Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 aaahhhh, and he hits it again... sex when barely dating and rarely going out could be referred to as a booty call... does he spend money and time taking you out - or is it mainly at home? We have only had sex once, but it was an amazing experience...we totally connected. He has taken me out, he has cooked for me...he is not in this just for sex, believe me.
carhill Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I honestly like him more than I have ever liked anyone, and I told him that. We had a conversation recently about this. I told him that it scares me to get closer to him and spend more time with him, because I am not sure if spending more time with him will help me to accept the time away, or make it worse. It really could go either way, but there is no way to know unless I spend more time with him. OK, did this conversation happen before or after sex?
Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 OK, did this conversation happen before or after sex? It was after...but like I said it wasn't just sex...it was more than that
Citizen Drawn Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 along with mr. always broke, mr. too nice, stay away from mr. work. This guy doesn't have his priorities straight and doesn't understand balance. He loves himself/work more than he will care for you. This is just plain nasty and comes across as contempt for the male species. Yes, compatibility. I know plenty of women (and have had some female friends) who find this type of male to be perfect for them. Low maintenance, but exciting when he has time for them. They have otherwise full lives and enjoy the company and attention of other men (non-romantically/sexually) to fill in the gaps. Some of my business colleagues have wives like that. The important thing is that it works for them. I don't know yet whether the OP here is game for that kind of deal. Time will tell I agree, some women, particularly strongly career oriented women with no family plans, fit quite well with a workaholic.
Citizen Drawn Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I think it's unrealistic to expect him to change because work is so much a part of his life, and there are far worse things he can be doing. I think your best bet is to try find a comprimise, for you to lower your requirement for time from him, and for him to make a little more time for you. If that doesn't meet your needs, then you're going to have to give this up.
carhill Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 It was after...but like I said it wasn't just sex...it was more than that OK, have some more sex and get back to us. Men express their emotions through and with sexual intimacy. This should be a good indicator of his interest for now. Also, as 2sunny alluded to, he should take you out and visit you at your place. By challenging you a bit, we get a good idea of flow and depth. Right now, I don't have any consistent negative instincts in light of all the information you've shared. My only caution would be not to invest too much emotion too early and get attached, especially if your attachment style is strong and deep. Take your time. Hope it works out
loveslife Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I don't know, getting together once or twice a week and talking everyday after dating only one month seems like plenty of time together to me. Although, for me, I don't usually have sex with someone within one month of dating. Is he not seeing you more because he's working all the time or because he has other things in his life like friends and family and shopping and wanting time alone, etc. I'm thinking back and don't remember spending more time than this together with a new relationship partner since maybe college. Why do you want to spend so much time with him so soon?
Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 I don't know, getting together once or twice a week and talking everyday after dating only one month seems like plenty of time together to me. Although, for me, I don't usually have sex with someone within one month of dating. Is he not seeing you more because he's working all the time or because he has other things in his life like friends and family and shopping and wanting time alone, etc. I'm thinking back and don't remember spending more time than this together with a new relationship partner since maybe college. Why do you want to spend so much time with him so soon? He really is working all of the time, and I truly believe him. He is very close with his family but they all live far away so he only talks to them remotely. Why do I want to spend so much time with him? That's simple. I can't get enough of him. Everytime I first see him my heart skips a beat. Why wouldn't you want to see someone that does that to you more than once or twice a week? It's just a good feeling.
Author tenderheart8610 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 UPDATE. So I was with him again last night. And today I feel pretty much the same. Still like him a lot, but it bothers me that he couldn't even tell me when we will be able to see each other again. I am just hoping that these feelings go away with time and I just become more comfortable with it, because I think he is in this for the long haul, and I want to be right there beside him.
