dleeg5199 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 My story is very similar to many others that I have read on this forum. I will try my best to put it into words. I mainly am doing this as another form of communicating what I am going through and how we are trying to deal with it. My wife and I have been together for 13 years, married for 10. We have 3 children (7,4, and 2). We are both 35 years old. The past 1 1/2 years has been very stressfull on us. I was completely clueless to the feelings that my wife was having or really not having. Last September, we began building a house. I spent much of my time involved in this project. This was suppose to be our dream house. I was doing this because I thought it was what she wanted, only to find out that really was not the case. In the past, she never really told me when she was not happy or did not want something. She always carried herself as if everything was fine. We did not have the best communication with each other. We did talk and got along well and I always thought everything was fine. I have since found out that she had needs that I was not meeting. While I was dealing with the house, I was not at home much, which left her with the kids by herself. Last October, she began talking to a male friend and confiding in him some of her issues. At first, it was only on a friend basis. This went on until March before I knew anything about it. I was blind to the fact that anyting was wrong, so I was not looking for anything. We finished the house and moved in at the beginning of March. It was a very hectic time so I really did not notice how distant she had become. One day later in March, I happend to review the cell bill. I noticed many, many calls and text sent and received from the same number that I did not recognize. I decided to call the number and find out who it was. Much to my surprise, a man answered. I was in shock and did not know what to think. I did confront my wife about this. Up until this time, we were still living our lifes like normal. We had just returned from a cruise we took for our 10 year anniversary and we had a great time. The cell phone bill showed that she sent him 2 text while we were on the cruise. My wife insisted that they were just friends and they were involved in some stuff that dealt with work and she need to ask him something. I really blew up because I said that nothing work related was so important that she needed to ask him while we were on our cruise. Well, for the next 2 months, she continued to talk to him against my request for her to stop. I told her how it made me feel and that I was not comfortable with it. She insisted they were nothing more than friends and it meant nothing. Well, I found a card that he had given her that expressed much more than friendship. She said that she did not feel that way, it was only him. Of course, I did not believe this and I began snooping around to find more proof. Finally, late June, I was able to find out that she had created another email account. I found some emails that she had sent him stated how happy she was with him and that she could not wait to be with him every second of their lives. When I confronted her with them, she got angry and told me that she had not been happy for a long time and she was not sure what she wanted. She did not want me to leave her, but she did not know if she could ever have real feelings for me again. She stated that she did still love me, but she had fallen in love with him too. I told her that this relationship must stop. If she wanted to be with me, she must stop all communication with him. She said it was not that simple. She told me that nothing physical has happened between them because she will not allow that to happen. Not sure I believe that because she has been lieing to me about everything for so long. She could be lieing about this also. I have read just about everything you can find online about emotional affairs. I know that we will never truely begin our healing process until she can end all contact with him. The is so much material that says you should give them two options, either stop it now and work on our marriage, or if not, I am leaving and it is over. I want to save our marriage, but I do not want to force her to come back to me because I don't think it will give us a chance to regain true feelings. There is so much information that says you can not force someone to come back. They have to do it for themself. They have to want to or they may go back and do it again. I have read so much conflicting information and they both make sense. I should say end it or its over and I should back off and giver her space to come back to our marriage. I do believe that she loves me and she does want us to stay together. Regarding counseling, I went last week for a session by myself and she went yesterday by herself. We go tomorrow as a couple. She is open and willing to do this, so this does give me some hope. The only thing is she has not reached the point of completely cutting off contact with the other person. He has told her that he will leave his wife if he could be with her. She told him not to do that because she does know if she wants to be with him. I want to believe that this is just a phase that we are going through and it will pass. I know we have alot of hard work ahead of us, but I think we can get through this. I would love to hear comments from anyone that may help me through this tough time.
