tenderheart8610 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 So I have been dating a wonderful guy for about a month now. When we first started talking we were talking online for several hours a day. We connect on so many levels, have a lot in common, and he is exactly the kind of guy I am looking for...except for the amount that he works. Unfortunately, because of his busy work schedule (he is a business owner, so no set hours, but pretty much always working) I only get to see him once a week, maybe twice if I am lucky. I work a lot as well, but my hours are a bit more structured. He still calls me every night and/or texts me throughout the day, but it's not enough. I honestly like him more than I have ever liked anyone, and I told him that. We had a conversation recently about this. I told him that it scares me to get closer to him and spend more time with him, because I am not sure if spending more time with him will help me to accept the time away, or make it worse. It really could go either way, but there is no way to know unless I spend more time with him. Part of me thinks that I am compromising myself for him, and he is compromising almost nothing. Living in the same city I think we should see each other at least a couple of times per week if not more, especially since we like each other so much. But I have compromised and dealt with this once a week thing, and I just don't know how much longer I can do it. Am I speaking too soon? Should I give it some more time? I really want to fight for this. He really is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, and I don't want to let him go.
SoulSearch_CO Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Hrm. I was married to a workaholic and it drove me up the freaking wall. I don't think I could do it again. And when I say workaholic, I mean that I did not see the guy for an entire month right after our 4th anniversary. (Yes, I'm positive he was working - we worked for the same company.) If you already know that the amount of contact is not enough, then it's NEVER going to be enough. Why kid yourself? His job is his marriage and you are his mistress. He's never going to leave it unless something really rocks him. OK, you don't want to completely tell him goodbye? How about keeping him on the backburner and date other guys? You're not a priority in his life, why the hell should he be one in yours?
Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Thank you for your honesty, SoulSearch. Some of my friends told me the exact same thing. I think I will probably give it another month or so and see if anything changes...I am falling in love with him, so I don't want to let him go just yet...hoping for even a little bit of change.
WTRanger Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 It's all built around compromise and understanding. You have to understand that he just can't work 9-5 and spend everyday with you, that's absurd to even think that way. He has to understand that if he is getting into a serious relationship, it's time to scale back on his work hours and make time for you. You are only a month into this, and to be honest I don't think I'd make any life changing changes for someone that early on as no one is really sure how long it'll last. Though, you are in the early stages where you should be spending most of your time together regardless of schedules. Back to the compromise, if this really bothers you then talk to him about it. Have you? If so, what has he said?
mark982 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 if he's a true workalcholic,you'll ALWAYS be second place. he's just wired that way.
boogieboy Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Thank you for your honesty, SoulSearch. Some of my friends told me the exact same thing. I think I will probably give it another month or so and see if anything changes...I am falling in love with him, so I don't want to let him go just yet...hoping for even a little bit of change. its not going to change, you really should back off now BEFORE you fall in love with him...just so you arent completely heartbroken over this. Ask him is this the way it will always be, if he says yes, jump ship.
Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 It's all built around compromise and understanding. You have to understand that he just can't work 9-5 and spend everyday with you, that's absurd to even think that way. He has to understand that if he is getting into a serious relationship, it's time to scale back on his work hours and make time for you. You are only a month into this, and to be honest I don't think I'd make any life changing changes for someone that early on as no one is really sure how long it'll last. Though, you are in the early stages where you should be spending most of your time together regardless of schedules. Back to the compromise, if this really bothers you then talk to him about it. Have you? If so, what has he said? Well, after thinking about it a little more, I have realized that I really shouldn't make any rash decisions. It's true, we are only a month in, and I really haven't made many changes. Do I wish we could hang out more often? Of course. But the time that we do spend together is amazing. And to be honest, right now that time with him greatly makes up for the time we do not spend together. So although I may get a little paranoid and annoyed when we are only seeing each other once a week, I think it is worth it. He is worth it. I have talked to him about this a little bit. He told me he will never have a 9-5 and never wants one. Which is totally fine. This is new for him too. He took himself out of the dating game for 4 years to get his company started, and before that he really did not date much. So who knows, maybe as things become more serious he will devote a little more time to us. For now I am just going to remind myself how excited I am that I like him this much. I know the feelings are mutual, although they may be portrayed a little bit differently, but they are there. As long as I feel this way, I'mnot letting him go.
tblucky Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 along with mr. always broke, mr. too nice, stay away from mr. work. This guy doesn't have his priorities straight and doesn't understand balance. He loves himself/work more than he will care for you.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I'm also a self-employed business owner, and this week I have planned four different social engagements, and I've still had time to get all my work done so far. If you're a good business owner, you don't have to work 24/7 -- you're smart enough to maintain healthy balance in your life. Of course, there are times you have to pull late-nighters and some weeks you have to work really hard, but those should be the exception, not the rule. We all make time for the things and people that are most important to us. As for "fighting for this," you don't have to fight to keep a good man. If he is a good man and he really cares about you, you'd have to fight to keep him away from you.
