Reggie Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 On the exposure deal, many counselors feel it gives you the best chance at breaking the affair, which is said to be the first step toward recovery. But, you don't do it gratuitously to all acquaintences. I think you are supposed to do it only to those either directly affected or to those you feel can bring pressure to bear on the affair in the form of consequences or disapproval based on their relationship. Don't rule out exposure.
Gamine Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 She's stuck in a dream where starting over with someone new is the answer to her 'not getting what she needs' from a relationship. The missing ingredient here is that she is seeking 'what she needs' from any source and that is a problem with her wiring. There is a difference between simply 'getting what she needs' from any source and needing it from you in particular. I don't think it is necessarily a reflection on what you have or haven't done... or for that matter what you were available to give or not. Affairs usually originate within a needy person. What I mean by that is that some people are complete and able to manage their own minds and emotions while others require others from the outside to facilitate or complete themselves. Without the external 'other' to facilitate, they are almost incapable of functioning. It is as if the person is not whole on their own... and when their 'mate' is absorbed in something else they must have these NEEDS met or their life comes crashing down. I remember thinking that I needed 'someone' to make 'me' happy. No one can make you happy but yourself. When I was 28 years old I decided to no longer look for someone to complete me and I bought an old historic house that needed serious renovation. I spent a few years doing most of the interior work including floor refinishing, painting, plastering... you name it... on my own. I got to see firsthand what I was capable of. People drove by the house commenting that for the first time in many, many years the house looked happy and bright. I learned who I was in the midst of all of that work. Paying my own mortgage, rolling up my sleeves. I learned I was strong. When my husband and I met I was independent and strong but LOVED HIM and showered him with all of me. I needed him in particular for his love and companionship. I didn't simply just NEED. So when our marriage became boring and the hot stuff left the relationship I did without and waited for it to return from him. Because I didn't have simply JUST NEEDS to be filled from any man, but my needs were specific to things only he could bring... because it was him I loved... I turned only to him. It didn't matter if he wasn't bringing his 'A game' all of the time. I wrongfully assumed it was the same way for him and when our patch of crap emerged in our marriage I learned the hard way that he wasn't like me. He was needy. So 'sex on a platter' shows up from a woman who wasn't happy in her marriage and searching for a way out. My husband found an easy answer to get his needs met and she found a way to leave her husband and keep her life running without skipping a beat. Needs. They did their thing for a couple of months, said all of the words people say when in an affair, and when I learned of the tryst he ended it on the spot. There was no contact between them from that day forward. What would I have done if he didn't end it? Why I would have ordered him out of the house that second. From a woman's perspective, I think your wife might well respond from being ordered to leave the family home thusly disrupting her life immensely. Allow her to live the reality of her choice NOW. You cannot lose something if it is truly yours. You cannot lose her if she is truly yours. The key in ordering her from the home is that she will not have the comforts of the home or her routine as a source of comfort for her. This may jar her into reality especially when she brings her lover to task. Odds are tremendously in your favor that when she shows up with her bags packed he'll run for cover. As she is ordered to leave the marital home... I would simultaneously contact her lover's wife and clue her in. Watch what happens. If you are able to force her to make a choice between the two of you ... you may wind up with a woman who continues to fantasize about having her needs met by some fantasy lover and even if she gives this one up... may remain deluding herself always searching. Let the fantasy explode. Destroy the fantasy. She'll be hurt, yes. But you may need to orchestrate tough love in order to help her correct her own life. Other men will no longer be such a fantasy driven form of preoccupation. To fix this, you make have to break it.
Author dleeg5199 Posted September 4, 2009 Author Posted September 4, 2009 It has been quite some time since I have posted on here. I have spent some time reading but have not posted. Since my last post, a lot has happened. First, let me start by saying the affair is over and we are on the road to recovery. About 4 weeks ago, my wife's family started getting suspicious of her actions. Her sister actually confronted her and accused her of having an affair. Of course she denied everything, but this was the beginning of the end. Her mother and brother also did the same thing about one week later. She almost had a break down and I think it was because her fantasy world was crashing down around her. The next week, 2 weeks from today, she told me that he contacted her and told her that his wife knew something was going on. This made him become nervous as well. My wife was still telling me that it was only and EA and that it was coming to an end but she would not stop contacting him. I actually did not think his wife knew anything and he was just trying to speed up the decision of leaving her. Well, last Friday I had finally had enough (I now realize I wish I would have done this a long, long time ago). I made a phone call to his wife to see if she did actually know anything. We talked for about 1 hour and both found out some things. She told me that she had known for about 3 weeks and she was trying to determine what she wanted to do. She is a lawyer and she did not know if she wanted to stay or divorce him. I decided that would also go see this man myself. He would not answer his phone so I went to his work. I confronted him and told him that it had to end. He told me that he was going to call my wife and tell her not to contact him again and he did. My wife was very upset with me but I told her I was not going to lose my marriage without fighting for it because I knew she was in the affair fog. Well, later that afternoon, my wife called me and told me that his wife had served him with divorce papers and served her to appear in court as a witness. I think this finally woke both of them up. He was about to lose everything and she was about to be ruined. We spent a lot of time talking last Friday night and Saturday. She told me that she was sorry and that it was a mistake. She also admitted that it was a full blown affair. It was actually physical before it was emotional. I always knew that it was physical in my gut, but did not expect it to be physical first. Anyway, the past Monday I talked to the OM wife again and they had talked all weekend. She has decided to try to work it out with him as well. We both feel like we can have better marriages because of this, but know we have a lot of hard work ahead of us. There has been no contact since last Friday. My wife spent most of the weekend grieving and she has had some tough times this week. I think I am having a harder time dealing with knowing everything than she is trying to get over it. She has told me thank you for giving her a second chance with our marriage. I don't know what the future holds, but at least we have a legitimate chance now that the affair is over. The last thing I want to say, is if anyone is reading this and wondering what to do to end an affair that your spouse is having, take the advice of many here. Expose it to the people they care about the most. Not until my wife's family found out did this mean much to her. I only wish I would have told them months ago rather than waiting for them to figure it out themselves. I was trying to protect my wife and she was running all over me. You will be surprised how quick they will wake up when the fantasy is replaced with reality.
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