Snowflower Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Welcome, dleeg. You have come to the right place for advice...I will leave that to other posters who have been through something similar to what you have posted here. I'm sure they'll chime in soon. It sounds like you are keeping a level head during this very difficult time for you. This is good...but as others here will tell you, your wife must ABSOLUTELY go NC with this other guy before the two of you can even begin to sort out your relationship. Also, don't underestimate an EA. Many spouses (sorry, it is usually the husbands who think this) often feel initially that it is "just an EA" and nothing to worry about since it hasn't gone physical. However, an EA seriously threatens a marriage because it weakens or even destroys the bonds that hold a married couple together. It is also very difficult for a WS to break free of the 'affair fog' that is very strong in an EA. From what you post here, it certainly appears that your wife is in this 'fog.' Best of luck to you...you'll need it!
seibert253 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 No it is not a phase, and no it will not pass. It is an affair, it is wrong, and it will not stop unless you help end it. What to do: 1. Buy the book, Not just Friends. I'm not exactly sure of the title, but look around here, you'll find it. Read it, then give it to your wife. Tell her if the last 10 years of marriage means anything, she will read this 2. Start the 180. Look it up here, read it, and live it. It will be the hardest thing you ever did, but you MUST do this if your marriage can be saved. 3. Affairs thrive in the fantasy world. In her A world, she's living in the fantasy. So, how do you end the fantasy? Exposure. Is the OM married, does he have a girlfriend? If so don't you think his wife/girlfriend deserves to know what's going on? Also, does her and your family know what's going on, how about her close friends? They could be valuable allies. Yeah she's gonna be pissed, but she chose this battle 4. Draw a line in the sand, stand your ground. Confront her again. Do this after you've been doing the 180 for awhile. She will notice the change in you and you'll get the "what's wrong"? Fine she asked, you tell. Tell her how this IS an emotional affair. It is wrong, and it is disrespectful to you and your marriage. Let her know you love her more than anything, and will work to repair this. But unless she does the following, you will file for divorce. Draw your line. 1. End all contact with the OM 2. Complete transparency on all email and cellphones 3. MC and IC counseling for both of you. These are not negotiable. Right now your wife is deep in the affair fog. She needs a shock to shake her out of it. Contact an attorney ASAP. You may need to file and have her served in order for her to get her wake up call. But, take care of yourself and your children. This is no longer about her or what she wants. This is about doing whats best for you. You do not deserve a lying cheating wife. But, most of all you MUST STAND UP AND REMAIN STRONG. Believe it or not your wife wants a strong man that will fight for her. Good Luck and keep up posted.
2sure Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Rest assured, it isnt a phase. This is a crisis. A turning point . Recognize that. By being polite and understanding you are not preparing, even yourself for what this is. Its a fight. Maybe not exactly against anyone...but a fight to save your marriage. Recovering from infidelity is possible and after the crisis has been brought to light, a turning point reached...a marriage and relationship can be better than it was. Can. But the first thing that has to happen before you even talk about the marriage, or anyone's feelings...is the A has to STOP. Your wife can miss him, she can still be confused...but stopping the affair, creates a window of opportunity for your marriage and family. If she wont even do that...you are going to have to some heavy lifting. First: just because MM says he will leave his wife...means nothing. Might even mean the opposite. CONTACT HIS WIFE. Do this for your marriage. You have nothing to lose. The affair has to be revealed or it will continue . Period. Next: Talk to a lawyer. Why are you allowing your marriage to crumble according to her terms. You have terms too, fidelity is one of them right?
Bryanp Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 If the OM told her he was willing to leave his wife for her then the chances are pretty good the relationship was physical with your wife.
Shockedhusband Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 dleeg5199 Wow, you could almost confuse you story with mine, substituting grad school in place of house building and subtract the kids. Let me be perfectly clear with you, marriage counseling will do nothing if she has not stopped all contact with the OM. It will be nothing more than a complete waste of money. She needs to go through the withdraw and get her self out of the EA fog before anything will start clicking in her mind. I went through 5 marriage counseling session and it had no effect on my marriage becuase my wife couldn't see through the fog of her EA. I gave her two choices end contact and work on the marriage or divorce. She chose divorce. Follow the advice from the members here and go to marriage builders. However always remember nothing and I mean NOTHING will change unless the contact has ended.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 He has told her that he will leave his wife if he could be with her This guys wife needs to know the truth. Find who he is and get his number, call her and let her know what's been going on. The affair will definately end, or atleast be harder if both you and his wife are keeping an eye on them.
