amorvincitomnia Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I was wondering how the married women here feel about their husbands having single female friends. What's okay? What isn't? I'm curious to know how other women handle this. I am dealing with a situation with my husband right now that is causing distress. We are going to see a marriage counselor, but I wanted to gauge what other couples do. It's also probably important for me to mention that we have a four month old son. Thanks for sharing your situations. AmorVincitOmnia
angie2443 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 You're going to get many differant opinions here. My opinion is that you have to be cautious when it comes to friends of the opposite sex and marriage. I used to be open to my husband having female friends untill one became to close for confort. He shared too much information with her and our relationship lost much of it's intimancy. People here would be better able to help if you shared the details of your concerns.
Gamine Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Growing up as a little girl my brothers and sisters (5 kids) played with the other kids in the neighborhood... boys and girls. I always had male friends and sometimes felt even more comfortable with male friends than female friends. Girls were always much more judgmental and cared about superficial things (looks, etc...) more than guys. So when I grew up and began working I still had male friends in the office who I had lunch with every day. I can say that I had absolutely nothing weird going on from my end. They were my office buddies. However, in retrospect, I wonder if it was the same on their side. I do believe it is totally possible for a man to be friends with a single woman, especially if he had sisters. Men raised with sisters are different than man who were raised without sisters.... they are able to form attachments with woman that are not sexual in nature. They are able to see girls in their own element with hot rollers, smeared mascara, crying over boys, etc... guys who don't have sisters see women from a 'media oriented' education. If a guy doesn't have sisters but was raised with girls (for example boys in my Sunday school class... knew them from when we were toddlers to high school) he can still learn to 'see' girls as people not just as sex objects. I had no problem whatsoever with my husband having female friends at work. They would call him on his cell phone... I didn't care. I think men and women can be friends and it doesn't always have to be sexual. I know I was not interested in any man from the office sexually... although, I cannot speak for them. Some men say that no man can be 'friends' with a woman... that they always think about the 'sexual' aspect. I don't know about that... But I wonder... since you are so upset about it, there may be undertones that you are picking up on... is that the case?
jmargel Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I've been married for 5 years and have quite a few female friends, some single. And you know what is strange? The single ones seem to have more of a control over where the boundaries lay then the ones who are married. Perhaps the married ones are not happy and they seek to fill that with another man but that is my experience. My wife knows all my friends, she's friends with them as well. There have been times that I've gone out to a bar with my single female friends and everytime nothing has happened. I think of them more of a sister type than anything. The thing here is communication and boundaries. When two friends (doesn't matter the sex) become closer more details about their personal lives are shared. It's a common thing that happens. Does it bring opposite sexes closer, emotionally? Every situation is different, however if either of them are married or in a relationship they need to know and understand the boundaries of the friendship. Also when one takes away time from their spouse to spend with their friend, then that's going over the boundary. Priority is always the spouse. I hope you can elaborate on your situation, since it's hard to give much more advice on it.
confusedinkansas Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I was wondering how the married women here feel about their husbands having single female friends. What's okay? What isn't? I'm curious to know how other women handle this. I am dealing with a situation with my husband right now that is causing distress. We are going to see a marriage counselor, but I wanted to gauge what other couples do. It's also probably important for me to mention that we have a four month old son. Thanks for sharing your situations. AmorVincitOmnia My husband has MANY Young Female "Friends." They are mostly in the bar/restaurant industry (current or former bartenders or waitresses that have waited on him & he used to own a bar years ago) He doesn't "Hang out"....with these girls - he just goes to see them while they are at work. But still refers to them as his friends. I have a few single male friends - but they are ALL friends with my husband as well. The part about this that I have a HUGE problem with - is with the ones I don't know. Most of them I do know & from my being very watchful, nothing inappropriate is going. They sort of look at him as a 'father figure.' To me he looks GREAT for his age - but to them - he is like a typical dad kinda guy (49, balding, overweight) Personally I'm 47 years old & I don't 'get off' being friends with kids that are my own children's ages.....but we do frequent a few places & know quite a few of the girls that work there but I know my place as the "MOM" of the joint...so to speak. So I'd say for you - Watch - Pay Attention - make friends with these girls. KNOW what's going on. Does he go out with these girls? In the evenings? Happy Hour? Does he work with them? How does he know them?
asireen Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 You're going to get many different opinions here. This is true, every case is different. You have to make a judgement based on your specific case. My wife did not like me having woman friends, single or married. If she saw me talking to a woman by myself, she would immediately walk up to us. This possessive and controlling tendency had a negative effect on the marriage and our relationship now is just lukewarm (although still married). I have female friends now, but she does'nt ask and I don't tell.
