Mimsicles Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 My boyfriend of 2 and a half years, had been distant with my for a while. I brought up the subject last night and asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He said he "did not know". After quite a lot of talking he said that he didn't think he wanted to. Obviously i was devastated but i stayed and we talked. He said he didn't want to split up but wanted a break. I asked him how long and he could not answer me. He keeps texting saying he loves me and misses me and i feel the same. I cannot imagine my life without him! He was never an emotional person but he cried as i left! He has agreed to meet up in 2 weeks to talk about things??? What do you think is going on?? What should i do??
hoping2heal Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Do you think he feels guilty for something. If he does, it would explain the distant behavior that is not onset by lack of his feelings for you. He cried as you left, he keeps texting to express his feelings for you, but he's been distant and suggests a break. I don't know what, but I'm putting my money on it that this guy did something and feels guilty for it. Maybe he lied, maybe he cheated, I don't know. But this sounds a lot like guilt to me.
love_fool Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 My bf was like that. The reason for him, was that he's confused with his life and doesn't know what he wants to do for his future, also regarding our relationship. But everyone's different, so I think the best way to get the truth would be to sit down and talk to him. Tell him to spill, after all, you are his girlfriend. Make sure to make him feel comfortable, and let him know you'll be there to listen. There has to be a reason, and it's not fair to you to get a plain, "I don't know"
utterer of lies Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 My boyfriend of 2 and a half years, had been distant with my for a while. I brought up the subject last night and asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He said he "did not know". After quite a lot of talking he said that he didn't think he wanted to. Obviously i was devastated but i stayed and we talked. He said he didn't want to split up but wanted a break. I asked him how long and he could not answer me. He keeps texting saying he loves me and misses me and i feel the same. I cannot imagine my life without him! He was never an emotional person but he cried as i left! He has agreed to meet up in 2 weeks to talk about things??? What do you think is going on?? What should i do?? He needs time to find out if it works out with other girl. If not, he'll be back with you for the time being.
Author Mimsicles Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 I honestly believe him when he says there is no one else, he's had the opportunity to admit it, but deep down I know he wouldn't. We have agreed to meet up later and talk, so hopefully we will straighten things out!! I am 100% sure that men speak a completly different language to females!!
Taucher Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Sorry to use this thread to vent my feelings and be bitter and all. But how dare he? How dare any of the dumpers. Look, I think it is fine to dump, really I do, but people are just so self obsessed. He owes it to you to explain and make himself clear on the issue. What does he want? He just decides that it is not quite up to scratch...and wants to give up. People want everything to be PERFECT and will just give up so easily. My ex-gf was the same. She will always be the same. She might find someone else, but that person will NEVER be perfect for her. No one will. People dont want to work at things like they used to. I genuinely believe that if the lvoe was there at some point, it can always be there. It just needs work. Grrr. So sorry you are going through this. I dont know WHAT he means. I struggle to understand it. But if you two never get back together, maybe it will be for the best. Take care. T
Author Mimsicles Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Ok so we met up last night and I told him how I felt and how i was very confused about the whole situation. His answer was that he wanted 2 weeks to see if he misses me and that i shoud text him. I am obiviously not going to text. I will have no contact with him for the next 2 weeks then hopefully he will miss me more! Don't want to get my hopes up that we'll get back together only to have them shattered. This is so hard!!
hopefulguy Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 the saying that "life isnt fair" is true sometimes. sometimes certain circumstances cause lovers not to be together. maybe he truly does love you, but there are people that do break up with people they love. just try your best to do no contact. he wont miss you as much if you're still there to talk to.
norajane Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 His answer was that he wanted 2 weeks to see if he misses me Sounds like he's gotten too comfortable in the relationship, and is wondering if he's still in love with you because the "excitement" isn't there. He thinks if he's away from you for a couple of weeks, absence will make the heart grow fonder. Or out of sight, out of mind. Depending on which it is, he'll either come back or break up for good. I swear, people have come to expect 24/7 excitement in a relationship. It's not like that! In any case, he's too sure of you. He knows that you love him, want to be with him, and aren't going anywhere, so the thrill of the chase is gone. He's no longer trying to win you over because he "has" you. No challenge. You are right not to contact him AT ALL during these two weeks. In fact, you should tell him, "You got me thinking, and you're right. I'm not sure if this relationship is working for me either. I'll be giving that some more thought the next couple of weeks and see how I feel about it later." Or, if you don't have another conversation with him before the two weeks starts, when he comes back, tell him, "you know, I'm not sure I want to see you anymore. I don't want to be in a relationship with a guy I can't rely on. I need more time to think about it." Basically, throw it back at him. Because you really DON'T want a guy who's not all-in, right? Wishy washy guys just drain your self-esteem and make you feel anxious (which makes you think you really want them). Maybe he needs to be less sure that you want a guy like him, and more anxious that he might actually lose you if he doesn't get his head out of his ass.
