I just know he wants to leave

[Littlemadam]

Hi peeps,

For as long as I can remember now, my fiance and me have been arguing every week about anything from the smallest issue to bigger things.

Monday it was raining and I needed a jacket to ride my Vespa to work. He grabbed his one, hid and emptied the pockets saying he was searching for his car keys (which he has already taken out). In an argument later that day his explanation was that he wanted to remove the receipt for the choc bar he'd had (as he didnt want me to know he had them when he went food shopping). Eventually I bought his story, he is never out to be able to have an affair, so I dont think it is anything like that. He does however conceal certain truths from me (including looking at porn) for whatever reason. I have NEVER criticised porn, nor would have a go at him for eating a stupid chocolate bar, it is just the deceipt that I cannot hack. Anyway things got back to being ok...

 

This morning we spoke about what he had for lunch yesterday as he had gone into London for work and I thought he would get something nice. Anyway he got all defensive as I asked if he was sure that’s all he had as he’d added on the Red Bull after he said. Anyway, i’ve obviously acted irrationally as he did his nut and said i don’t believe anything he says. Then when I left for work he said with such bitterness, "Do you want a running commentary on what I do today."

 

Before I left I tried saying I didn’t want to argue, and it was just a question as was surprised he only went to the garage yada yada. He said to me also on Monday that he didn’t want the relationship because of all the arguing, i only argue when he lies to me which isn’t often. But because of this statement and no call from him apologising today I know I’m going to get the bad news when I get home tonight.

 

I don’t know how i’m going to cope with the pain and suffering. I love him so much and was so looking forward to the wedding next year and our lives together. If it doesn’t happen tonight I know it will soon

 

If anyone has any advice whether it be harsh or not I would greatly appreciate.

 

Thanks in advance

 

LM xxx

[hopperba2001]

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. Honestly, it seems like maybe you might be a bit controlling and wanting him to give into you. The only reason I say that it because that's what just happened with me and my boyfriend and he broke up with me like, 2 hours ago. If you feel that maybe you are as i described and you want to be with him then you need to change NOW. That's why we had our downfall. Because every time I would tell him that I'd work on something I didn't put as much effort forth as I should have. I don't believe he did either-but I can only be responsible for my own actions. I regret it now, although it's too late.

[doublescorpio]

The thing about men is that before they are even out of their current relationship, they are looking for an 'escape route'. This usually means scouting out another woman, possibly even cheating with her (because at that point they see themselves as out of a relationship with their current partner anyway and justify it). Ever wonder why most guys can go straight into a relationship with someone else after a break up, while the lady seems to need 'recovery'? It is usually because the female did not 'prepare' like the fellow did.

 

While he is preparing for departure, that fortunately gives you some time to get a hold of the situation and make your own move. You see it coming, so you can break up with him before he does it to you.

 

There is a book that describes this phenomenon well, called "The MANual" by Steve Santagati. In it, he says the sign the guy is planning for departure are:

- slowly spending less time with you

- no longer romantic (in bed and also with dinners etc)

- sex feels different (because he is detached)

- he tries to get you to look at him as 'a friend'

- you catch him in small lies

- he tries to start fights, because it is easier to exit the relationship over disagreements

 

 

It sounds like you have a strong gut feeling about him wanting out, and I am sorry to say that you are most likely right about it. It seems he is being defensive and you suspect lies. Since you are on to him already, you can prepare. You don't have to do this right away, give yourself a quick exit plan. It will hurt so much less that way.

[Littlemadam]

Hopperba - I just replied to your trhead thinking exactly the same thing. You are so right, there are things we can do that our loves away, and we've both done it hey. I think mine is also beyond repair in a massive way. If you ever want to talk so we can help each other just say. I hope you manage to get some sleep, and I know how you are feeling, I am petrified of being heartbroken again, I really am

 

DoubleScorpio - what else can I say apart from you/the book are spot on hey. I have nowhere near enough courage to leave, I will always beg for him back. Atleast when he leaves there is no going back on it. I am so scared of losing him, but as you say he is already preparing to leave. The heartbreak is going to destroy me but i've been reading and know it will get better, I just cant see it yet.

 

Thanks for the input, am really trying to stay strong

[Excellent]

The thing about men is that before they are even out of their current relationship, they are looking for an 'escape route'. This usually means scouting out another woman, possibly even cheating with her (because at that point they see themselves as out of a relationship with their current partner anyway and justify it). Ever wonder why most guys can go straight into a relationship with someone else after a break up, while the lady seems to need 'recovery'? It is usually because the female did not 'prepare' like the fellow did.

 

While he is preparing for departure, that fortunately gives you some time to get a hold of the situation and make your own move. You see it coming, so you can break up with him before he does it to you.