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 If the wife knows the friends too, and is friendly with them, then it's OK. If the 'friend' is hidden and a secret, it doesn't mean he's having an affair, but it means he's definately having a selfish kind of friendship, getting something out of it and that COULD lead to an affair, or at best an emotional one.
carhill Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 OP, why do you feel your four month old son is relevant to this dynamic?
angie2443 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 OP, why does this friendship cause you distress? What is your gut saying about this? This will be the most important thing to listen to.
angie2443 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 OP, why do you feel your four month old son is relevant to this dynamic? I don't know how the OP feels about this. I feel that having a child makes the situation more vulnerable. If I didn't have children when my husband and I were dealing with our problems, I would have left. It wouldh've been much easiar.
carhill Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 That's reasonable. I asked because the OP appeared to add that information as an addendum. Perhaps it is some insight to her psychology. IMO, it would be helpful to understand the dynamic around her becoming pregnant.
2sure Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 The infant is completely relevant. Perspectives, commitments, insecurities, and entire relationships change when a child enters the marriage. Especially for a woman who could still be hormonal or is feeling less attractive than she did a year ago. It all matters.
carhill Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Hopefully she'll return and fill us in before you all answer for her.
EnigmasMuse Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I never really had a problem with my ex husband having female friends..they would eat lunch together from work like a group of them etc. BUT if I ate lunch with male friends or something it was a different story, ha! That didn't go over to well...it was ok for him but not me..yeah ok.
angie2443 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 This is true, every case is different. You have to make a judgement based on your specific case. My wife did not like me having woman friends, single or married. If she saw me talking to a woman by myself, she would immediately walk up to us. This possessive and controlling tendency had a negative effect on the marriage and our relationship now is just lukewarm (although still married). I have female friends now, but she does'nt ask and I don't tell. Why not just be a respectful human bieng and divorce your wife. You both have very differant ideas of what a marriage is suppost to be and both of you are in for a world of hurt if you don't free each other and find people who share your values. I hope you all don't have children.
Author amorvincitomnia Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Sorry I wasn't able to respond right away. Here is some background: He knew this woman from high school. He reconnected with her on Facebook, and she lives in the next town over. My husband has had female friends in the past, and does have other female friends, but he doesn't spend the same amount of time and energy on them as I perceive he does with her. They started out IMing on Facebook, and she sent him a video of herself and her pet hedgehog. He had told me she had been a lesbian for a while, but apparently isn't now. She supposedly had a boyfriend in Maine who was living with his ex, but who has recently kicked the ex out. My husband also told me she said she had a crush on him in high school. We recently got a cell phone so I could call him in case there was an issue with the baby. She texts him, although I am not sure how often. For a while she was the only female in his address book. We share the phone. The first (and as far as I know only) time he hung out with a bar it was her and two of her female friends and my husband and two of his friends from work. I was not invited. I was very upset about this, but I didn't tell him not to go. He didn't ask, really he just kind of told me he was going. I was pretty livid about it. Prior to this she had text messaged him about them being "The two hottest people in the bar, and the only two people who wouldn't have herpes." The next day she posted on his Facebook wall that "She had left her morals at the bar along with his (my husband's) credit card". Of course I flipped. My husband told me that she had been making fun of retarded people and that is what she meant by that. Prior to this we had a rule for our marriage that you don't hang out with members of the opposite sex alone. I had asked my husband if he felt comfortable if I had a married male friend I had not seen in a while get together with me for lunch. he said he was uncomfortable with that, so I said that was perfectly fine. Now suddenly he wants to change the rules. He went to visit this woman at the bookstore where she works without asking me or telling me. I found out because he had charged books from there on our debit card. I was very angry when he came home, and he told me I didn't give him the chance to tell him where he'd gone. I found him talking on Facebook IM telling her how "absolutely extraordinary" she is, and she said