choklit Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 dleeg, I am in the midst of ending a recent A which lasted the same time frame as your W and it was an EA and PA. Definitely still in a fog. I am not condoning this behavior in any manner, only giving you how I feel which may be similar to what she is experiencing. Unlike your wife, I spoke with my H on several occasions, begging, pleading, and crying for what I was missing in our marriage. Nothing changed and this lasted for 2yrs. Looking back, I should have just separated vs. making such a poor choice. It has definitely been difficult to end contact completely, this OM was filling an emotional void that I had for so long. My counselor suggests that for some, a weaning process is necessary. I have been made accountable by telling my H that we are still in rare contact and keep a log of any contact. It has really helped me. However, I experience so much guilt, confusion, anger, shame, resentment, and fear. I love my husband, I love my children but I am in the process of receiving guidance to assist me. Despite my awareness of what is spiritually right and what is ultimately best for my children and my M, I could not end it on my own. I needed professional help. MC and IC has assisted as far as communication within our marriage, reinforcement of God's purpose for marriage, what we are both desiring within our marriage, and ways to fulfill those desires. I have received so much heat as far as "you don't love your H", "you just end it", and so much more. I have endured so much confusion in the past few months as far as will I ever be happy, will I make my H happy, will he really forgive me, should I stay or leave. It is your choice whether to serve her papers, be patient(for how long though), or give her an ultimatum.
seibert253 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 It's great to see you're both in counseling. That's a BIG plus. But, with that being said, unless the OM is out the picture, you're spinning your wheels. Your wife will be dragged in two different directions, and keep stringing you along as well while she "makes up her mind". Let her know you are committed to fixing your marriage and making it better than ever, but you will not wait forever for her to figure out if she wants to remain married to you. Tell her she can make a gesture to her intentions by ending contact with the OM. This will be a start, then you can continue to work from there. Hopefully she will do it willingly and remain committed to NC. If she doesn't, then eventually you come to a point where you will have to give her the ultimatum; him or me. Your wife is still deep in the fog. Let her know your intentions are to stay married, but you are also going to prepare for life without her. Let her know your contacting an attorney to protect yourself and your children. Contact the OM's wife and let her know what's going on. Sound's like he's also in the fog. Nothing snaps a man out of the fog quicker than being served with D Papers, and coming home and finding the locks changed on the doors. Also, you do not leave your home. Period. If anyone leaves, she does. but I suggest against this. If she moves out, it gives her unmonitered access to OM. Most married couples who seperate, usually do not get back together. So do your best to keep her around the home. But, if she's rubbing the affair in your face, calling or texting while you're in the other room, or your in bed, and she's on the computer IMing him love dovey details. Well then it's time for her to go. She doesn't have any respect for you, or your marriage. Pretty much a lost case by then.
jnj express Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 You are getting some excellent advice. You cannot sit and do nothing, and hope she will come out of the fog. If you are soft about the A., she will just continue it. She is a master at lying and deception, as has been proven by what she has already done to you, lying for a period of time looking right in your eyes, and saying everything was normal. She knows how to go underground, you must put a stop to this. You know your choices, Work on R., or get a D. You don't have to rush to any decisions, but you must put a stop to this A., RIGHT NOW.
Author dleeg5199 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Thanks to everyone for your comments. I have been trying my best to get her to end all contact, but we always end up in a fight. She tells me that the things I say just push her further away from me. I really am at a loss right now. I am going to see how our couples session goes and then go from there. This is so hard on me because I know what I want. I want to be with my wife, but I have reached the point where I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Maybe she will wake up before it is to late.
