aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I was on here earlier today, and very upset. Anyways, I realized the main reason I'm having such a hard time with my breakup, is I have the need to get things off my chest and I'm very verbal. My ex did not allow me to speak to him again, and abruptly broke things off with me. I tried to call him, and send numerous messages online, but heard nothing back. He may have got the messages, but it bothers me knowing he may not have. He told me that a lot of his emails go to spam, and the few messages I sent on Myspace, the status still shows unread. I decided to write him a brief letter, and I'm going to send it in the mail. I felt I got most things off my chest, without going over board. What has upset me is that I didn't get to talk to him face to face, or on the phone, and tell him what I think. I also feel bad about some things I could have done differently in relationship. I wanted to apologize to him for that, despite him being an insensitive jerk. Its hard to move on when you have so many things you want to say to someone. I normally am able to move on, once I have spoke my mind, but I have felt as though I haven't really. I didn't always use to be so assertive. I would hold things in when something bothered me. This relationship was VERY important to me and even though we are done, I need to know that he hears me out.He obviously doesn't want to hear me, but I have the need to speak. Of course, he may still avoid reading my letter in the mail, but what else can I do. I figure he has a better chance of reading it, than something I send online. I will feel better I got things off my chest, and saying what I needed to. I even mentioned in the letter I will not be trying to contact him again, and I definitely will not. I just hope of course he gets the letter and reads it. That is what is So frustrating about this. IF he had just spoke with me on the phone or through email. I was left with all these extra pent-up emotions.
moo Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I understand. I just want to warn you though, when I sent emails or called, I always thought I would feel better, until he answered in a condenscending way, answered like he didn't know who I was, or ignored me. In the end I felt worse, every time. I do hope it's different for you. I hope this helps you. We are here for you.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I understand. I just want to warn you though, when I sent emails or called, I always thought I would feel better, until he answered in a condenscending way, answered like he didn't know who I was, or ignored me. In the end I felt worse, every time. I do hope it's different for you. I hope this helps you. We are here for you. Yeah, I thought of that, but I don't think he has the guts to. I wouldn't doubt if he ever answered to me or said another word. He is totally weird. If he ignores me, what is new. At least I said what I needed to, the only thing is it may still bug me thinking..."what if the letter got lost", "what if he noticed its from me and pitched in the trash without reading"...but you can't force a person to hear you out. I'm not physically going to this place and demanding his time, he isn't worth the time or gas, plus that would look like he is that important that I drive an hour for him:rolleyes:
georgia girl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I know how you feel - there were a million times I think of when more "And another..." thing I wanted to say to him. This is a natural part of the letting go stage. Like Moo, I'll warn you though. When you contact them in anyway, it's just a letdown. Whether they're nice or nasty, whether they acknowledge it or not, it's a letdown. The most empowering thing in the world is to not contact them at all. Slowly it gets better and easier. You still have rotten days, but they're not as bad once there's no contact. Trust me. I've done both and this is better.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 See, the problem is, he won't reply. I'm telling you, he won't. He will probably throw it away without reading it. So then you are going to wonder: How do I STILL tell him the things that I want to tell him? You see, you are just falling into a repetitive mode of defective thinking. If you truly wanted to be okay, you wouldn't have sent it. This isn't the right thing. You would've been 100x better off writing it and burning it. I suggest you start right NOW convincing yourself that you aren't going to try and contact him AGAIN in another way.
hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I know how you feel - there were a million times I think of when more "And another..." thing I wanted to say to him. This is a natural part of the letting go stage. Like Moo, I'll warn you though. When you contact them in anyway, it's just a letdown. Whether they're nice or nasty, whether they acknowledge it or not, it's a letdown. The most empowering thing in the world is to not contact them at all. Slowly it gets better and easier. You still have rotten days, but they're not as bad once there's no contact. Trust me. I've done both and this is better. I agree it's a let down. I think what you're seeking is a sign that he still cares about you, i.e he is going to listen to you. You're having a hard time because losing someone you love hurts, we don't always get answers or opportunities but once we get those answers or opportunities to speak, then the reality that it didn't make a difference, the relationship is still over sets in and we're just as sad. In a way, the excuses we give ourselves to believe we don't have closure are like shields. We tell ourselves it isn't really over yet. It's what we believe. When we do get our chance to speak and be heard though, or do get our "answers" as GG said..it's a let down. Nothing will change the fact that it's over, that it's come to an end. Nothing. No amount of answers, no amount of self expression. It's over. Finished.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 See, the problem is, he won't reply. I'm telling you, he won't. He will probably throw it away without reading it. So then you are going to wonder: How do I STILL tell him the things that I want to tell him? You see, you are just falling into a repetitive mode of defective thinking. If you truly wanted to be okay, you wouldn't have sent it. This isn't the right thing. You would've been 100x better off writing it and burning it. I suggest you start right NOW convincing yourself that you aren't going to try and contact him AGAIN in another way. I would almost prefer he didn't reply at this point. That would suck if he didn't read it, but I think there is more of a chance he will if I send in the mail. I just want to get things off my chest, and want him to hear what I have to say. I don't really care if he replies or not at this point. I was just upset he didn't in the past weeks. Either way, I will feel I did what I could to try to contact or let him hear me out, and nothing else can be done.
