chrissi Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Sorry, I know this is a long post, but any input anyone has would be greatly appreciated... My boyfriend and I have been living together for about 9 months and he's a Facebook addict! He's on it every night and has to keep checking his page and other peoples pages...posting things and chatting and sending private messages...several times a night. I recently got on Facebook to just to see what all the fuss is about...and he seemed wary. He said he would only be my "friend" (being able to see his wall and his friends) if I didn't question him about anything I saw on his page. Well, I noticed that he has a lot of female friends...from all over the country and he never mentions he's in a relationship or has a girlfriend...never mentions me at all, even when he's talking about something we did together...he makes it seem like he was alone. Last weekend I was starting my computer and he asked what I was doing...so I told him I was going on Facebook. Then I saw him frantically deleting things from his page, so I asked him why he was doing that. He got very angry and announced he was removing me from his friend list, which he did. Then he got all dressed up and drove off, saying that he needed to get away from me. He came back about an hour later and was much calmer. Later that evening he gave me this long speech about how Facebook is like a sanctuary for him and he doesn't want me looking over his shoulder...and how it bothers him that I don't trust him. I apologized and we made up. I guess the problem is that maybe I really don't trust him...he's been with hundreds of women, and he used to make all this money on Wallstreet and he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever been with. He shows no remorse about it, basically saying it's only hurtful if you let yourself get caught. But he also says he's not that guy anymore, and that I shouldn't hold his past against him. But I have to say, he's home every night...when he left last weekend he was only gone for an hour. There have been a couple trips to Los Angeles for computer jobs for friends. Also, a couple months after we moved in together I found out that he invited a female "friend" from Facebook to his cabin in Tahoe for New Year's...he didn't go but he knows that I knew about it. This all probably sounds so stupid, but I feel like I'm going crazy...he's a saleman and very manipulative and convinces me that I'm untrusting and insecure. But sometimes I just have this feeling like I'm just too naive and forgiving. What do you guys think?? Thanks for reading all this.
Over_and_Beyond Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I recently got on Facebook to just to see what all the fuss is about...and he seemed wary. He said he would only be my "friend" (being able to see his wall and his friends) if I didn't question him about anything I saw on his page. Well, I noticed that he has a lot of female friends...from all over the country and he never mentions he's in a relationship or has a girlfriend...never mentions me at all, even when he's talking about something we did together...he makes it seem like he was alone. Last weekend I was starting my computer and he asked what I was doing...so I told him I was going on Facebook. Then I saw him frantically deleting things from his page, so I asked him why he was doing that. He got very angry and announced he was removing me from his friend list, which he did. Then he got all dressed up and drove off, saying that he needed to get away from me. He came back about an hour later and was much calmer. Later that evening he gave me this long speech about how Facebook is like a sanctuary for him and he doesn't want me looking over his shoulder...and how it bothers him that I don't trust him. I guess the problem is that maybe I really don't trust him...he's been with hundreds of women, and he used to make all this money on Wallstreet and he's cheated on every girlfriend he's ever been with. He shows no remorse about it, basically saying it's only hurtful if you let yourself get caught. But he also says he's not that guy anymore, and that I shouldn't hold his past against him. chrissi, I'm sorry that you're going through this. The thing is, you're definitely not crazy or paranoid. Your boyfriend's actions are certainly huge red flags and you ought to protect yourself. He's untrustworthy. My ex-girlfriend did pretty much the same thing during the time period in which she cheated. Once they start setting up "sanctuaries" for themselves excluding *you*, it's the beginning of the end I'm afraid.
Teslacoil Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Facebook is more and more becoming a relationship-killer! Soooo many posts about boyfriends with ex-girlfriends on facebook, vis-versa, etc. It's like the new gossip forum that everyone world-wide can participate in. ANYWAYS. 1) Your boyfriend is likely cheating on you. Pursue as necessary. 2) If your boyfriend is NOT cheating on you, he's enjoying a flirtatious alter-ego on Facebook which he doesn't want to be "ruined" by your presence there. 3) You're dating an already-admitted serial cheater. In my experience, cheaters of the variety that you describe you are dating do not change. He'll cheat on you. It's inevitable. 4) Get out. - I'm sorry for #4, but I'm truly honestly serious. If he's not cheating on you NOW, he will. Getting out is really your only option if you don't want to be cheated on.
New Again Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 FB and relationships really tend to not mix very well. There was a segment about this on a morning talk show today actually. He's being shady. It's not looking good. Even if he's not cheating (yet) his spastic attitude about a dumb social networking website does not bode well for you.
Fay Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 He's either cheating, or trying to. There's no way around that. Your relationship will end badly.
gopher Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 He's been with hundreds of women? uh just a wee red flag there...
stace79 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Uhh, if he was serious about you and so into Facebook he would post on his profile that he is in a relationship with you. Not tell you he "might" add you as a friend if you blah blah blah.... He sounds like a total douchebag. Why would you want to be with someone like that anyway? I would drop this guy and I sure as heck hope you've been having protected sex if he's truly been with hundreds of girls! Sickening!
in_absentia Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Wow... this guy is acting like a complete ba5tard, waving all the signs in the world of him cheating on you right in your face and has somehow got you doubting whether or not you're being paranoid. DUMP HIM He is cheating, or about to. And even if he didn't physically cheat with anyone, do you really want a bf who tries to hide your presence to random girls online? He doesn't respect you, isn't proud to be with you, and probably keeps doing it because he's realised by now you're too much of a doormat to dump him. I don't mean that nastily, I honestly don't. But that's how you're acting staying with this idiot.