jwi71 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 dleeg, First..I'm terribly sorry to meet you under such circumstances. Wasting your time and money right now. Sorry but you are. Your W is in what we refer to as the 'A fog' (affair fog). She is so absorbed in her OM and the role(s) he plays...she will go to great extremes to keep him in her life. After all, she risked her marriage and her own children to be with him. 1) You cant compete with him. You WILL lose. And its not about you, its about the fantasy of him. Your W has idealized him to the point of perfection. And you? Well, your tens years of reality...bills, diapers, stress and all. Gee...who do you think wins that competition...you or cough Mr Perfect? 2) Expose this potentially marriage ending crisis to EVERYONE. Your family, her family, co-workers, church congregation...the world. Affairs can ONLY survive in secrecy and darkness. Deny it that. Take this fantasy of him and expose it to the real world. And this means telling the OM's wife and family as well. Not to humiliate anyone (your W will claim this) but to end their A and save your M. Dont warn anyone...simply gather all your evidence, and email it, print it out and mail it to them all or even just make packets and hand them out to friends and family. You MUST do this because if you DONT, your W will lie and try to minimize it...she will make you out to be crazy jealous. Make no mistake my friend...youre in a war to save your W and your M...to hell with fair or pride. 3) Enforce NC (no contact). She MUST divulge all email accounts, passwords, IM, cell phone, work email...all of it. Now. This too is not negotiable. She will not like this...and will likely refuse. Remember point one above...HE is more important than YOU and YOUR FAMILY to her. Dont think so? Isnt she choosing him over you? And your kids? Think about it...think about what she is risking for him. Its that bad my friend. She certifiably ends all contact. This also means if they work together...your W quits. Now. 4) Hire a lawyer. Get sound legal advice here and now over your rights in a divorce. Learn the process and the rules from a trained professional. And tell your wife this as well...tell her you are seeking legal counsel. Don't threaten, just inform. She wants to know why...tell her. Youre looking for information on at fault divorce based on adultery and what it means and the steps and process involved. I think you will need these facts moving forward. Encourage your W to do the same. 5) Have yourself and your W tested for STDs and pregnancy. You cant believe her when she says they were not intimate. This also means that if you choose to continue to be intimate with your wife...condoms are a must. 6) YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Its not your fault. You're not "pushing her away". That's total BS (bull****) . Out of all the possible ways to handle this, your W choose this path...not an accident. Not a mistake. A carefully planned and orchestrated betrayal. You sir, are innocent in her choice to cheat. 7) Accept you did contribute to a less than perfect marriage. Examine yourself, your own faults and failings. Work on them in IC. I hope you see the subtle difference between 6 and 7. (Not that any union is perfect...ha!) 8) Be prepared to kick her out of the house. Or leave yourself. Run this by your lawyer in 4 above. Also discuss it in IC and MC. You may need the separation for her to rediscover all the roles and needs YOU fill. At this point, she has YOU and HIM in her life. Remove yourself. Let Mr Perfect go from part-time fantasy to reality. Reality has a way of killing affairs.... Its the beginning of a years long brutal fight. Im sorry, but the next 2 years will suck. For me...well I divorced my WS (wayward spouse)...and my kids are fine, Im 1000% better and life is looking up again...it does end for you...its simply a question of how...together or divorced? Fight...fight hard and dont play fair...
reservoirdog1 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 God, it pissed me off reading your posts in this thread. What were you supposed to be, a frigging mind reader? You were spending all that time building the dream house for both of you. And she couldn't once come to you and ASK for what she needed in order to be happy, but instead went and started an affair with another man? She had other options, and instead chose the easiest, most selfish and most destructive option. Just like my XW. And, don't deceive yourself. This was a PA, not just an EA. There are a few things you should do: 1. Make an appointment to get tested for STDs, and tell her you're doing it. Don't be afraid to tell her that you're doing it because you don't believe her. 2. Put her to an ultimatum, before you go to the counselling session (which, I agree, will be useless if she's still in contact with the OM). Tell her the she can have him in her life, or you. NOT both. And give her 24 hours to decide. Don't fall for her crap about how it's "not that easy" - I'm sorry, but whose prolem is that? Not yours. She's been taking the easy route for ages. Now she has to make a hard choice. Oh, and don't fall for the "this will drive me further away" crap. That's emotional blackmail. Stand firm. Don't back down on any of this. And if she won't go NC immediately, see a lawyer and let her know you're doing so. Shock and awe. Good luck, man.
