can't live with out my wife

[joemarriage]

My wife and i have been married for 8 years and together 13... I love my wife more than anything else, besides my kids. We have had our problems which I am sure most marriages do.

ABout a year and a half ago I noticed that i was getting distant so I started to change myself and working on being a better husband. Realizing that i had already screwed up by being distant for a couple of years I knew i had to change. I started coming home and helping around the house more and started giving her some free time away from me, knowing she had some steam to blow. Now a 1.5 years have gone by and I dont know why but about a month ago i just noticed how distant she was. So i started asking questions and I asked her if she still loved me. The answer was yes but she wasnt "in Love" with me. She told me that the flame was gone and she wasnt sure if it could be rekindled. Since then we have talked about divorce and have had a few heated arguments. We still sleep in the same bed and when i come to bed I play footsie with her and she responds by rubbing back. We spend time with our kids together and have tons of fun laughing and having a good time, baseball games, parks, the beach, ETC. When we have conversations about what were going to do we both feel awful and talk about our fun times together. She told me to give her time to see if we can get things back to "normal" but she doesnt want to lead me on and make me feel bad. We still kiss and say I love you to each other, sleep in the same bed. I jsut dont know what to do. We have our first counseling meeting next week, she said she would give it a try and go in with an open mind.

She told me I am a wonderful man, nice, I help out her single mom with all the jobs around the house, help with her 90 year old aunt and even help her dad out when he needs help with his business, I take great care of our children. then she told me she wished I was a wife beater so making the decision to leave would be an easier one for her. BTW, I would never do something like that and I would beat any man that touches a women.

At this point I just dont know what to do with my relationship. It is starting to affect my business'. any suggestions on how I should be living to get my wife back. Thanks for the help.

[HollowedOut]

to me it sounds more hopeful than my situation

 

she's smiling with you around, thats a great sign dude - there is something there apparently

 

take heart, buy her some flowers (not from FTD mind) and have delivered at her job, get rid of the kids for an evening and wine her and dine her, and give her something real nice... then wait

 

the hardest part of the sale just after asking for the sale and waiting for the customer... the first to utter a sound loses - - i hate to compare love to sales, but that's what it is, its a sale of ones self to another

 

wait for her to explode with excitement etc... if she starts the conversation with... this is nice, but im sorry i dont feel... dude, im so sorry, i wish that i could say it gets better but, its been only two weeks since i heard, "not in love anymore" and its been 14+ since we started so i really dont know the answer...

 

never give up, never surrender - tim allen/commander taggart

 

good luck friend

[tojaz]

Joe, DONT PUSH. you need to just let her do what she's going to do. If she wants space, give it to her, if she dosen't want to talk, don't. This is going to be a very fragile spot for you and you need to be patient. Hopefully MC will help. Check out this website and get the book, theres a lot of help in it. http://www.divorcebusting.com/ In the mean time, what are her complaints, details etc. Theres a lot of help on LS with the right info.

TOJAZ

[seibert253]

Have you broached the subject of MC.\? Sounds like you both are fine candidates. From what you wrote, sounds like your wife does love you, but is in a rut right now, for whatever reason.

 

Hopefully this rut isn't an OM. Is there the possiblity of someone else lingering by the way? Even if your instant answer is no, I know there's some doubt in your mind. Investigate before you can absolutely say there's no way she would do that. Alot of guy and gals found differently after they looked into it and dug a little deeper.

 

If there isn't an OM, then you stand a very good chance of winning your wife back. Be there, but don't be pushy. Give her distance, let her come to you. If she agrees, have a date night once a week. Just you and her. Encourage her to go with you to MC. After a few years in marriage, everyone grows distant. Use this time to re connect.

