pholy Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Hi, this is my first time posting. I have been dating this woman for about a year. She has trust issues (her ex husband cheated on her and it was traumatic). Top that off with me telling her early on that i had issues with cheating,etc. Well, during our relationship, she found a website i went to for just chatting/flirting etc. I never dated or met anyone from it, but she was upset since she discovered it. We patched things up, but this theme of not trusting has never gone away. Well, yesterday she found another profile of mine from another site i dont even visit and i didnt know how to cancel the memebership. I got an email from there the other day and logged in to see who it was from - again just curious, not looking to cheat. She emailed me today and said she found it, she cant trust me, and is breaking up, no discussion. Now i know that yes i should have told her about the site, But also she is projecting this cheating thing all over me and i havent even cheated. she's going thru the whole internet looking for some reason. We are in different countries at the moment and she has been really unstable not being able to see me, told me she cant take missing me and what if we just didnt see each other anymore. We had another issue with my staring at women, which i wasnt aware i did, but since she told me ive tried to be aware of it. We also had an issue about her being jealous of me having/meeting friends, especially female ones. I lost most of my close friends because of it. I just dont know what to do. she blocked my calls, my email. I even thought about getting on a plane and going there, but im in the middle of classes and if i miss one day im screwed and she knows that. I am freaking out here. I just want her to know i didnt cheat but yes i should have told her about the site. any advice how to handle this? letter? go there? just wait? thank you
DustySaltus Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Pholy, look at my thread history and read my story and you will see that we were in the same situation. I was engaged to a woman who fit your situation. Although she wasn't pissed off about the friends I kept or glancing at other woman it turns out she had a second job as a private investigator and her only client was me. This girl was checking my emails, listening to my phone calls and checking my phone early on in the relationship....she never found anything. One day she found an email to a friend of mine about having a tough time in another country (read the post) and she felt I would abandon her so she kicked me out. You see she had abandonment issues with her father in the past, so this was something that was deep in her psyche. She says that she is blocking your emails, but she probably isn't. However, in this case it doesn't matter because the trust is already broken. I went 5000 miles across the world, put a ring on her finger and was living there and IT STILL WASN'T ENOUGH to have her get over her trust issues. You need to let her have some time to herself right now, if she comes back you guys need to go to some serious counseling together..if that's where you see this relationship heading. If she admits she has a problem and wants to work it out, give it a shot..but the ball is in her court. Don't wait for her though and remember these issues will never completely go away. Don't ever let another person define who you are. No one should have a higher opinion of themself than you. If you know your a good and trustworthy person that's all that matters and people will notice. Don't call her or contact her in anyway right now. Stay NC. Good luck.
hoping2heal Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I'm confused. Is she upset with your for cheating, or is she upset with you for not being up front about the old dating site? If she's upset at you for cheating, when you never have what more can you do? It's her fault if she wants to throw away someone who cares about her on an assumption. But secondly, is she in any kind of counselling to work through the trust issues she has with men after what happened with her former husband?
Author pholy Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 well, she is upset about finding my profile and is assuming im actively searching for women, cause of my last login date. i logged in to try to stop the auto emails, but she probably doesnt believe me since i never told her about the site. she found another profile i had and i deleted it after. She doesnt understand online stuff like facebook, etc..how it can just be a social thing. she assumes that stuff is all cheating in her book. what can i do? write a letter?
boogieboy Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 DOnt bother with her, she has MAJOR trust issues and theres nothing you can do to convince her otherwise since you already screwed up. If she was combing the internet and dating sites looking to see if you were on there, she was just obsessed with seeing if she was right about you. Or she was looking for someone new and ran into your profile. now about you, if youre dating someone, you shouldnt be on websites flirting and chatting with people. You just shouldnt. If the woman youre with isnt enough for you, youre going to keep running into this. You definitly shouldnt be staring at other women while youre with someone, at least not in the beginning, build up some trust first.
