StartingOver101 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Ok so new dating scene and in need of urgent for help and/or opinions. Quick back ground, situation, then question. Please hang in there through this with me as it is kind of long. So I am 42 and recently separated and going through divorce after a 19 year marriage. Trying to get back into the dating scene and have been dating various women for about 6 months and not having the luck I would like to with the ones I like. The ones I am interested throw the LJBF (Lets Just Be Friends) statement at me after telling me how great I am and then informing me of having no ‘chemistry’ with me. The ones I am not so interested in seem to want more than I want to give. Last Sunday, I had brunch with an absolutely gorgeous woman that I met on an online dating site. It went well although I could tell she wasn’t feeling chemistry. As usual, I tended to ramble on about my life experiences (captive audience?) as the silent moments were killing me. She talked a little and seemed to be interested in what I had to say but didn’t ask many questions. Date started and ended with an awkward hug. I am never sure whether or not to hug or ? when I first meet someone. So then that night I sent her a thank you note for meeting with me and told her I was interested in seeing her again and was hoping she felt the same. These were her responses; “ … I really had a nice time with you this afternoon, and I do like you a lot. I have to admit I didn't really feel that instant click with you. It seems as if the past few years I have mostly been attracted to men who really don't treat me that well. I wish I knew why that was, I should probably spend some time on some psychiatrist's couch for sure. Maybe I should try a different approach...so that being said, I would like to get together with you again, if that's still what you want. Of course there are no guarantees, but you know there never is. … “ “ … I don’t go for the obvious bad boy. I have however noticed a pattern over the past few years that I tend to pass over the clearly nice man and opt for someone with a little more mystery. Well, I have found that rarely does the mysterious part of a man turn out to be some wonderful trait that they are hiding from the world. Or maybe it’s that my husband was such a nice guy when I met him, and then turned out to be not so nice. Who knows? While I didn’t feel that immediate chemistry with you, there was absolutely nothing I could point to that I didn’t like about you. I’m certain you are somebody that I could be friends with, just not sure at this point about more. I wanted you to know how I felt before we moved on to a second date…thought it was only fair. So yes, Saturday would work for me. I’m sure whatever you plan will be wonderful. … “ So, it looks like I have one more chance to escape being her friend and become her man. I need help and advice! I plan on bringing her flowers on Saturday, taking her to a nice restaurant by the coast, and then out to a comedy show. Any opinions on these for sparking chemistry or destroying it for that matter? Any advice or suggestions? So what do I know about myself .. Not secure enough in who I am right now. Get nervous and tend to ramble on when a silent period hits. Shallow breather. Tend to want to please the one I am with overly much. Try to impress that someone with actions and words. Tend to over think a situation instead of just living it. Tend to be more of a caring person and wear my feelings on my sleeve. Have basically been the raiser of my kids and caretaker of the house in all aspects due to my ex’s work and extensive travels. So I guess I am a bit stuck in the ‘feminine’ role. I have THREE days to get to the point where I can CREATE chemisty with this woman who I find myself completely drawn to . I need help, advice, quick fixes, anything anyone can share or offer is appreciated. I am in this for the long haul but would love to make something happen with this woman on a deep level BEYOND being another friend! Thanks in advance for any help!!
lucy9216 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I am really sorry but did you say you only met her once? and she is giving you her entire life dating history/story? maybe it is just me but this certainly seems like a really big red flag for trouble.
Author StartingOver101 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 well, yes ... we have only seen each other the one time but have traded emails for a week or so. it's like she is warning me that she is not interested yet still wants to go out? But, regardless of this particular situation, I guess I need to learn to man up. I seem to get the nice guy but no attraction (even though they say I am attractive) thing all the time.
