HopelesslyDvtd2Him Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 ((THIS IS LONG, but worth the read if you want 2 help a helpless lass )) Hi. Im new to this site and just had to join you awesome people () and share my story...I dated a man for 5 months and thought things were going perfect. I was the first woman he'd EVER taken to his mother's house and the first they ever truly wanted to meet and liked, me and his mother became b/f/f and I even traveled with him to meet other members of his family in two different u.s. states and overseas. (He is Palestinian so the fact they accepted me was a big "to do") Anywho so sounds all good right? But then out of the blue he told me he needed to "move on" to make a long story short he'd met another woman. Now while things were all good we did have our problems like he smoked marijuana and popped some pills but only sometimes but I did not like it...well the woman he left me for did that and even harder drugs. So he'd found his "yes" woman and left the " you can do better " woman. I was crushed and this other girl had just got out of prison for dealing and using and he'd left me for "that". 3 weeks after he left found out Im one month pregnant. I told him and he thought I was lying (I gave him that cuz some women do that sometimes) so I told him promise me when I cl you that Im giving birth you will come. He did but still didnt believe. He moved to TX with this woman running from their probation officers (didnt find out he was even on probation til hed left town and his p.o. contacted me looking for him) and they lived homeless and on drugs stealing from her fam and friends to get by and he would cl me and beg for money for a place to stay or food. Me and his family begged him to come home and leave her alone that they needed and loved him and his mom told him she'd been to dr. appts with me that I was in fact pregnant but he told all of us even me carrying his child that he loved her. Even her friends and fam out there cld me and his fam begging us to get him away from her cuz she needs to get gone and shes ruining him. But, me being an idiot I didnt want him on the streets, I would get him a room on my credit card by phone and Id put money on the room service for him to order food (I DARED NOT SEND HIM CASH! at least I was that smart) and therefore him and this "girl" had a place to sleep but it wasnt for her it was for him. Anyways that went on my entire pregnancy. The month of my scheduled c section I cld him to tell him Im about to give birth he promises to be there but asked me for aid, cash this time, Western Union, i told him no and hung up in his face, he cld bk and left a msg telling me that him and his girl just wanted to see if Id be dumb enough to send them money so he could take her out on the town (she was laughing in the background). I wanted to just disappear. Well, I had the baby and two days later I get a call from him telling me that finally they broke up (or so I thought) and he needed to get home. Reluctantly, me and his family went halfsies and bought his ticket online for Greyhound, but only under the terms he was really done with that girl, he said yes. I got a cl one hr after I cld Greyhound to confirm hed left from one of the girl's friends in TX telling me they conned me shes on the same bus with him. I ignore this warning. He came back to our home town washed up and unrecognizable. He was dirty, had no bags with him and desperate to eat and cigarettes, but he was alone. I took him to eat, bought him cigs and told him take time and rest and when youre ready you can see our baby girl. Long story short (Im trying:rolleyes:), the next night, we all met up for dinner at his parents house, he wouldnt hold the baby and he was texting on his phone the whole time. When he left the phone on the table to go to the bathroom his mom looked at it, he was talking to HER, hed lied to us that she was still in TX. Needless to say,they were still together. While his mother confronted him about the texts, I grabbed our daughter(only nearly a month old then) and left crying. Anyway the next morning he text me asking for money to get an apartment and he wanted to fix up a room for our daughter. I told him he was a con artist and to ask his new b***h. 3 hrs later I get a cl from jail, its HIM! Him and the girl went on a run to sell drugs to try and get the money that hed unsuccessfully tried to con from me hours prior to their arrest & they both got slapped with probation holds (no bond) for running and for new charges. He cld me the whole time he was in jail, and wrote me begging me for us to work it out and he sees now that other chick was nothing but trouble, he wants to be a good daddy. Soon I began putting money on my phone, his books, and visiting. He was seeing his daughter, talking to her on the phone, writing her love letters and me too. He seemed reformed. I paid for his attorney to try and get him out of there. He'd promised change and I believed him. Until... I got a cl from an inmate/friend of my ex's in prison that Id given his wife my number so she can talk to him for free 3 way. He told me you are so nice letting me check on my kids and wife that I have to let you know your man is lying to you. Him and the other girl were writing each other while in prison and she was pregnant! I confronted my ex bout it and he told me the man was lying. So anyway we go to court after him serving 5 months and he gets out but one day before he does I ask him to sign baby's birth cert. and he refuses. Tells