HollowedOut Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 This year makes fourteen… Our relationship began in high school on the way to and from a band competition. I was known as the flirt and basic slut of high school (senior at the time of our relationship beginning) and she was the innocent young sophomore. I began by teasing, as I often did, finding some reason to talk to her, bring her closer, and eventually get her to sit next to me. It took some convincing, but with a little help from my Pink Floyd CD and that little star in the sky we all affectionately call the Sun; my success came in a multitude of forms: first the punch in the arm telling me to stop blinding her with that CD and the plop down in the seat next to me. Our relationship built over a few short weeks as we began to become more “hot and heavy” with each encounter. I knew our relationship would make her the “outcast” in her circle of friends. I further knew that she was much younger than me, nearly five years. (So I failed, that’s another story, want to hear it, email me.) In hindsight, I likely would not change what or how I destroyed our young relationship that December. It turned me into the most hated bastard on campus, so much so I was bludgeoned by the wrestling team, football team, and called out on the most minor of infractions by every teacher until the end of the year. In fact, for dumping my “first real love” on Christmas day and making up the story that I cheated on her, my English teacher threatened to hold my grades so I could not “walk” at the graduation ceremony. She did not, I did, but the friends I had, have all been so alienated since, that I find myself seeking advice for something completely new to me, albeit apparently deserving and long overdue. About a year and a half passed by when I next spoke to her at length. Her hair longer; her body more slender; her smile brighter; and her life was so much happier, I only contemplated that it was the right decision letting her go and giving her the worst heartache. Oh, and let me just interject, her parents, friends, and pretty much anyone that knew of how I dumped her on Christmas absolutely hated me. Did I mention the beatings? Did I mention that even my own family hated me for a time? I actually made my grandparents cry when I told them what I had done. And only one person knew the truth besides me, my best friend at the time and friend for life. You see, with a five year gap, her being sixteen, my nearing twenty-one, it was only a matter of time before, well, she was, I was not and I did not want her first to be in the back of a car. I really did and still do, love her dearly. My senior prom was fraught with destruction for me as I had to find a long time friend turned girlfriend to go with me. We spent only mere moments actually there; after entering the restroom and being sucker rib punched by one I thought was my friend (broke three ribs). We need to fast forward / rewind to the part where I mentioned that her hair being longer. She was at her high school graduation ceremony dressed in one of her favorite white outfits. Come to find out, that she, never being conceited, told her best friend that “she looked damned good.” And she did. It was all I could do to pull her close and tell her the truth right then. I gave her my number and told her to give me a call sometime and I left it at that. She stalked me. Apparently, that was something her and her friend liked to do; find where “he” lived and drive by his house. Then drop in – unannounced. Didn’t bother me, I wasn’t busy very often. I worked for the step dad in the family business and was home every night about the same time and didn’t work much on weekends. So we decided to have diner, movie, a date of some sort. It wasn’t long before we were right back where we left off. And it was wonderful. Her sensuality had grown, but her experimentation was cosmically reserved for me and I thank my stars for her every day. Well that is up until about two weeks ago when she turned all the stars in the night sky black by uttering, “I just don’t love you that way anymore, and haven’t for some time.” That “some time” turns out to be better than three years. About three years ago she “had a crush” relationship with another man. She claims to not have done anything other than kiss him, but to me, the falling for, getting close to and developing feelings for is more hurtful than sex or no sex. I swept that under a rug and just let it go, until recently when he started showing up on television in commercials for his company (I don’t mention it to her, but it hurts when I see him). It even hurts sometimes when I kissed her after her indiscretion, always knowing that she could fall in love with someone else. She says it was before this relationship that she stopped loving me “that way.” When was it? I ask and ask, but she barely talks to me as to not offend our eldest child or bring up into our relationship, but sadly, our daughters three are all part of our relationship. Why did you stop loving me I ask and ask… and more and more people are telling me to give her space… I ask you all, how can I give her space and live in the same house? I cannot afford to leave, I don’t have a job. I cannot afford to ask her to, my heart would surely stop and she has a job. I want to make it work not just for the kids, but for us. We were so in love once, we know each others likes and dislikes and what makes each other tick and not tick. I die more and more each day since she told me, and hurt more and more each day and even now can barely function. I have very few friends and even less family I can turn to in this time of need. Anyone have a few hundred thousand to stop our divorce and save the mental states of three young beautiful girls (not to mention the health)? She doesn’t want to talk. She has no remorse or care in her manner. I’ve cried my eyes bloody and my chest to near death it seems and she shows no emotion what so ever. I write this in hopes that someone can tell me how to keep her and get her to love me again not in the hopes that someone will tell me how to leave. I’ve made only a few commitments in my life of which I can say the most important… One, to love my wife, unconditionally, faithfully and forever from before the moment I said I will to the day I say goodbye to this world. Two, to love my children, unconditionally and forever from the moment of their conceptions to the moment of my demise and from the beyond; I made this commitment with the understanding my children will never go through the pain and suffering I endured from my parents’ divorce and my mother’s multiple divorces; my children will never go hungry, even if it means I beg, borrow and steal to provide for them; and further that my children will never not know how much their father loves them. (Now we are on welfare, food stamps, WIC and other government assistance programs for healthcare, else so that my children do not endure the weak stomachs I suffered as a child.) I know that this is all my fault as I cannot keep a job. I know that if I had provided for my family better we would not be in this situation, and I know that if I was a better man, she would not have fallen for another in the past. Please, someone help, send money, send love, send food, give me advice, better than “let her go” “leave her alone” or “the kids will get over it.” -thank you all for reading, my love and thoughts are with you in your time of need. (by no means am I suicidal or homicidal… I’m dying on the inside, my heart hurts so bad, my eyes are really bleeding as well as my nose from the tissues (allergic to tissue, haha, what a screwed up thing to be allergic to – I wanted to assure you all, this is a cry for help and advice, im not going anywhere – my daughter told me yesterday that she wants to play percussion in the marching band, my other daughter hugged me so tight, she said “that hurt? How bout … NOW!” and my youngest is starting to laugh and giggle just from the littlest of things – yes we have two children under three, God, I hope they are really mine, and I hope that she did love me when we conceived, I know I did.)
LisaUk Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Hi Hollowed I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how much it hurts when someone you loved since a teenager hurts you. (I was with my ex for 18 years since 15 years old, if you want further background take a look at my thread "I get it"). So, you are still in the house, that is a very positive place to be because it can allow you to pull what is known as the 180. Google divorce busting and follow it to the letter. You are currently playing catch up, by that I mean your w has been in the loop on this for some time, for you, this a massive shock. You have to catch up and get on top of the situation as quick as you can. The best way to do this is to read threads on here, read Divorce Busting and the marriage bulilders website. The 180 will feel strange, it goes against every instict you are having right now, but by giving of this attitude in front of your spouse you will hopefully draw her back to you, it's no gaurentee, but it better than begging, pleading etc which will just push her further away (I know, I did it). It's your best shot, so go read up on it now. I saw a post on another thread about sleep, yes it does return in time. Keep posting.
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