stargirl1984 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Title kinda says it all. To get more in depth though- I'm wondering if me and the guy I've been seeing are really JUST Friends With Benefits, or if what we're doing is considered dating. We'd had a couple of dates months ago- but I started moving kinda fast, and putting pressure on him to be in an actual relationship. I also dropped the L-Word wayyyy too soon (Like on the second date). So he cut out. We didn't talk for 3 months. Then he called Friday, we talked for a bit, and he asked me if I was free Sunday. That day, we hung out for about 6 hours- he took me to lunch, we slept together, cuddled, talked, took a nap, went shopping for alittle bit. A pretty great day. The one thing that bothered me though, was when he asked in bed if I was ok with this "FWB arrangement". When I said I'd liked to know if it was going anywhere, he said he "couldn't make any promises". But overall, he was being very sweet. Now, I've always heard FWB was used when the people in question were ONLY in it for sex, and had no intentions of anything more. Hence why it bugs me that he used the term. But I'm wondering if he's just using it for shorthand to describe the state we're in right now: hanging out, talking, and yes, having sex- but not yet boyfriend/girlfriend/exclusive. Especially since he's said before that we wants us to really go slow and take time to get to know each other more. (A few more notes- as soon as we sat down at lunch, he asked if I'd met any guys in the interim. I admitted I'd talked to a few, but that they all bored me. He then said, without prompting, that he hadn't seen anyone since we last spoke. That means since January, the two of us have only been with each other? Also, at one point I said my cousin just had a new baby- he then asked if I "wanted any of my own one day.") Sorry that was so long. But I'm really trying to figure out if I'd be wasting my time with him, or if this is a normal part of "the path".
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 One lesson I've learned hard and fast: pay attention to what a guy says when it comes to this kind of an arrangement. They're pretty simple creatures. If he says it's FWB, that's what it is. It doesn't matter what justifications you put on it - it is, and always will be FWB if you let it continue. FWB doesn't necessarily ALWAYS have to be ALL sex. Sometimes there is actual "hanging out" happening. He has said "FWB" and you continued with the arrangement, so you have indicated that you are okay with being only his FWB. Just be clear on that. I don't want to hear, 6 months down the road, "WHY doesn't he want a commitment?" So it's up to you - do you want a FWB or do you want a BF? If you want a BF, it's time to cut this guy off.
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 OMG, more Cheers Effect.... OP, he knows you were into him in the past and what buttons to push. He's clearly talking and acting like someone who is not interested in a loving, intimate and exclusive relationship. Any other questions...?
stepka Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 What they said. It will never be anything more and the fact that he was willing to sleep w/ you knowing that all he wanted was FWB, when he knows full well that you have feelings? Then he jacks around with your emotions by mentioning a future--there's a special niche in slimeland for guys like that. Run. If he comes after you and is willing to date you w/o sex and wants to be with you, then maybe he likes you a lot, but don't bet the house. Another thing to keep in mind. We women tend to develop deeper feelings after having sex, so we project that same thought pattern on men--we assume that after having sex with us that they will bond more completely. Nothing could be further from the truth. It could happen. And a tornado could wipe away your house tomorrow.
dreamergrl Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 It doesn't have to be just sex for it to be FWB. There's other benefits he can get out of this, besides sex. All the comforts of a relationship, without the title and commitment. If you want more, you need to tell him this, and if he can't give you what you want and need, it's time to move on. He'll say all the right things, without actually saying "Yes, I want to be committed to you", because he wants to keep what he has. He'll make it sound like it's possible, but it's not what he wants. Hence the "I can't make any promises", following with all the sweet stuff.
amymarieca Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I'm going to be honest because I have been in this situation before. A guy who calls you after 3 months of not talking is looking for nothing more than just sex. He knew things were not going to work out between you because you dropped the L-bomb way too soon. He stopped calling and went looking elsewhere. The guy is probably desperate to get laid and he knew that you really liked him, so he probably called back hoping to score some action with you. Sorry, this is not a personal attack against you! Guys will literally do or say anything to get laid. He also made this very clear to you when he said it to your face. Men are not that complicated. When he says something, he usually means just that. Don't read into any little thing he says because it will get you nowhere. Why do you want to be in a relationship with this guy so badly anyway? From what you said in your original post, you only went on two dates before this FWB arrangement. It takes me at least a couple weeks if not a couple months to decide if I want to be someone's girlfriend. You need to take a step back and ask yourself what you really want from this situation. Don't date someone just because they like you. Date someone because you think they are great inside and out. If you are going to continue to see this guy in hopes that it will turn into a relationship, you are destined for heart break. This is one thing I can definitely assure you of. Save your feelings now rather than later.
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