LucreziaBorgia Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Depression is anger turned inward. What to do? Turn it outward, and blister his sorry ass with the mother of all divorce/child support settlements. All you have to do is see a lawyer, and get him to write down how much child support would cost him per year per child until they are 18. Then add alimony to that for as long as you will get it. If you have AOA or criminal conversation in your state add that amount too. Write that bottom line number down and hand it to him one day. The amount will be staggering. When he says 'what's this'? Tell him that it is the price he will pay for what he has done, and then hand him the divorce papers and demand that he sign them. If that won't shake him out of his azzholeness, I don't know what will. Rock the boat, rock it hard and tip his sorry ass out if he won't walk the line. I'm serious. I am so angry for you. I wish I could tip him out of the boat myself with a boot in his ass to help him sink to the bottom faster.
alphamale Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Depression is anger turned inward. you talking clinical depression? well you're wrong, its a medical illness not unlike diabetes or cancer
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 you talking clinical depression? well you're wrong, its a medical illness not unlike diabetes or cancer Nah, it was just a generalization for this particular thread. Trust me, I know clinical depression on a first hand basis.
alphamale Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Trust me, I know clinical depression on a first hand basis. then please distinguish between the two, thank you. this is how the whole "depression isn't a real disease" baloney gets perpetuated
Author BetrayedMama Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 how about tonight? anyone out there? just got back from a late walk. came home to a snoring uncaring husband. i could have been hit by a car. he didn't care. he went to sleep. although any other night he would have played xbox. something is wrong with me. tell me a reason to not kill myself. i am serious. love my kids more than life, but reason with an unreasonable hurt woman right now. i hate this life. he is playing the victim now fyi. god just end it all now. i cna't live w/ someone in denial like this. i can't live anymore. please help me. i am so cold.
Author BetrayedMama Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 I am sorry I am being so very pathetic. i found another bottle of wine. you have to know that i am 30 and can count on, at the most, 2 hands how many times I have drank anything my whole life. I don't know what to do. i am so very helpless. I am like, destroyed. and distraught. he tells me earlier he is mad at me and that i am sick in the head and i make it all up. i don't know how to cope. i had to cancel all my clients in the morning. i want to end my business. i want to end everything. i wish i never met him. i wish i never got married so damn young. can you help me please before it is too late?
headlesschicken Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 call 911. tell them you're suicidal. seriously i don't think we can help you as much as you need.
Author BetrayedMama Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 i cant bring myself to do it. is there anything you can say for me? I am not a crazy person. I am so good. such a goodie goodie. i can't get out of my own self pity. what is wrong with me? i can't get past this. why am i so desperate? why am i so pathetic right now?
carhill Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I don't have practical experience but does this sound like post-partum depression to anyone? Dismissing the H's behavior for a moment..... OP, can you see a doctor in the next few days? When you say 'hypotensive', this says to me that you have low blood pressure. Have you been dizzy or have fainting spells? TBH, I don't think your situation can be helped in a meaningful way by a support forum, though we'll be happy to listen and offer support. I'd try to get to a doctor as soon as possible....
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 i cant bring myself to do it. is there anything you can say for me? I am not a crazy person. I am so good. such a goodie goodie. i can't get out of my own self pity. what is wrong with me? i can't get past this. why am i so desperate? why am i so pathetic right now? Your H is an a$$ and not worth killing yourself over. Trust me, I have one too... You are just in a bad place right now, feeling desperate and you cannot believe this is what you get for being a good person and a good wife. But life, unfortunately is not always 'fair' the way we want and expect it to be. However, I think it's for the best that you can now SEE what he is, because there is no way you are going to put up with all his $hit forever.... and That will Cause you to Change. Change is difficult, it is hard, and most of us do not want to do it. But you are feeling terrible right now, and instead of using your Righteous Anger to put it where it belongs -- on HIS head, you are sparing him (cuz you love him) and you are hurting yourself instead. Stop it. Pull yourself together... if you continue to self-destruct, he is only going to land up despising you and making up lies to 'justify' his actions. BE THE LADY THAT YOU KNOW YOU ARE! Take care of your health... you cannot take your good health for granted... stress is like poison on your body and your mind. If you continue to pour alcohol into your body, in an attempt to 'wake' your H up to the damage he has inflicted, you will land up Weakening Yourself!!! And that will get you No where! It will make you feel completely $hitty! So -- Protect yourself and don't do anything unhealthy to yourself. As far as I am concerned, it is healthier for you to yell at HIM (anger outward) rather than drink and cry and plan suicide (anger in). This inversion of your anger (normally a 'healthy' reaction as an expression of your outrage at being treated Unfairly) is going to lead to Depression... not a place you willingly want to place yourself... cuz it's harder to climb out of that deep dark pit. Tell that bastard what you think, lift your chin up, and be Strong! Strong is attractive, healthy, and best for healing yourself. Nothing you did warranted his behavior, choices, and actions, so don't 'take on' his $hit -- let him own his own crap. All the best to you. Now go have a hot bath, drink a warm glass of milk, and go to bed.
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 In the morning phone and make an appointment with your doctor, to be seen urgently... you MUST get help... you have the rest of your life and a young and growing family depending on you getting the help you need. There is NO shame with asking for help, it happens to the best of us.
Author BetrayedMama Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 i am listening athena, to you, and all of you...i always do. what do you do when you have someone who denies everything and turns it all on you? called gaslighting i guess? but how does one handle it? i can't believe i am dealing with this. i can't believe it. if i coudl start my life over...
