Husbands and female friends?

[carhill]

Adding to 2sure's sage observation, a good MC will listen actively and challenge both participants and encourage them to talk to each other, not the MC. Also, when the MC is querying your partner about his female friends and you're starting to get this good feeling that he's gonna get his, beware; you're next. The key here is that marriages are equal responsibility partnerships and you have responsibility too. You're going to find that out in MC.

 

I've been in your H's shoes and have gone through MC with a competent psychologist. I've had appropriate and inappropriate friendships with women. Those friendships were a component of the dynamic and work in MC but not the focus of it. The focus of it is on the marriage and the dynamic between husband and wife. That's the hard work. Good luck

[aeh]

I never really had a problem with my ex husband having female friends..they would eat lunch together from work like a group of them etc. BUT if I ate lunch with male friends or something it was a different story, ha! That didn't go over to well...it was ok for him but not me..yeah ok.

 

This was/is totally my situation. My H was always very protective of me, a bit jealous, possessive. He's a few years older than me. I stifled the "sexual" and "flirty" side of myself for him, didn't make friends with the opposite sex, etc and then come to find out, he started going to lunch with a MW in his office and voila!...here we are in the aftermath of an affair. But it is the part about him being so possessive and wanting strict boundaries on me and then him changing those boundaries for himself (there have been other instances of this, too) that gets me all riled up.....Of course, now that he's been caught and I have stated that we were obviously operating under different sets of rules, and hey, I used to be friends with LOTS of guys before I met him, maybe I need to stop living like nun (LOL), he is back on the bandwagon about how things are now black and white with him, he would never cross those boundaries now, we have to put up walls in our marriage...easy for him to say now that the shoe is on the other foot..

[sally4sara]

This is almost exactly what the sara part of my username went through with her relationship.

 

That relationship did not last.

 

Get you and your husband into a therapist so you can work on communication skills. We can only guess as to what exactly is going on and what your husband is thinking. It also sounds like you're monitoring his IM logs, emails, and FB page. Once you start doing this, even harmless stuff looks suspect and your partners actions can sometimes look more covert BECAUSE they know you disapprove. So at this point, even if nothing was happening at first, he is acting like he has something to hide and it could just be because he is trying to avoid conflict with you. It is a dumb way to manage this conflict, but he wouldn't be the first person to handle something like this poorly.

 

If you get to a therapist or counselor, you can have them play interpreter to each other. It will also make the issue more out in the open and the lack of secrecy can make a potential affair loose some steam. Sometimes I think the secrecy must make the affair more fun or intoxicating. I'm just worried that you're now so upset by it that even if nothing was going on, you're nurturing their association to become something intriguing and pushing them together.

 

I guess I'm saying that you may have burned through your opportunity to handle this on your own by how you've reacted to it. And if it is something much worse, like if their association was inappropriate from the beginning, you'll need some help with it anyway. Best to play safe than sorry.

[angie2443]

I wanted to add something about MC. Please, if you do MC, find a counselor who is actually trained in MC and not just one who is willing to counsil married couples. Find a counselor with a plan. Communication is often not enough in these situations and actual changes have to be made. People don't always want to here this, but it is true. This is why MC so often fails. It is wise to invest in a counselor who knows what they are doing. Good luck.

[tinktronik]

His behavior is WAY out of line. He's bent rules and broken them in order to have an association with a woman who is clearly coming on to him. It appears he is clearly coming on to her as well.

 

Now it's your turn to draw some lines in the sand and decide where YOU are going to take this. What are your limits? How much BS are you willing to take? You know that this is not innocent.

[jmargel]

From someone who has alot of female friends and married, I would say he is overstepping the boundaries. First off, he's not being honest with you, he's secretly communicating with her. Second he is taking time away from you to be with her. Third he is being defensive and laying 'blanket statements' on you to help him justify his own inappropirate behavior.

 

You need to get a good keylogger. You only know what you found out. This whole hanging out with this chick.. Knowing that you are not comfortable with it BECAUSE of his past behavior with her (not because she is a female) and still disrespecting you by doing what he wants is another sign that something could be going on.

