JamesG Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I have been married to my wife for ten years in December. She wrote me a letter telling me she loves me but not in love with me. She needs time to her shelf that she needs to work on her shelf. After she worked on her shelf then she could work on us. I tried confronting her after i read the letter but she said she didn't want to talk. The next day she told me why. It was somthing i said to her a week before i got the letter. Yes we fought in the past but always made up with in two days. I realize what i said was wrong and hurtful. I was asking for sex and she told me no and I made a comment of well I will just take it then. Then I called her a crouch and walked away. I said that before i even new what i was saying to her. Knowing about her troubled chilhood and what happened to her growing up. At the time in my mind I thought I was just playing around. When she told me what I said I stared crying and telling her sorry I didn't think before I talk. We have three boys. She said we could be friends and roomates so we didn't turn there lifes completely upside down. It is hard because I accused her of cheating on me and she told me she wasn't cheating and I belieaved her. Found out from phone records she was talking to a friend 103 min and 132 min. and alot more times. I confronted her on it and it only made it worst and i just keep messing up and not leaving her alone to do her thing. She is always going out and leaving me with the boys and having fun with out us. I let her go and still tell her i love her and only want to help her. It seems like i take a step forward and three steps back. What should i do I love her with all my heart and soul and want it to work out for me and the children. Thank You
BentButNotBroken Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 James, This will not be easy for you. You have some time coming up here that will be hard and slow. You need to, first of all, not keep your thoughts/fears/small victories pent up inside you...get it out just like you did here. There are many people who have had this happen to them and some people here that did it to others...all that valuable knowledge and advice will help immensely. Also, if you have confidants in family or friends...go to them. Just eat, sleep, and open up then you will be helped along this path to whatever end is in the cards for you. Plus you will be better for it...trust me James. Read stories here from post number 1 to the last post and you will see the lights at the end of tunnel. Here is my opinion on your ordeal... - She has a character flaw and she is searching for ways to hide and feel better about her behavior. Its natural but that doesn't make it proper. This might seem improper since i dont know you or her but i truly believe she will regret it sooner or later. You have a couple ways to go about it at this stage... 1. (some might disagree with this one) If she lives there...take that phone and sit her down. Dont be out of control or enraged...tell her what she is doing to you and how you feel. If she remains cold no matter what, gently give her the phone back and walk away (you do not believe me that battle was yours and its a small victory). Initiate limited contact by being "business only" and saying things like "you know how i feel about this but i respect YOUR decision". Get to the gym, get some guys together and go out more or spend time with family. If she gets curious ask her along but keep it short and sweet. Dont be cold but dont be a doormat either. 2. Initiate limited contact and "fake it till you make it" now. Prepare for life without her (yes it will start by being grueling) but this is a way to have her see the consequences of her unfair and undeserved actions as soon as possible. Take a deep breath every day and be strong. You are not the one that was out of bounds here. Everyone makes mistakes but its the people who want to ACT (not run) on them that are special. We are here.
Author JamesG Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 James, This will not be easy for you. You have some time coming up here that will be hard and slow. You need to, first of all, not keep your thoughts/fears/small victories pent up inside you...get it out just like you did here. There are many people who have had this happen to them and some people here that did it to others...all that valuable knowledge and advice will help immensely. Also, if you have confidants in family or friends...go to them. Just eat, sleep, and open up then you will be helped along this path to whatever end is in the cards for you. Plus you will be better for it...trust me James. Read stories here from post number 1 to the last post and you will see the lights at the end of tunnel. Here is my opinion on your ordeal... - She has a character flaw and she is searching for ways to hide and feel better about her behavior. Its natural but that doesn't make it proper. This might seem improper since i dont know you or her but i truly believe she will regret it sooner or later. You have a couple ways to go about it at this stage... 