OW needs coping strategies with MM!

[brainyblonde]

I am an OW! I have been having an affair with a MM for almost 3 years. For 2 of those years, I was married also (I'm now divorced). The arrangement worked perfectly whilst we were both married, as neither of us wanted to rock the security/lifestyle that our marriages offered. Also, we didn't want to cause any pain to our children.

 

During both our marriages, the MM's marriage was rockier than mine, and seemed (as it still does!) on the verge of ending.

 

Since I have become single (my ex had an affair, and left me for her, so I have had a taste of karma!), I have wanted more from my MM, and want to spend the rest of my life with him.

 

In typical MM style, he has told me he wants to leave, has set deadlines of when he'll be with me. However, when it comes to the deadlines, he can't leave (kids/wife/scared of the future, etc), and I end up 'on the floor' emotionally unable to control my tears, unable to work, unable to talk/think about anything else apart from why he doesn't want to be with me.

 

I have discovered through my contact with his W (usually verbal yelling/threats from her down the phone, then hang up!), and things that he has said that she takes on the role of bully in the marriage, and he, the role of victim. She does not think I'm an OW, but a landlady, who would offer her H a room, should they split!!

 

Everytime he broaches the subject of leaving, she does something dramatic. The last time she tried to stab him!! She poisons the kids by saying that if he leaves, he will never see them again. And the type of lady she is, I know she would be an expert in coersing them to believe their father is a bad man.

 

They sleep in separate rooms (1yr+), have no intimacy (2yrs+), don't eat together, wash clothes separately, don't go on holidays/days out, socialise separately.

 

The atmosphere in his house is either frosty or argumentative.

 

He is increasingly suffering from minor ailments, picking up bugs, and is very tired all the time.

 

he feels that staying in a marriage with two unhappy parents under the same roof is better for the children than two new blended families.

 

my kids really like this man, and my son wants him to be his stepfather.

 

i love this man, masses, and i have tried to 'dump' him many times (what is the point of a relationship with an attached man), but after an hour of dumping, i'm heartbroken, and back on the phone! I simply cannot live without him in my life.

 

my questions are:

 

if he says things are so bad, why won't he leave?

 

how can i move on from him, if i cling to false (maybe) hope that he will leave? (he keeps telling me he will)

 

how can i stop making...when are you leaving?....the sole topic of conversation i want to have with him?

 

when everyone tells me to leave him, and find someone else, why aren't i?

 

I am an intelligent woman, who can attract fellas, so why am i sticking with this one?

 

I have a million and one more questions, but let's see what results I get from these!

 

PS ask me q's as I have spoken with the W (although not met), I would dearly love her to find out what's happening under her nose, as I think it would bring things to a head, once and for all, but have resisted.

 

i'm not asking for judgemental remarks, i'm aware that society perceives affairs as wrong, but i'm in this mess, i need some help in learning how to cope with it please.

[jj33]

Some people say things are bad to keep you hanging on. he lies remember? So he tells you what he thinks you want to hear.

 

You are hanging on, why shouldnt his W? After all he married her. So telling her isnt the answer. at least 80% of the time the MM throws the OW under the bus when the OW finds out, or puts the A on hold until the W is calm again. So that is not a strategy.

 

The bottom line is this guy wont leave until HE wants to. And HE DOESNT WANT TO. Or he would have left.

 

You can see where you really stand with him by walking away. You win either way. Either you move on and heal eventually or he sees that he cant have it both and he is forced to make a choice. While you are there he has it all. Why should he leave?

[Reggie]

Sounds like you may have self esteem and boundary issues. You can get therapy to help you deal with these problems. As long as you are willing to be second choice and do not respect marriage vows, you will have problems in today's society.

[2sure]

It sounds like his wife has the ability to Make Him Stay . Like you said - she is the bully, he is the victim.

 

Is there some way you can make him do what you want?

He seems easily persuaded to do what is easiest on him.

Make it harder for him to stay than to leave.

[NoIDidn't]

The folly of introducing a MM to ones' children. Your son wants MM to be his stepfather? Okay, no pressure, huh?

 

You've already spoken to his W and he still hasn't left. You're convinced that they are sleeping in separate rooms, they might be - I know of many that do, but he still hasn't left. You are admittedly waiting for him to make a move, and HE STILL HASN'T LEFT.

 

I don't know what to tell you. His getting bugs could very well be coming from the pressure of trying to please two women and pleasing no one in the process.