t0ri Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 He will probably throw it away without reading it. Why would they do that? Just curious, because my ex deleted the only little note I sent him, without reading it.
georgia girl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 aloneanddepressed, Give it until tomorrow to send the letter at least. Right now, your emotions are running high and you have this need to be heard by him. Tomorrow, you may not feel that way and you can always send it tomorrow if you do. Think of it this way: you only get to send that letter once. It's like having one ace left to play. You can play it now, but then you can never play it again. Or, you can hold onto it for a little bit longer. You can always send it, but you only can do it once (otherwise, it borders on stalker-ish). I just hope you don't send it. The letdown will be hard.
georgia girl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Why delete it? Because they know it will make them feel bad, or guilty, or be full of emotion. They don't want emotion from us anymore, so they'll just ignore it rather than deal with it. I have to say, I've been on both sides of the dumping fence. I once ignored a letter an ex sent me and I did throw it in the trash without reading it. My roommate, who saw the letter first, commented to me on my lucky escape. I didn't disagree. Now, having experienced being dumped, I understand what drives the writer. I just don't ever want to be the author of the letter that goes in the trash.
hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Why would they do that? Just curious, because my ex deleted the only little note I sent him, without reading it. If my ex wrote me something, I would throw it away. I suppose because he dumped me and has been trying nonsense every few months to get back into my life, and I'm just over it now. That's just it, to be honest. If you care about the person and I mean beyond "platonic" but if you still have feelings for the person you'll read it. If you are over those feelings and just want to be done with it, you won't. You kind of get that feelings (depending on how persistent or not the person was) like "okay when is this going to stop already?" You might be annoyed. My most recent ex tried contacting me recently, the ONLY reason I responded is because I had already made it clear I didn't want to hear from him when he emailed me a few months prior, and there he was again. It was like okay, yes I realise I'm the best thing that ever happened to you and you were ungreatful, and now you've spent a year seeing what else is out there and it's just ocurred to you what a great thing you lost, boo hoo. Hopefully he will learn the life lesson he was supposed to from all this, I know I did. If he does, I'm sure he will be happy again with someone and I hope he does.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 aloneanddepressed, Give it until tomorrow to send the letter at least. Right now, your emotions are running high and you have this need to be heard by him. Tomorrow, you may not feel that way and you can always send it tomorrow if you do. Think of it this way: you only get to send that letter once. It's like having one ace left to play. You can play it now, but then you can never play it again. Or, you can hold onto it for a little bit longer. You can always send it, but you only can do it once (otherwise, it borders on stalker-ish). I just hope you don't send it. The letdown will be hard. I don't think my thread was clear. I am sending this to clear my mind, and assume he will get it, and probably read it. Its not some attempt to make him contact me or get back with me. I do think I deserve a word and an apology the way he ended things, but I know it wouldn't be any time soon, even if he did. Maybe in time, but yeah I personally know if I don't send this I can't start moving on.
hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 You gotta do what you gotta do alone. If you think it will make you feel better, go for it. If it doesn't let it lie. Best of luck dear.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Why would they do that? Just curious, because my ex deleted the only little note I sent him, without reading it. My most educated psychological guess? Weakness. They can't face reality. They will usually be some guise or excuse if anyone would ask, but it really comes down to personal weakness.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 If my ex wrote me something, I would throw it away. I suppose because he dumped me and has been trying nonsense every few months to get back into my life, and I'm just over it now. That's just it, to be honest. If you care about the person and I mean beyond "platonic" but if you still have feelings for the person you'll read it. If you are over those feelings and just want to be done with it, you won't. You kind of get that feelings (depending on how persistent or not the person was) like "okay when is this going to stop already?" You might be annoyed. My most recent ex tried contacting me recently, the ONLY reason I responded is because I had already made it clear I didn't want to hear from him when he emailed me a few months prior, and there he was again. It was like okay, yes I realise I'm the best thing that ever happened to you and you were ungreatful, and now you've spent a year seeing what else is out there and it's just ocurred to you what a great thing you lost, boo hoo. Hopefully he will learn the life lesson he was supposed to from all this, I know I did. If he does, I'm sure he will be happy again with someone and I hope he does. I know if I received letters, voicemails or whatever from an ex, regardless of me being the dumper or dumpee, I would read them out of curiosity. In this situation, I know he probably does feel guilty unless he has no conscious, which is hard to believe. I know that is must care a little bit, because its not been months or anything. Also, its not like he told me it was over or ended it like a normal human being. He was at fault there, he has to feel some guilt. If i send something in the mail, I don't think he would expect it, so I would think he might read it. Oh well, like I said what else can be done. Screw it.
georgia girl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Go ahead and send it then. Good luck. We're all still here for you, no matter what. I really hope it makes you feel better. As you note, you used to not care if you were heard, but now you've found your voice. Take care!