1. (some might disagree with this one) If she lives there...take that phone and sit her down. Dont be out of control or enraged...tell her what she is doing to you and how you feel. If she remains cold no matter what, gently give her the phone back and walk away (you do not believe me that battle was yours and its a small victory). Initiate limited contact by being "business only" and saying things like "you know how i feel about this but i respect YOUR decision". Get to the gym, get some guys together and go out more or spend time with family. If she gets curious ask her along but keep it short and sweet. Dont be cold but dont be a doormat either. 2. Initiate limited contact and "fake it till you make it" now. Prepare for life without her (yes it will start by being grueling) but this is a way to have her see the consequences of her unfair and undeserved actions as soon as possible. Take a deep breath every day and be strong. You are not the one that was out of bounds here. Everyone makes mistakes but its the people who want to ACT (not run) on them that are special. We are here. But she is seeing another guy right know a close friend but i think it is more than that they are always texting each other at all times of the day and i think hanging out leaving me with the kids to watch and see is talking to a old boyfriend she told this to me but also told me there is nothing going on betwwen them
BentButNotBroken Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 But she is seeing another guy right know a close friend but i think it is more than that they are always texting each other at all times of the day and i think hanging out leaving me with the kids to watch and see is talking to a old boyfriend she told this to me but also told me there is nothing going on betwwen them As much as it seems impossible and reasonable at the same time....you cannot push her James. At this moment you must revert back to James being #1 to get you under control and to help you avoid pushing. And i dont say to not push for her betterment. Its for yours. She wants you to beg, she wants you to chase...it subconsciously "cushions" her fall because she is bringing you down with her. Its freaking sad that these reverse psychology games have to be played but when the battlefield evolves...so must you. By limited contact, you will give her the quickest window to her bed that she is making for herself. And once she recognizes the ugliness in lying and deceit...she will see the true colors of what she did. Will she come storming back? I have no idea James. If she is a person with any morality i expect remorseful action in some shape. But it could be a journey that you cant sit and wait for. You are #1 here and you need to be ready for whatever decision is placed in front of you. For your sake and for your family. If she doesnt waver from this approach...James, could you stomach worrying about this day in and day out just for the reward of having her in the same room? i am in the midst of a very similar situation for the record. Write it all out, read some other ordeals, and form a plan of action to keep you from drowning to save her. Because if you push...she will keep walking when she gets on shore and not turnaround for you. That is her failure and flaw...not yours. You are strong and people are here for you.
razghoul Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 l would use caution in what you say around her and your kids. Children are pretty sharp and can pick up on the mood of the room. They're tougher than you think but still it doesn't help if the whole clan is in termoil. Take my advice for what it's worth. You don't know me and I don't know you. I know that you care enough to save what you have and that you must be a kind person or you wouldn't be her looking for help.
razghoul Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Wow I don't know what happened to the first part of that note. Welcome to the circus James. Most of us are right there with you. Bent is right the pages presented here show the path to some comfort. Lot's of good stuff to help you survive. Be careful with what a wife may say. In some cases they my say anything to see you squirm. Unfortunately my wife was having an emotional affair the evidence was all to clear. Yours may be haveing the same kind of thing. You may want to look at the no contact rule or the 180 plan. Granted you are living in the same house for now. That can be a blessing it can also make it more difficult. I wish my wife was still with me every day. As Bent mentioned go business only, be polite, strong, cool but scarce. If she said she needs some space to work it out then by all means give it to her. You need to work on you at this point. You may have made a simple human mistake. OMG you said something insensitive. This is not your fault my friend. It may have been an unfortunate choice or words. But she reacted inapproprietly. Maybe she was overworked, tired, who knows. But to string it out this long. Work on your self, be strong, confident and take care of your boys. Maybe you should go visit a friend in the afternoons. Make her miss you. Visit family if they are close, take the boys to the park. Something to help you and your boys. Maybe MC marriage counseling is the answer. If she has the baggage you are talking about maybe she needs to resolve those issues. This may take time my friend. Remember we are here, keep posting and reading. Trust me it really helps.
