bitteorca Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Hey, I smoke. I want to quit but I'm still a smoker at the moment! (I bet most smokers want to quit actually!). I was just wondering, is it really impolite to have a cigarette on the first date? Like if we go for a drink, would it be rude to have a cigarette? I also kind of want to warn her. Ask her in a text if she smokes and get the inevitable question back 'do you?' so I can tell her, is that a bad idea? I kind of wanna come clean before I go out with her for a drink. Part of me says have a cigarette before you go and one after you get back, but I am a smoker and will probably want one at some point on the date, nervousness and anxiousness can come to light when on a first date and I don't want to make matters worse! As you can probably tell, its not like I am a proud smoker! Any advice would be appreciated thanks
carhill Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 You're a smoker. Straight up. Own it. It will limit who will want to date you, just like some women don't like bald guys like me (I could get hair implants, you know ). Such disclosures (my baldness and your smoking) should be made very early if personal contact wasn't involved upon meeting. IMO, do what you do. If you smoke when you're out having drinks, do that. FWIW, both my parents smoked and I never have....
Confusedalways Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Eeek, I'm a person who hates smoking and would DEFINITELY rather be warned ahead of the date rather than all of a sudden 'mind if I light up?' Honestly i'd say go for that text, and if she says no, explain what you explained here about how you'd really like to quit and hope she doesn't mind if you smoke on the date or whatever.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I agree with carhill. You are what you are, own it. Otherwise, we may see a post on here in 6 months along these lines: "Hi everyone, I've been dating this guy for about six months now, and it's been great! He's funny, charming, good in bed, the works. But I just found out that he's a smoker and has been hiding it from me from the beginning! I am so confused, if I had known I never would have dated him..." PS. I smoke.
Author bitteorca Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 interesting answers guys, thanks! I suppose I just want to know whether I should tell her before our first date, with the potential to put her off even getting to know me; don't smoke at all on our first date; or let her know when I'm actually there with a casual phrase as 'mind if I light up?' as Confusedalways puts it! I would never conceal such a thing for such a vast amount of time. Hmmm...smoking is so stupid! Look at how I'm on a forum ummming and arrring about what to do! So you reckon I should go with the text idea to find out what she thinks? She could say something like 'I hate smoking!', she could say 'I have the odd one when I'm out', or she could just say 'nah, are you?' haha ahhh so complicated
aloneanddepressed Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I think you could respect her enough to not actually smoke on the first date. Even if she is ok with smoking, are you telling me you can't put that aside for one date? I think unless you are going to a bar, its rude whether she approves or not. You could briefly mention it on the date or the second one, but to actually start smoking.....sorry I guess I don't like smoking interesting answers guys, thanks! I suppose I just want to know whether I should tell her before our first date, with the potential to put her off even getting to know me; don't smoke at all on our first date; or let her know when I'm actually there with a casual phrase as 'mind if I light up?' as Confusedalways puts it! I would never conceal such a thing for such a vast amount of time. Hmmm...smoking is so stupid! Look at how I'm on a forum ummming and arrring about what to do! So you reckon I should go with the text idea to find out what she thinks? She could say something like 'I hate smoking!', she could say 'I have the odd one when I'm out', or she could just say 'nah, are you?' haha ahhh so complicated
thegoodlife Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Although I've never made it a general rule not to date smokers, I still think I'd like to know before that first date. For some people it's a deal breaker and if it is for her then it's better to find out now rather than later.
Author bitteorca Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 aloneanddepressed - you're right, of course I could not smoke for the date. That was one of the options! I just want to know whether that is the right option! thegoodlife - that's what I want to find out, whether it is such a big deal to her. She could not smoke but be ok with me smoking. She could not smoke and she could be really bothered. She could smoke. Who knows? But is it better to find out before she has even had a chance to get to know me? She seems pretty keen (I think, this is a different topic altogether!), so I don't want to blow it by putting her off me with something like that. My ex gf didn't like smoking, wanted me to quit all the time (she made me quitting wall posters!) but she still loved me for who I was! I suppose what I'm getting is that its a real mix of opinions! I don't really know what to do
Adunaphel Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 As a smoker, I usually go for the "btw, would you mind if I lit a cigarette?" If the other person is a smoker, we have something more in common. If he is not a smoker, but does not mind, I'll ask if he is really sure before lighting the cigarette. If he minds, I just won't light it and act like it's not a big deal and like I immediately forgot about it.
carhill Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 IMO, you're putting too much emphasis on the reactions of people you barely (or don't) know. People like (and don't like) what they want. They date (and don't date) who they want. Some are compatible; some are not. Acceptance Also, if you love someone for who they are, you don't bug them all the time about a habit they have. That would have been like me bugging my wife for years to lose weight/eat less/differently (which I never did, once); you love people (and accept them) for who they are, period. If you don't put your authentic self out there, you'll never know for sure who really wants to be with the authentic you.
thegoodlife Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 So put it out there and see what happens. Like you said, there are a number of scenarios that can play out. It may truly be a deal breaker for her and she may not have any interest in getting to know you after that. If that's the case, better for both of you to cut your losses now. Either way, you won't know until you put it out there and see how it plays out.
