joshi01 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Two weeks ago after coming back from the cottage my wife broke the news she was unhappy and wants to leave. She said she has been unhappy for a while. She said i was not there for her emotionally and our communication wasn't the greatest. She is tired of me saying I'm going to change and do nothing about it. She had two miscarriages this year and I wasn't there for her to support her. I thought she was handling it on her own way. She decided it will best if she left the house for few days to think things over and she will come back on Friday, she left on a Monday. She returned home on Wednesday...she came home two early because of our 3 year old son. She agreed to go for counseling but she said she will try it but won't promise anything. She is ready to leave me. We had our first meeting last Sunday. She said she felt the counselor was trying to pressure into giving our marriage a chance. We met the counselor separately. This Sunday we'll meet with him as a couple. I told her if she's not happy when we seem this this time that we find someone else. I know it's too late but I'm doing my best to show her that I will change this time. I didn't know she was so unhappy and I she was hurting so much. I don't know what to do. We are both at home and sleeping in the same bed. I can see how unhappy she is. Do i give her space and sleep in a different room. I called her today and asked to have a look at marriagebuilders.com. web site. Am i trying too much...i don't want to make her more resentful against me. I'm just trying to help the situation. Do I move out and give her space? She said she's not in Love with me. I tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me but I feel like she is just saying it. I told her she didn't have to say it back until she was ready but I will keeping telling her i love her. Any advice would be gratefully appreciated.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Well I hate to ask the obvious but does she work outside the home? Have free time to herself? Where did she go for the 3 days? Because "I'm not in love with you" is often code for "I'm in love with someone else". And before you pour your heart and soul into fixing this, you should know where you stand... Mr. Lucky
bean1 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I have to disagree with thinking that there is another man involved, or even exploring that at this time - she has had TWO miscarriages in this year! That is extremely devestating for a lot of women. By the OP's own admission, he states he wasn't there to support her through 2 miscarriages. That alone is enough for a woman to seriously consider a divorce.
Author joshi01 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 There's not another man...she sayed with a friend from work (girl). I really don't know what to do. I'm trying to talk to her but I feel like all I'm doing is making her mad. What can I do to help her? Just leaver her alone and not talk to her...then she feel like i'm back to my old self again. I feel like it will best if she moved out so that she can take time to think things over and not be around me. I don't know if this will make things worse for us.
jmargel Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Like the previous poster said between the communication failure and the miscarriages good chance she has become depressed. Here are some of the signs: Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation. Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in or ability to enjoy former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month. Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia). Psychomotor agitation or retardation. Either feeling “keyed up” and restless or sluggish and physically slowed down. Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued and physically drained. Even small tasks are exhausting or take longer. Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. Harsh criticism of perceived faults and mistakes. Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things. With that said, you can ASK her 'Do you feel depressed?'. If she replies with a yes or something of that sort, you can SUGGEST maybe seeing a doctor, commenting on how much she has been through with the miscarriage. Anyway the point here is to not hound her for answers on the marriage or her feelings, etc.. What you can say is 'When you are ready to talk about things, I will be here to listen'. Then let it go. It will be a roller coaster for awhile. She'll have good days and bad. The thing here is to make sure you are AVAILABLE. Not go off and do your own thing, expecting a phone call when she's ready to talk. Don't ignore her, yet like I said don't smother her either. Go out and have fun together, go on dates. Don't smother her with I love yous, flowers, etc.. Don't try to buy her love. When she talks, LISTEN. Don't interrupt. When she's done talking the BEST two words you can say is 'I understand'. No matter how much you want to defend yourself. The moment you do that, she won't listen to what you have to say, what she'll comprehend that as 'He still doesn't get it, he still is not validating my feelings, thus nothing in this marriage will change'. Choose your words carefully, think before you talk. The biggest thing you need to do at this time is to make her feel what she is feeling is hers. Us men hate to feel like we disappointed someone, especially our loved ones. Our first reaction when we hear this is to try to explain it away, or give reasons why this or that happened. If you try this route you will lose her. Read up on how to learn to communicate, now is the time to go back and find out what you have been doing wrong and to find out ways to fix it.
Author joshi01 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Thank you jmargel and bentnotbroken...i know I wasn't there and it kills me that she could not depend on me. If she just came and told me I'm unhappy/depressed and I need to talk...although i guess i shoudl have asked. I will stop hounding her and give her space and wait for her to come and talk to me. I will stop with I love you's...she knows I love her. I will take her out and get her to have fun again. She hates coming home...she said she gets the shakes knowing she has to go home and i guess look at me. Do I sleep in a different room? I hate seeing her so unhappy and if i do anything wrong I feel like "OK there goes another strike against me". Maybe I should just let her go so she can be happy and have time to think about what she wants.
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