Author chrissi Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Thanks so much for all your replies. I know I need to dump him. He really doesn't respect me...which I suppose is my fault for not standing up for myself. I guess I tend to be understanding and forgiving, and apologize too much just to make peace...probably will be my downfall in every relationship. Honestly, I'm scared to death to break up with him...he's the most vengeful person I've ever met. :S...and I'm about to turn 30 in two weeks (he's 41 btw), and I really want to at least have a boyfriend! He's all I got, I don't have any girlfriends! Wow, I sound pathetic!! Well, thanks again for the feedback.
freestyle Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Hi again Crissie, One sentence in your post really grabbed my attention: he said, "it`s only hurtful if you get caught"................... Crissie, please take some time to think through the implications of that statement. What it says to me is that he`s only concerned about what the fallout may be for HIM if he gets gets caught. It says that he has no concern for the emotional damage he may do to the person he`s cheated on. He doesn`t care if he damages another person`s capacity for trust. Therefore, rather than owning up to his own bad behavior, he`s blame-shifting, turning the tables on YOU, trying to convince you that it`s all in your head, etc. That`s called "gaslighting", and it`s a very cruel form of emotional abuse. (I`ve been through it myself) Granted, I`m not a psychotherapist, but I have done extensive reading about the different personality disorders, and it sounds like you bf has a lot of the traits of a narcissistic borderline personality, (i.e. zero remorse for past cheating episodes). I`d like to recommend that you do some of the same reading, it may help you gain perspective, and help you to reclaim your sense of self. Be strong, I truly know how hard it is~~~~~~~~and remember you CAN come away from this with your head held high. Remember too, there`s alot of us here rooting for you......... My best to you.
DunnoWhat Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 FB and relationships really tend to not mix very well. I agree. I started a thread about it before because after months of being in a relationship with my gf I decided to join facebook. We were chatting online that night and I mentioned it and told her I sent her a friend request and to add me as friend. She didn't seem to keen and said she would the next day. I told her to do it now it wouldn't take a min but she then "forgot the password" and when she logged in she couldn't find where it said to add me as a friend. Long story short she said she was very tired and wanted to go to bed and would add me the next morning. I was pi**ed off about it and let her know i knew she was stalling me. What was on there I still don't know but I reckon she cleaned it up a bit or she checked to see if it met my standards.
Fay Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Anyone who doesn't have something to hide would not need to stall or make excuses about a social networking site. Case in point: my most recent ex. We were seeing each other on an every-other-daily or so basis for about a month and a half. When I finally asked him if we were "together", after a small disagreement he agreed to change his status. He changed it on Facebook but not on Myspace, and when I asked him about it one day, he stalled. Another day passes, and another, then weeks... meanwhile I'm looking at his Myspace wondering why, after all his musical colleagues, which are to be expected at the top of the list, there was some girl before me on his Top 20. Some girl I'd never seen before, never heard of, so clearly she wasn't a close platonic friend or family member. Finally I gave him enough sh*t about his Myspace status that he changed it. A few hours later I walk into his room. He didn't hear me coming in, and when I busted in he looked like he'd seen a ghost and started closing out a bunch of windows on his laptop. Come to find out by semi-accidental snooping that the girl on his top friends is some girl he's had a long-distance relationship with for the last year or two. Eleven years younger than him, barely legal. HE ACTUALLY WROTE HER not two hours after changing his Myspace status, telling her he'd changed it for HER. Facebook had been safe because she wasn't on it. He's never met her in person, but throughout our relationship he'd been making plans to schedule tour dates in her hometown so they could meet and run off into the sunset together or whatever. One of these dates was supposed to be the DAY BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY - I was supposed to meet up with him at one of their shows on my b-day and ride with them the rest of the tour so he could give me a HAPPY GODDAMN BIRTHDAY. His plan was to have sex with a teenager one day, then the very next day, ON MY BIRTHDAY, look me in the eye and tell me how much I mean to him and have sex with ME. And they say men aren't dogs. My current BF can go on any of my social networking sites and all he'll find is pages upon pages of me gloating about him to anyone who will listen. I'm #2 on his Myspace after his band, and he's #2 after my best girl friend. He leaves me sweet comments, I write sweet blogs about him. And that's the way it should be, and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to cheat on you.
DunnoWhat Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 On a more positive note, at least social networking sites can be used to see what people get up to.
Ariadne Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 never mentions he's in a relationship frantically deleting things from his page got very angry and announced he was removing me from his friend list came back... much calmer long speech about how Facebook is like a sanctuary bothers him that I don't trust him been with hundreds of women make all this money on Wallstreet cheated on every girlfriend shows no remorse about it I shouldn't hold his past against him I feel like I'm going crazy... very manipulative and convinces me that I'm untrusting and insecure He really doesn't respect me... he's the most vengeful person I've ever met For those people wondering what a Sociopath was, here is another one. I'm sure chrissi is all confused because he is very charming and loving when he wants to be, and probably good in bed. She is completely tangled with this guy and he is messing with her head.
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