[quankanne]

at the risk of sounding like an old sourpuss, why is it so dang important to be "in love"? I've been married twice as long as you, and can tell you that marriage means change, learning to roll with whatever's thrown your way. And yes, there are days that I cannot stand the person my husband is, I don't like him much because I know he wasn't raised to be that way, yet he chooses that behavior. And there are times that I can honestly say I'm not in love with him the way we hear about on TV or in the movies.

 

nope, to love someone is to decide every day that you're committed to that person even if you don't like them at that moment. That there's MUCH more than being "in love" to making a marriage last. Yes, it sweetens the experience, but if you're relying heavily on a chemical/emotional high, you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons because that's not a very psychologically mature way of looking at your relationship.

 

am very glad to hear that y'all are open to marriage counseling, because you'll get the tools you need to communicate better. My guess is that your wife is identifying whatever she feels as "not being in love" with you because that's the easiest way to describe things. I think once she (and you!) starts looking at your relationship with different eyes, she's going to see that the "in love" thing isn't what is important, but rather, "love" is.

 

good luck, and keep the faith!

[joemarriage]

thank you for all the advice:

About 1.5 years ago, as I said above I realized i was being an ass. I made my changes on my own to help my family and wife, she noticed and thanked me for it. She also said it was too little to late, but then she says she has mixed feelings and is willing to try MC, but she's not sure if that will help but will go in with an open mind.

 

Of course she works a job where she's around a lot of people and she talks about certain people, some are men. I straight up asked her if she was cheating or sleeping with someone else, because she not having sex with me, maybe once a month. She told me she doesn't need it like I do and that she needs more emotional support before sex, her answer was no, she said she never would. about 2 or 3 years ago she had accused me of an affair, I play on a Co-ed softball team and one of the girls on the team would call me and see when i was heading to the field, the girl she accused of having an affair with also happens to work in my industry and I hire her for some freelance work, I would never do something that stupid to ruin my life, besides she isn't much of a looker. I have dug into her email and even set it up so that they don't erase from the server when she deletes them and they get pushed to an account at my office, she gets no suspicious email, she leaves her phone out and no suspicious numbers or texts in it, shes not very tech savvy so it is easy to check all her stuff, so I am 95% sure she's not cheating, i feel awful that i have done that.

 

I brought flowers yesterday, happen to have a farmers market in front of my office, makes it easy, even made the bouquet myself, she said they were nice. As for gifts, I don't look at that as a way to get my wife back, don't think she would find that good either. Unfortunatly she works in a secured work place and deliveries are not allowed.

 

Everyone tells us we are perfect for each other, not sure if they are complimenting us or not, LOL. It just sucks that we get along really well as friends just not sure if at this point if we will be able to live together.

 

I treat her like my goddess, she is an amazing women and mom and has a great family.

[phineas]

I straight up asked her if she was cheating or sleeping with someone else, because she not having sex with me, maybe once a month. She told me she doesn't need it like I do and that she needs more emotional support before sex, her answer was no, she said she never would.

 

almost word for word what my wife said to me just before I caught her sending nude pictures & videos to her "friend".

 

She'd been sleeping with him on & off for two yrs.

 

We had sex 3 to 4 times a week since we were dating then all of a sudden "she didn't need it that much"

 

When she moved out and I went limited contact she was giving me quickies a few times a week & full on sessions.

She was also screwing OM. ICK.

 

I've come to the conclusion (from reading the many stories in this forum) that women who want to end it, end it because their just that unhappy with their man.

 

women that are cheating don't end it & drag it out until their sure the new man will replace their husband & if he doesn't they have a back-up plan.

 

My wife also during the whole seperation kept telling me she knew I had options & just because we were seperated she wanted to make sure I knew it wasn't permission to pursue them.

 

She knew there were women at work always inviting me to happyhour & knew I could probably hook up with them if I really tried (I always turned them down because I was married & I wouldn't have even tried). But just in case, she wanted to make sure another woman didn't cut the leash she put me on by always questioning my faithfulness to her.

 

All I can say is start snooping.