9Lives Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I went thru this and the sad part is HE KEPT DOING IT. I keep being there when he came back bcause I loved him. I wouldnt trust him "emotionally". One thing is for sure He is not completely happy being with you and he is trying to figure out why. I think you should give him the space and at the same time start puttin your best foot forward. Get your emotions under control and maybe let him know you might start dating again cause you dont know if you can trust him with your heart since he is so wishy washy. This crap can go on for a long time. You got to be strong. Look out for you. That is what he is doing. It is a test
ab30 Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 I think Taucher's venting post is actually very true. There's this whole expectation that relationships are about being 'perfect' and having that spark. When that goes, which it always does, then some people see this as a sign of a bad relationship and bolt. They don't appreciate that, like everything in life, you have to work at it. Nobody seems to want to do that (well not everybody but a large number now) I can see relationships for what they are and I understand how the spark goes but what you are left with is something far more important - love, comfort, security. To keep the zing going, you need to find ways of doing things to maintain that but it won't just stay the same. To the OP. Personally, i'd not text but would if it looks like it's causing more problems. Ignoring someone isn't always the key. This NC rule on here is dished out too heavily and isn't the right move in all situations. It sounds like he is doing what a number of others are and that's freaking out and misunderstanding what you both have. It doesn't make him a bad person but perhaps he needs a bit of guidance. Let him do his thing for now and then see where you are at afterwards. I really hope it works out for you and hopefully, unlike me who's in a similar boat, your guy will learn the 2 and half years is a long time to quit over a normal process.
alphamale Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 What do you think is going on?? there is an internal struggle going on between his heart and his head What should i do?? nothing
allina Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 My ex did that to me. Broke up with me, cried and told me how crushed he was. I just sat there like WTF? Let your bf have his space, don't text him back, show him what life will be like without you. If he comes to his senses, great, you can work things out. But don't sit there waiting on him to decide if he wants to stay together, break up or keep you on hold.
alphamale Posted September 7, 2009 Posted September 7, 2009 My ex did that to me. Broke up with me, cried and told me how crushed he was. I just sat there like WTF? if a man is crying and a funeral isn't going on then he's shedding crocodile tears
allina Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 if a man is crying and a funeral isn't going on then he's shedding crocodile tears Oh. Well either way it just made the situation uncomfortable. I was sad that he was breaking up with me but I accepted it and was calm, I wasn't going to cry about it or try to change his mind. I've heard about guys doing this a lot. If you want to break up, fine. But why cry as you leave?
seoa Posted September 8, 2009 Posted September 8, 2009 It's possible I might be seeing commitment-phobia in everyone because it's what I've been through, but then it's a relatively new thing (last coupla generations), because it's often triggered by parental divorce, and because it's just too easy these days to throw away one relationship knowing that you can try another. Read some of the CP threads on here, get hold of the "He's Scared, She's Scared" and "Getting to Commitment" books (same author)... If that's him, then your only solution is for him to admit that he's got this phobia (and it's fear on a similar level to agoraphobia or fear-of-flying or something) and want to do something to fix it... Otherwise, he will continue to not commit... Not commit to the relationship, and not commit to ending it... Which will leave you in limbo.
harmfulsweetz Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Don't do anything at all. Don't text him, phone him etc. He has to come to you. It is possible for people to want their own space to work things through, but if you aren't prepared to do it, don't. Don't settle if you aren't going to be happy. I've done this, (been the dumper, then we went on a break and afterwards, we were fine.) But I understand it doesn't always happen this way. Some things can't be fixed with time and distance, and just because he cried, doesn't mean it's right for you. I bet he was hurt too, I cry every time I've broken off with someone. It hurts like hell. From someone whose done the 'break thing' set a time limit, play it by your rules too, don't allow him to dictate all of this, and the most important thing, prepare to be hurt at the end, be ready to cut your losses, deal with this as a break up, not just a 'period of abscence.'
harmfulsweetz Posted September 12, 2009 Posted September 12, 2009 Sorry to use this thread to vent my feelings and be bitter and all. But how dare he? How dare any of the dumpers. Look, I think it is fine to dump, really I do, but people are just so self obsessed. He owes it to you to explain and make himself clear on the issue. What does he want? He just decides that it is not quite up to scratch...and wants to give up. People want everything to be PERFECT and will just give up so easily. My ex-gf was the same. She will always be the same. She might find someone else, but that person will NEVER be perfect for her. No one will. People dont want to work at things like they used to. I genuinely believe that if the lvoe was there at some point, it can always be there. It just needs work. Grrr. So sorry you are going through this. I dont know WHAT he means. I struggle to understand it. But if you two never get back together, maybe it will be for the best. Take care. T But love isn't everything, right? You can be totally in love with a person, and they still not be right for you? Some issues can't be resolved with love and sticky tape.
