unhappylady Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Thought I owed you all an upate. You all helped me so much, you have no idea how invaluable your advice was. Finished 13 month affair with MM a couple of months back. By now I should be feeling 'free', I should be saying the fog has lifted, I am feeling happier. I just can't say it. Have cried every day since I finished it but have resisted contact as I know contact would reel me straight back in. Apart from sending me roses the day after finishing it he has respected my wish for NC. I want to stop crying, want to feel happier, I want to move on but I can't. I am so devastated. Will the pain go? Will I be able to change my username to happylady? How long does it take to move on?
stampdaddy Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I am sorry for your pain, sweetie... It can get better, I just dont know when. You can be happylady, I just cant tell you how (of course unless you were with Stampdaddy ). Anyway, you have heard all of the advise I am sure, so all I can offer is some hugs and keep walking.....
spiraling downward Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Thought I owed you all an upate. You all helped me so much, you have no idea how invaluable your advice was. Finished 13 month affair with MM a couple of months back. By now I should be feeling 'free', I should be saying the fog has lifted, I am feeling happier. I just can't say it. Have cried every day since I finished it but have resisted contact as I know contact would reel me straight back in. Apart from sending me roses the day after finishing it he has respected my wish for NC. I want to stop crying, want to feel happier, I want to move on but I can't. I am so devastated. Will the pain go? Will I be able to change my username to happylady? How long does it take to move on? I'll bet there are many smug folks around here that are taking a perverse pleasure in your unhappiness... The only advice that anyone seems to be able to give is NC... I'd say that if you're more unhappy now than when you were in the affair... even if it was a roller coaster ride... you are not living.
Author unhappylady Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Thank you Stampdaddy. I just want to get to the point where he doesn't occupy my every thought. We were friends for 12 years prior to the affair, I miss the friendship...and miss the man I fell in love with. I am so lost. Loveshack helps, it's been my lifeline. There are people on here that have helped me more than any counsellor, psychologist, book or God ever could. I wish you happiness Stampdaddy, I have followed your story and am so happy that you are where you are now. I admire your strength. Take care of you.
Author unhappylady Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Thank you spirallingdownwards. No I am not living, I am existing. It was a 12 year friendship that developed into an affair so I guess a couple of months isn't that long to move on but I just thought by now I would be feeling stronger and not obsessing constantly. Nobody in my life knows of the affair so I am grieving totally on my own which is tough. I am too ashamed to reveal all, even to people close to me. I will never go down this road again, never never never never never.
bentnotbroken Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 The stats say most BS will need up to 5 years to completely heal from an A. I would imagine that it will take more than a couple of months for you to move into more substantial healing. The road to recover will never end in a hole. Keep your focus on the future and if you fall, get right back up. Don't stay down it only leads to the hole. SD, no one had a negative post until you did...remember you opened that door this time.
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 You will make progress one day at a time and eventually feel fine. Personally I feel better 1 year later where the first 6 months totally sucked. Day by day time does heal. Just DO NOT give into the idea of making contact that only leads to a really bad place. bentnotbroken, spiraling downward only posted what you KNOW some people are doing. It is a simple observation that anyone can come to if you read here long enough.
bentnotbroken Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 What did that have to do with the support that so many desperately want displayed here? Whatever the feelings anyone had, nothing was posted here to indicate that or to upset her by it being said, until he did.
spiraling downward Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 SD, no one had a negative post until you did...remember you opened that door this time. What do you mean? I started a whole negative thread last week... geesh, give me some credit.
stampdaddy Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 The stats say most BS will need up to 5 years to completely heal from an A. I would imagine that it will take more than a couple of months for you to move into more substantial healing. The road to recover will never end in a hole. Keep your focus on the future and if you fall, get right back up. Don't stay down it only leads to the hole. SD, no one had a negative post until you did...remember you opened that door this time.[/QUOTE] Hey, be careful, I AM SD!! I was here first
spiraling downward Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 The stats say most BS will need up to 5 years to completely heal from an A. I would imagine that it will take more than a couple of months for you to move into more substantial healing. The road to recover will never end in a hole. Keep your focus on the future and if you fall, get right back up. Don't stay down it only leads to the hole. SD, no one had a negative post until you did...remember you opened that door this time.[/QUOTE] Hey, be careful, I AM SD!! I was here first OMG!! My brain is really twisted now!! I yield to you, sir. I'll just be SD Wannabe...