Author dleeg5199 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 jwi71 You make some valid points. Some I agree with and some that I do not. 2) Expose this potentially marriage ending crisis to EVERYONE. Your family, her family, co-workers, church congregation...the world. Affairs can ONLY survive in secrecy and darkness. Deny it that. Take this fantasy of him and expose it to the real world. And this means telling the OM's wife and family as well. Not to humiliate anyone (your W will claim this) but to end their A and save your M. Dont warn anyone...simply gather all your evidence, and email it, print it out and mail it to them all or even just make packets and hand them out to friends and family. You MUST do this because if you DONT, your W will lie and try to minimize it...she will make you out to be crazy jealous. Make no mistake my friend...youre in a war to save your W and your M...to hell with fair or pride. I do not agree with this viewpoint. Exposing this to everyone that we know can not possibly do any good for our marriage. How would running her name in the ground to everyone make her ever want to be with me again? I know if someone wanted to work something out with me, this would not be the way to do it. 3) Enforce NC (no contact). She MUST divulge all email accounts, passwords, IM, cell phone, work email...all of it. Now. This too is not negotiable. She will not like this...and will likely refuse. Remember point one above...HE is more important than YOU and YOUR FAMILY to her. Dont think so? Isnt she choosing him over you? And your kids? Think about it...think about what she is risking for him. Its that bad my friend. She certifiably ends all contact. This also means if they work together...your W quits. Now. I know this has to be done. However, this is where I am stuck. I see her very similar to a drug addict. My sister was addicted to drugs a few years ago and my parents did everything they could to get her off of them. They forced her to rehab twice and she always turned back to the drugs. One day, she finally decide for herself that she was going to get clean and she did and has been ever since. I believe affairs are very similar. I can force her to end it and come back to me, but her chances of going back would be greater. Again, thanks for the feedback.
Teslacoil Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 What were you supposed to be, a frigging mind reader? You were spending all that time building the dream house for both of you. And she couldn't once come to you and ASK for what she needed in order to be happy, but instead went and started an affair with another man? She had other options, and instead chose the easiest, most selfish and most destructive option. Just like my XW. Yup. It sucks when people are this selfish. I'll add cowardly to your list too. The person who acts like this is so terrified of confrontation that instead of confronting you about the weaknesses in the marriage and working on them, she begins a secret affair. I'm flabbergasted that the wife of the OP won't agree to NC with the object of the EA. What is her possible reason not to? She's admitted to having an emotional affair, and now she says "it's not that simple" to initiating NC? She expects that you'll just allow her to continue her EA? Your wife needs to realize that the marriage will never heal while she is still pouring emotional energy into the affair. She has a choice to make. She can either choose the marriage, or choose the affair. They will not both win. If you Marriage Counselor is worth his/her salt, he/she will explain this to her.
seibert253 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I think your MC sesson will give you a better handle on what you need to do in this situation. One thing is a given. In order for your marriage to survive, she must END ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM. No if's and's or but's about it. I imagine after your session, you will know how to proceed. But, be weary of your counselor. If you have one that basically sides with you wife, and tells you, you just need to back off, blah, blah, blah, it's OK if she still talks to the OM, they are WRONG. Find another counseler. You will not LOVE YOUR WIFE back into your marriage. The thought that "I will just show her unconditional love, and she will eventually see I'm the right one for her", most often does not work. Nothing will change because she is suffering no consequences for her actions. As you stated, this is like a drug. There's only one thing the breaks an addict, cold turkey. See how your session goes, get back with us, then TOGETHER, we will help you get through this. Go into this striving and fighting to win this war. You have to look at it in that prospective, because it is a war for your marriage. In war you fight to win, BY WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY. If that means you have to be a d#ck and expose what's going on to everybody, so be it. Hopefully you will not have to go nuclear with the ultimatum, choose him or me. But, be prepared it may come to that. It did in my case, and it worked. This is crystal clear, choose him and stay and work this out, or choose him, pack your things and get out. In any instance after tonights session, you need to contact an attorney and learn of your rights. Hopefully you will not need their services, but you have to prepare for the worse, hope for the best. Keep us updated Good Luck and God Bless
