Acting like it doesnt hurt

[jc904]

Hi everyone I decided to finally post here, everyone has various definitions on what needing space is and taking breaks. I have a situation I'm going through now that maybe someone could help me with. Ive been with my fiance for 1 and a half years. We have known each other for much longer but rushed into a relationship and she got pregnant maybe 2 months into it. We were in love and sure of it, just rushed into responsibilities much more quickly. We starting arguing a few months into her pregnancy mainly due to her hormones and mood swings. But things kept getting sour. They werent "normal" arguments that could end on agreements , they ended in insults. There was name calling from the both of us and resulted in us saying things we regreted, along the lines of me kicking her out to her mothers, then her calling me the next day apologizing. So I'd take her back because I never meant the things I said It was just at the moment. This happen maybe 3 more times. The last time she said my priorities arent right, she is very insecure about me not having a job, that really did piss me off, I have been everyday applying for jobs since my recent layoff. And being laid off added alot to the pressure but I figure through thick and thin we would make it, through the grace of God and our parents, we have been. Yet still its rubbed in my face that I cannot provide for us to her standards. So our final argument ended with me telling her to never call me again unless its about my daughter (she had already been moved out btw, she had decided to stay with her mother for awhile).

 

So the next day I expected this to return to normal, but little did I know I was hit with the "I need time". And that shocked me alot, for her to say that, all I could think of was how many times I needed time because of her and took her back the next day. She needed time and alot of it. She says she loves me but shes very confused. She doesnt know if we will work out or she can trust me to stop treating her like I have. She says if anything she would rather end it now so we can remain friendly to eachother infront of our daughter. But this to me is very hard, I want none of that lets just be friends bull****, I still love this girl and thats just not going to work. So I start looking back at whos to blame, I know what Ive done wrong honestly it is very stupid and immature to act the ways I did. It has been about a week and the first couple of days we didnt call eachother at all. The third day she called needed some things from my house. Highly unnecssary things at that. I decided to go see my daughter yesterday and me and her had a discussion on the situation and I expected her maybe to talk more about working it out. But she stuck to her guns and said not right now. This is a very new attitude to me so I sucked it up and told her ok I agree. As much as it hurt inside. From past experience Its worked for me to remain emotionless in front of your lover, give them plenty of space, and let them sort it out, and majority of the time, get the response you seek. Later over the phone, I had to reinstate that I did love her, and we have been acting way immature and I regret everything Ive said ,lets give it one more chance,etc...

 

She still does not want to try right now. To me I dont understand, It did take for me to realize at this point I love this girl and cant imagine why Ive treated her this way and I can guarentee if we got back together I would treat her with respect and forget about the past. So I tell her this. But she still does not want to try. If I ask her for her to answer me yes or no, she will tell me maybe we should just not worry about getting back together for good if I need an answer now. This eats me up I dont want to be the one hanging, and I can clearly see this is not about another person, but purely about happiness. I want to make her happy , I dont know If I should keep telling her I love her and being very nice to her. If she needs a break from our daughter for an hour I come over there while shes rests, and if she needs something to eat on the way over she asks me to get it still. I have done that for her this past week while refraining from bringing up the relationship. She has been the ONLY one calling. I have not called her once, we end up on the subject of us only because she brings it up. And I will go right back into saying I still love you and will be supportive of any decision you make, and that im a new man and ready to start a new leaf.

 

She still says shes not ready yet, so I dont know what to do anymore. Its been long enough for me to start getting negative pictures in my head of what could really be happening. Though, shes been jumping on me about any girls that may comment my myspace or if I am looking for anyone else. Thats not even in my head I just want her. Shes also babysitting and making money. And moving very fast towards getting in college. Like now that were not together shes miss independent, and I totaly respect that. What do you all think I should do, play the whole "my life is still dandy without you" or the " I love you so much I cant stand this anymore" (how I really feel). I havent slept in 3 days, but I'm not letting her know that. I barley eat and I do cry about it at times. Should I stay out of her way and keep emotions to myself -or- keep proposing my love for her and my willingness to change? Am I getting a wiff of my own dung here? If I am Ive learned my lesson trust me. Damn sorry this is long I love including details. For anyone who takes the time to read this I appreciate it.

[mickleb]

Hi jc. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

 

It sounds like, you're right, you shouldn't have rushed in so quickly with this girl. But that's happened now, so you have to do the best you can with now.