 

Telling him about how you feel is not working. It's time to pull yourself out as a safety net. It's strange that he spends more time with her than any of this other friends, you or even his newborn baby.

 

This guy sounds very immature.

[Jennifer26]

Your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman, and I wouldn't be surprised if some physical lines haven't already been crossed.

 

I do not condone my husband having friendships with women. He is fully aware of this and okay with it (now). Of course I don't mind if my husband talks to another woman, or is friendly. What I mean by having a friendship is talking a lot, spending time alone together, discussing any intimate details about themselves and so forth.

 

I always felt this way, but it wasn't until 2005 when my husband had an emotional affair that I put my foot down. I am not the type who likes to give ultimatums, or be too controlling - but as far as I was concerned my husband WAS cheating on me and it was her or me.

 

It started innocently enough. They had a college paper to write together, and began joking around and talking outside of class quite a bit. That turned into meeting at a couple of restaurants between classes and eventually going to a couple of bars together for drinks. I found out he had been discussing our marital issues with her, and he was deleting all texts, phone history, etc. from her so I would not know when they were talking.

 

He didn't think there was anything wrong with it. When I told him he cut off ALL contact with her, or leave, he begrudgingly chose to cut off the friendship.

 

It wasn't until years later, when our marriage was in a better place that he admitted he loved the ego boost and that she flirted quite heavily with him. He swears it never became physical, but that he was absolutely in the wrong for his behavior and agrees that friendships with the opposite sex are not a good idea. He never even saw this coming, he says, but before he knew it he had a crush on this woman and was spending lots of time communicating and thinking about her.

[summer1117]

my h does the same thing i was ok with him havin female friends UNTILL i found out how he was talkin to them.he still talks that way makes me mad.he tells me im crazy and reading things wrong.i wish i had the guts to leave but a part of me loves him and wishes hed grow up!but..i hope u work things out!!

[luckyme99]

two thoughts here:

 

My ex-husband had alot of female friends. He worked in the bar industry and it was part of the whole process. I didn't mind - i knew them all and was comfortable in the fact that he was married to me. Italked to them and he even went camping with a few. I assumed they all respected our relationship.

Well, he ended up having an affair with one of them...wait...two. He used my trust and broke our vowes. We are now divorced. His mom says i was too trusting - that no married man should be hanging around single females.

 

My current "hubby" has female friends as well. His best friend is his ex of five years - they go for dinner and coffee. Now the only way i was comfortable with this is that i met her and we all became friends. i had to see their relationship for myself. i was very uncomfortable with it - but have since gotten to know her and we have had dinner by ourselves. He is friends with all of his ex's - but doesn't speak to them on any regular basis. I must say, that i am now a little more on guard about it than i used to be. I guess it is individual to the circumstance. My question would be - Why does a single female want to be friends with a married man - not just work aquaintences, friends? I think aquantences are fine - but i would be wary of how deep a friendship should go.

Just my two cents

[Jennifer26]

Deleted post. Didn't realize I had already posted in here.

[AlektraClementine]

two thoughts here:

 

My question would be - Why does a single female want to be friends with a married man - not just work aquaintences, friends? I think aquantences are fine - but i would be wary of how deep a friendship should go.

Just my two cents

 

One possibility (IMO) is that being friends with a married man is seemingly harmless. She can use the friendship to gain male perspective and also get that little bit of ego stroking she needs. It's not that it's malicious. Just not very thoughtful.

 

In my experience, if she's not as close (if not closer) with the wife, she has an agenda. Again, not necessarily tapping her fingernails in her laboratory in the basement. But an agenda, nonetheless. In these circumstances, men should ask themselves..."Is this a healthy friendship? Do I give and receive equal friendly support? Do we discuss things that I would feel comfortable with my wife overhearing?

[Thornton]

In general I think it's ok for married men to have female friends... as long as the relationship isn't too close or intimate, they don't spend too much time together, they have never dated or slept together, and the woman in question is also friendly towards the wife. Ideally she would be married or in a relationship herself.