hoping2heal Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 well, she is upset about finding my profile and is assuming im actively searching for women, cause of my last login date. i logged in to try to stop the auto emails, but she probably doesnt believe me since i never told her about the site. she found another profile i had and i deleted it after. She doesnt understand online stuff like facebook, etc..how it can just be a social thing. she assumes that stuff is all cheating in her book. what can i do? write a letter? No, you can do nothing. You should of told her about the old profile because then she couldn't come back at you with a reason to NOT trust you, but in essence I'm not sure what good it would have done. She is acting on an assumption she has, that she has decided is accurate. She is not fit for a relationship until, if ever she realises that the main person hurting her is HER. Even if you convince her to get back with you, this is going to keep going and will NEVER stop until she gets help. This is an issue that starts with her and can only end with her. It eventually is going to get wearing on you.
Author pholy Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 She sent another email and this one is worse. She doesnt even sound mad now, which is making me worry. "so dont wast ur time to try to fix this prob. because i will never see you.this is good for us" I had a panic attack reading this at work and ran home to call her but couldnt reach her, she blocked all my numbers,etc. I almost got killed i was so upset driving. My one side tells me to get on a plane now and go there and convince her, win her back, try to get her to agree, but as posted, she might not change her mind and perhaps the issue will come up again. I was thinking to send a fax cause that would get thru. Here are more details. we have been dating for year and a half and lived together for 2 months. I left Japan to come back to US take some training since i couldnt find work there. It was a big risk to leave her for 3 months to do this. I hate being here in this city and she was the only thing that kept me going since i knew i could go back when this course was over. now i have nothing. i just mentioned since i left the country temporarily to come here and trusted i would be going back. i know i am not blameless here for sure, but at least tell me on the phone or give me a chance to talk about it. right?
boogieboy Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Did you not read anything that was posted here? Maybe you have to read from the top again....
hoping2heal Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Did you not read anything that was posted here? Maybe you have to read from the top again.... My thoughts EXACTLY. I'm sorry Pholy I'm not even going to post any more commentary on the subject until you have read what's been said here and it registers.
Author pholy Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 you are right,. I have read all the helpful comments, and it all makes sense. i guess i my brain gets hijacked around abandonment stuff. that or im in denial that i cant control this situation. its just hard...she doesnt have it in her to call me or have some sort of discussion about it. that really hurts. i will read again from the top...sorry guys : (
DustySaltus Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 You know pholy, I actually thought about getting on a plane once or twice..I actually posted something about that on here....it wasn't the right move. Right now you are being emotional when you need to be rational. I don't want to be with anyone that doesn't want to be with me. I have a hard time believing that she didn't want to be with me and just wanted drama but in the longrun I wasn't willing to give up my sense of self to move to a foreign country away from EVERYONE I know without having her trust 100%.
boogieboy Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Yeah she cant be pushed any farther away than she is right now... so now you have to come to terms with the fact that its completely over, and she made it clear. She doesnt want to talk to you and you have to start moving on. Its going to take a while for all the thoughts to stop rolling around in your head, but they will go away with time. Completel cut her off and forget about her. You can try to contact her all you want, but that would torpedo everything and make her percieve you as crazy. At some point you can start flirting with girls to get your confidence back, that will help you in time.
Author pholy Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 boogie boy: i guess as you pointed out, its pretty clear. i just have to start thinking that way. The challenge would be if i started to get over her and she called me and wanted to talk. I have to be prepared for that too i guess. I usually cave in those situations, but that's prob not in my best interest. good advice, thank you Dusty:I feel you have been in a similar boat i would like to hear more, it seems to help to know someone who experienced something similar. could you point me to that thread or PM me? Hoping: its really helpful to hear a female perspective, thank you. Sorry it took me a few times to let this sink in.. Everyone has given great advice, this forum's peeps are very generous with support and helpful.
