Should I call him, fingers on fire dying to(short version)

[HopelesslyDvtd2Him]

Hey just realized my last thread op was too lengthy so heres a short recent version (if you want some background on the story check out the longer version):Recently, three months ago my ex was released from prison for running from probation and selling drugs when he returned home and hes since been placed on probation. Id taken care of him while he was in, money on his books, visits, letters, you name it, even funded his lawyer with his family. He promised while in that he was done with the woman hed left me for and moved to another state with while I was pregnant with his baby. (Before he went in, one private DNA test had already been done proving she was his at his request). The other girl he left me for is also in prison (she got picked up for running from her p.o. also) and shes "supposedly" pregnant with his baby. I didnt find that out til now. Anyways, in jail he promises to take care of baby, sign her b. certificate and be with me when he gets out while Im taking care of him.

 

He gets out. Spends one night with me and baby. When I try to contact him 2 days after that he threatens a restraining order and tells me he can be a daddy to our baby if I realize everything in jail was just an act, realize he had to survive, and his true love is the other woman whose still in prison. I tell him Im not in the business of stalking and while Ill never forgive him for using me, all I care about now is you being there for your daughter. He says give me time, ill call you about her. 3 weeks go by, no call. A month after those 3 weeks, I file support and paternity suit, DNA results came back in 2 wks that shes his now they are in process of getting his name on certificate. His last response to this was a text 3 weeks ago telling me the exact words: This court sh*t cant hurt me, Im still me, good luck to you and YOUR baby ha ha lol. I havent heard from him since, but have seen him in passing.

 

But I really want to cl him and try to avoid all this court stuff and even try and get some answers as to why he would do this to us, turn his back on his own blood (twice proven) after everything I did for him even after he used me and left me for someone else? And why is he willing to care for her child and not mine? Do you think I should cl and if I do what should I say?

[Thomas X Forever]

Hey just realized my last thread op was too lengthy so heres a short recent version (if you want some background on the story check out the longer version):Recently, three months ago my ex was released from prison for running from probation and selling drugs when he returned home and hes since been placed on probation. Id taken care of him while he was in, money on his books, visits, letters, you name it, even funded his lawyer with his family. He promised while in that he was done with the woman hed left me for and moved to another state with while I was pregnant with his baby. (Before he went in, one private DNA test had already been done proving she was his at his request). The other girl he left me for is also in prison (she got picked up for running from her p.o. also) and shes "supposedly" pregnant with his baby. I didnt find that out til now. Anyways, in jail he promises to take care of baby, sign her b. certificate and be with me when he gets out while Im taking care of him.

 

 

This paragraph is your answer. IF you seriously are considering calling him, like if you seriously are despite this all, I'd HONESTLY tell you to put down the phone, and bang your head off the wall a few times til you forget what a number is.

 

Seriously, I'm so sick of emotionally abused women running back like ****ing dogs to their master. Open your eyes for God's sake. For your childs sake. Probation? DNA tests? Prison? Cheating? What is this, the Maury show? For crying out loud, is this topic SERIOUS?

[moo]

I don't think your other OP was too long. I think it spelled out your story in detail. I responded to the other version.

 

anyway, stay strong.

[HopelesslyDvtd2Him]

Probation? DNA tests? Prison? Cheating? What is this, the Maury show? For crying out loud, is this topic SERIOUS?

 

