hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Not the only reason I want to send it, but Yes, he should feel guilty. I do want that. I think that's a perfectly normal feeling, I wasn't asking to be condescending, was just trying to better understand why you think you NEED this to move on. He hurt me(not just because we broke up), and he deserves to be hurt even worse. If he had someone who genuinely loved and accepted him, and he shat all over that (what's up with that rhyming?) then he is already hurt worse, it just may be something that he comes to see years down the road. I also feel some guilt so I want to send it to relieve my conscious and apologize for anything I could have done better. I want him to know I'm aware of my faults, and I could have improved on my part. I think a lot of people think people aren't aware of their faults or capable of making changes, especially in relationships. I get what you're saying, but what I worry about for you, is it's clear that what you really want right now is for this guy to realise he's wrong and come back begging. You are still seeking HIS approval. That's why I'm concerned for you, because you are likely never going to get it during the time it MATTERS to you, you may get it one day down the road once you've moved on .. that has happened in all but one scenario for me. He seems to think he is such a nice guy, or hell maybe he knows he's not. I want him to know that I think he is not a good guy for the way he handled this and for other reasons...that he may not be aware of. Like I said I'm very verbal, and I get pleasure out of getting things off my chest for whatever reasons Honestly, from what I've read of your story all the truth in the world isn't going to make this guy see what a d-bag he's been. I remember one time I got this guy who was a first class a-hole to listen to me, I vented everything off my chest, I thought I was going to feel better once I did. But honestly? I just felt worse. He was a jerk and I thought I NEEDED that confrontation to move on, and once I'd had it, I realised I could of moved on just fine without it. That said, maybe that's what you need to realise it too. So I guess I understand that, also.
moo Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Yes, my ex too. Gosh, he was so unfair to me and treated me so badly. One of the few times he answered my email, he said "You're in the anger stage. That's good if it will help you to heal completely from this." Yes, I was mad and insulting to him...but he never apologized for anything, anything he did to me and never acknowledged what he did either. Oh well, I miss him so much, but I know he's not worth my time.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I may be a bit over emotional today. I feel guilty like I should have communicated things better and I know what I did wrong. However, I did mention my apology is not excusing anything he said or done because he handled things wrong as well. I am willing to admit what I did on my part poorly, I think that is better than blaming someone else for everything. I also hate him thinking I may not be aware of my faults. I do actually feel bad about some things and know I was wrong, but I'm also upset for him being so insensitive. I guess I have a heavy conscious, but I'm not blaming myself, or at least not entirely. Its not like I'm just writing an apology letter, but I also want him to know that I think he was way WRONG about things. I guess I do want him to feel bad, like "oh no, what if I made a mistake;she knows what she did and what if I had given her another chance, things might have been different", but I'm not wanting to get back with him. At this point, I would never trust him again, so no purpose. I basically want him to feel like a POS. I think I would almost love it if he tried to contact me, and I could just flat out ignore him. Maybe that is what I really want. That is immature I'm sure, but I don't care. By the way, the letter is not that big of a deal. It sounds very mature, and covers things briefly. I am not going to send it for at least a week or so..so never know maybe I will decide to not do it. Sorry if any of this is confusing, maybe I'm not thinking clearly after all. What? Why would you apologize for what's wrong with you, as if you are worthy of redemption, but then say those things in the same paragraph? Although I think he was ultimately in the wrong for how he dealt with things, I think you're lying by apologizing for yourself. I don't mean to be offensive or mean. Just objective for your own benefit. You are not thinking clearly. In my honest opinion, don't send the letter. Too much emotional instability currently. I recommend against it.