me wait til I get out I wanna hold her while I do it. I believe him again. He gets out. The same night we make love and he plays with our daughter and goes home (to his parents). The next day I call him and he threatens a restraining order! Im like WHAT! He says I can be there for my lil girl but you need to realize everything was just acting when I was in jail, i had to survive, that the other chick was his true love and if I dont try and get with him he'll be daddy to our baby! I hung up. I couldnt believe it. Anyways, 3 weeks go by no calls from him about our daughter, finally I call. He tells me he only has ONE child, the one on the way with the chick who is still in prison to this day. Shes having it this month. So since then Ive filed a paternity suit to get his name on the b.cert that he wouldnt sign and I won, he was proven to be the father by DNA, and her last name will be his, now Im going after support. He text me 3 weeks ago these exact words: This court sh*t isnt going to hurt me, Im still me, so good luck to you and YOUR baby ha ha lol. I havent heard from him since but we live on same street and see each other in passing everyday, he doesnt wave, nothing. I want to call him for some reason. I just want to know why did he decieve me like this? How can he turn his back on his little girl, his firstborn, after its been proven in by DNA that shes his? After everything I went through I want answers better than dont know wht to tell you, it was a show I had to survive! Should I cl him and what should I say? Im so lost.
moo Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 My Gosh! Okay, let me say this. You are a lovely, sweet, caring, wonderful woman. He is a terrible, lying, piece of trash. As sweet as you are, you have to realize that you let this man take advantage of you again and again. The best thing you can do is to be a strong woman for your baby girl. She needs to grow up knowing that people can't treat others like that and be given an unlimited amount of chances. Can you move off that street? I think it's best if you stay away from him. If he wants to be a father, then you have to consider that if he is in his right mind, off of drugs and away from people who do drugs, then maybe she should have a chance to get to know her father, if he is not going to reject her. At that point, you should consult a lawyer, but right now, he wants nothing to do with you and your baby, so I think you should move away at least to another street and give yourself some peace. You are wonderful for wanting to help someone like him...but you have to turn all of that love you have for him toward yourself. He is disgusting and doesn't deserve you or your daughter. Be strong and hang in there. I don't think you should initiate contact at all. But...hmm...I think if you move you might have to tell him where you are moving to because he may hold that against you with the courts if he suddenly decides he wants to know where his daughter is....hmmm so maybe if you do move you should get some legal advice before doing so. Am I babbling? sorrry.
Author HopelesslyDvtd2Him Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Thank you moo for your response, honestly I know it sounds crazy that I want to get in touch with him in the first place but I guess its just because I dont see how someone could just turn their back on their one child to raise another as if the first doesnt exist. Its just hard to accept, and I keep thinking maybe somehow we can come away from all of this and come together for our child but I just dont see how that is. I forgot to mention in also in my story that his parents were threatened by him that if they continue a relationship with me he would just leave and go back to what he was doing and out of fear hed run again they now only cl to check on baby every now and then when before they were checking on her daily. Its just hard to comprehend. But youre right calling him prob wouldnt solve anything, on his end anyway.
moo Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I understand. One of the reasons why I kept calling my ex after he so cruely, cruely left me was because I kept telling myself "there has to be more...there has to be more to the story because he would not do this to me, I dont' understand, how could he do this to me after all we have been through, he has to answer my questions so I will feel better, he has to apologize, he has to take responsibility for the hurt he caused me, etc., etc., etc." In the end, I only ended up feeling worse by his lack of remorse, his cold and condescending responses and the times he ignored me. I guess you need to tell yourself, "whatever the reason is, he did this to me. This shows me what kind of person he is. He's sick. He's a mental case." and then try to stay away from him.
headlesschicken Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 what a terrible situation. you need to understand, truly understand, that you are nothing to this man but money and a way to feed his addiction. all the love you have for him is for a man who does not exist anymore---that man is lost under his addiction. any money you give him will go to his addiction. you are NOT helping by giving him money or second chances---you are only allowing him to keep using, keep running, keep lying to you. be strong for yoruself and your baby. if and when he cleans up and comes back to be a father is up to him. focus on what you can do, which is giving your baby a good home, and let the father go. it's for the best.