jtaime Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I'm also a self-employed business owner, and this week I have planned four different social engagements, and I've still had time to get all my work done so far. If you're a good business owner, you don't have to work 24/7 -- you're smart enough to maintain healthy balance in your life. Of course, there are times you have to pull late-nighters and some weeks you have to work really hard, but those should be the exception, not the rule. We all make time for the things and people that are most important to us. As for "fighting for this," you don't have to fight to keep a good man. If he is a good man and he really cares about you, you'd have to fight to keep him away from you. Well I am also self-employed but I find I do disagree with you (Ruby), although not entirely. The first couple of years.. prolly first 3 was the most difficult years when the business just took off. I worked long hours, including midnite - morning, then shower and work again throughout the day. So much so, I dont even want to speak to anyone by the end of the day. I should ask.. for the kind of industry he is in, some industries are much more demanding and have less set hours. I am in advertising and things runs round the clock.. if you compared it to a dive shop operation. Though I would admit I am priviledged now as minor jobs can be handled by my staff, and that leaves me to be able to make time for people I care about.
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 We all make time for the things and people that are most important to us. Words to live by. If the man wont, and 'won't' is the proper term here, as it's a choice to be married to a business (and I'm a near 30 year business owner) and prioritize it over everything else in life, then he's simply not datable. It essentially the philosophy of refusing to make someone a priority who makes you their option, generally reserved for BBBF's and BBGF's. Essentially, with a workaholic, that's what you are. Sorry
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 The first couple of years.. prolly first 3 was the most difficult years when the business just took off. I worked long hours, including midnite - morning, then shower and work again throughout the day. So much so, I dont even want to speak to anyone by the end of the day. OK. But if you had met a lovely lady you wanted to begin a relationship with, would you not have found a way to spend some time with her? I started working for myself 4 years ago, and up until a year ago, I was always in a relationship during that time. Sometimes my time with my boyfriend might have been nothing more than dinner, then working at my place or his for the evening, then sleeping together. Not ideal or all that spicy, but during crunch times, it's better than nothing. I always manage to make time for the people who are most important to me.
Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 OK. But if you had met a lovely lady you wanted to begin a relationship with, would you not have found a way to spend some time with her? I started working for myself 4 years ago, and up until a year ago, I was always in a relationship during that time. Sometimes my time with my boyfriend might have been nothing more than dinner, then working at my place or his for the evening, then sleeping together. Not ideal or all that spicy, but during crunch times, it's better than nothing. I always manage to make time for the people who are most important to me. The first couple weeks we were seeing each other, he wasn't as busy, but things have just been booming for him recently, which is awesome. I know he is making sacrifices with work to spend even one or two days a week with me, and that really means a lot. Like I said before, I think it is a little too early to make any rash decisions. If a couple months from now nothing has change, then I may rethink some things, but until then I am willing to deal with his schedule. He is too great of a guy to let go.
2sunny Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 hey - the reality is we all eat every day... at some point... IF he was creative and REALLY was dying to see you - he would say... "i'm doing take out and eating here at work, want to come eat with me?" if there's a will - there's a way... even if you're THAT busy. my gut says he may be married. lol
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Also, a caution related to busy guys, besides the chance that they might be married/involved, is that someone being busy, whether factual or not, necessarily makes them less available, hence more demanded; more demand, more excitement, more emotion, more attraction. When I was working 16-18 hour days building my business, I wasn't telling women I was busy. I wasn't dating women because I knew I was too busy and too drained to be a healthy partner. That's what a good guy does, IMO. I know, it's not exciting
Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Also, a caution related to busy guys, besides the chance that they might be married/involved, is that someone being busy, whether factual or not, necessarily makes them less available, hence more demanded; more demand, more excitement, more emotion, more attraction. When I was working 16-18 hour days building my business, I wasn't telling women I was busy. I wasn't dating women because I knew I was too busy and too drained to be a healthy partner. That's what a good guy does, IMO. I know, it's not exciting Well, first of all, I know he is not married or attached to anyone else. We are extremely honest with each other, and some of the things he has said to me, indcluding things eluding to a long future together, prove that he is not with anyone else. He took time away from dating the past 3 or 4 years, and then threw himself back into the dating arena, but he is still very busy. I would hope that sooner rather than later, if he is not ready for a relationship, he would realize that and let me know now. But I actually think at this point I would have a hard time getting rid of him even if I wanted to.