DustySaltus Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 pholy, click on my name, look at all threads and look at the thread.."get on a plane yes or no"? You'll see where I was few weeks ago...it won't let me send a pm, so let me know what u think
boogieboy Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 The challenge would be if i started to get over her and she called me and wanted to talk. I have to be prepared for that too i guess. I usually cave in those situations, but that's prob not in my best interest. good advice, thank you . Its not always hard to deal with an estranged ex that calls, if youre in the right frame of mind. For instance: 1.) Theres something that clicks in a womans head when you do something she doesnt like, that makes her fall out of love. One day she wakes up and sees you differently. When that happens, you cant get it back. She usually doesnt say anything, she rides it out until shes sure. If you dont notice it right away, youre sunk. 2.) When they call, they are just curious how you are, but it means nothing. In the beginning they miss your voice, or miss the company, but thats it. Theyre just satisfying a curiousity. They either want to see if you are still after them and if you will take the bait, or they just had a memory that reminded them of you. Once you know she wants nothing more than to satisfy a curiousity, its really easy to realize that picking up the phone is useless and you should move on. Once you know she has no intention of starting anything, you wont have anything to say to her, and you really wont want to talk to her. Its all a frame of mind, its a lil hard in the beginning, but you get this in your head, and you'll be over her quick.
Author pholy Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 thanks guys... so. is there is never a time when a call could genuinely be about trying again, or that once feeling is gone never returns? i know maybe im still denying it, but it seems like a broad statement. i do think this way is a good way to get over someone...it makes sense. i just wondered if any room for exceptions..guess i am reaching huh? thanks..its a big help..
DustySaltus Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 The ball is in her court and it could be there for a week, a month, a year or forever...but instead of waiting just go to a different court. This way when she finally decides to play, she'll realize she has no one to play with. You did A LOT for this woman, just like I did....if that wasn't enough, they will never be satisfied. You have nothing to be discouraged about...there are woman out there dying to meet a guy like yourself. You'll see it but not right away.....but you will. Stay NC and post here every time you feel like calling her or call one of your friends.
boogieboy Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 thanks guys... so. is there is never a time when a call could genuinely be about trying again, or that once feeling is gone never returns? i know maybe im still denying it, but it seems like a broad statement. i do think this way is a good way to get over someone...it makes sense. i just wondered if any room for exceptions..guess i am reaching huh? thanks..its a big help.. She has to know you dont need her for her to want to come back and play. problem is, its just jealousy, she wouldnt always want to get back with you for you, know what I mean? If you already started moving on, you probably wouldnt want her back anyway.
Author pholy Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 she just tried calling me twice and i dont know what to say or dont want to get upset so Im not answering..but i do want some closure..should i answer?
boogieboy Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 she just tried calling me twice and i dont know what to say or dont want to get upset so Im not answering..but i do want some closure..should i answer? let her leave a message. Unless shes saying "lets try agian", she is just playing games.
DustySaltus Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I agree let her leave a message.....don't take the bait. I'm think just because my ex unblocked me for some reason on fb that there's a chance but she's probably just snooping around.
Author pholy Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 well, i answered since i didnt look at the number and it was middle of night. she asked if i would give her my email password, since that is the only way she could trust me. if not, then im hiding my emails with women and we are done. i froze since im not used to giving up that amount of privacy. She said she cant trust me if I dont. it just feels strange to give another person access to that. am i wrong? should i give it to her? there might be some emails with girls she make interpret the wrong way as well. im screwed
SRTtoZ Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 Its weird for someone to have to ask you for it for privacy...but with my last ex I trusted her with everything...and she did the same. She would call me and tell me to make a bank transfer for her and give me all her info...or log onto her facebook and do something...I always did and she did the same with me. If you really trust that person that stuff means nothing... If she was hesitant to give me that information id be afraid she was hiding something...but i NEVER asked for it.
DustySaltus Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 This is a tough call...what happens when she finds something somewhere else? Did she apologize, that would be the first thing. Are you willing to move back there? See, this is the phone call I'm worried about too. These are the thoughts in my head. Originally, i would have jumped right on a plane and went over there but now after processing everything you need to take a step back and see whether the juice is really worth the squeeze. If you really want to spend the rest of your life with this woman..ask yourself these questions and really think about it. Good luck
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