Jazzercise Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I found out that my husband had been going to strip clubs for a year alone. He also purchased flowers and paid for bikini's several times thru-out the year for one stripper. She would also text him to let him know when things were slow supposedly. This was a fully nude club he went to. I am struggling with forgiving him and believing that is was nothing more than flirting at a stripclub. We have been married for 20 years and have 2 young children. It is extemely out of character for him, he also had turned 50 when all of this took place. He is trying really hard to make up for it and said he would never do anything like this again but I am struggling. Your thoughts on how to get through this. I am thinking of divorce.
GorillaTheater Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Divorce strikes me as a reasonable option, I certainly wouldn't blame you for making that choice. He's possibly physically cheated on you, though I suspect it may be more likely that he stupidly became enamored with some dancer and she strung him along for gifts and money. But if this was indeed entirely out of character for him, if he's snapped out of it and is devoting himself 100% to making the marriage work, if he's being totally transparent with you regarding phone calls, emails, texts, and where he's at at any given point, I also don't think I'd blame you for trying to work through it. Based on your post alone, I think either option is reasonable.
2sure Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Oh Crap. Oldest, oldest , trick in the book. Here is the way it goes: Girls at the club cultivate regulars by making them feel they are special. That they are "friends." The girls make them feel that they are confiding in them, etc. They choose guys that are vulnerable "nice" guys - older Mid life crisis victims. Unavailable married men. Or guys that are terminally single. Either way , what they are shooting for is: Regulars that can be counted on to come in and spend their money. The clubs expect this. The mark is made to feel that although he paying for her time - thats just a club rule, not hers. The girls call and text the marks to make them feel like friends and also so they will come in when the money isnt flowing, on slow days. She will say something like: I'll have time to spend with you today. With his buying her things and sending flowers, he thinks he is having an emotional affair. She is feeling him out for how much he is willing or can spend. Given the opportunity she will take all she can unless she finds out he has run out. He may or may not have paid her for special services. With men like your H it is often the case that although he pays the house for the services, she doesnt actually have to "perform" for him because he thinks they are "friends". So - there you go. Your H has betrayed you. He has been played like a fool. I dont know which is worse.
Gunny376 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 One of my Marines got a part time job working as a bouncer at a strip club. He thought by doing so he would get inside the 'inner circle' Turns out? Most of the strippers are lesbians or bisexuals? Its a big joke for them to turn men on and take their money. The ones that aren't? They got some hugh 6'5" biker named Rocky for a BF. All you can do is look, as its against the rules to touch. If you do? Your going to have Rocky pouncing on your head and throwing you out the door on your @zz! Strip clubs are a joke! That's not to say you shouldn't call him to task ~ for wasting good money on such. But I wouldn't throw away a 20 year marriage over such.
Author Jazzercise Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Yeah, thats kind of what I was thinking but it doesn't it make it better. I could have been o.k. and forgotten about all of this if it was just going to the strip club but the fact that he took it to the next level and sent flowers and walked in to a sex shop to pay for something for another woman as well as spent about 7,000 dollars and to do this for a year....It really makes me re-think if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I trusted him completely before all of this and now I just don't know. Thank you for your reply.
Gunny376 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Yeah, thats kind of what I was thinking but it doesn't it make it better. I could have been o.k. and forgotten about all of this if it was just going to the strip club but the fact that he took it to the next level and sent flowers and walked in to a sex shop to pay for something for another woman as well as spent about 7,000 dollars and to do this for a year....It really makes me re-think if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I trusted him completely before all of this and now I just don't know. Thank you for your reply. JHC! I've been to strip clubs in my youth and never spent more than $70 in my entire life in one! And that was for the beer! I can see where your coming from now! At the very least this guy needs some counseling! Wheather you stay with him or not? I'm thinking MLC? He's certainly not thinking rationally? I'm 52 and live in a college town. I haven't any fantasies of getting with any co-eds young enough to be my daughter? Why would I want to?
LisaUk Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Talk about disrespectful to you! You say it's out of character though, I too am thinking MLC check out www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com also ask him to get some counselling.
boogieboy Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Yeah, thats kind of what I was thinking but it doesn't it make it better. I could have been o.k. and forgotten about all of this if it was just going to the strip club but the fact that he took it to the next level and sent flowers and walked in to a sex shop to pay for something for another woman as well as spent about 7,000 dollars and to do this for a year....It really makes me re-think if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I trusted him completely before all of this and now I just don't know. Thank you for your reply. Well now that we know he did emotionally betray you and got conned in the process, what do you think he feels hes not getting from you that he needs to get from a stripper? And I mean emotionally, not physically, unless it is only sex....
phineas Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Yeah, I have no desire to go to a strip club even though i'm getting divorced. I got better things to spend my money on. I'd be pissed if I was you. Sex would probably ruin the strippers scam. She may of given him a hand job or gave him a good grind while lapdancing with him. but full on sex would be like cutting her lifeline. Why visit her at the strip club when he can just go to her place? I stopped going to strip clubs when I got married. Before then my GF & then fiancee' actually went with me & we had a good time. There is zero riff-raff in strip clubs near me. Their clean, have good music, & arn't fully nude. Canada however is no holds barred. That's what I consider prostitution & while offered it, never partook in it.
2.50 a gallon Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I once shared an apartment with a male stripper. He was a good friend and a major chick magnet. He worked locally, but also went on tours, for up to months at a time. So he would have to pay rent for an unlived in apartment. By the two of us living together we were able to save money and get a much nicer larger 2-bedroom, and I could keep an eye on his things wihle he was gone On the feamale side of stripping, you had your locals and the headliners. The headliners would come into town for a month, work the clubs and move on to the next city. Their agents would handle all of the bookings and also arrange for a place for them to stay. One of the place they would stay was our place when he was on tour. In short I got to know a lot of strippers. Yes they made great money working the clubs, but they also saw working the Mark for gifts, etc. as part of their job description. No contact at the club but that didn't mean after hours, or time away from the club. A few years back I tried to Google him, with no luck, but did run across a stripper forum, in which they discussed the clubs in other cities, boyfriends and had a section, which was how to work the customer Yes there were a few who were devoted single moms trying to work their way through college and stripping paid a hell of a lot more than an office job. But on the other hand there were also a large percentage that were shall we say "sex workers"
2.50 a gallon Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 The other side of the coin. It is not only husbands who stray at strip clubs. My roomate also charged $50 for them to perform oral on him in the dressing room. Almost every night he brought lady home with him, most were freebies, but some paying customers. Most of them were married. They also took him on trips, one I can recall, the husband took off for the Super Bowl and the wife took him skiing. Another took him to Hawaii, but in that case the husband knew and joined them there
tojaz Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Jazzercise, I worked the door at a strip club for a few years and got to know most of the girls. 'Working" the customers wasn't just expected, it was demanded to keep the money flowing. There where strict rules about any hanky-panky whether for $$ or not. Imediate firing. Still, $7000 is quite a bit over the top. I'd definitely crack his head for that, but divorce might be a bit much IMO. These girls are very good at what they do, I saw some girls get cars, furs, all from guys who didn't look like they could pay there house payment. If he's being open and honest about it, I'd forgoe the big D but for sure make him clean the house, rub your feet, wax your car, and what ever else you can think of, for seven grand he should be in a world of hurt for awhile. TOJAZ
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