he was absolutely extraordinary too. My husband doesn't seem to understand why I found this distressing. he said "Oh, now I can't compliment people now?" and that isn't the issue. He also told her vi IM that "his guy glands were working overtime and that he was in the mood to make some mischief" she asked "where's your wife?" and he told her I was running errands, which I was. He then went on to say how he was glad that our sex life was back following the baby. It still bothered me - I wouldn't tell a male friend I was feeling horny, I think that is inappropriate. The next problem came when we had plans to see a couple of friends on a Friday night who live about 40 minutes away. My husband is a mover, so his job can be very physically demanding, and during the summer sometimes has long hours. This particular Friday he calls me at 9 to let him know that it has been a long day, and he'd rather not take the baby out, drive 40 minutes to hang out and drive back since he'd been working since about 6 am. Then he asks me if I'm okay with him going to this woman's house with a couple of her friends to have some beers. I tell him I'm not comfortable with that, and he gets upset. He says he has to go, hangs up and then calls me back. I try to explain to him that not only am I uncomfortable, but I've been alone with the baby all day and that I'd like to go out too (we only have 1 car). He is very stubborn and complained that me being uncomfortable wasn't his problem. In the past he has said that I am feeling insecure and that isn't his problem either. I was so upset that I said fine, go and hung up. Ii wished I didn't say it was ok, because I definitely didn't mean it. He went, and didn't come home until 1:30am - did not call to tell me when he'd be home. Apparently it was him, this woman, and two other women who are her friends who he told me are lesbians. In another IM she told him how much she liked coke, and also about her having a one night stand recently. (My husband is a former addict). he said he has made it clear that he doesn't want that stuff around when he hangs out with her. This is someone my husband thinks is worthwhile to have as a friend? She sounds like trouble to me. She's 30 (a year younger than my husband). I have invited her to get together with us for coffee but she has not responded to my offer - which to me is another red flag. The latest blowup was two nights ago on our 6 year anniversary of being together, when my husband had made me a nice dinner. He went out for a cigarette, then came back in and was on the laptop while I cleaned the kitchen. The place was quite a mess, and I asked him to give me a hand. He said, "I'll be there in a minute". About 20 minutes go by, and I ask him if he's coming and he says "in a minute" again. I said "That's what you said 20 minutes ago" I walk in the bedroom to find him talking to her on Facebook. At this point I flip out - he can't not talk to her on our anniversary? After a huge fight, he told me that he was telling her that he had to take a break for a while while he and I worked some things out. I don't think he is cheating on me, but I do think his is acting inappropriately. I'm getting to the point where any interaction he has with her is making me crazy. He thinks he is doing nothing wrong, that I am being jealous and insecure. When I asked him what is so great about her he said that they share common interests (they are both artists and like to read), that she is witty, and sometimes she can be a little vicious (???) and he likes that/finds it entertaining. This just pissed me off. Does having this info help? I think writing it down here will help me better articulate my side to the marriage counselor when we see him next week.
stuckinoz Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 First of all - In your beginning paragraph - The fact that you were not invited is a HUGE RED FLAG...to me. Oh, now I can't compliment people now This is a bunch of hooie!! He is crossing the line with the way he is complimenting her. My husband does this 'on occasion'. Tells his female friends (the waitress/bartender 20'somethings') That they ROCK! or "You should be a model"......... makes me wanna barf. BUT - he does compliment me too. Does your husband compliment you? Tell you that you look nice, smell nice etc? He also told her vi IM that "his guy glands were working overtime and that he was in the mood to make some mischief" she asked "where's your wife?" and he told her I was running errands, which I was. He then went on to say how he was glad that our sex life was back following the baby. It still bothered me - I wouldn't tell a male friend I was feeling horny, I think that is inappropriate. How are you privvy to this information about his IMing? don't think he is cheating on me, but I do think his is acting inappropriately Really? Then what's the "Break" about? If he's not cheating? What is he breaking from? He is apparently not hiding anything from you. But for him to tell you nothing is going on - Even to me (I know - this is only one side of the story) It just seems there IS most definitely something going on here. He's trying to make you think that this is ALL YOUR PROBLEM. But the reality is that it's HIS inappropriate PROBLEM. Can't tell you what to say to him, cuz he's your husband - but I'd at least try to have a serious conversation with him about this.