Thaddeus Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 What you're experiencing is completely normal. I've been there too (and I've got about 8 years on you). Here are a few small things that may help. I had originally thought of outlining some things that help draw attraction (even typed it all up) but instead I'm going to try a different approach. How to ensure that "chemistry" (whatever it is) will NOT happen: Try hard to impress her. Call her. A lot. Don't give her the opportunity to miss you. Be really open and honest about your feelings. Think, think, think again but take no action. Don't let her speak about what interests her. Stay focused on what interests you, to the point of completely excluding her. Build up your "feminine" role and qualities to her. Let her choose the restaurant or other venue. Let her take the lead. Pretend to be somebody you're not. Talk about incontinence or your bowels. Sit in the front row at the comedy show so the comedian can poke fun at you and your date. Always insist on paying. Tell her that you're OK with starting as 'friends'. The next day after your date, immediately contact her and tell her you had a wonderful time and that she's a very special lady. Get the picture?
Author StartingOver101 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 OK ... thanks for the tips! Obviously I have already failed some of these but will remember them for next time. Just hoping to salvage this attempt if possible!
Thaddeus Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 OK ... thanks for the tips! Obviously I have already failed some of these but will remember them for next time. Just hoping to salvage this attempt if possible!We're all works in progress, my friend. They're not failures, they're simply lessons for next time. (I know, it's a tired and hackneyed phrase, but it does have the benefit of actually being true.)
Jilly Bean Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hon, I'm sorry to say this, as I know you're new to dating again and getting your sea legs, but, you are already friendzoned, and that won't change. What she's trying to do, is convince herself that she should date a nice guy, someone like yourself, but also someone she has no chemistry with. She's using you as a personal growth experiment, and one that will most certainly end with her telling you it's not going to work out. Personally, I wouldn't even waste my time. There comes a point of having personal pride, and telling a chick to piss off. I mean, although I appreciate her honesty, you're pretty much a weinie to put up with this. But, it sounds like the only reason you're interested in her, is because of her looks. Because beyond that, I don't see any kind of real connection. You prattled on about yourself, she asked you no questions, didn't talk much... That all being said, if you insist on still taking her out, I wouldn't bother with any of the bells and whistles. Keep it simple. You can't manifest chemistry where it doesn't exist, and she has already told you that it doesn't exist, so courting her seems silly.
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Please don't go by Thad's list. It was ridiculous. My H made a few of those "mistakes":rolleyes on your list:. Worked for me!
prettybaby Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 How to ensure that "chemistry" (whatever it is) will NOT happen: Try hard to impress her. Always insist on paying. The next day after your date, immediately contact her and tell her you had a wonderful time and that she's a very special lady. Wait, what's wrong with these? Call me weird, but they are bonus points in my book lol
Touche Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Wait, what's wrong with these? Call me weird, but they are bonus points in my book lol I know, right? And that one about being friends or something first. That was the one that really reeled me in! It was the usual silly nonsense we see on here often. I really don't think men should ever give other men dating advice.
lucy9216 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I just say be yourself, nothing can be more exhausting than trying to act like someone you are not. In the end it will only hurt both of you. I am sure there are a few things that could be worked on, like still being the good guy as you are already but leave a little mystery. Dont provide your entire life story from the very beginning. Unveal a little more each time you meet. Otherwise, I would suggest just waiting for the one that is right for you and will love you and accept you just as you are:)
bac Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Was is just polite rejection? I did not read the whole text well because it was too long so I may be wrong. But I thought that the statement "let us be friends" is polite rejection. May be it is just my opinion.
hopesndreams Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Just be yourself. No act. There is bound to be someone out that will find that charming and be hooked.
hopesndreams Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 “ … I really had a nice time with you this afternoon, and I do like you a lot. I have to admit I didn't really feel that instant click with you. It seems as if the past few years I have mostly been attracted to men who really don't treat me that well. I wish I knew why that was, I should probably spend some time on some psychiatrist's couch for sure. Maybe I should try a different approach...so that being said, I would like to get together with you again, if that's still what you want. Of course there are no guarantees, but you know there never is. … “ “ … I don’t go for the obvious bad boy. I have however noticed a pattern over the past few years that I tend to pass over the clearly nice man and opt for someone with a little more mystery. Well, I have found that rarely does the mysterious part of a man turn out to be some wonderful trait that they are hiding from the world. Or maybe it’s that my husband was such a nice guy when I met him, and then turned out to be not so nice. Who knows? While I didn’t feel that immediate chemistry with you, there was absolutely nothing I could point to that I didn’t like about you. I’m certain you are somebody that I could be friends with, just not sure at this point about more. I wanted you to know how I felt before we moved on to a second date…thought it was only fair. So yes, Saturday would work for me. I’m sure whatever you plan will be wonderful. … “ Sounds like a nut. She has no intention of you being something more. She is only after an ego stroke.