 

However I think in your situation your husband is acting completely inappropriately. It all sounds very suspicious... he's hiding communications with her, meeting her secretly and not inviting you to go with him when he sees her, and they are both being completely inappropriate by talking about sexual things. Also as an ex-addict your husband should not be hanging around with a woman who "loves coke"!!!

 

He is having an emotional affair with this woman, and maybe a physical one: all contact between them has to stop now if your marriage is to stand any chance of recovery. He's trying to pretend this is all your problem, when in fact he's the one causing it by behaving inappropriately. Not only is he being inappropriate, this woman is too, because she knows he's married... don't trust her, you need to get her out of your lives. If he won't agree to stop seeing her then he's valuing her above you and he's not worth bothering with.

 

I would advise getting a keylogger to see what he types to her, and perhaps a gps tracker to see where he goes... sorry but it sounds like he's cheating

[looking4 green grass]

In general I think it's ok for married men to have female friends... as long as the relationship isn't too close or intimate, they don't spend too much time together, they have never dated or slept together, and the woman in question is also friendly towards the wife. Ideally she would be married or in a relationship herself.

 

However I think in your situation your husband is acting completely inappropriately. It all sounds very suspicious... he's hiding communications with her, meeting her secretly and not inviting you to go with him when he sees her, and they are both being completely inappropriate by talking about sexual things. Also as an ex-addict your husband should not be hanging around with a woman who "loves coke"!!!

 

He is having an emotional affair with this woman, and maybe a physical one: all contact between them has to stop now if your marriage is to stand any chance of recovery. He's trying to pretend this is all your problem, when in fact he's the one causing it by behaving inappropriately. Not only is he being inappropriate, this woman is too, because she knows he's married... don't trust her, you need to get her out of your lives. If he won't agree to stop seeing her then he's valuing her above you and he's not worth bothering with.

 

I would advise getting a keylogger to see what he types to her, and perhaps a gps tracker to see where he goes... sorry but it sounds like he's cheating

 

 

I completely agree with everything said here.

[mrslitig8trinNJ]

Thank you for your post. Me too. It's brutal and causing so much strain and stress on my marriage. This needy, always crossing the line female friend in my life needs to "go away." She's apologized to me once saying "You have a right to be upset with my behavior, I'm so ashamed." Yet she continues to do what she's been doing that is inappropriate. Have you received any advice yet? My husband said to me last night, "you win." Alleging that she's finally out of our lives, I don't believe him

[bayouboi]

Your husband is having an emotional affair with this woman, and I wouldn't be surprised if some physical lines haven't already been crossed.

 

I do not condone my husband having friendships with women. He is fully aware of this and okay with it (now). Of course I don't mind if my husband talks to another woman, or is friendly. What I mean by having a friendship is talking a lot, spending time alone together, discussing any intimate details about themselves and so forth.

 

I always felt this way, but it wasn't until 2005 when my husband had an emotional affair that I put my foot down. I am not the type who likes to give ultimatums, or be too controlling - but as far as I was concerned my husband WAS cheating on me and it was her or me.

 

It started innocently enough. They had a college paper to write together, and began joking around and talking outside of class quite a bit. That turned into meeting at a couple of restaurants between classes and eventually going to a couple of bars together for drinks. I found out he had been discussing our marital issues with her, and he was deleting all texts, phone history, etc. from her so I would not know when they were talking.

 

He didn't think there was anything wrong with it. When I told him he cut off ALL contact with her, or leave, he begrudgingly chose to cut off the friendship.

 

It wasn't until years later, when our marriage was in a better place that he admitted he loved the ego boost and that she flirted quite heavily with him. He swears it never became physical, but that he was absolutely in the wrong for his behavior and agrees that friendships with the opposite sex are not a good idea. He never even saw this coming, he says, but before he knew it he had a crush on this woman and was spending lots of time communicating and thinking about her.

 

Excellent post.