Sorry if my post angered you Thomas, believe me, I know how it must sound to those lucky enough to be strong enough not to even dream of getting caught up in all this and trust me when I say I know how it all must sound, but I assure you it is serious and very real and my heart very broken. It even seems like something out of some crazy book to me at times because ive NEVER dealt with anything like this before. I have one other child and her father and me didnt work but we are best friends now and he takes excellent care of his daughter, never asked for tests, none of that crazy stuff, but when my ex asked for that it was him trying to get a way out, the only reason I agreed to it is b/c I found it to be so ridiculous that he'd even ask, and I didnt want him to have the excuse he was looking for. The only reason I even think of contacting him is because he wasnt this person when I first met him, and he was doing great at leaving the small stuff alone, it was my first time dealing with anyone and even small drug addiction, or addiction period so when it blew up into all this, its just been tough. I just keep feeling like if we talk about it we can find some resolution for him to be there for his child and find a reason to come away from all that. But hes said to me the other child on the way is the only strength he needs and I guess I have to admit it does make me look very weak but I just dont get, what is it about her child that makes him willingly want to be there, and not be there for the one in a stable home, with a safe environment and positive road to the future. Not that he should abandon the other child by ANY means but why is it ok for him to abandon mine. Or maybe like you said for my childs sake, I need to beat my head and count it a blessing in disguise.

[moo]

What you have to understand is that he doesn't want a clean, safe enviornment. He wants to dig in the mud with the rest of the pigs and this woman who is the same provides the perfect enviornment. He does not want someone who is good and stable. He wants somone who is a messed up as he is. I dont' think it has to do with your child. I think it has to do with the fact that he is a arse and needs to be around another arse to feel better. This arse, this woman just so happens to be having his baby.

 

The next man you pick should not be doing any drugs. I dated a man who did drugs. I did not find out until after we started to get to know each other. He was a pot head. He worshiped pot. When I was in the hospital he was downtown smoking pot. Addicts put drugs before everything.

[Thomas X Forever]

what is it about her child that makes him willingly want to be there, and not be there for the one in a stable home, with a safe environment and positive road to the future.

 

 

He's not interested in this. Don't you see his track record? Prison, drama, crime, instability, turmoil... THAT'S normal to him. Positivity, love, a stable life... this is horrifying, abnormal, etc. to him...

 

I only feel bad for YOU. Screw him. Well, no, I feel bad for the child, too.

[hoping2heal]

You say you want an answer to how he could turn his back on you and his blood? He already gave you an answer. He was FAKING, he CONNED you the entire time. Why? He said that too : He needed to SURVIVE. He needed someone to foot the bill for his lawyer and all of his expenses. You played your role perfectly as his pawn, but you didn't mean a thing to him outside of that. Don't be so surprised, this man wasn't in prison or on parole for being an upstanding citizen. He uses what he has to con others and get his needs met. You were nothing more than a means to an end for him. The fact that he got a daughter out of it, is an inconvinience to him but that's all.He doesn't look at her as "his blood".

 

 

You can't force another person to want to be in your life or your child's life. There is no REASON for you to call him, he doesn't want YOU he doesn't want YOUR CHILD. You were used and no amount of talking, negotiating, denial, etc. will change that. Right now you need to get your mind off of this guy and do what's right by your daughter. You were conned, you understand? You were had by a con artist. You weren't loved, you didn't have a real relationship. You were conned. It was all an act on his behalf, and apparently he pegged you well because it worked. You did everything you were supposed to do in the execution of his con.

 

Do not call him. If anything, I would suggest maybe getting some counselling to help you process and come to terms of acceptance with what you have been through. Capeche?

[moo]

I think A LOT OF US here in this forum were conned in one way or another. Maybe, not in a situation as serious as the OP (with some exceptions), but I think a lot of us were conned!

[hoping2heal]

I think A LOT OF US here in this forum were conned in one way or another. Maybe, not in a situation as serious as the OP (with some exceptions), but I think a lot of us were conned!

 

No, I think a lot of us have been fooled or mistreated. But this woman was conned in the full sense. It's important not to confuse the two moo because in her case, she's under the impression she was in a relationship gone wrong. That is not the case. She was in a situation where another person intentionally used her as a means to an end. That's different than dating someone who mistreats us or is selfish. They still date us with the intention of romance. That isn't the case here. I understand the feeling of being "duped" , "conned" I do, but it isn't quite the same thing. It's important to seperate the two so she doesn't get confused back into thinking she was in a relationship, she wasn't.