[seibert253]

If you're sure she's not cheating, give her time and distance. Be compassionate, but do not pursue. Sending flowers, getting her gifts, showering her with love and affection will only push her further away. Sounds idiotic, but it's true.

 

Any chance for MC? You two sound like perfect candidates.

 

My advice; be there, but be distant. Work on improving yourself. Also be the best dad for your kids. But, do not be the affectionate, loving husband you've been. You need to pull back. You may even consider sleeping in another bedroom. After awhile she will notice the difference and ask you about it. Then you can sit down, and in a compassionate way let her know you are giving her the distance she wants. Tell her you're willing to go to MC to fix this, but you're also preparing for life without her if it comes to that.

[LisaUk]

at the risk of sounding like an old sourpuss, why is it so dang important to be "in love"? I've been married twice as long as you, and can tell you that marriage means change, learning to roll with whatever's thrown your way. And yes, there are days that I cannot stand the person my husband is, I don't like him much because I know he wasn't raised to be that way, yet he chooses that behavior. And there are times that I can honestly say I'm not in love with him the way we hear about on TV or in the movies.

 

nope, to love someone is to decide every day that you're committed to that person even if you don't like them at that moment. That there's MUCH more than being "in love" to making a marriage last. Yes, it sweetens the experience, but if you're relying heavily on a chemical/emotional high, you're in the relationship for the wrong reasons because that's not a very psychologically mature way of looking at your relationship.

 

am very glad to hear that y'all are open to marriage counseling, because you'll get the tools you need to communicate better. My guess is that your wife is identifying whatever she feels as "not being in love" with you because that's the easiest way to describe things. I think once she (and you!) starts looking at your relationship with different eyes, she's going to see that the "in love" thing isn't what is important, but rather, "love" is.

 

good luck, and keep the faith!

 

Agreed! There were many times in the 18 years with my ex that I did not feel "in love". One word COMMITMENT. Remembering how happy you have felt and knowing that is possible, that's what keeps you going, it's called LOVE, loving someone means excepting their faults and working on the relationship. Right end of lecture ! LOL

 

It sounds positive to me, she's agreed to MC, I assume you have made it clear how much she means to you and that you don't want to lose her, you want to work it out so you can both move forwards happy and together? If so, don't go overboard on the gifts, might push her away, just give her time, space and be attentive to her. So if she's talking listen, ask if she would like to go on a date? Don't just arrange one etc.

 

Sounds like you have a good shot, I personally don't think she is cheating, now you said you checked up on her, I don't think so. Don't feel bad about doing that, from these boards alone I would have done the same. Some women need to feel an emotional connection and happy to have sex, I am one of them. I know there are women out there who are happy to view sex as a physical thing, but a lot of women don't. So the fact she's not sleeping with you regularly is not something to necessarily indicate an affair, rather that she's not too emotionally happy in the relationship right now. The fact she's willing to go to MC though, suggests she wants to be again.

[joemarriage]

LISA, You nailed it on the head With "COMMITMENT. Remembering how happy you have felt and knowing that is possible, that's what keeps you going, it's called LOVE, loving someone means excepting their faults and working on the relationship."

I feel she is still reachable, we have had a few conversations, went to baseball game this week, taking the kids to dinner together tonight... we still do things as a family.

 

"Some women need to feel an emotional connection and happy to have sex, I am one of them." Thats where shes at... Something I will just have to deal with, hopefully the MC will help us relearn how to accomplish it... Thank you for the encouragement. Take care

[LisaUk]

Glad I could help. Commitment is a BIG issue for me at the moment! Check out my thread "I get it" if you like, you'll see why!

 

I do think it sounds positive, just make sure you choose an MC that focuses on the couple rather than the individual, take a look at Divorce Busting, it gives help on choosing the right MC and avoiding the pitfalls. Remember therapists are human as well, although they should never allow their experiences to colour their treatment, because they are human, they do!

 

Keep posting, let us know how it's all going.

