Kaldorn Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Hi all, I'm in a bit of a situation. I've been with my girlfriend for a year and a half. However, shortly after we got together, she went through a really difficult time, for reasons it's not my place to divulge. Please take my word for it though that she was genuinely having a really hard time of it. During this time, her ex (who had broken up with her a few months before we got together) regretted it, and started agitating to get back with her. When she said no, he became really manipulative. He even sent me an email saying everything she had done, to try and get me to dump her. He sent it from an anonymous email account, and pretended to be someone else. But I showed it to my girlfriend, and asked her, and she said "That's him". She outright denied the allegations in the email, and I believed her - why wouldn't I believe her over a guy who had lied, manipulated, etc? I did find it difficult that for several months after we got together, that she was still friends with this guy - not that I have a problem with people being friends with exes, but I do if said ex is trying to break you up and stuff. But she's a very trusting girl, and it took a long time for her to realise that he was never gonna be honourable about all of this. (they're not friends now, haven't been for a year or so) However, she has admitted she was very confused during this time. Now recently, we were just hanging out, and she said something that made me a bit suspicious. I asked her about it, and after much digging, she admitted that one of the things this guy said in the email was true - namely, that she had got quite drunk during this period (first half of 2008) while hanging out with this guy. Nothing happened, but apparently she drunkenly suggested doing stuff. (she doesn't remember the wording, so I can't be more specific). The thing is, I can accept this, but I'm quite bothered about the lying. A couple of weeks later she admitted that the other two things in the email were true as well: firstly, that she said at one point that she loved him (which she says was partially true at the time - though no longer - in a friendship/agape kind of way, but still strikes me as incredibly stupid with someone who is acting as he was) and that also she said that if she went with her feelings at the time, she would be with him. Remember all this is while she was with me. That last one I find really hurtful. But I do understand she was in a really difficult place last year, and this kind of person is quite difficult to get free of (the kind who is as emotionally manipulative as he was). So what reallly bothers me is that she lied about it for a year, and only admitted what had happened when I dug for information (just verbally with her, not by snooping or anything). I really love her and want to make this work, I'm just trying to decide if I can trust her or not. She is quite a closed person in some ways, and I she has hidden minor things from me before. But I also know that she's a very moral person, and she's feeling crushed by the guilt of having lied to me for the past year. She insists she's going to change. But then... The guilt wasn't enough to make her tell me the truth before now. So... I just don't know. What do y'all think? Any advice or opinions appreciated. Thanks for reading all this way.
samspade Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 While it's not your fault that her ex contacted you and her, you slipped up in a couple of areas. First, you should have made it clear early to your GF that you consider it disrespectful for her ex to be contacting you two in this fashion. That doesn't mean you need to deliver an ultimatum - you shouldn't have to. Just tell her it's not acceptable and that she should do as you do and block his emails, calls, etc. Exes belong in the past. I have no problem with people being civil with their exes, but usually when they are trying to be "good friends" it's a cover for one still pining for the other. Anyway, secondly, this should teach you to dig through your girlfriend's past. Her ex achieved exactly what he wanted: He made you insecure and jealous about how your girlfriend might have behaved (or talked about behaving). This, my friend, is a relationship-killer. Even though you take umbrage that she "lied" about her past to you when you initially asked, so I want you to remember this: A woman's past is like an iceberg...you will only see 10% of it. She will never tell you everything, and it doesn't really behoove you to know, either (outside of staying safe and STD-free). You dug and dug, and she admitted some more, and now you're even more hurt. What was the point? Leave the past where it is. NOW you are faced with the probability that she actually did the things she "drunkenly suggested" to her ex. I don't know how serious you two were then, but I'm willing to bet she was still branch-swinging and not ready to let go of her ex. Again - common female behavior, and women will always plead "confusion" to justify it. Just let it go and ask yourself this: Is my girl's interest in me high enough that I should even worry about this crap? You've probably done more damage than her ex at this point by playing into his hands. I'd say you should do one of two things: 1. Tell your GF that her past is her past and you don't care, but you don't want her ex contacting her inappropriately any more. 2. Break up with her - this is if you think it's beyond salvaging. It may be...you might have to chalk this up to a learning experience and be stronger the next time around. I'm not trying to lay this all at your feet, because if you GF was dicking around on you early on, that's a big red flag. What I'm saying is that you can learn from this and be the bigger man next time. Insecurity will eat you from within. If you discover something you find unacceptable, be ready to walk away.
utterer of lies Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 long, detailed, way to trustful rambling... She was down, met her ex, they had drunken sex, but she came back to you. Will you forgive her?
Recommended Posts