Author JamesG Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 l would use caution in what you say around her and your kids. Children are pretty sharp and can pick up on the mood of the room. They're tougher than you think but still it doesn't help if the whole clan is in termoil. Take my advice for what it's worth. You don't know me and I don't know you. I know that you care enough to save what you have and that you must be a kind person or you wouldn't be her looking for help. Thank you all for the advice i will put it all into effect all be strong for my kids and myself just try and give here the space she needsa and want i just don't know what i will do if i find her cheating
Author JamesG Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Wow I don't know what happened to the first part of that note. Welcome to the circus James. Most of us are right there with you. Bent is right the pages presented here show the path to some comfort. Lot's of good stuff to help you survive. Be careful with what a wife may say. In some cases they my say anything to see you squirm. Unfortunately my wife was having an emotional affair the evidence was all to clear. Yours may be haveing the same kind of thing. You may want to look at the no contact rule or the 180 plan. Granted you are living in the same house for now. That can be a blessing it can also make it more difficult. I wish my wife was still with me every day. As Bent mentioned go business only, be polite, strong, cool but scarce. If she said she needs some space to work it out then by all means give it to her. You need to work on you at this point. You may have made a simple human mistake. OMG you said something insensitive. This is not your fault my friend. It may have been an unfortunate choice or words. But she reacted inapproprietly. Maybe she was overworked, tired, who knows. But to string it out this long. Work on your self, be strong, confident and take care of your boys. Maybe you should go visit a friend in the afternoons. Make her miss you. Visit family if they are close, take the boys to the park. Something to help you and your boys. Maybe MC marriage counseling is the answer. If she has the baggage you are talking about maybe she needs to resolve those issues. This may take time my friend. Remember we are here, keep posting and reading. Trust me it really helps. I asked her if she wanted to goto MC she said she does not know i dont know if i'm alone in this instance i don't want to push her maybe in time she will say yes i'm still wearing my wedding ring but she isn't i guess there is always dreaming.
razghoul Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 My friend, I went through a physical affair about 20 years ago. We were very young and I was a hot head. I beat the (&(^) crap out of the guy. I felt great afterwards. Right up until I met my daughter who was 4 at the time. She started to cry because daddy was hurt at the door. I then had to face my 2 babies and my self. What I am saying is that as men we always think that the solution is to beat the problem to death. All I can say is it just isn't worth it. The feeling is so short. There are better things to do and you have 3 very good reasons to keep your cool. Those three little boys need there Dad at home and showing them what it is to really be a strong man. I don't know what time it is there but sleep is good, it saves the body and clears the mind. I know I'm not sleeping much either, but I am sleeping more each day and working on my life and my childrens lifes is helping to mend. Mine walked out on me after 28 years. I am an old guy and I have seen a battle or 2. take it for what it's worth, it's all out of love baby.
BentButNotBroken Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Thank you all for the advice i will put it all into effect all be strong for my kids and myself just try and give here the space she needsa and want i just don't know what i will do if i find her cheating Its a wacky feeling. At least with me it was. The moment i realized it...i was empty and could pretty much handle anything thrown at me the rest if the day. Its like you have come to terms in that instance and its real. Then the crash came later which brought feelings of self value being low, anger at her, anger at the other man, despair...then in hits you. Some quicker then others. Its like you say "whatever" and accept it for what it is...nothing. She was weak and i want to help her, if she doesn't want me too now...then she will have to live with herself. I will go about making myself stand up and shine. When building that, it will make days go quicker and the world is my hands. If she comes around, lets see where i am at and it will be under my terms. **Now you have children involved. Keep in mind that my ordeal does not involve that. So pick and choose what you like out of all the advice you get from everyone but keep writing.
Author JamesG Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 It just seems like it getting harder seeing her come in so late a sneaking in and the boys asking where she is and tell them she is out with friends but my ten year probaly knows whats going on and i just and try to be strong for them and me she just said she is hanging out but not sleeping with them so i just don't know what to do anymore i'm thinking about talking to her family about it so they can talk to her when she is on her vaction down there way and tell them whats going on i already think she told them but i don't know i going to call them tonight
razghoul Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 HI James, Family invlovement isn't good. According to the 180 list. I can't remember which thread I found it on. Look at "lost without my friend. . ." It's on there. Remember that her family is HER family. She is their sister, dauter, aunt and so on. As much as I would love to think that my wifes family would really help me as it's really the only family I have, I am the odd man out. They are Her family. They may tell her you are a mess and falling apart and that won't help the sittuation. Be strong, be tough. You will get through this one way or the other. It is still all to fresh for me as well to be handing out advice, but I realize how many mistakes I have made and felt the reprocussions of my actions thus far. My still doesn't call, when we see eachother it's very cordial but I don't see any improvement. My best advice is follow the 180, pick and choose the advice you get her to best suite your deal. Good luck to you.