Author bitteorca Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 hmmmm...so what does everyone reckon? Text or no text? Vote now!
lucy9216 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Myself I am a smoker and the few dates I have been on I have not smoked on the first date. They should have known that I was a smoker and trying to quit if they had read my profile at all. I guess for me a first date I didn't feel right lighting up, I mean the first dates are usually only for a few hours. I can go hours and days without smoking, I have been smoking for 15 years. I also felt that if they don't smoke and I do, I would feel more awkward smoking around them on a first date. No I don't think you should send a text but you should tell her about your smoking and let her know how you feel about and how you intend to quit. You cannot put all of that in a text.
huck Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Hi bud This post reminded me of a date i had with a girl a couple of months ago.. I had exactly the same thoughts of you before the date - should i tell her i smoke etc etc.. At a push I could probably go a few hours without a cig - but all smokers know that after a few drinks - the urges come on big style.. On this date I pretended to go to the toilet a couple of times and sneeked out the front for a quick one ( sad I know )... It ended up that she was in exactly the same boat and admitted she was dying for a fag as well.. Soooooo - if i was you - i wouldnt make an issue out of it - dont text her to warn - just maybe bring it up in conversation on the date. Its not cool - but i actually enjoy smoking - if someone else doesnt like it then thats up to them.. I always respect non smokers thou and do it away from them... Ive been out before with smokers ( before i started ) and it didnt bother me at all... Pro smoking rant over !!. Enjoy yourself on the date anyway..
Author bitteorca Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 yeah I think you are right...here's what I'm going to do: Not smoke on the date, but possibly mention I smoke, say that I want to quit anyway, and see how she takes it. She may not give a damn, I think I'm over worrying! I think sending a text, besides from the smoking situation, will show her that I am over worrying about it. I have all the best intentions with the worrying, but I still shouldn't be that bothered! I also take non-smokers into consideration, I wouldn't smoke in front of anyone if they had a problem with it. If I was a non-smoker myself, I would probably want to be treated the same. And I am actually pro-smoking ban (UK) as I felt for all those non-smokers who had to put up with smoky pubs, damaging their health without having the choice. Ah well, see how it goes. At the end of the day, if she does care about such a thing soooooo much, would it even work?! Thanks for all your advice any way!
Confusedalways Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 You sound like a nice guy!! I don't think the smoking thing will set you back good luck!!
Author bitteorca Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Thank you! roll on tomorrow night, nicotine or no nicotine!
Author bitteorca Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 yeah I could say something like that. Its just first date...would she really say 'ermm..yeah i do mind!' I think I'll just see how I feel at the time
redhighheels Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I don't think it's impolite, as long as you ask her if she minds first. Even if she does, I doubt she's going to tell you, but it's important to be considerate about it. Even if you can go through the date without smoking (although it's hard when you're drinking and enjoying yourself), you still to let her know that you're a smoker. As others put it, you need to own it. A lot of non-smokers are adamant about it and that's why I prefer to date smokers myself. It may not be an issue in the early stages, but it's going to become a problem later on. Anyway, if you want to know where she stands before you meet, you might try telling her straight up or mention it during a conversation (something like "It was good talking to you, I'm off to have a cig now"). Have fun on your date!
mortensorchid Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I'm a smoker. In the past when I have been out on dates, I do not smoke on the first date. If there is a second, you can unveil it about yourself. Sometimes you will find out the other person is a smoker as well, especially if it is a first encounter, they might feel the same way about your response to someone's being a smoker. You MIGHT also encounter the other, ugly truth which I'm sure all of you smokers know what I'm talking about - the prejudice and hatred. People look at you like a leper if you smoke. This from the general public, to a degree, is alright. You as a stranger do not like to bother people in pubic places smoking, and most smokers have no problem stepping outside or going to designated areas to smoke. When it's from someone you know, however, and in the privacy of your own home, that's another story. Like everything else, we slowly but surely show our true selves over time. Smoking is one of those things. And if the gal dumps you for smoking, it wasn't meant to be. Guess what? None of us are perfect, only the most uptight of people think they are perfect or have some kind of standard in looking for a mate. Have you ever noticed that people jump down your throat for smoking, and instead of lashing right back at them, smokers are meek and apologetic about it (whether or not they are concerned about quitting). But, if a person is overweight, no one will say anything to you about it! Why don't they yell at an overweight person "What's the matter with you, you fat pig?! Stop eating so much!". So it's socially acceptable to heckle a smoker, but not if you're overweight. Double standard? Yes it is. I have a challenge for you - if someone (if not this gal but someone else) gives you a hard time about smoking, throw it back in their faces! See what that's about! Just a thought.
headlesschicken Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 i would say go for it, ask if she minds if you smoke. i don't smoke and most of my relationships are with smokers. it isn't a dealbreaker to me--as long as they wash their hands and brush their teeth or chew gum before trying to get close to me.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I would text beforehand. I find it annoying when somebody drops something like that in my lap after they think I'm "hooked." I'd rather know about it beforehand. I mean, really, imagine she DOESN'T like it (and it's a dealbreaker). Wouldn't you rather get rejected before you waste your time and money on a date? And even if she doesn't mind it, at least you were honest, which is big points in my book.
Thornton Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I was just wondering, is it really impolite to have a cigarette on the first date? Like if we go for a drink, would it be rude to have a cigarette? I wasn't aware there were still places where you cold legally smoke while having a drink Smoking has been banned here for years, in all bars and restaurants etc. Getting to the point, I'd rather know if someone was a smoker before a first date, because I wouldn't want to date them... unless they were quitting immediately
Author bitteorca Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 turns out I was over-worrying - she doesn't smoke, but she didn't mind. Her best friend smokes and thus she's used to it. She said it wasn't a major problem. I asked her whether it was a big thing, and she said it wasn't. She implied it was slightly, but nothing serious. She wasn't one of the anti-smoking crowd anyway. On another note, it went really well. I really liked her. I think she liked me as well. She talked about a second date when she was dropping me off, and I got a good smooch. Can't be bad eh?! haha I'm a happy bunny
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