Author HopelesslyDvtd2Him Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 what a terrible situation. you need to understand, truly understand, that you are nothing to this man but money and a way to feed his addiction. all the love you have for him is for a man who does not exist anymore---that man is lost under his addiction. any money you give him will go to his addiction. you are NOT helping by giving him money or second chances---you are only allowing him to keep using, keep running, keep lying to you. be strong for yoruself and your baby. if and when he cleans up and comes back to be a father is up to him. focus on what you can do, which is giving your baby a good home, and let the father go. it's for the best. Alot of what you said here I also need to keep telling myself because from what Ive seen in passing since hes been out he's right back hanging around the same old crowd that him and her had before he went into jail and its possible he could end up right back in and if I did cl him now even if it is just about our daughter he would probably only see that as a signal he could use me if he went back into prison. I keep being scared that if I dont try to fix things now he will forget her in the future (but of course my friends joke that how can he forget when he will be having to pay c.sup each month or gettin in trouble for not paying, theirs his reminder right there) but like you said it is up to him. I want to try and talk it out but I know the smart part of me, the good mom part of me wont allow me to, I guess thats why Im venting here for reassurance but its hard not to b/c I want answers. Also to the last text he sent me stating "good luck to you and your baby ha ha lol" I never responded since then, and didnt text or cl back that day, do you think I sent a positive message in my case that he cant get to me (even thought it did) and its a small step to show him im empowering myself to moving on and he cant use me anymore. They say silence is deafening. I hope in this case its true.
headlesschicken Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 your silence will help you, and help him realize that you are not someone who can be played around with to suit his needs. the best thing for your child right now (and this might sound harsh but i think it's true) is to keep him away from her. there is no good to be had by letting an active addict blow through and hurt her mother. he will not forget her trust me. he will be haunted by the fact that he has a child he doesn't care for---under his addiciton----and he won't be able to care for her unless and until he gets clean and comes back to her OF HIS OWN VOLITION. nothing you can do or say will help him get to that point so it is better to take care of what you can which is you and your daughter. remember three things about addiction: you didnt cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. only he can.
moo Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 keeping away from him may help him get his act together, but do it for YOU. Make sure your silence is for YOU. As I said, he likes being down in the mud. Let him roll around in the mud where he is happy. Stay up here with the rest of us on dry land. Stay strong. NO more men that do drugs and no more bombaclots.
sandy12345678993 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I have a 3 year old son with a guy. He has at last count 5 children in 3 or 4 different states. He's into drugs and crime. He went to jail for a few years for stealing a car. He doesn't work, except on these stupid stunt motorcycles. He's constantly getting money, living off of STUPID girls who don't see him for who he is. Nobody sees money or anything from him. He lied to me about being married and having a child. He actually had 3 children when I met him. He's only seen my child once. He did not hold him. He doesn't speak to me. I don't want to speak to him. I don't even know what the proper word would be to describe him. He's a no-good worthless piece of waste. But it took me a good 2 1/2 years to see him for what he is. I understand where you're coming from. I have been there, and it hurts like absolute hell. He's not the person you thought he was. He is an addict and a liar and a manipulator and a con artist. He used you and he's only going to do it again. He'll do anything, say anything to fuel his addiction. He is not someone you want around a small child. I know how it hurts to have him reject his own child. Maybe in the future IF he gets clean and sober and can be a respectable citizen again and a responsible father, then there might be a chance for him to have a relationship with his daughter. DO NOT CALL HIM. DO NOT SEE HIM. DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY. I'm sorry you have to go through this. But be strong for you and your daughter.
moo Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Sandy, she wrote this in another thread. She's going to talk with him. As for do i need counseling, I dont know since you seem to be the doctor, you tell me. But doesnt matter cuz I called him and we are talking things out so no more advice is needed and no I do not. You were not there so you do not know the nature of what the relationship was or is other than what ive posted. I think its best for me to seek out my own judgment rather than go to a website for advice, you never know what something can be til you try and im going to try. thanks for your advice.
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