[hopesndreams]

Don't feel bad about snooping through her things. Sometimes we all gotta do things that go against who and what we are in order to find out the truth.

 

If there is not an OM and she really is just not loving you anymore and doesn't want to lead you on, etc., the only way to get her back to loving you is to distance yourself from her. Be the nice guy you are but do not share as much. The more you tell her you love her, give her flowers, play footsie, the less chance you have of her loving you again. She does love you but she is working towards leaving you. She needs more time to detach from you and that is your opportunity to show her you can live life without her if need be. That will be the ONLY way for her to get interested in you again.

 

Sorry you're going through this. It sux. Hope things work out for you but if they don't..continue living and don't despair. Life will be OK without her.

[lupa]

Don't feel bad about snooping through her things. Sometimes we all gotta do things that go against who and what we are in order to find out the truth.

 

If there is not an OM and she really is just not loving you anymore and doesn't want to lead you on, etc., the only way to get her back to loving you is to distance yourself from her. Be the nice guy you are but do not share as much. The more you tell her you love her, give her flowers, play footsie, the less chance you have of her loving you again. She does love you but she is working towards leaving you. She needs more time to detach from you and that is your opportunity to show her you can live life without her if need be. That will be the ONLY way for her to get interested in you again.

 

Sorry you're going through this. It sux. Hope things work out for you but if they don't..continue living and don't despair. Life will be OK without her.

As stoopid (mis-spelled to emphasize the stupidity) as this might sound, reverse psychology is the best bet when dealing with an issue like this.

 

It really is that simple and stupid...want her back? Act like this doesn't bother you. Want to show her love? Don't. She doesn't have the butterflies? YOU have to play hard to get.

 

For whatever reason, a huge portion of the population seems to not have left high school. Relationships, for them, need to have drama and conflict and power struggles. Settling down, having comfortable routines makes them feel like they've given up on life. I have done a lot of reading about this over the last few months, and have come to the conclusion that since men and women speak completely different languages, the only way we truly know how to communicate is through tension and struggle and hurting each other.

 

It is sick, it is sad, but it is the truth.

 

I'll give you a piece of advice, picked up from a man named Homer McDonald (great name, right?):

 

Learn to understand the difference between your WANTS and your NEEDS. You need food, shelter, clothing, and to take care of your children. You WANT to play footsie, you WANT to tell her you love her, you WANT your marriage to work. But you DO NOT NEED IT.

 

Let me say that again, YOU DO NOT NEED IT.

 

Confusing our wants (desires) for our needs is the root of all of our suffering -- this is a very eastern philosophy, but there are also the seeds of this train of thought in Christianity.

 

So, the path through this for you is to really sit and understand that your NEEDS are being met, and your desires are what are killing you. Once that distinction is being made, it is easier to accept the reality -- you cannot control the outcome, you can only go along for the ride.

 

The best part of this terrible situation is that you actually have the power to influence the outcome, not control it, but influence it by watching your behavior, settling down a bit, agreeing with what she says and wants, and reverse psychology-ing the hell out of her. The 180 where you start to work on yourself also drums up a lot of interest from her, too.

 

Trust me, I just blew this one out of the water, because I didn't understand it soon enough.

[joemarriage]

This is a little off subject but it happened yesterday. My wife went to geT her teeth cleaned. In the town we live in I pretty much know everyone and they all know me for being that Fun kind of crazy guy. Well the hyginist starts telling my wife how if she wasn't married she would totally want to date me and told my wife what a "catch" I was. I just laughed and thought that was pretty funny, especially since it was family pizza night and she invited her and her husband to go to dinner with us. She told me the conversation after dinner on our way home. Not really sure what that message was but very interesting to say the least. Have a great day all.