Thaddeus Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 My most educated psychological guess? Weakness. They can't face reality.Oh, I don't know about that. TXF, as I understand, does have a background in psychology and I respect that learning. But I don't think weakness is necessarily the reason. It could be that he simply doesn't care one way or the other what's in the note. Or he's received so many notes/texts/whatever that he figures one more is simply a re-hashing of what's already been said, over and over and over again.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I know he probably does feel guilty unless he has no conscious, which is hard to believe. Actually, from you've described to me personally, I think it's highly probable he doesn't. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Go ahead and send it then. Good luck. We're all still here for you, no matter what. I really hope it makes you feel better. As you note, you used to not care if you were heard, but now you've found your voice. Take care! Ok thanks. I actually haven't sent it yet, but I'm pretty sure I will. Maybe it will help or maybe it won't but I think its getting to the point, what else is left to be done. He is a loser who won't communicate or has no concern or respect for anyone, especially someone he knew this long.
Thomas X Forever Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Thaddeus, I like you and think you're intelligent. I should have clarified... MOST times, it arises from personal weakness. NOT all times. What you have brought up, Thaddeus, is the other likely scenario.
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Well this is the main reason I figured he may not read it. He will thinks its more of the same lashing out I already sent him. That is one reason I want to wait a little while, but of course not too long. I don't want to look like I'm hung up on this for months end. I think it depends on the situation and the person. He either reads it or he doesn't. Like I said what else can be done. Oh, I don't know about that. TXF, as I understand, does have a background in psychology and I respect that learning. But I don't think weakness is necessarily the reason. It could be that he simply doesn't care one way or the other what's in the note. Or he's received so many notes/texts/whatever that he figures one more is simply a re-hashing of what's already been said, over and over and over again.
moo Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I know you are contacting him to clear your mind. I guess in my experience when I told myself that and even when I did not ask him back, his cold words or him ignoring me still cut deep. If you don't get a response, I think you should assume that he got it, and should not try to send him another one. Good luck. I hope it makes you feel better.
hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I know if I received letters, voicemails or whatever from an ex, regardless of me being the dumper or dumpee, I would read them out of curiosity. In this situation, I know he probably does feel guilty unless he has no conscious, which is hard to believe. I know that is must care a little bit, because its not been months or anything. Also, its not like he told me it was over or ended it like a normal human being. He was at fault there, he has to feel some guilt. If i send something in the mail, I don't think he would expect it, so I would think he might read it. Oh well, like I said what else can be done. Screw it. Well, is that what you want? To make him feel guilty? Or at least having the option to fantasize he read it and feels guilty?
Author aloneanddepressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Well, is that what you want? To make him feel guilty? Or at least having the option to fantasize he read it and feels guilty? Not the only reason I want to send it, but Yes, he should feel guilty. I do want that. :mad:He hurt me(not just because we broke up), and he deserves to be hurt even worse. I also feel some guilt so I want to send it to relieve my conscious and apologize for anything I could have done better. I want him to know I'm aware of my faults, and I could have improved on my part. I think a lot of people think people aren't aware of their faults or capable of making changes, especially in relationships. He seems to think he is such a nice guy, or hell maybe he knows he's not. I want him to know that I think he is not a good guy for the way he handled this and for other reasons...that he may not be aware of. Like I said I'm very verbal, and I get pleasure out of getting things off my chest for whatever reasons
Thomas X Forever Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Yes, he should feel guilty. I do want that. he deserves to be hurt even worse. I... apologize for anything I could have done better. I want him to know I'm aware of my faults, and I could have improved on my part. I want him to know that I think he is not a good guy for the way he handled this and for other reasons... What? Why would you apologize for what's wrong with you, as if you are worthy of redemption, but then say those things in the same paragraph? Although I think he was ultimately in the wrong for how he dealt with things, I think you're lying by apologizing for yourself. I don't mean to be offensive or mean. Just objective for your own benefit. You are not thinking clearly. In my honest opinion, don't send the letter. Too much emotional instability currently. I recommend against it.
Recommended Posts