carhill Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Here's the thing. Can you accept this long-term? Imagine right now lasting for the rest of your life. Sure, you can live together. Sure, you can be married. My best friend is like your BF. As his wife says, married to the business. She's had to make a lot of compromises to be with him for 25 years. Her personality allows her to do that. She accepts the price of being married to a workaholic, even though he's now semi-retired. He's still off doing projects. Can you accept that you will always be prioritized below his business? Certainly, he might change that priority. That said, see things how they are now. Is that acceptable to you? IMO, if he's an otherwise good man who sends few negative signals, date him for a year and see how it goes. I think you'll have a better feel by then. Set a timeline. IMO, that's important. Otherwise, both men and women, doing what they do, will perpetuate the status quo indefinitely. It's human nature. I've lived it. Good luck
loveslife Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Tenderheart, I was in a relationship with a workaholic. Rarely got to see him and ended up very needy. Looking back I regret not focusing more on my own life during that time. Him and I had a great time when we were together. He made my little heart go all a-flutter. But I ended up focusing so much on the small amount of time together that I failed to look at the good stuff and just appreciate that. He was a good man, an honorable man, and he was looking for something serious. But i just couldn't let it happen. My advice - if you really like this man and he is a good man with good intentions, give it a little time. Instead of focusing on what he doesn't give you take that time and focus on things you could be doing for yourself. Otherwise, mark my words, if a guy like this feels that he can't make you happy he will move on.
Author tenderheart8610 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Here's the thing. Can you accept this long-term? Imagine right now lasting for the rest of your life. Sure, you can live together. Sure, you can be married. My best friend is like your BF. As his wife says, married to the business. She's had to make a lot of compromises to be with him for 25 years. Her personality allows her to do that. She accepts the price of being married to a workaholic, even though he's now semi-retired. He's still off doing projects. Can you accept that you will always be prioritized below his business? Certainly, he might change that priority. That said, see things how they are now. Is that acceptable to you? IMO, if he's an otherwise good man who sends few negative signals, date him for a year and see how it goes. I think you'll have a better feel by then. Set a timeline. IMO, that's important. Otherwise, both men and women, doing what they do, will perpetuate the status quo indefinitely. It's human nature. I've lived it. Good luck I appreciate your honesty, and that is exactly what I am going to do. He is a GREAT man who is too amazing to let go this early on in the game. If I didn't have such strong feelings for him I would just move on, but he makes my heart do things I didn't know it could do. A year from now (assuming we are still together) I hope to have a better understanding of exactly how our relationship is going to be, and hopefully I can come to terms with it. If not, at least I will have learned a valuable lesson and I will have spent a year with an amazing guy.
carhill Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Here's the really, really hard part.... the things he is that makes your heart do flipflops colors how your head thinks in relation to your intrinsic psyche and personality. The infatuation of the moment alters your consciousness. It's only later, as that infatuation subsides, that you clearly can see the dynamic and its elemental compatibility to who you are. Right now, you'll fight me tooth and nail on this. I expect you to. I've been in your shoes and wasted a good portion of my life on an unhealthy road. No one was or is bad (in my case). It's what is healthy long-term. I tried to explain this to my female friend (from my journals) when she told me the 'butterflies' were gone with her BF of a number of years. I told her that's completely normal for most people and, generally, what develops is an elemental bonding of the people personalities, a healthy interdependence and respect, the becomes the basis for mature and long-lasting love. Even with great sex, the butterflies subside after awhile or perhaps mutate into something else, but are not the same. Enjoy yourself and him, but set a time in your mind where you want to re-examine the compatibility. It's easy to lose yourself. BTDT. Hope it works out for you
2sunny Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 what did the evening consist of last night? i am interested in how you both spend your time together once the opportunity comes along...
Author tenderheart8610 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 what did the evening consist of last night? i am interested in how you both spend your time together once the opportunity comes along... We went out to dinner, had some drinks, had great conversation as usual, held hands on the way back to my place, talked more for a while, we fooled around for a while, then cuddled for a long time while watching a movie, then fell asleep in each others arms....a great night.
2sunny Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 We went out to dinner, had some drinks, had great conversation as usual, held hands on the way back to my place, talked more for a while, we fooled around for a while, then cuddled for a long time while watching a movie, then fell asleep in each others arms....a great night. ok then - if that's enough for now then settle in and enjoy! rarely will the opposite sex produce the butterfly effect. even if he works a lot - it may be worth it to have him for minimal time instead of not at all... in the meantime, stay busy and active with your own life. it's kind of nice when a guy comes along and doesn't have the requirement that you spend all of your free time with him. that way - you get time to do your own thing.