[HopelesslyDvtd2Him]

I feel like in the beginning the first five months I was indeed in a relationship because I never paid for anything, he was a gentleman, only time we disagreed is if he wanted to smoke marijuana I told him not in my house, and hed have to go somewhere else or simply go home. We traveled even overseas to meet his family and they dont take kindly to black people in the city in Palestine he lives in and he wanted their acceptance of me. They'd never met any of his other girlfriends and the last one he dated before me was way wealthier than I was. He spent all the money in the relationship, he courted me took me out, bought me gifts, even cried when i tried to leave him for smoking weed, so Im sorry but I know I was in a relationship with him in the beginning but it is when I showed him that he could use me after the stronger drugs hed been introduced to took him on as a new person while I was still loving the old one that I was being conned and no longer in a romantic relationship but a business deal. I help him, he promises to make good on being there for the kid and cleaning up to be with me. End of story. Believe me for me to go all out for him like I did, the man that I fell in love with had to be nothing like the man he became when I first met him otherwise if hed always been this man theres no way i wouldve held on pregnant or not. But you are right about one thing I cant force him to do nothing, I stuck around waiting for the man I loved to come back, he's gone and I do need to accept that, but I have days where I wonder like any other human being, I hurt and thats why I posted here. Im not upset at your response, I posted on a public forum so Im respectful of all responses but I refuse to believe this man never ever loved me when I know he did. My mistake was believing he was still that person after he had clearly changed and became comfortable with his new persona.

[moo]

I understand your point, hoping2heal.

[moo]

HopelesslyDvtd2Him, I guess the thing to do now is just to heal and move forward with your sweet baby. Enjoy motherhood!

[hoping2heal]

I feel like in the beginning the first five months I was indeed in a relationship because I never paid for anything, he was a gentleman, only time we disagreed is if he wanted to smoke marijuana I told him not in my house, and hed have to go somewhere else or simply go home. We traveled even overseas to meet his family and they dont take kindly to black people in the city in Palestine he lives in and he wanted their acceptance of me. They'd never met any of his other girlfriends and the last one he dated before me was way wealthier than I was. He spent all the money in the relationship, he courted me took me out, bought me gifts, even cried when i tried to leave him for smoking weed, so Im sorry but I know I was in a relationship with him in the beginning but it is when I showed him that he could use me after the stronger drugs hed been introduced to took him on as a new person while I was still loving the old one that I was being conned and no longer in a romantic relationship but a business deal. I help him, he promises to make good on being there for the kid and cleaning up to be with me. End of story. Believe me for me to go all out for him like I did, the man that I fell in love with had to be nothing like the man he became when I first met him otherwise if hed always been this man theres no way i wouldve held on pregnant or not. But you are right about one thing I cant force him to do nothing, I stuck around waiting for the man I loved to come back, he's gone and I do need to accept that, but I have days where I wonder like any other human being, I hurt and thats why I posted here. Im not upset at your response, I posted on a public forum so Im respectful of all responses but I refuse to believe this man never ever loved me when I know he did. My mistake was believing he was still that person after he had clearly changed and became comfortable with his new persona.

 

Do you think some counselling would be helpful to you right now?

[HopelesslyDvtd2Him]

As for do i need counseling, I dont know since you seem to be the doctor, you tell me. But doesnt matter cuz I called him and we are talking things out so no more advice is needed and no I do not. You were not there so you do not know the nature of what the relationship was or is other than what ive posted. I think its best for me to seek out my own judgment rather than go to a website for advice, you never know what something can be til you try and im going to try. thanks for your advice.

[moo]

You sound bitter and I can understand that. But we really are all trying to help you. Your are right, we were not there, but still, we were trying to help you. Go luck with your decision. I really, really think you should stay away from him. Please don't trust what he says. I think therapy would be really good, whether or not you decide to work things out with him. A lot of us are in therapy here. Therapy can really help.

 

If you need us in the future we will be here for you. Good luck.

[moo]

I understand that being told you did not have a relationship was upsetting to you when you felt that you did. Maybe you did in the beginning. Only you know for sure. But the point was not to upset you. She was trying to help you. Again, please stay away from him. We care about you.