[LisaUk]

This is a little off subject but it happened yesterday. My wife went to geT her teeth cleaned. In the town we live in I pretty much know everyone and they all know me for being that Fun kind of crazy guy. Well the hyginist starts telling my wife how if she wasn't married she would totally want to date me and told my wife what a "catch" I was. I just laughed and thought that was pretty funny, especially since it was family pizza night and she invited her and her husband to go to dinner with us. She told me the conversation after dinner on our way home. Not really sure what that message was but very interesting to say the least. Have a great day all.

 

Ok, so the obvious meaning (and the one you hope for), is that she gets what a catch you are. However, there is a second meaning, that you probably won't have thought of because you love and trust your w, (I was the same with my ex, missed some stuff near the end completely), that is "don't worry honey, if I leave you someone else will want you"!

 

Twisted but true, now is the time to be very careful about how you HEAR what she is saying to you, remember ACTIONS speak louder than words. I'm not suggesting that is what she meant, but you should take note of all she says and think about it from every possible angle, don't ask her though! Just be aware of it.

 

In addition, BE VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU ANSWER if she asks questions, you can think it is an innocent question or that it's an odd question, I found out the hard way, your answers can have a serious effect on her decisions. DO NOT answer anything you feel uncomfortable with. I know this goes against your instincts, you want to be open and honest with your spouse, but believe me, now is not the time.

[joemarriage]

we had our first MC appointment... Just sucks to sit in an office and have your wife tell someone else right in front of you that she does not think she can go on any longer in our marriage, it took a lot for me not to get up and walk out. I know she wouldnt be there if she didnt think this may help.

The MC says that he 100% convinced she should move out. I don't know what I will do if she leaves. I have been giving her her space and i try not to over step my boundary. Tomorrow night she is going out and staying at her friends house, not sure if she will be back for the weekend.

The counselor would like me to talk to my family about our situation, but i am still in denial and can't deal with talking to anyone about this. I have said something to my business partner, my brother and the minister form our wedding. They are all just in disbelief that this is happening.

I know this post goes in many directions but i dont know where to go with all that is going through my head... hope things get better soon.

also we have a vacation planned for next week as a family, me,my wife and kids. She says she still wants us to go as a family, it is to a local ISland and very romantic, just not sure how I am supposed to act, especially since she wants no sexual contact... WTF am i supposed to do...

[Gunny376]

"hope things get better soon."

 

Hope springs eternal.

 

What your going through is the emotional equivalent of having a heart attack or stroke.

 

You've got to learn how to re-think, speak, walk, talk, move.

 

In short you've got to re-invent your life, and re-define what you life is about. You've got to reset your priorities.

 

You can't move, think, walk, nothing.

 

You do the same thing anyone does when they go through something like that!

 

You get up and move, you make the effort, your fall down on your face, and you get up again and dammit you try again!

 

And again, and again, and again, and again!

 

You get knocked down? You get up again! You get knocked down, you get up again! They're never going to keep you down!

 

You take things one day at a time ~ one minute ~ one second at a time if need be. You breath ~ your force yourself to breath ~ you force yourself to exhale as though you've just had the wind knocked out of you!

 

You do this for yourself ~ for its in the very core of your DNA to survive.

 

In the end you find that your life is worth living ~ but you've been cast for so long in living your life for the wife and your children ~ you've forgotten that your suppose to be living your life for yourself. Because in the end? That's all any of us have?

 

In the end? If the wife decides she doesn't want to be a part of that? She's got a ticket to ride.

 

You can't force someone to love you, and I'll be damned if I'll beg someone to let me love them!

 

You did just fine before you meet her, and you'll just fine after she's gone!

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

Not to say its easy.

 

I've yet to figure out why its harder learning to live without them once they've entered your life.

 

Were I to introduce my XHEX to any and all of you? All of you would be like WTF did you ever see in her?

 

A mistake of my youth! I was too young, dumb, ignorant to make a marriage work?

 

As for this weekend?

 

You give your children lasting fun and fond memories!