sandy12345678993 Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Our situations are a little different. You had a fight, and your ex up and left without a goodbye. Mine asked for a break, promised he would be back, and then left without a goodbye. They are both cowardly azzholes. I thought I needed to say things to him and let him know how he made me feel. So, I wrote him a letter. Mail was my only means of communicating with him. It was 3 pages of thoughts and emotions and questions, and I sent him a picture of his favorite moment with me. I felt like I deserved answers (because I did). It probably made me look needy and desperate and irrational, but I didn't care. I wrote beautiful, touching things that only he would appreciate. And I sent it. The good news is that it never came back to me "refused-return-to-sender." That would have hurt even more. The bad news is that he never responded, and it's been 2 months. I made up excuses that maybe he wasn't home to get it yet or that is was jumbled up with other mail and he hadn't found it yet. But No, he didn't want to tell me "It's over. Goodbye." He didn't want to talk to me anymore. He changed his phone number, for pete's sake. HE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR FROM ME OR TALK TO ME. He's made that painfully obvious. I like to think he read it and felt guilty, but I'll never know. Maybe he threw it away because he saw that it was from me. I felt better when I sent it because it at least gave him an opportunity to hear how I felt about him regardless of if he read it. It's his decision to respond or not respond, and I can't make him do anything. Sorry................ The point is, send the letter if you think it's for the best. I don't regret for a minute that I sent mine, even if I did make me look like a blubbering fool. Did it help my healing process? Maybe not. But it was the right thing for me to do at the time, and I would have regretted it even more if I hadn't. If you have no expectations, then it doesn't matter what the outcome is. My opinion is that he won't respond. He may not even read it, but that's his decision and you have to accept his decision. Cowards rarely appreciate being called out for their ways. Send it if you want, but then go out and do something wonderful and beautiful just for yourself because YOU DESERVE IT. Go out and make your own self happy. That's what this whole process is about anyway.
doublescorpio Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I honestly wouldn't send him a thing. I have been in your position before, I was young (teenager) and still developing emotionally. I was hurt in a cruel way and had no closure. It was incredibly upsetting. I also had tried to contact him a couple times, and knew he threw away my messages/ignored me etc. I was going to do the same thing you are now, with a letter, I felt he deserved to feel some of the pain I went through. But then a very wise person told me "he is already over you- emotionally dead towards you. The only thing he will gain from reading how you feel, is how to be a better boyfriend to the next girl he dates". I realized, they were right, why the heck should I give him information that would make him a better guy to someone else when he messed me up already? I would be doing him a favor! So what I did was far more productive for me. I knew his parents fairly well, and left THEM a letter instead about what he had done to hurt me, and to a minor nonetheless. Their *perfect* son was no longer so perfect to them. The s*** hit the fan then, they were VERY disappointed in him and he at that point tried to contact me. And what did I do? Ignored him. It felt so good. I moved on immediately and started a loving relationship with another fellow very soon afterwards. The bad experience with the ex taught me exactly what to avoid in future relationships. Instead of me teachng him how to treat women (as it would have been if I had sent the letter) HE ended up teaching ME what I wanted in a partner. I don't really suggest you do as I did, as it worked in my case but would be very wrong to do in other scenarios. But I hope you can see the lesson I am trying to tell you through it.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Well, that may be a lot different, you were a young teenager haha. Yeah, I thought about sending it to his parents, or mom should I say. I think that seems a little crazy, so I wouldn't do it. She may or may not care what her son did, and I wouldn't doubt if she cared. If she said something to him about the situation, he probably would throw lies at her, and make it look like I"m crazy and he did nothing. Well, my letter isn't even a page long, and its just some things I want to say, and I think he wouldn't be expecting anything in the actual mail. He either reads it or he doesn't. He does seem to take things rather personal, is insecure, and is a very sensitive person in general, so I would think it would get to him somewhat. If not, oh well. It still hasn't been that long since all this happened either. Unless he completely lied about his feelings for me, he has to be experiencing some type of emotions over this. Or maybe not if he is really cold hearted. In this situation, I have a feeling he does care about me, but because we kept having disputes, he just couldn't deal with it anymore. Who knows, maybe he lied the entire time and I didn't mean anything to him. If he did happen to contact me, it would