Taucher Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 But love isn't everything, right? You can be totally in love with a person, and they still not be right for you? Some issues can't be resolved with love and sticky tape. When I wrote what I wrote, I was a bit angry and cynical. Everyone who has been dumped feels like that at times don't they? And I agree, love is not everything. But if there is love there, then it SHOULD balance out some small issues. People can fall in love with idiots and those people are still idiots. Nothing can really be done about that. What I mean is that there seems to be not much tolerance for the inevitable rocky patches that almost all relationships go through. People bail too quickly sometimes, I think. T
pandagirl Posted September 13, 2009 Posted September 13, 2009 Why dump someone you love? -Scared -Afraid of failure -Afraid of rejection -Incompatible -Feels unworthy of love -Doesn't want to be in relationship with anyone -Doesn't want to be in a relationship with YOU It could be anything. True, abiding love can only occur between two emotionally healthy individuals, who are willing and able to give love and accept it in return.
harmfulsweetz Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 When I wrote what I wrote, I was a bit angry and cynical. Everyone who has been dumped feels like that at times don't they? And I agree, love is not everything. But if there is love there, then it SHOULD balance out some small issues. People can fall in love with idiots and those people are still idiots. Nothing can really be done about that. What I mean is that there seems to be not much tolerance for the inevitable rocky patches that almost all relationships go through. People bail too quickly sometimes, I think. T Agreed. There are so many reasons why people should work on a relationship if the love is still there, and if it can be worked on. Bailing isn't often the answer, figuring out how to overcome these patches is.
Angel1111 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 When a man says he doesn't know how he feels about you, you need to walk away. You should be with someone who loves you completely and doesn't question it; a man who knows what he wants for his future and doesn't question it. I know this is really hard but the truth is marriage and relationships are hard enough when you love someone wholeheatedly, much less when you have doubts. He has doubts. I did this to my husband before I married him - told him that I wasn't sure he was the right person for me. I felt really, really bad for hurting him and it hurt to break the tie with him. He knew this and talked me into staying. I'm not blaming him because I shouldn't have gone through with it. Regardless, we were married 6 yrs and I left him. Don't kid yourself, these issues that rear their ugly heads at the beginning of relationships do not suddenly go away. If he decides at the end of the two weeks that he loves you after all, you need to get some very clear answers from him about why he needed to get away. You have to find out what it is that's bugging him and until he gets clear about it, you need to tread very carefully with him because you're on dangerous ground.
RedDevil66 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 By BF of 4 yrs is doing this to me right now. We are in our mid 40's, he struggling with recovery from addiction. We went to couples therapy last week where I confronted him with the fact that I went into his email and found some things that were disturbing. He agreed to go back to couples therapy, but we had a horrible fight after therapy and he didn't want to speak to me Over the 4 yrs, I've left him many times due to his actions and behaviors. One time I left, he went to sleep with someone else. But each time I left, he was hurt enough to go run and try to quench his sadness in trying to find another women like HOURS after I left. BUT NOW, he's not sure he wants to be with me or have a relationship. Though he emails and calls me daily, he's just not sure. Now here's the thing with me, not sure if he's doing this as payback or if he really wants out. When men need a break, most of the time it's because they met another women. Sad, but true!
Angel1111 Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 It's possible to love someone but not like them. This causes HUGE problems because it makes breaking up very, very difficult. It's not likely that a relationship like this will survive.
mimiminx Posted September 24, 2009 Posted September 24, 2009 Agreed. There are so many reasons why people should work on a relationship if the love is still there, and if it can be worked on. Bailing isn't often the answer, figuring out how to overcome these patches is. I feel the same way! My ex? and I still love eachother very much and still have strong feelings for eachother romantically, I'm more than willing to work on the issues we had it, he's withholding. But I do think people who really love eachother and want to be together shouldn't bail on the relationship. Bailing is not the answer. Sometimes time and distance can help you see more clearly, and get your head on straight, get the emotions in check, work on yourselves so you can be stronger individually, but also sometimes time and distance can tear you apart. That's the true test of love I think: "Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great".
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