Author tenderheart8610 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 ok then - if that's enough for now then settle in and enjoy! rarely will the opposite sex produce the butterfly effect. even if he works a lot - it may be worth it to have him for minimal time instead of not at all... in the meantime, stay busy and active with your own life. it's kind of nice when a guy comes along and doesn't have the requirement that you spend all of your free time with him. that way - you get time to do your own thing. it is definitely worth it, but I just get so paranoid during those times we aren't spending time together that he is going to start losing feelings for me. Recently since he has been even more busy, I have always been the one to initiate conversation and/or contact for the day, but I think I do it because I am scared if I don't he just won't talk to me that day. I know that sounds a little bit irrational but that's just how I feel. I think it is mostly because I like him SO much...more than anyone ever. As much as it excites me that I have found this guy, it scares me to death. How do I calm down and just let things be?
loveslife Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Let me just ask you this. Do you think it's possible that the reason you're so worked up about him is because he's just that little bit out of reach? Do you think if he had been more available you'd be so crazy about him?
Author tenderheart8610 Posted August 1, 2009 Author Posted August 1, 2009 Let me just ask you this. Do you think it's possible that the reason you're so worked up about him is because he's just that little bit out of reach? Do you think if he had been more available you'd be so crazy about him? That's hard to answer. I mean every time we are together, right afterwords I miss him like crazy, even though I was just with him. However, I think if I knew I was going to be seeing him again the next day, I would be a lot more grounded and calm. But sometimes he can't even tell me when he can hang out again, and that's when I start to get nervous and anxious and think about him all the time until I do know when we are going to see each other. He makes me crazy! But the funny thing is, I think it's worth it. No one has ever made me feel like this before. I just wish I could go with the flow a little more.
loveslife Posted August 1, 2009 Posted August 1, 2009 Is it possible that your emotions are more anxiety than love? All those nerves might be uncertainty rather than love. Actually, I've not even heard you say you love him. It's been such a short time though, so that would be rather odd to say you love him. I would hazard a guess that the feeling you have are adrenaline from all the uncertainty. Maybe if you had something you could get excited about for the day after a date? Like plan something you've been wanting to do. I mean, listen to you - it's like he's a drug and you're addicted rather than a feeling of compatibility and building a base for a relationship. I would also hazard a guess that you are always available when he wants to see you?
Author tenderheart8610 Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Is it possible that your emotions are more anxiety than love? All those nerves might be uncertainty rather than love. Actually, I've not even heard you say you love him. It's been such a short time though, so that would be rather odd to say you love him. I would hazard a guess that the feeling you have are adrenaline from all the uncertainty. Maybe if you had something you could get excited about for the day after a date? Like plan something you've been wanting to do. I mean, listen to you - it's like he's a drug and you're addicted rather than a feeling of compatibility and building a base for a relationship. I would also hazard a guess that you are always available when he wants to see you? I totally agree with you. Of course it is too early to say if I love him or not, but I am definitely on that path of falling in love with him. And you are right, most of what I am feeling is probably just anxiety because I don't know when I am going to see him again. I think it totally sucks that I feel this way...I want more than anything to be able to just go with the flow like I know he does. He has no idea how crazy he drives me. We are building a strong foundation of a relationship, I believe, but I am so scared that I am going to ruin this because of the way I react to him not being able to spend more time with me.
loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 I totally agree with you. Of course it is too early to say if I love him or not, but I am definitely on that path of falling in love with him. And you are right, most of what I am feeling is probably just anxiety because I don't know when I am going to see him again. I think it totally sucks that I feel this way...I want more than anything to be able to just go with the flow like I know he does. He has no idea how crazy he drives me. We are building a strong foundation of a relationship, I believe, but I am so scared that I am going to ruin this because of the way I react to him not being able to spend more time with me. I've come to believe that the things we should pay attention to are not the on-paper stuff but just how someone makes us feel. That's what matters, IMO. Ask yourself, does having him in my life make me feel good about myself?
Author tenderheart8610 Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 I've come to believe that the things we should pay attention to are not the on-paper stuff but just how someone makes us feel. That's what matters, IMO. Ask yourself, does having him in my life make me feel good about myself? It most definitely does. He likes me for exactly who I am. He is not hung up on my looks are how I am in bed...we connect on a much deeper level and for the first time in my life I found someone who doesn't judge me at all.
loveslife Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 Well, if you're feeling good about yourself then everything's good.
Author tenderheart8610 Posted August 2, 2009 Author Posted August 2, 2009 Well, if you're feeling good about yourself then everything's good. I just want the nerves to go away now. I want to stop being paranoid about him responding to my texts or calling me or accepting an offer to come over. How I can I do that? I am hoping with time that will go away. But if it doesn't, he is worth the annoyance of the paranoia.
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