1Angel Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 You aren't out of line or oversensitive. Given the details he is acting out of bounds.
dixiepix Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 I never really had a problem with my ex husband having female friends..they would eat lunch together from work like a group of them etc. BUT if I ate lunch with male friends or something it was a different story, ha! That didn't go over to well...it was ok for him but not me..yeah ok. Just curious. My current husband is the same way, goes to lunch with single female coworkers... (funny NONE of them are married). His cell phone reveals calls to these friends after he's gotten off work, usually during his 40 minute commute home, etc. But, a few years ago when I was in college, I had "homework groupies". We shared answers to assignments. When I got phone calls, they were straight to the point, and he still would call the male of the group, my boyfriend. It truly ticked me off. We never even ate a meal together! And phone calls were business only! (Nursing School dumps so much on a person, classmates must team together to complete assignments). Even after 10 years, same old stuff, just further down the road! So is that why he is now the ex?
2sure Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 His relationship with this woman is inappropriate and damaging your marriage. Not only is the relationship damaging your marriage but the fact that he has lied and hid the relationship , and meetings with her, from you is a huge red flag. Please do not buy his excuse: I would have told you but knew you would be upset. Thats classic. This is what cheating is. This is betrayal.
EnigmasMuse Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Just curious. My current husband is the same way, goes to lunch with single female coworkers... (funny NONE of them are married). His cell phone reveals calls to these friends after he's gotten off work, usually during his 40 minute commute home, etc. But, a few years ago when I was in college, I had "homework groupies". We shared answers to assignments. When I got phone calls, they were straight to the point, and he still would call the male of the group, my boyfriend. It truly ticked me off. We never even ate a meal together! And phone calls were business only! (Nursing School dumps so much on a person, classmates must team together to complete assignments). Even after 10 years, same old stuff, just further down the road! So is that why he is now the ex? No, there were alot of other factors that played in why he is an ex.
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 If anything, he's definately having an emotional affair with her and BOTH of them are getting ego feeds out of it. This isn't about you, the marriage or your life together, it's all about HIM and how this woman makes him feel. He is gaslighting you, making it seem like you're the one with the problem, you have trust issues when he isn't doing anything wrong. That's total bullcrap and he's in an affairfog and not thinking - He's too busy justifying his actions and can't/won't see the damage it's doing to you and the marriage.
Author amorvincitomnia Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Jesus, I didn't know it was possible to be in so much pain. Their stupid little innuendos continue on FB status messages, and he was up late last night on BF. When I came in I didn't see him messaging her, but I had the feeling he was. I feel totally betrayed and that my trust has been violated. And I HATE how he keeps making it out that I am causing the problem. I feel physically ill and can't stop these crying jags. I don't even know how I am going to hang in until Wednesday. I would never have imagined him being like this. I'm crushed.
stuckinoz Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 His behaviors sound similar to my husbands. Denying anything is going on & twisting blame so it's your fault. Until you do something drastic he's not going to see what he's doing is very damaging. I'm not saying threaten & not back it up with actions - I"m sure you've been all over the spectrum of emotions with him over this (crying, pleading, being a bitch, to not caring at all) But until he sees that you mean business, that this should not be going on in an marriage - He's going to continue doing it. You just have to ask yourself, where is your breaking point?
2sure Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 I fear that you expecting way too much out of your upcoming session of MC. The MC is not going to tell you or your H that either of you is ight or wrong. Dont expect ANYTHING like that. He/she will listen to you interact with each other.
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