phineas Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I am grateful my wife did me the favor of leaving. I tried to get her to leave a few times but she refused. when I caught her with hard evidence she left. Made things so much easier. At least your kids are grown up. My oldest is 3 & my youngest isn't even walking. they will be fine though. I'll make sure of that. So will I. let me ask you this, if she was sleeping with this guy do you think she would tell you? I think until she knows if this man will go the distance she will string you along. I suspect when you hit 180 & keep 180 & only discuss bills, the kids but not each other she will all of a sudden want sex with you. Mine did. after a month & a half of sleeping on the futon then moving out after I caught her sending pictures to OM she would drive the 30 mins. both ways from her dad's to give me a quickie. Over night I was getting laid like when we first started dateing. the sex tappered off when she managed to get OM to cheat on his GF with her. Then she wanted to spend all her time with him because she thought she had him. She was just tossing me a bone once a week by then. I was just like you. allowing all kinds of behaviour that does not belong in a marriage. Personally i'd pack her stuff up & call her parents to let them know she will be staying with them until she decides what she wants. Had I done that two yrs ago when I first suspected an affair my marriage might of survived. But who knows.
seibert253 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 180, 180, 180. Look it up, read it, live it. Go limited contact with her. Even though you live in the same house, give her the space she wants. Speak with her about nothing but finances and the kids. Nothing else. If she texts or calls you, do not answer. She needs to see and feel what life is like without you. Work on yourself. Even is she doesn't want to go to counseling, you go. She needs to see you being a man, standing up for yourself, and preparing for life without her.
LisaUk Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Yep, 180 espically as you are still living together, in addition marriagebusters website, since there may be an EA involved. Hope they help.
razghoul Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Hi James, Are you still with us? How's things going?
Author JamesG Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Hi James, Are you still with us? How's things going? Thrusday night a blew up on her with a bunch of word vomet just kept coming up i told her fine i'm leaving and taking the kids she was furious and didn't want to talk. That didn't last very long she started too say i need to talk to you aND I JUST KEPT WALKING AWEAY FROM HER FOR ABOUT 5 MIN finally i gave in to her and talked about the stuff for a little bit i comed down i then we both went to bed. The next day is when i told her i was taking the kids to my brother house. I packed up some stuff and left for the night. I think things could be changing for the better On friday i took the kids and stayed the night at my brothers house and she wasn't to happy but i told her i would give her time to think by her self i told her on saturday we would talk she would have to make a decission i also told her she was making it easier on me to just want to leave her i told her i was done crying mydself to sleep at nights she cried when i left i took my bank card back and took the truck and left her the beater she wasn't happy about it but she let me go. I basicaly did what she did to me for two weeks turned it all around on her. Saturday came around and she sat me down and told me see wants to try and work things out and gave me a big hug. I told her it sounds good thank you for trying. then all day Friday she kept calling me and texting me and only anserwed her a couple of time. She texted me do you really want to work things out because on my end it doesn't seem like you want to. I called her and said yes i want to really work things out between us I love you. She thought i was ignoring her i just didn't give in all the time when she tried and got a hold of me. That where i'm out right know with her and me tring to work things out.
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Let's get real here. She is having an affair. She going out and not returning home untill late at night with some old fling. Do you think they just sit and talk. Seriously now! You need to get yourself and her tested for all kind of STDs inlcuding HIV. IF you want to work on your marriage, you need to have her handwrite a no contact letter to her affair partner for life, have you proof read it and approve it and YOU mailing it. You need her to be accountable for all her time away from home and be open to you to check her emails, phone, computer, etc. Ofcourse, on the other hand, you need to change your behaviors too. Stop the love busting, and ask her what she needs from you and what needs to stop.
Author JamesG Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Let's get real here. She is having an affair. She going out and not returning home untill late at night with some old fling. Do you think they just sit and talk. Seriously now! You need to get yourself and her tested for all kind of STDs inlcuding HIV. IF you want to work on your marriage, you need to have her handwrite a no contact letter to her affair partner for life, have you proof read it and approve it and YOU mailing it. You need her to be accountable for all her time away from home and be open to you to check her emails, phone, computer, etc. Ofcourse, on the other hand, you need to change your behaviors too. Stop the love busting, and ask her what she needs from you and what needs to stop. The old fling live in California and i'm in Oregon a 8 hour trip
SunRays20 Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 The old fling live in California and i'm in Oregon a 8 hour trip He can't come down for a few days and stay at some motel? Your wife can't meet him for drinks and then spend few hours at his hotel? What about other males that she meets while out late at night? Do you really think she just go out drinking and talking?
Recommended Posts