 

Maybe its time for a graceful exit and to stop hoping to be as lucky as the OW your H left you for? IDK <shrugs shoulders>

[brainyblonde]

ideas please 2sure? thanks for all the words of wisdom so far!

[Confused4Now]

Sounds like my ex-wife.... I have to say when I was in my situation. My ex scared the crap out of me. Meaning I wouldn't past her to stab me...she really scared me to death. Her words and actions was so abusive I was really scared!!! Till finally I had enough......and got to a point where I didn't even care to live anymore. I even went to the kitchen and gave her the knife and said go right ahead I'm so done with this marriage. I didn't even care to live. But I had ENOUGH to leave. It also took me a book by Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" to realize I was living in very toxic and abusive marriage. Please give him the book....once you open your eyes to abuse.

 

He'll get out. If it is indeed abuse he is scared to death.....been there myself.

[jwi71]

if he says things are so bad, why won't he leave?

Who says they are "so bad"? your MM? I trust, based on your screen name you see the inherent conflict of interest...

 

how can i move on from him, if i cling to false (maybe) hope that he will leave? (he keeps telling me he will)

You mean how can you move forward in your life while still having your affair with him? That's simple...end the affair. Hard for him to manipulate you if you aren't around...

 

how can i stop making...when are you leaving?....the sole topic of conversation i want to have with him?

A few ways. Obviously, he grows a pair and actually files for divorce and moves out. Of course, leaving him is another way. A third option is to accept he will NOT leave and simply be the OW (is accept the status quo). You could try and force the situation and spill your guts to the wife...that certainly get "something" moving...

 

when everyone tells me to leave him, and find someone else, why aren't i?

You love the idea of him. You are addicted to the fantasy of him being your hubby...and you have vested some much time and energy into this affair...you keep telling yourself "I cant walk away after all this time". Its like waiting for the bus...at some point it either arrives or you stop waiting...but stop telling yourself "5 more minutes"...do it enough times and its been a day...or a lifetime.

 

I am an intelligent woman, who can attract fellas, so why am i sticking with this one?

Your addicted to him...he's a like a drug. To follow up from my above...you have expeneded so much time and energy...you're afraid to walk now in case that one extra day "seals the deal". Its a bus that will likely NEVER arrive...stop waiting for it. Stop defining YOUR life in terms of HIM.

 

 

PS ask me q's as I have spoken with the W (although not met), I would dearly love her to find out what's happening under her nose, as I think it would bring things to a head, once and for all, but have resisted.

Why do you suppose he lies to his W about the true nature of who you are? Does his family (brothers, sisters, parents) know who you are? Have you met them? HAve you met his closest friends and confidants?

[Mr. Lucky]

They sleep in separate rooms (1yr+), have no intimacy (2yrs+)

I'm going to assume he's lied to both you and his W about other things, so why would you choose to believe this?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gamine]

Two people who look for emotional and psychological 'completeness' from partners outside of their marriage is a nuclear explosion waiting to happen. Essentially, that is what you already had with your ex, now you seek to begin a new 'permanent' relationship with another guy cut from the same cloth. It is impossible to sustain a long term committed relationship with a partner who uses cheating as a problem solving skill. Ultimately, one will always be searching. You have to do a fast forward and realize that you are madly in love with Mr. Perfect who is also incapable of pleasing a spouse. Fine, so the two of you get together. Now what? Oh yeah, then reality sets in and now you are back to square one looking inside for ways to make this relationship work... and turning to someone else as an answer... and him doing the same thing.

 

Don't you find it the least bit enlightening that you and your ex were both cheating at the same time? Is there any wonder that your marriage failed if both parties do precisely the same things... find someone new... when their current partner isn't delivering the goods? You don't want to find yourself looking back at a series of marriages and relationships all ending one right after the next for the same reasons.

 

This guy represents nothing but pain. Pain if you get him. Pain if you don't. You are better off cutting your losses, getting some professional help, and leaving him to his own devices.

 

Fix what is inside of you so that you are equipped to sustain a happy marriage and run... do not walk... away from a man who promises you the same thing you have with your ex.

 

If you want to know who someone is... look to who they have been. If you want to know how someone will treat you... look to how they have treated someone else. For heaven's sake... he has a woman so pissed off at him that she won't sleep with him, yells at him all of the time, etc... Now, think rationally. Do you think (really) that a woman, no matter how dysfunctional, would 'bully' this poor baby for no reason at all... you've been a wife... think. The answer would probably be no... she had reason.

