s way.” That was all good and well, but really. Am I gonna start a reconciliation with this woman when going home to sleep in the same building as another man she slept with during our breakup? I’d be driving myself nuts. I know she is hard up for money and can’t move to a new place just like that. So this is how I left things: “I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but I still love you with all my heart and soul. Beneath all this, I still believe that the girl I fell madly in love with is still there. Having said that, I cant have any sort of relationship while you are still living there, and while you are having these problems in your life. You know I want nothing more than to be the one to help you through all this. But under the circumstances, I just can’t. You need to get your life together, no matter how long that takes. That is the important thing. Whether I’m still around when you do that or not, I don’t know. But don’t be afraid to come looking when you’re ready.” She replied with: “OK, I understand. I realize I have to get everything together. Its hard, but I have to do it. I think about you all the time, and you’re always in my heart. When I work everything out, you will be the one I call. I love you, talk to you later.” This was all about five weeks ago. Since then, my mind has been running nonstop. Does she mean everything she said? Is she only saying this cause the new guy screwed her over somehow? Or does she really realize I’m the one she wants and that she made a mistake? Was this her attempt to reconcile, and I blew it? I know I shouldn’t be waiting for her, and that I should be moving on, but my gut tells me not to give up on her. I have tried dating other girls, both before and after all her admissions from five weeks ago. But the more I am with them, the more I miss my ex. It’s all very confusing. Any women out there have any opinions on her state of mind? Obviously, she is confused. Any guys ever experienced something like this? Any help/opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening.
Mustain2234 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Here's how I see it: 1. I guarantee the new job changed her perspective on life. She probably began to believe she's too young to be engaged, grew cold feet, and thereafter started to question you as her life partner. 2. You shouldn't have done the whole beg, plead, whine act; but atleast you now know it doesn't work. No matter what the future holds between you two, don't resort to those actions again. 3. I've done the whole "being friends with an ex with hopes of getting back together" act too, and as others say, it only helps the dumper move on. What you're currently doing with her is the correct move. Let her sort through her problems in her life first. Whether that means finding another guy or fixing her financial situation you don't know, but you can't let her know you'll be there every step along the way. Or that you'll be waiting there for her. Even if you know personally you will be waiting, you can't give her that impression. 4. There's one glaring problem with your current approach -- personally, I wouldn't have wrote how much I loved her and cared for her. I believe you know deep down you shouldn't have either, because you prefaced it with "I probably shouldn't tell you this." It would have been more effective if it was removed. In the future, avoid it. You're never going to know her true intentions without asking, but I'd advise against it. I believe it's a very simple idea -- if she wants you , she'll let you know. And it wont be any of this high school bull**** of giving you a small hint and expecting you to put together the pieces. Especially in your case. It takes a lot of balls to break up with someone during an engagement. If she had the courage to break your heart, she'll certainly have the courage to do more than send you vague texts if reconciliation is her goal. Really, I know how you feel. I miss my ex, and with every girl I'm with after it doesn't change. It hurts knowing you feel something so strong for someone and they don't feel the same. What I finally would say is, let her be the first to contact you. She even said she would talk to you later. Who knows, maybe you're racing through her mind as well? If she truly has problems to address, then let her get through them. You keeping tabs isn't going to do anything but hurt yourself and your chances of getting back together.
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