 

I can appreciate, as a new mother, why she feels she can't take all this uncertainty. She is thinking about your daughter first by doing this. She has told you she needs space and is not responding to your declarations of love for her. She may need you to prove what you mean.

 

If I were you, I would explain that it's really hurting you to keep wondering about her feelings for you and whether you will be together again, and that - much as you feel for her - you have to try to get on with your own life, as this pain is not going to help you, her or your daughter.

 

HOWEVER. I think you need to show her that you are there for your daughter. Tell her she is free to come to whatever conclusion she makes about you two but that won't affect your love for your daughter and wanting to do the best thing by her.

 

She is now the most important one in your story and you need to prove to HER that you are there for her. That will involve looking after her and giving your girlfriend a break, buying the things she needs, getting to know her and helping her to grow up safely and securely. This may just impress your girlfriend enough to be able to trust that you meant what you said about being a changed man. But if that doesn't happen, it shouldn't change your doing right by your little girl. Remember, it may also mean you have to fight for the right to see her, one day.

 

Your little girl is part of your life forever now and is completely innocent in all of this, so start making your relationship with HER solid.

 

Hope this helps and sorry if I sound a bit didactic but you do need to look after yourself. You need to eat and sleep and take joy from your life where you can find it. I think if you start focusing on your baby, you'll find so much to be proud of and you won't regret it for a second.

 

Good luck. Take care.

[jc904]

Thank you mickleb I told her those things as they are what I really feel and we left it at that. Ill continue to be the good positive person no matter what and will always be there for my daughter. Maybe she will see this maybe not, but its out of my control if she decides not to be with me and at least I can say in the end that I really tried to the fullest and its definitly not meant to be. Thanks you for your responce. As much as it hurts right now I know that it is what it is and some things are not in your control. If shes moving on then why shouldnt I. Thanks again

[mickleb]

Aw- well done, jc. You can't go wrong by doing right by your baby. You have great dignity and have done your very best. No-one can do more.

 

Your daughter will always sing your praises and I'm sure your ex will be (at least inwardly) impressed by your exemplary attitude and effort.

 

Best of luck with everything, sweetie. x

[hoping2heal]

Wow. I don't really know where to begin here. First, I commend you on being there for your daughter REGARDLESS of how your ex treats you. I think that is VERY commendable. Way to be a real man. You should feel damn proud of yourself for that alone.

 

The other thing that worries me, is this girl seems to be manipulating you to no end. She seems to be using the hold she has over you, to get you to do whatever you ask of her. Also, I don't like that manipulative little line about "I guess we don't need to be together ever if you want an answer now". What is that?

 

Here's the thing, aside from what she decides, yes I understand you care about this woman, but she seems to be in a very immature and destructive phase in her life. No one is going to change that for her, no one else is going to snap her out of it, or "save her". That is fantasy, but is not and never will be; reality. I don't see how she is fit for a relationship with you or anyone for that matter until SHE herself SEES this about her behavior and changes it. That could be next month, next year, three years from now, ten years.. it could even be never.

 

I think you should focus on being a good father (as you have been!) and forget about things with her right now. Be a good father but don't let this woman keep taking advantage of and manipulating, okay? You should set very clear boundaries. Be a father, don't be a step in spouse. I think it's very nice that you get food for her, but does she act like she even appreciates it? Trully? If not, then I'd cut that out and other gestures like it. You need to support your daughter, you do not need to keep paying for your mistake because she wants to use it to twist and turn you every which way.

[jc904]

You two have been alot of help and again I appreciate you reading my situation. hoping2heal, thats exactly whats shes doing, I know its manipulation. I have never seen this cold distant side to her and maybe its her way of dealing with things. She tells me I can come see my daughter but when I ask to take her to my house for awhile she gets very protective and even told me shes "scared I wont bring her back". MY GOD this is very immature, but it is aiding in me getting pushed away and wondering why I even feel this way for her. Another thing Ive done, I thought to myself if this were happening in a situation where she would never find anyone else and I knew that for a fact, then I feel at ease immediatly. I think its an ego thing. I was the man for the past two years, king of the pack so to speak, and now the feeling of no purpose and someone might come take my place gets to me hard. But no one could take my place for my daughter. So I have to look at it like that. Shes definitly manipulating me though thanks for bringing that to light. I could list 50 things shes done already but I dont think its nessasary. I wonder sometimes if shes worth saving, but like you said that is fantasy, she can only save herself. So I'm prepared for this to get ugly, court, visitation, child support. Damn I never planned my future for that but then again who does.

 

Thanks for the inspiration to move on:D