Sam Spade Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Yeah, I agree that this one is pretty much a lost cause at this point. Not that things couldn't turn around eventually, but her opennes is borderline disrespect. The only thing I'd do is to call her on her bullshet. Maybe she'll snap out of it. Just email her back "Hey, missy, I'm not going to be the subject of conversation at your next therapist appointment, so you can just lick my bollocks!" (I'm serious!)
lord alfred douglas Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 If she is really good looking and has a history of dating "bad boys" a nice middle aged gentleman like yourself doesnt have a snowballs chance in hell
Author StartingOver101 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Crap! Why cant I just find someone who clicks with me? I want to try one last time to see if 'chemistry' happens but after all that has been said ... I know I havent been at this very long but I AM a good guy and deserve and want happiness. So, I shouldnt even attempt to see what Saturday may bring as doing so only degrades me? I just thought perhaps chemistry doesnt always click right away. I know I can send the wrong signals at times as this is all so new to me. It is not so much that she is pretty as much as it is that I am attracted to her. I am 42 ... all the 'other' women my age have seemed so much older. Superficial ... perhaps but I dont look or feel 42. My ex cheated on me and ripped my heart out and I am just looking for happiness again. You all were right about my ex cheating on me when I posted her 6 months ago and I feel I should follow your advice now as well. I just ... am lonely I guess. I am trying to learn to be ok with being alone but after 19 years, it is not easy. I have 80% custody of my kids and that is nice but my bed is empty. I am tired of waking up alone and reaching for someone who isnt there. I have tried to do right and be right and now feel like I dug my own grave by doing so. Women are a difficult thing ...
lord alfred douglas Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I'm sure you are lonley, but that doesnt change the facts of life. And no-one is saying you shouldn't date her if you have the opportunity, just be realistic about the whole thing. What is so great about this woman anyways? Is she exceptionally charming in some way? If so I didn't see any indication of it in anything youve written As a good single father Im sure there are single mothers out there who are more compatible, but yes its difficult
Author StartingOver101 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 OK ... so here is what I am going to send her if I do not hear something from her tonight that changes things. Please let me know what you all think! "XXXXXXX, I am attracted to you as more than a friend, I think that much is clear to us both! I want to be more than just your friend … I want to be your lover and companion! If you do not feel that this is possible then Saturday is a waste of both of our time. I am VERY willing to give it another try to see what happens but not if you are just being nice. I do not want to do so if I have a ‘snow balls chance in hell’. I do not want to be relegated to the ‘friend zone’ with you. I have enough friends and need, want, and deserve more. I may not be that mysterious but I can tell you I have my times. I want you physically and emotionally and if you can’t at least give me some chance at both then let’s just call it off. You have been sending me mixed signals and I have been struggling to make sense of it all. What do you want? Do you want a man that is strong on the surface but lacks substance or do you want one that has some of both? I am a good man, lover, friend, and companion … but I do not want to be just part of this equation. So you can decide if you want to try and see where this goes or move on. I have plans for Saturday and would love to see them through, but I can cancel them and move on if you are unsure of what YOU want. I want to pick you up from your house and take you out on Saturday for a fun time. Then I hope to bring you back and kiss you. Can you possibly deal with that? If yes, then let’s do this … if not then let’s call it for what it is. I have been overly communicative with you perhaps, but that is me. You have not initiated much of anything which worries me. Fish or cut bait XXXXXXXXX"