Author dleeg5199 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Yup. It sucks when people are this selfish. I'll add cowardly to your list too. The person who acts like this is so terrified of confrontation that instead of confronting you about the weaknesses in the marriage and working on them, she begins a secret affair. I'm flabbergasted that the wife of the OP won't agree to NC with the object of the EA. What is her possible reason not to? She's admitted to having an emotional affair, and now she says "it's not that simple" to initiating NC? She expects that you'll just allow her to continue her EA? Your wife needs to realize that the marriage will never heal while she is still pouring emotional energy into the affair. She has a choice to make. She can either choose the marriage, or choose the affair. They will not both win. If you Marriage Counselor is worth his/her salt, he/she will explain this to her. This is one reason I am waiting to see our our first couples session goes. I have told my wife that we have no chance until NC happens. I think she knows that but hearing it from me has a form of me controlling her. Hearing it from someone else may have more meaning. Also, I want to clear up something. My wife did try to tell me things were wrong. However, we would always end up going back to normal and I thought things were fixed. You know how us men need reminding of things several times. I think she got tired of reminding. That is what I blame myself for, not really listening to her problems. Does that warrant what she did, no, but I have read so many stories similar that I know why women do it.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 ok maybe i can give you an interesting perspective here,i am a 36 year mm/wh who had an ea that quickly became a pa with a married mother of 3.. It started as the usual Ea,her H wasnt giving her what she needed or fulfilling her needs blah blah blah,make no mistake that an Ea will most likely become a Pa, mine did shorty after we started talking,she needed so much and i was there and more willing to oblige and vice versa, it gave me a feeling of power that she needed me so much, heck i had my cake and was eating it too.... so having been through this and having first hand experience ,the bottom line is..if he is writing her cards and expressing his deep feelings,if she is texting him from a cruise ship and if he is saying he will leave his wife for her MAKE NO MISTAKE THIS IS A PA NOW and you must deal with it as such...she can give you all the stories she wants but when people are deep in an A,the lies and the coverup go with the territory, so if she is saying things and you dont beleive them or your gut tells you otherwise, you are most likely right and should stick with your instincts. The mind of a woman who is lonely or not happy in her M is an easy one to manipulate and unfortunately it sounds like your W has been sucked right into the trap of this mm and is probably deep in the A fog and she cant possibly make any logical decisions right now, no counseling will help her until she goes full and i mean FULL NC with this guy. I went full nc with my mw and i will tell you it is the best thing i ever did, i was actually able to clear my head a bit and start to make decisons.this has to be done, i know you cant force her and you dont want to have to police her but if she cant do it then your m has absolutely no shot of any survival. I am not a saint and i am only 3 weeks since dday(i confessed by the way) and if you read my posts you will see i am going through plenty of my own stuff right now but i am trying to maybe help others when i can on here, hope this helps you a bit... i wish you the best of luck..
seibert253 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I second what NOTSURE7 just stated. Third. Everyone's right on. Nothing will work until NC is started and maintained.
misternoname Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Been there done that and IT SUCKS! My (now ex) wife did almost precisely the same thing and gave me the same BS you're hearing now. It took some deep digging and detective work on my part to uncover the ugly truth. The so called "we're just friends and I can confide in him" was utter nonsense. Their "relationship" started out sexual and was still going on even after I had busted them. Unfortunately it wasn't her first nor would it turn out to be her last EA. Here's the mistakes I made over the course of a 24 year sham of a marriage... 1. After discovering the first affair, which occurred very early in our marriage when we were both very young, I tried the old forgive and forget. 2. Second affair I wrote off as her feeling undesirable post babies. Again forgive and forget. 3. Third affair...oh it was just a mid life crisis...I'll do everything in my power to make her want me again. 4. Fourth AND last EA...ultimatum time. It was going to be on my terms once and for all. No more contact, no more secret email accounts, no more locked phones, hidden bills etc. She didn't like the idea of having to "live with a spy!" I felt like she lost any right to privacy. If she wanted to work on the marriage then it was HER duty to regain my trust and not my job to look the other way again. She wouldn't even try. The end result was a separation where she later admitted during a feeble attempt at reconciliation that she had indeed hooked up with the dude one more time after she moved out. Shortly after moving out she got picked up at the same bar she had met dude #4 at by a never married, 5 years her junior, pilot. They've been together for a little over a year and got engaged a few months after our divorce. To make things even more bizarre, I recently found out she was banging yet another dude after meeting fly boy but he forgave her and still proposed! He even knows about her past affairs but he "loves her too much for any of that to matter." I guess my point is this...leopards don't change their spots. I think the vast majority of people that cheat have a character flaw that creates adultery. I'm sure there are exceptions to the rule. Some folks may spin out of control and get caught up in an affair, later regret it, are truly remorseful and can be trusted but I think they're few and far between. Proceed with caution and by all means firmly set the ground rules. If she is unwilling or unable to comply with whatever parameters allow you to move forward bail out and save yourself future agony. My analogy is this. My marriage was a wound that never healed...I wasted years of my life slowly and painfully peeling back a bandaid. I wish I had just ripped it off quickly and got the pain over with. I'm doing much better. I've been dating a fantastic lady for over a year. It's so refreshing not having to constantly obsess over what my SO is doing, where she is, etc. Be brave...life 2.0 exists!
