Been talking to an ex, we are currently FWB, but I think I want more, she doesn't...

[AloneinTexas]

I began speaking to an ex from a year ago (we dated for 6 months) since April. We gradually spoke more and more and finally she mentioned wanting to have me be a "fling" for "hookups" if I was ever in the area. Well we did meet up last week at a hotel and then went to a waterpark the next day. It was great fun., we acted like BF/GF, held hands, cuddled in the hot tub and so forth. Not surprisingly, some of my feelings resurfaced after hooking up a few times and spending the weekend together. That was 2 weeks ago...

 

Before our meetup, she was very strong in regards to contacting me and was quite emotionally charged sexually and showed great interest in me (We had a mutual breakup, though I officially called it off). Since our meeting, her interest has waned a little bit, or her texts seem a bit more aloof (a lot less smileys and less interest in me.)

 

Yesterday we texted back and forth a lot. Being the rookie I am, and instead of continuing to go with the flow, I basically asked her if she sees me as just a "special friend" and if so to just tell me. (I came out with this because I texted her about watching a movie together, and her responses weren't sounding very excited---almost to the point of trying to get a rise/response out of me.) She told me dating me isn't being ruled out, but told me 3 things:

 

1. She said she isn't getting "attached" this time.

2. She is "talking" to other people right now, and doesn't care if I do

3. She wants to not worry about anything, and just go with the flow (time will tell)

4. We agreed to not have sexual activity with others, and if we do, we will inform each other.

 

 

My ex was originally a very needy gf, and it seems wierd she has been able to succesfully "shut off" her feelings for me and just have me for sex and casually date. I have never been in such a situation, and I can forsee one of us getting screwed and hurt in the end. Ultimately, I would like to date her again, but right now, Im pretending to agree with her wishes of being "friends" right now.

 

How do I steer this into a relationship without being needy?

 

I know I will get most people telling me not even do this relationship if my feelings will get hurt (i.e. Im good enough to screw, but not to date) but I wanna stick this out and see what happens. I feel like she was pursuing me 3 weeks ago, now Im pursuing her. The bad news is that if I pull away, she will pull the opposite way.

 

Advice??

[headlesschicken]

i would recommend telling her that you are with/going to be with someone else sexually as per your conversation. her reaction will tell you everything you need to know about if she wants you for a relationship.

[AloneinTexas]

Games. I get it. IS she playing one right now? I have no idea...

 

 

I obviouly can't say this today, as we had our little texting talk yesterday. I wouldnt have found a new sex partner in a day. How long do I wait to say such a thing?

 

And by saying such a thing, I cant renig that. I say it, and she will probably be "thats fine, i met someone too" and it will really F with my head.

 

Ugh

[AloneinTexas]

Headless, can you give me 2 examples of either direction her response would go? I am retarded sometimes and need things spelled out. How do I word this to her if I do it? Is this a better route than just saying "hey, I realize I am your backup plan or what-have-you but I am removing myself from this situation as to not get hurt. hope you find what you are looking for."

 

Or is that not good

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dude just wear condoms... and continue to pipe her down.

 

Why are you so quick to make her your girlfriend again? just because she's there for you in that way doesnt mean she's gonna be emotionally attached to you again. So just continue laying the pipe down and dont wife her down.

 

That isnt what she wants. and it's not what you deserve for yourself.

 

think about it.

[mammax3]

It's not a relationship, and you can't steer it into one. That would be controlling or manipulation - not a good way for relationships to go. She point blank told you that it's not a relationship.

 

Using that information, you've got options:

- Be with her in whatever capacity she's asking you to be (and risk the hurt, the potential STI's, behavior change to neediness, minimal potential at subsequent relationship)

 

or

 

- Go find a partner who can be in a relationship with you (and risk the hurt, the personal growth, fufilment, love)

 

or

 

- Chill out on your own, date a few women, learn about women and men and relationships.