be difficult, because I would be curious what he has to say, but I would probably ignore him. Yes, that would be good to gain the opportunity to do that back, like he has done to me. I honestly wouldn't send him a thing. I have been in your position before, I was young (teenager) and still developing emotionally. I was hurt in a cruel way and had no closure. It was incredibly upsetting. I also had tried to contact him a couple times, and knew he threw away my messages/ignored me etc. I was going to do the same thing you are now, with a letter, I felt he deserved to feel some of the pain I went through. But then a very wise person told me "he is already over you- emotionally dead towards you. The only thing he will gain from reading how you feel, is how to be a better boyfriend to the next girl he dates". I realized, they were right, why the heck should I give him information that would make him a better guy to someone else when he messed me up already? I would be doing him a favor! So what I did was far more productive for me. I knew his parents fairly well, and left THEM a letter instead about what he had done to hurt me, and to a minor nonetheless. Their *perfect* son was no longer so perfect to them. The s*** hit the fan then, they were VERY disappointed in him and he at that point tried to contact me. And what did I do? Ignored him. It felt so good. I moved on immediately and started a loving relationship with another fellow very soon afterwards. The bad experience with the ex taught me exactly what to avoid in future relationships. Instead of me teachng him how to treat women (as it would have been if I had sent the letter) HE ended up teaching ME what I wanted in a partner. I don't really suggest you do as I did, as it worked in my case but would be very wrong to do in other scenarios. But I hope you can see the lesson I am trying to tell you through it.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Thanks for asking. Well, better than yesterday morning, but of course still woke up and first thing popped into my head"wow, its really over with him". I hate that and my stomach gets a knot in it. Had some weird dreams as well. Anyways, I had a major crying fit yesterday, more so than I have in a while. Thank god for crying, it really helps to get things out. If I didn't cry, I would be dead from the pent up stress. Also, I think writing that letter helped a lot to. How are you feeling this morning hun?
hoping2heal Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Thanks for asking. Well, better than yesterday morning, but of course still woke up and first thing popped into my head"wow, its really over with him". I hate that and my stomach gets a knot in it. Had some weird dreams as well. Anyways, I had a major crying fit yesterday, more so than I have in a while. Thank god for crying, it really helps to get things out. If I didn't cry, I would be dead from the pent up stress. Also, I think writing that letter helped a lot to. The crying definately helps us relieve ourselves. I know what feeling you're talking about. It's really awful. I think the worst for me was when I'd have a dream where we would reconcile, then I would wake up and reality would hit me. It was all just a dream. It seemed too cruel at the time. That went on for awhile, it was trully an awful feeling. I actually was so deeply affected at first I didn't eat for 9 days, and I'd only sleep when I'd crash from inevitble exhaustion. It was a really painful period. But that's why I'm here, I represent the life after the death in a relationship . I have been trully and deeply in love with someone, extremely affected by them, but I eventually did move on once I'd gotten to accept it was over. Then sometime after I had moved on, I met the bright little shining star that I am so in love with now. I know how all you guys feel, I have been there.
moo Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 a and d, what are you going to do for yourself today to make yourself feel better?
doublescorpio Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 He does seem to take things rather personal, is insecure, and is a very sensitive person in general, so I would think it would get to him somewhat. If not, oh well. If he did happen to contact me, it would be difficult, because I would be curious what he has to say, but I would probably ignore him. Yes, that would be good to gain the opportunity to do that back, like he has done to me. Why do you want to get to him? I think you need to ask yourself if revenge is the best thing to do. The thing is that we cannot control other people's emotions and getting back at someone almost ALWAYS backfires. I know this is painful, but perhaps you are making it tougher on yourself by focusing your energy on the wrong thing. You had no closure, and still do not. It is highly unlikey you will ever get any, because some people are just nuts and have abnormal behavior. Perhaps this guy is a narcissist and doesn't think he owes you anything. Why don't you write more letters to him? Just writing is therapeutic. Write as though you mean to give him every letter, but then tuck them away. It is amazing how good it feels to get the hurt out by letter writing. Make a list about what this relationship has taught you, and put all your hurt aside for that period. This too is therapeutic and can show you signs that you saw and want to avoid next time.
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