 

There is a book that describes this phenomenon well, called "The MANual" by Steve Santagati. In it, he says the sign the guy is planning for departure are:

- slowly spending less time with you

- no longer romantic (in bed and also with dinners etc)

- sex feels different (because he is detached)

- he tries to get you to look at him as 'a friend'

- you catch him in small lies

- he tries to start fights, because it is easier to exit the relationship over disagreements

 

So this does not apply to women at all? Right. Thats funny, although i am pretty sure my ex did not cheat on me, she fits that nice list you are giving us to a t. I've been on this forum for quite some time now, not very active in commenting, but i do read a lot. And it seems that women do these things as much as men do.

 

That's why it does piss me off when you go like "the thing about men", pretty much saying we're all the same. Every person, regardless the sex is different. Some just are complete asses, some are not. There are plenty of men, and women, on this forum, who'd rather die than cheat on their partner. Or leave the relationship in such a cowardly fashion.

[Lyssa]

LM, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. As you said it, it seems beyond repair and if that is really the case then the best would be to go separate ways.

 

[[[hugs]]]

[adamt]

Got to agree with Excellent on his point, women are just the same when they are planning to come out of a relationship. I would probably say they are better at getting back with their friends before exiting the relationship.

 

Here is a list i made, probably applicable to both sexes

 

 

 

• Starts going out with friends more
  
• They stay over less often
  
• They have less time to see you
  
• they want to go out in a group rather than just with you
  
• Start going to the gym a lot and have a make over
  
• Spends more time on the laptop/internet
  
• Sex stops or drops to a minimum
  
• they go quiet or start to go distant
  
• they start to nit pick at things that were never a problem
  
• you speak less online or on the phone(less texting too)
  
• they go to bed/sleep earlier
  
• they sleep facing away from you
  
• they stop making plans for the medium and long term, like holiday and settling down
  
• they start to roll their eyes or talk under their breath
  
• they dont laugh at your jokes anymore
  
• they dont return compliments or as touchy feely
  
• They are reluctant to be seen naked infront of you
  

[joseffrost]

I agree with Excellent and Adamt, if someone wants to get out of a relationship but is too cowardly to come out and talk about it, they will inevitably look for an escape route, preferably one which leaves them seeming innocent and being able to blame their partner.

 

For example, my ex would deliberately be distant, and then criticise me for not talking to her. To generalise that all men are pigs may be popular, but it is not necessarily true. The ratio of guys to gals on this site seems to be fairly equal, and we're only here because we're the lovesick ones who still care about our exes, no matter how much of a b*tch/b*stard they were.

[adamt]

I think the dumper does things subconciously because they feel bad dumping you and so hope that you get fed up and do it instead and so they dont have guilt. Looking back my ex probably wanted out in the last 3 months. Maybe i could go back further to nearly 5 months to see how she became more selfish and moody. those might have been the early warning signs.

 

Another sign is stuff like disagreeing over which restaurant to go to. if they want out they will be reluctant to want to spend time with you alone in a restaurant too.

 

I think when both parties are happy in a relationship then these things are never and issue and just happy to be in each others company.

 

Don't let things drag on

[Excellent]

I think the dumper does things subconciously because they feel bad dumping you and so hope that you get fed up and do it instead and so they dont have guilt.

 

That is spot on to as it was between me and my ex. She more or less said that to me 5 months later. She said she hoped that i would pick up on the signs and bring it up. She wanted me to take action, so she didn't have to. I know i would have if it happened now, but at the time i was a scared, clingy wreck, terrified of losing her. Wich happened anyway

[doublescorpio]

To generalise that all men are pigs may be popular, but it is not necessarily true. The ratio of guys to gals on this site seems to be fairly equal, and we're only here because we're the lovesick ones who still care about our exes, no matter how much of a b*tch/b*stard they were.

 

I don't think anyone in this thread is saying that men are pigs. Perhaps that has been stated in other threads, but not here. The advice I gave to Littlemadam was one on one for her, and for her specific situation. You guys are right, these escape route traits are indeed used by both sexes to avoid nasty breakups. But I was addressing her case, which is that her guy had started to exit the relationship already and she had not yet done so.

 

Excellent, I think you are jumping to a lot of conclusions in this thread. I never said the traits did not apply to women either. Actually, women who have had relationships with men that backed out of the relationship this way may follow their lead in their own future relationships. Or some women may prefer this type of break up and learned it all on their own. The thing is that people as a whole do not like arguments, and 'escaping' out of a relationship is a good way as they see it to avoid nastiness. I don't actually view this as 'cowardly' as some people claim, its just one way of breaking up. Some people will go to EVERY length to avoid confrontation. Like I said this isn't necessarily cowardly to me, but I can see how some may interpret it as that especially if they are a highly sensitive person.

 

As a general rule, yes, women ARE more likely to be unprepared for a breakup and to do the escape route thing because as a *general* rule women prefer communication. Whether it os to communicate to solve problems, or she actually says the words "I don't think our relationship is going anywhere anymore". And, many men suck at communication, especially younger ones. Note I didn't say ALL, I said MANY, there have been numerous books written about this.

 

I think adamt list is really spot on, as those are great indicators either sex is becoming distant/or planning on breaking up. Sometimes this is something a conversation can repair, but sometimes not...