bentnotbroken Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 The stats say most BS will need up to 5 years to completely heal from an A. I would imagine that it will take more than a couple of months for you to move into more substantial healing. The road to recover will never end in a hole. Keep your focus on the future and if you fall, get right back up. Don't stay down it only leads to the hole. SD, no one had a negative post until you did...remember you opened that door this time.[/QUOTE] Hey, be careful, I AM SD!! I was here first Touche':D
bentnotbroken Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 What do you mean? I started a whole negative thread last week... geesh, give me some credit. Credit given.
spiraling downward Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Credit given. thank-you... somehow I feel like I wasted your bandwidth though.
ladydesigner Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Thanks for your post unhappylady. I hope things start to get better for you each day. I'm sure NC will help speed the process, it is what I should be doing. I began an affair with an ex co-worker, whom I was friends with for over a year before the affair began. He ended the affair but has still remained in contact with me as a friend. This definitely has lengthened my healing process. It has been about a year since my affair ended and it is just now starting to get better. I should be doing NC. Much strength love and healing to you.
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Sorry you're hurting...Give yourself time. Time to grieve and heal. Cry it out and each day make yourself do something fun to get out of your head and emotions. Maybe you need to open up and talk to one of your friends, one that you trust and could help support you. Or talk to family.. Going through this alone isn't easy on you.
GreenEyedLady Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 By now I should be feeling 'free', I should be saying the fog has lifted, I am feeling happier. I just can't say it. I want to stop crying, want to feel happier, I want to move on but I can't. I am so devastated. Will the pain go? Will I be able to change my username to happylady? How long does it take to move on? Everyone is different. It takes some people more time than others. Have you talked to a counselor about your R? It might help you if you could work through everything with someone else, if not just get your feelings out and be able to process everything. Someone who can give you ways to cope and strategies to use in your life that will be helpful to you. You might also need anti-d's if you're depressed. They will help take the edge off. This is a time for growth. It's a time for self-reflection for figuring out where you want to go and how you're going to get there. I myself am a very resilient person. I consider my failures as bumps in the road of my life. When I hit one, I regroup, figure out what I need to do to get where I want to go, and then begin again. I do not believe in wallowing and putting myself down. I simply try, try again. I think you need to ask yourself some questions: What is keeping me from moving on? And be honest with yourself. What was it about my R that keeps me from being happy that I am now free to pursue my needs? Why was I with an unavailable person? (I don't know your story, but I think you need to really pay attention to this one. Were you at a vulnerable point in your life? Were you lied to? Did you just get caught up in it?) Acknowledge your feelings. In these R's there are so many emotions. Intense emotions. Feel, so that you can grieve and you can move on. You have to say goodbye to what you had. Put the past where it belongs and move forward to a better future. I know this sounds silly, but talk positive to yourself. You are worthy of love and you are worthy of a happy life. Surround yourself with people who will support you. Use this as a learning experience. Take what you need from this R and learn the lesson you need to learn. You'll make it. It just takes time. (((HUGS)))
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 What did that have to do with the support that so many desperately want displayed here? Whatever the feelings anyone had, nothing was posted here to indicate that or to upset her by it being said, until he did. It is an easy comment to just ignore, but you chose to point it out. Some people here just spoil for the fight. In a strange way that seems to be a way of healing. I know because I used to engage in that type of activity myself. But once I got past most of the pain the desire to engage in the fight went away.
me003 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 It is an easy comment to just ignore, but you chose to point it out. Some people here just spoil for the fight. In a strange way that seems to be a way of healing. I know because I used to engage in that type of activity myself. But once I got past most of the pain the desire to engage in the fight went away. I have been on both sides so I can relate to both. Wish I had not experience either or that i had never found out but like a saying in a movie rejection is God's protection. If you see it that way thing will only be a bump in the road (GEL) and nothing more. Breaking NC is hard, but necessary to heal. Wish I could tell you that NC is easy, but I guess it depends on you, how you feel, how busy you stay, how many close friends and family you have, and if your willing to let someone (deserving of you )into your heart. I have ended relationships in the past and its taken days or another person to come in to my life. This one however is unique in that its hard. He got deep inside and no matter how hard I try, I can't erase the feeling. However each day I think of him less and less.
