SIAR Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 This is my 2nd marriage and it'll soon be our 10th anniversary. The first 2 years of marriage was okay probably because we had a long distance marriage. Then 8 yrs ago my husband came to Canada to live with me and my 2 kids from my 1st marriage. Eversince then my misery started and got worst as the years went by. I have very difficult misbehaved children from my past and my husband by now hates them. One year he even said it would not bother him to see them dead. This comment haunts me and I will never forget it. I constantly ask myself how can I love a man that hates my flesh and blood so much and expects me to chose him over them. Somehow I think I love my husband but I'm not sure what kind of love I feel. I know I'm not in love with him and this hurts me because I don't think it's right. I know he feels it because he has threatened me that he will never allow me to take my 2 children by him if I decide to leave him. He will do everything and pay anything to make sure that I do not get custody of the children. He would rather see them go to a foster home than with me. He knows he wouldn't be able to take care of our kids because they themselves turned out very difficult. He also blames me for that because of my previous difficult children. He complains about how bad they behave constantly. If I'm out he will call me to tell me how bad the kids are and they're not listening to him. It makes me angry and resentful to constantly hear my husband complain about his own children. I know he doesn't love me, he feels something but I don't know what it is. I know he is very insecure and he will stay in this miserable marriage because he does not want to be alone. I do feel sorry that he never felt unconditional love not even from his own parents specially from his father. I know this is the reason why he does not know how to be a father and I'm sorry for my children. My husband goes around thinking that most people are stupid. If you cannot provide a proper answer to him you are STUPID!! I can't have a proper conversation with him without getting angry because I anticipate that what I say is always incorrect. Everytime he opens his mouth all I hear is complains and nag nag nag. He whines and bitches all the time. I try to avoid being in the same room for more than 10 mins unless we are watching a movie. I hate my situation, I keep telling myself to just hold on maybe it'll get better. I don't think it will because my resentfulness is growing. As he keeps harpering about my older children and our own kids, I don't think I can let my resentful feelings go away. He also doesn't like the fact that I am very close to my family because he has no one else here. He does have a mother but she's at the other side of ocean. He has a brother whom nobody knows if he is still alive or not. The brother cut off ties - the family did not get along. I am sorry for making the mistake of marrying a man that I think can change for the better....and now I'm stuck with him.
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 So, you have four children and your H seems very angry. Anger is usually a behavior rooted in hurt. Any clues where his hurt comes from? Beyond that, he doesn't seem to have the life skills to handle his responsibilities in a mature fashion. His outbursts reflect this. I recall similar actions/reactions prior to getting marriage counseling. I had a lot of anger and was expressing it improperly. I doubt your H wants to better himself, but, before you start the battle surely to come, you might ask him to try MC and maybe he can prove me wrong. Otherwise, I don't see any recourse other than divorce. Sorry Welcome to LS....hope we can be of some support...
Teslacoil Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I don't think divorce is going to solve any of your problems (yet). Honestly, from what you describe it sounds like both of you are lousy parents. Your kids are admittedly badly behaved. I don't hear anything about the older-kids natural father. Even if he's still in the picture, and a bad influence, I don't think he gets all the blame. It doesn't sound like you're doing a good job either. It sounds like you've just "given up" and accepted the fact that your kids are badly behaved. It further sounds like this is driving your husband bonkers. It also sounds like your husband is having a very hard time being both a dad and a step dad. I think you could both benefit from some PARENTING classes. Even if your kids are badly behaved you could both benefit with learning how to parent them together as a couple instead of individually, as it sounds you are doing now. Being better parents together may bring you closer as a couple as well.
asireen Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I know he feels it because he has threatened me that he will never allow me to take my 2 children by him if I decide to leave him. He will do everything and pay anything to make sure that I do not get custody of the children. Stick around in the marriage till the youngest kid you had together is 18. After that, given your situation, divorce seems the best option. Single parents marrying when each or either has kids under 18 is a bad idea to start with. But what's happened is happened. For the sake of your kids, both of you need to compromise and put up with each other.
angie2443 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 From the sounds of it there is nothing healthy about your marriage. If your children have problems now, staying married in these conditions will only make them worse. If you and your husband can work on these issues and fix them, then I guess give it a try. If not, I would be working on finding a way out. Talk to a lawyer. Start finding out what your options are.
mavislwf Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I am sorry you are going thru this crap. I know how you feel, sadly and I am about to get a divorce. You can't let him hold you hostage in this marriage concerning your children w/ him. You would be better off w/o him! Let him fight for the kids. How old are they? Depending on their ages, they may be able to verbalize where they want to go and I am guessing it is not with him. Good luck to you.
moo Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I think you should start off by getting counseling for yourself. You need to get your head together first. While you are in counseling you can discuss your problems disciplining the children. I don't think marriage counseling would be good yet. Work on yourself and get strong. This man is a bully. First things first, you need to get strong.
Just Call Me Reba Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 Well your husband is definitely a control freak. I can say this because I was married to very similar. Saying he wishes your children is dead is another thing. My ex used these tactics more than I can ever count. I believed him for many years. My children did not act out the way yours do, but their grades suffered because of me staying with him and it was a constant up hill battle for me to keep them in tact. What I ended up doing was making sure that friends and family were around alot. To witness his behavior and once my youngest turned 12...I was out of there. Attorney told me he could do nothing about it...she chose to go with me. He also told me that the courts rarely award the children to the father unless the mother is awful. So go to an attorney and if you can...record his behavior, have witnesses and find yourself a counselor so you don't have to go through this alone. Church ministers are very good. You have to stay focused on yourself and the children. You have to stay rash. It's hard but it has to be done. I made sure I never drank anything alcoholic, no smoking, went to church, everything a good mom can do. He sat at home drinking all hours of the day, screaming, cussing....verbal abuse can be just as bad as physical, just the scares remain on the inside. Please see an attorney soon as possible. The children are suffering with you. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THIS!
Thornton Posted August 5, 2009 Posted August 5, 2009 I'm not surprised that your husband is whining and bitching if he has to put up with living with badly behaved children. But he can't just blame you for that - if your kids are badly behaved then both of you are at fault. Kids aren't just badly behaved by themselves, they behave in the manner in which they've been taught to behave (or the manner in which they've been allowed to get away with behaving!) I agree with the suggestion of parenting classes, and also marriage counselling. If that doesn't work, then ultimately divorce will be your only remaining option. Unfortunately divorce won't fix your childrens' behavioural problems, it might even make them worse. Perhaps addressing those behavioural problems might actually help to save your marriage by creating a better environment at home?
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