2sunny Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Also, a caution related to busy guys, besides the chance that they might be married/involved, is that someone being busy, whether factual or not, necessarily makes them less available, hence more demanded; more demand, more excitement, more emotion, more attraction. When I was working 16-18 hour days building my business, I wasn't telling women I was busy. I wasn't dating women because I knew I was too busy and too drained to be a healthy partner. That's what a good guy does, IMO. I know, it's not exciting just shows that his priority is career/money driven. i'm wondering how much face to face time OP gets with this guy, or is it mainly by computer or text? my antennae is up - says he's taken and he's using work as an excuse for his unavailability. either that or OP doesn't have a clear idea of how much good balance time he has or is willing to give... or is very needy/demanding. if there expectations don't match - then she should cut him loose.
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Yes, compatibility. I know plenty of women (and have had some female friends) who find this type of male to be perfect for them. Low maintenance, but exciting when he has time for them. They have otherwise full lives and enjoy the company and attention of other men (non-romantically/sexually) to fill in the gaps. Some of my business colleagues have wives like that. The important thing is that it works for them. I don't know yet whether the OP here is game for that kind of deal. Time will tell
Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 just shows that his priority is career/money driven. i'm wondering how much face to face time OP gets with this guy, or is it mainly by computer or text? my antennae is up - says he's taken and he's using work as an excuse for his unavailability. either that or OP doesn't have a clear idea of how much good balance time he has or is willing to give... or is very needy/demanding. if there expectations don't match - then she should cut him loose. We talk on the phone every night, and like I said we see each other once or twice a week, usually sleepovers. I would agree that I am needy. It is in my nature, I do not know why I am that way, but I just am. And while I know I could break this off and search for a guy more my speed, this guy is just too wonderful, and such a sweet heart. He is the most genuine guy I have ever met.
2sunny Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 then sit back and relaaaax. expect nothing - then you won't be disappointed.
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 OK, here's a good tool to use, and you have to let this flow naturally... When you have your sleepover nights, is he excited to come to your place to see you? Can't wait? Grabs your favorite snack/food/trinket on the way? On the phone, you're gushing about something really cool that happened to you....your sister had a baby; you got a promotion; you won the lottery. Does his interest in those things, those parts of your life, sound inspired? Do you inspire him to be with you? That's the critical thing, IMO.
in_absentia Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I don't think he's really that interested in you. If he was, he wouldn't let work get in the way of getting closer to you and becoming committed to you. Sorry but that's just how it sounds.
Author tenderheart8610 Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 OK, here's a good tool to use, and you have to let this flow naturally... When you have your sleepover nights, is he excited to come to your place to see you? Can't wait? Grabs your favorite snack/food/trinket on the way? On the phone, you're gushing about something really cool that happened to you....your sister had a baby; you got a promotion; you won the lottery. Does his interest in those things, those parts of your life, sound inspired? Do you inspire him to be with you? That's the critical thing, IMO. Almost every time we get together, a day before or a couple hours before he will say how excited he is, or say something sweet like he misses me or something like that. He is genuinely interested in things I have to say. He asks questions about my day, he remembers a lot of things that have happened to me at work and asks follow up questions. So I know he genuinely cares about me. Everytime i think about him, I get butterflies, in the good way. So i know as long as those butterflies are still there, I won't let him go. Time will tell if this situation is something I can deal with.
carhill Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 OK, now, not to be indelicate, how quickly did sexual intimacy happen for you? My instinct is quickly, due to how things seem to go at warp speed for this guy, but an accurate number would be helpful. In particular, since oxytocin from quality lovemaking stimulates bonding emotions in the female, it has a bearing on your perceptions. Now, if you haven't yet had sex with him, I'd suggest, after hearing your answers, continuing to explore this to see if you and he are compatible. If you have had sex already, and do so regularly, that intimacy invariably will color your perceptions of his actions and words, but evidently not sufficiently so to diffuse your concerns as outlined in the OP. Opinion?
2sunny Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 OK, now, not to be indelicate, how quickly did sexual intimacy happen for you? My instinct is quickly, due to how things seem to go at warp speed for this guy, but an accurate number would be helpful. In particular, since oxytocin from quality lovemaking stimulates bonding emotions in the female, it has a bearing on your perceptions. Now, if you haven't yet had sex with him, I'd suggest, after hearing your answers, continuing to explore this to see if you and he are compatible. If you have had sex already, and do so regularly, that intimacy invariably will color your perceptions of his actions and words, but evidently not sufficiently so to diffuse your concerns as outlined in the OP. Opinion? aaahhhh, and he hits it again... sex when barely dating and rarely going out could be referred to as a booty call... does he spend money and time taking you out - or is it mainly at home?
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