[Gunny376]

I would be remiss were I not to tell you, that this weekend may be the DW's "last cruise" of you and her with the children as family unit.

 

Don't be surprise if you don't get 'tha bomb' dropped on you when you return from the trip.

 

Why they do this? I don't know. I'm guessing to relieve their guilt about the impending split up.

 

Its very common for women and men who initiate the split up to do, (usually because they think they've got someone else lined up in the next room)

 

Not to ruin your weekend, just that I've been where your at and back, and can read the 'signs on the trail' a little better.

 

Were you and I sitting around on the patio around a firepit, and you told me what you've last posted? I would be thinking, "Stand-by to stand-by!"

[phineas]

I would be remiss were I not to tell you, that this weekend may be the DW's "last cruise" of you and her with the children as family unit.

 

Don't be surprise if you don't get 'tha bomb' dropped on you when you return from the trip.

 

Why they do this? I don't know. I'm guessing to relieve their guilt about the impending split up.

 

Its very common for women and men who initiate the split up to do, (usually because they think they've got someone else lined up in the next room)

 

Not to ruin your weekend, just that I've been where your at and back, and can read the 'signs on the trail' a little better.

 

Were you and I sitting around on the patio around a firepit, and you told me what you've last posted? I would be thinking, "Stand-by to stand-by!"

 

I wonder if this was why my wife insisted on spending 4th of july weekend at the house as a family.

 

She had succesfully gotten OM to break up with his GF & she was bedding him. Why all of a sudden plan to spend the weekend with me & the kids?

 

It was a complete change in her previous behavior. but it makes some kind of sense.

I guess I beat her to the punch.

[Billy Bob]

Ok, so the obvious meaning (and the one you hope for), is that she gets what a catch you are. However, there is a second meaning, that you probably won't have thought of because you love and trust your w, (I was the same with my ex, missed some stuff near the end completely), that is "don't worry honey, if I leave you someone else will want you"!

 

Exactly.. my ex-wife had some scheme in her head that she'd pawn me off to a mutual single female aquantance.. even tried to hook us up.. sick and twisted.. but that's what she was thinking.

 

I think your wife has the same idea..

[Billy Bob]

hope things get better soon.

also we have a vacation planned for next week as a family, me,my wife and kids. She says she still wants us to go as a family, it is to a local ISland and very romantic, just not sure how I am supposed to act, especially since she wants no sexual contact... WTF am i supposed to do...

 

I wouldn't go if I were you.. let her go by herself with the kids. You need to start detaching. If your not going on a vacation with her as your married/sexual partner, why bother.. I think she's validating to herself that she will still do a joint family event for the children.

 

You need to explain to her that it doesn't work that way. If you are not her husband/mate, then you don't vacation together and you do things seperately with your kids.

 

I'd just say "You're not my wife anymore, have fun without me, as that is what you want." I'm going fishing...

 

Quite often there is someone else, she might be being really careful making you think there is not.. probably someone at work. If she cut you off and wants out of the marriage.. and staying at her friends house...

 

After I had filed for divorce, I jumped into dating right away.. I was bopping a gal who lived 3 hours away every other weekend, I told my ex-wife that I was going fishing. I uploaded new (old) fishing pictures to my digital camera that I would show her when I returned.

 

Now she was the one who was blatantly dating and initially wanted the divorce, so I didn't feel like I was doing anything horrible.. at the time I wanted her to think I was a pitifull loser who just went fishing and cried alot (while the divorce papers were processing).

 

During the divorce, when I wanted to know what was going on I had voice activated recorders placed around the house, I monitored her cell records, almost put a GPS tracker in her car. However, after I caught her in a number of lies, I kind of just said f-it. There are also keylogger programs that are invisible you can install on her PC. Just sayin'

[joemarriage]

Thank you for all the help. Weekend are the worst, I am a wedding photographer and am at weddings every weekend. Just want to tell these people to not doit. But I need the money. LoL