pkn06002 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Breaking NC is hard, but necessary to heal. Wish I could tell you that NC is easy, but I guess it depends on you, how you feel, how busy you stay, how many close friends and family you have, and if your willing to let someone (deserving of you )into your heart. I have ended relationships in the past and its taken days or another person to come in to my life. This one however is unique in that its hard. He got deep inside and no matter how hard I try, I can't erase the feeling. However each day I think of him less and less. DO NOT break NC!!!!! You will only start over. I felt like you are describing and only NC and time helped. You are already seeing the results of NC stick with it.
girrlwonder Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 There is a great memoir out there titled "Eat, Pray, Love." I am not a religious person, but it helped me when I was at a dark point. It's more about living life on your terms and surviving hard times.
bentnotbroken Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 It is an easy comment to just ignore, but you chose to point it out. Some people here just spoil for the fight. In a strange way that seems to be a way of healing. I know because I used to engage in that type of activity myself. But once I got past most of the pain the desire to engage in the fight went away. I can see how you "used" to spoil for a fight. Glad you got past it.
Author unhappylady Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Wow thank you so much for your invaluable advice. I guess time is the key here and taking care of myself. GEL as always your post hit the nail on the head for me. It's strange as I have spent two months thinking of nothing else but the affair and him and memories etc yet I haven't once looked inward and questioned how the hell I got into that position...I did the thing and became the sort of woman I have always despised. I do need to question why I did it and why I put up with accepting crumbs. I am proud I ultimately made the right decision but from reading your post I realise that in order to move on I need to acknowledge why it happened and why I am stuck still. And boy oh boy am I stuck. I just can't turn off the love but I hope that the love will somehow fade or change. Thank you so much.
norajane Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 You can redirect that love toward yourself. If you haven't yet reached the stage where you're thinking about how and why you made the choices you did to get into it, then you may not have yet started thinking about making better choices for yourself. Acknowledging your choices and actions in creating the situation actually gives you strength because it helps you understand that you are in control, were always in control of yourself and your actions. You didn't just get swept into it - you made conscious decisions every step of the way into the affair. Which means that it is also within your power to change your circumstances now. You don't have to feel you are just being carried along with the pain. You can own the pain and put it behind you. YOU are in control of YOU. I don't know if this will help, but to get over break-ups, I try to minimize the amount of time I spend thinking about him. I set a specific time of day when I will give myself X amount of time to do nothing but think and cry and wallow and whatever. And the rest of the day, if I catch myself thinking about it, I literally tell myself to stop, that I'll have plenty of time to think about it later at my scheduled time, but right now I will focus on work, watching the movie, making dinner, working out...whatever it is I'm doing right then. Every so often, decrease that allotted thinking time by a little bit, even if it's only 15 minute increments. Soon, you will have compartmentalized him to only a few minutes a day and then no minutes a day. The rest of the time, focus on yourself. Please make time to exercise. That's one of the sure-fire ways to get some good endorphins flowing through your body. It really makes a difference in how you feel generally.
bentnotbroken Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 You can redirect that love toward yourself. If you haven't yet reached the stage where you're thinking about how and why you made the choices you did to get into it, then you may not have yet started thinking about making better choices for yourself. Acknowledging your choices and actions in creating the situation actually gives you strength because it helps you understand that you are in control, were always in control of yourself and your actions. You didn't just get swept into it - you made conscious decisions every step of the way into the affair. Which means that it is also within your power to change your circumstances now. You don't have to feel you are just being carried along with the pain. You can own the pain and put it behind you. YOU are in control of YOU. I don't know if this will help, but to get over break-ups, I try to minimize the amount of time I spend thinking about him. I set a specific time of day when I will give myself X amount of time to do nothing but think and cry and wallow and whatever. And the rest of the day, if I catch myself thinking about it, I literally tell myself to stop, that I'll have plenty of time to think about it later at my scheduled time, but right now I will focus on work, watching the movie, making dinner, working out...whatever it is I'm doing right then. Every so often, decrease that allotted thinking time by a little bit, even if it's only 15 minute increments. Soon, you will have compartmentalized him to only a few minutes a day and then no minutes a day. The rest of the time, focus on yourself. Please make time to exercise. That's one of the sure-fire ways to get some good endorphins flowing through your body. It really makes a difference in how you feel generally. Yes, please redirect that love to yourself. Love yourself guarantees that you will always be loved with the utmost respect.
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