misternoname Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Forget to address one of your topics... We both went to counseling individually. When we finally had a joint session with HER counselor I pled my case for NC. Her counselor told her that NC was absolutely positively a must in order for us to move forward. She asked my wife point blank if she was willing and able to cease any and all contact with the other dude. She cried and said that we were "backing her into a corner" and couldn't answer the question. I stood up and said to her "it's a very simple yes or no question." Her reply was "I don't know." I left the session and contacted an attorney that afternoon. Never looked back.
NOTSURE7 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I second what NOTSURE7 just stated. wow, if they are actually agreeing with me rather than bashing me then i am definetely right..lol
jwi71 Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 jwi71 I do not agree with this viewpoint. Exposing this to everyone that we know can not possibly do any good for our marriage. How would running her name in the ground to everyone make her ever want to be with me again? I know if someone wanted to work something out with me, this would not be the way to do it. Um...you're wife isn't working things out with you...she's having an affair. And she isn't interested in letting him go either...hence the fights. I hate to be blunt...but in her mind YOU are the problem and HE is the solution - thats why HE's so hard to give up. And she wont. Like your analogy of the drug addict (VERY apt btw) they don't willingly on their own accord stop taking the drug. They have to hit the bottom first...and what do you suppose that means for you, your M and your kids? Of course, another way to help an addict is an intervention, the coming together of friends and family to save them...which necessitates said friends and family knowing. I know this has to be done. However, this is where I am stuck. I see her very similar to a drug addict. My sister was addicted to drugs a few years ago and my parents did everything they could to get her off of them. They forced her to rehab twice and she always turned back to the drugs. One day, she finally decide for herself that she was going to get clean and she did and has been ever since. I believe affairs are very similar. I can force her to end it and come back to me, but her chances of going back would be greater. Oh...well now this is easy. If you aren't prepared to fight for your M, then quit now and file for the divorce. Because MC is WORTHLESS if your W is still having the A. Nothing will change and it will get progressively worse for you, for her and your kids. Don't suffer in silence...gather your friends and family to help you go through the divorce (which oddly enough will require you to tell them why). Im obviously a big fan of telling...it really helps...at least for me it did. And I'll tell you how it helped. It got more eyes on her, more pressure on her to end the A. Instead of me just suffering through it alone...I had shoulders to cry and spies to watch her. And guess what they found out...she lied to me, her parents, our MC, my family and everyone else and tried to reignite her A...I was informed of that break in NC and kicked her to the curb. In fact, I was given a copy of the email account and the emails from one of her friends with a conscience. Thats what you face. Again, thanks for the feedback. Thats what we're here for...take what you need, what you agree with and disregard the rest. I hope it ends in a way that leaves you with few regrets... But you gotta fight...you CAN save the marriage...it CAN be done...
seibert253 Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I never had to expose to "everyone", only a chosen few. That was enough in my case. One of the fog busters. You need to find the right combination for it to work. In my case it was the ultimatium, him or me, and if it's me, you will do x,y,and z, or NO DEAL. I gave her one week to decide. She waffled for a few days, I contacted an attorney and D papers drawn. After she read them and saw I ment business, BAM. Fog lifted. Moving forward ever since.
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