Citizen Drawn Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 OK ... so here is what I am going to send her if I do not hear something from her tonight that changes things. Please let me know what you all think! "XXXXXXX, I am attracted to you as more than a friend, I think that much is clear to us both! I want to be more than just your friend … I want to be your lover and companion! If you do not feel that this is possible then Saturday is a waste of both of our time. I am VERY willing to give it another try to see what happens but not if you are just being nice. I do not want to do so if I have a ‘snow balls chance in hell’. I do not want to be relegated to the ‘friend zone’ with you. I have enough friends and need, want, and deserve more. I may not be that mysterious but I can tell you I have my times. I want you physically and emotionally and if you can’t at least give me some chance at both then let’s just call it off. You have been sending me mixed signals and I have been struggling to make sense of it all. What do you want? Do you want a man that is strong on the surface but lacks substance or do you want one that has some of both? I am a good man, lover, friend, and companion … but I do not want to be just part of this equation. So you can decide if you want to try and see where this goes or move on. I have plans for Saturday and would love to see them through, but I can cancel them and move on if you are unsure of what YOU want. I want to pick you up from your house and take you out on Saturday for a fun time. Then I hope to bring you back and kiss you. Can you possibly deal with that? If yes, then let’s do this … if not then let’s call it for what it is. I have been overly communicative with you perhaps, but that is me. You have not initiated much of anything which worries me. Fish or cut bait XXXXXXXXX" Mate, seriously don't send this. In fact, don't send her anything and you're busy on Saturday. If she want to arrange something she can do it. That might make her have a rethink.
Jilly Bean Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 OK ... so here is what I am going to send her if I do not hear something from her tonight that changes things. Please let me know what you all think! "XXXXXXX, I am attracted to you as more than a friend, I think that much is clear to us both! I want to be more than just your friend … I want to be your lover and companion! If you do not feel that this is possible then Saturday is a waste of both of our time. I am VERY willing to give it another try to see what happens but not if you are just being nice. I do not want to do so if I have a ‘snow balls chance in hell’. I do not want to be relegated to the ‘friend zone’ with you. I have enough friends and need, want, and deserve more. I may not be that mysterious but I can tell you I have my times. I want you physically and emotionally and if you can’t at least give me some chance at both then let’s just call it off. You have been sending me mixed signals and I have been struggling to make sense of it all. What do you want? Do you want a man that is strong on the surface but lacks substance or do you want one that has some of both? I am a good man, lover, friend, and companion … but I do not want to be just part of this equation. So you can decide if you want to try and see where this goes or move on. I have plans for Saturday and would love to see them through, but I can cancel them and move on if you are unsure of what YOU want. I want to pick you up from your house and take you out on Saturday for a fun time. Then I hope to bring you back and kiss you. Can you possibly deal with that? If yes, then let’s do this … if not then let’s call it for what it is. I have been overly communicative with you perhaps, but that is me. You have not initiated much of anything which worries me. Fish or cut bait XXXXXXXXX" Oy. BEYOND pathetic. Can someone please slap him around to man up already?
Author StartingOver101 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 UGGHH!!! is there a book on this or perhaps a pamphlet? I thought that was good! Ok, I get what you are saying ... please 'enlighten' this stump more! Write the letter I should send her. Guide me, please! Even if it doesn't work for this bird, maybe it will for the next! I should have joined a monastery!
Jilly Bean Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 UGGHH!!! is there a book on this or perhaps a pamphlet? I thought that was good! Ok, I get what you are saying ... please 'enlighten' this stump more! Write the letter I should send her. Guide me, please! Even if it doesn't work for this bird, maybe it will for the next! I should have joined a monastery! Stump - send her NOTHING. Oh, scratch that. Send her an email, thanking her for her honesty and openness in her note, but after giving it a second thought, you have decided this is not something you'd like to pursue. DONE.
Citizen Drawn Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 UGGHH!!! is there a book on this or perhaps a pamphlet? I thought that was good! Ok, I get what you are saying ... please 'enlighten' this stump more! Write the letter I should send her. Guide me, please! Even if it doesn't work for this bird, maybe it will for the next! I should have joined a monastery! Don't Send Her Anything She gushed out what she wants, by not responding you're making it f*cking clear what you want.
Author StartingOver101 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 OK ... I am just trying to work this out! Oui~
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