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 i am listening athena, to you, and all of you...i always do. what do you do when you have someone who denies everything and turns it all on you? called gaslighting i guess? but how does one handle it? i can't believe i am dealing with this. i can't believe it. if i coudl start my life over... You think to yourself that you are not the first one to be so horribly and unfairly blindsided by a spouse... that many others have gone through the very same pain as you, and made it! That your H does not deserve you, and even though you hurt so much you want to punish yourself, that you simply must not choose the destructive way, because you do not deserve to be hurt more... you must choose the healthy way. And you Know this, because you are a personal trainer... the body (and mind) responds to the exercise and food (or drink) and thoughts you feed it... if you do not take care with your body and mind, you land up unhealthy... you teach this to others, so put this analogy into what you are doing to your mind... You are hurt. And even more hurt because he doesn't seem to care about your feelings... some cheating spouses are in denial and will become very defensive and go into denial. Yes, the gaslighting is very hurtful, try not to believe anything he says. What exactly are you most hurt about. And what is he accusing you of?
bentnotbroken Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 i am listening athena, to you, and all of you...i always do. what do you do when you have someone who denies everything and turns it all on you? called gaslighting i guess? but how does one handle it? i can't believe i am dealing with this. i can't believe it. if i coudl start my life over... What do you do? Put on your big girl panties, some hip boots and wade through the mess. You can do this. I thought I couldn't do it either. I did it. My kids deserve the best me that I could be. Please see a doc ASAP, this is your life to live, for you, not the steaming pile of walking diarrhea you are married to.
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 You have to realize that his cheating is not a reflection of how lovable, or worthy YOU are... but what poor choices he willingly made. It is not how you should be judging yourself. Look at him as a damaged man... I don't know if he will 'come right' but it sure will not help you if you start hurting yourself only because he is not valuing you.
SidLyon Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 What time is it where you are BM? It's lunchtime Saturday where I am - I guess you're in the USA so probably everyone there is about to go to bed. Is there a 24 hour help line there? We have several here (one called Lifeline and the other called CrisisCare). I called them on 2 or 3 occasions after I discovered my H's infidelity. Like you I often just sorta hoped each and every day that this will be the day I just die. Sometimes I still feel that way but it does get better. I am more than 20 years older than you and as an oldie I know the feeling that I will never find anyone again. Just accept that your feelings of wanting to die will not always be there. But please meanwhile find yourself a 24 hour telephone counseling service and call them. Surely you are in a civilised country that has such things provided by the State? S
Author BetrayedMama Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 it is way past my bedtime at 1245 am. wow. i usually start work at 430 am i sure wish i could make him love me again. i remember a time when he did. when all the world was simple adn we were young. i could go on, but i would be pathetic adn waste your time. life is so short. what else can i do? i have been such a good girl. he is so scary. i lovehim, but not in a pathetic way, i just cant live w/ or w/o him. I mean what I said about the puppy love. I just always thought he was the best. sorry about my grammar. i am actually very educated. as drunk as i am i can see my mistakes...sorry.l
Athena Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 it is way past my bedtime at 1245 am. wow. i usually start work at 430 am i sure wish i could make him love me again. i remember a time when he did. when all the world was simple adn we were young. i could go on, but i would be pathetic adn waste your time. life is so short. what else can i do? i have been such a good girl. he is so scary. i lovehim, but not in a pathetic way, i just cant live w/ or w/o him. I mean what I said about the puppy love. I just always thought he was the best. sorry about my grammar. i am actually very educated. as drunk as i am i can see my mistakes...sorry.l It's hard to talk sense into a person who's drunk. Granted, you are Hurt and are trying to Numb the pain, but it's awkward to give advice when someone is drunk... plus -- why are you hurting yourself in this way?! Put the same amount of energy that you are expending, into Healing, or Moving on from him... take care of your children, that might keep your mind off of what H is up to... and try not to take much notice of his gaslighting -- it's a Very Common tactic employed by those who are almost caught/suspected/ guilty....
cobblestonerd Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 I can relate. I haven't posted anything to a forum since it happened but I can see where you're coming from. My wife and I are also high school sweethearts and have been together for 15 years. She was one I chose because of her morals, intellect, and personality. Almost two years ago now she wakes me up at 1:00 in the morning to tell me that she has been having an online affair (which I thought she was) and it wasn't the only one. She had one previously and was still chatting with him. It was to the point the guy knew where I lived, my phone number, had pictures of her, and both of them tried to get her to leave me because they were so *in love*. So I can relate to the destroyed feeling and the total shock of how someone you love and trust so much can do this to you. The total disregard of your feelings. She was extremely apologetic, and has drastically changed. I chose to stay with her given this never happens again. I'm almost two years in and I still think about it everyday. A couple of things I've learned: 1) It is not you. You sound like a wonderful person. I felt the same way that something was wrong with me or I wasn't good enough. It is B.S. and a way to cope and justify why they would do it. It is their problem. They should be able to see how lucky they are. 2) Life needs to have other pleasures than your spouse. This one is still difficult for me, but I'm working on it. Find something else you love and you're passionate about. 3) Try not to dwell on the subject too much. I spent many days where it was the only thing I could think about. I developed a problem of ruminating on the subject and it just became bigger and bigger in my mind. 4) Sounds like you work out regularly, keep it up. Exercise is great for stress and I would suggest yoga or something to relax you. I've lost 80 lbs in my process and I'm now more fit than I was in high school. 5) Vent some. Try hitting a heavy bag or a pillow and just venting your anger. 6) Think of your kids and others that love you. It is important that you hold it together for them. Good luck and god bless.
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