 

Do your life a favor and look before you leap. This man may or may not ever leave his wife... because frankly, he may be what is known as a Tow Dipper. His 'deal' works for him with you because of her presence in his life. She's part of the equation. Read up on this... it is enlightening stuff.

[GreenEyedLady]

In typical MM style, he has told me he wants to leave, has set deadlines of when he'll be with me. However, when it comes to the deadlines, he can't leave (kids/wife/scared of the future, etc), and I end up 'on the floor' emotionally unable to control my tears, unable to work, unable to talk/think about anything else apart from why he doesn't want to be with me.

 

They sleep in separate rooms (1yr+), have no intimacy (2yrs+), don't eat together, wash clothes separately, don't go on holidays/days out, socialise separately.

 

he feels that staying in a marriage with two unhappy parents under the same roof is better for the children than two new blended families.

 

i love this man, masses, and i have tried to 'dump' him many times (what is the point of a relationship with an attached man), but after an hour of dumping, i'm heartbroken, and back on the phone! I simply cannot live without him in my life.

 

my questions are:

 

if he says things are so bad, why won't he leave?

 

how can i move on from him, if i cling to false (maybe) hope that he will leave? (he keeps telling me he will)

 

how can i stop making...when are you leaving?....the sole topic of conversation i want to have with him?

 

when everyone tells me to leave him, and find someone else, why aren't i?

 

I am an intelligent woman, who can attract fellas, so why am i sticking with this one?

 

I have a million and one more questions, but let's see what results I get from these!

 

PS ask me q's as I have spoken with the W (although not met), I would dearly love her to find out what's happening under her nose, as I think it would bring things to a head, once and for all, but have resisted.

 

i'm not asking for judgemental remarks, i'm aware that society perceives affairs as wrong, but i'm in this mess, i need some help in learning how to cope with it please.

 

Ok, let's look at everything you've written: you changed the rules when you went and got D. Now you want him to leave his W, since you're alone now. Suddenly his little cushy set-up, isn't so cushy. He tells you what YOU think you want to hear to keep you from dating other men. Cuz you are single and that's what you SHOULD be doing.

 

He breaks his shell of a promise, you have an emotional breakdown. It's not that he doesn't want to be with you, HE WANTS BOTH OF YOU, and you're messing up his little fantasy.

 

It doesn't matter what they do or don't do together. They're still married on paper and that's the married that COUNTS.

 

You cannot change his belief that children should stay in an environment with two unhappy parents. If he believes this, then he is the one who has to come around to a different way of thinking and there's nothing you can do to change that.

 

You stay because you get something out of the R. Only you know what that is. And I'm sure now he doesn't believe you when you break up with him because you're back together within an hour. Seriously, if you're going NC then do the NC. It doesn't work the way it should if you don't believe in it.

 

And you can live without him. You lived without him before and you'll live without again.

 

Why doesn't he leave? He is getting something out of the M. That's why. Remember you got D because your H left you for another woman. Would you have D if your H hadn't made the choice for you?

 

How do you move on? First you need to heal from your first M. You need to get busy and start living! YOU ARE SINGLE NOW! You have the whole world at your fingertips. You don't need all this drama right now. It's hard to be single at first after a D, I know I've been divorced before.

 

Start going out with friends, leave the A drama behind. Start dating. It will drive MM nuts.

 

You consciously stop making him leaving the topic and FOCUS ON YOUR R with him. Ask yourself, is he really someone I want to be with in the future? Has he changed at all during the course of your R? Because it doesn't sound like it and you will see it. If he hasn't changed, he will simply cheat on you too, if he ever did leave. You are focusing too much on the W, leave her out of it. It's not about her. It's about him.

 

I think you don't leave because you are afraid. You are divorced now. You don't want to end up empty-handed. You want this A to mean something. You want to be successful in it.

 

And whatever you do, don't tell the W. It's not your place and it will HURT your chances. You will have betrayed him. The only reason to do it would be if you want to end it forever. And I don't think that there are very many R's that end well for the OW when the W has a d-day. It puts the W on the offensive.

 

GEL

[me003]

.

 

And you can live without him. You lived without him before and you'll live without again.

 

GEL

 

GEL, I loved this... You hit it right on...

[Devil Inside]

I'm a MM that recently had his OW end it because I couldn't leave. I really repect her for her strength. I am also now in a position to make a decision about my marriage based on me, my wife, and children, not my OW. If and when I am availible I have the possibility of a future with my OW.

 

I think you need to end it with your MM. Tell him when he is availible then you can talk. Until he realizes that you are really gone he will not ever commit either way. trust me, I've been where he is at.