Friendsfirst Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 My wife and I have been separated for 6 months now. We sold the house and we each have our own apartment with a one year lease. We have 9 months until our leases are up and this is where things stand: If you read any of my previous posts you will see we did have a lot of problems with my family. We have since taken care of those problems, at least for now, and now things still don’t seem right. We do talk on the phone a lot. Usually at least one hour a day and we see each other 1X – 2X a week. If I am at her house we will hang out for a little bit but then she’ll ask me to leave so she can have her alone time. And even when we are together there doesn’t seem to be any spark. We are not affectionate and if by chance we are it seems very tense. My wife always wants to talk about herself and what’s going on in her life but rarely asks about mine. We don’t do anything just the two of us, there is always someone else involved and if there isn’t then she is texting…all the time. I am confident she is texting her girlfriends but why all the time? Why is she so focused on them? It’s our marriage that’s at stake. We don’t talk about our future at all and if we do it’s usually material things we talk about, not our relationship. I have asked her to go to counseling with me but she says she has too much going on. When I do bring up the future I always get the response “You’re always trying to rush things, I just want to take my time”. I am at a loss; I don’t know what to think anymore. Is this where things should stand having already been apart 6 months?
LisaUk Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hi I just read all your back post. Firstly let me say how sorry I was to see that you asked for help, yet hardly anyone responded to you. From reading your back threads you and your w have seperated because she has expressed that she can no lonegr cope with your family and in particular your controlling and passive aggressive father? You still see her regularly, but when you do she is preoccupied and does not seem at all interested in resolving your seperation? In addition she suggested that during the seperation both of you should date? What I really want to say is that marriage is essentially about the two of you, you and her are your family now. However, I do apprecaite that family comes as part of the package and if there are problems this could cause difficulties. What have you done to resolve the situation with your family during the 6 months you have been separted? Or is it a case of you really cannot do anything? You have sold your house, so I don't really see why your w is not willing to move somewhere else with you. Has she expressed that she is hurt by the way you have handled your family with regards to her? Has she expressed any dissatisfaction with your relationship? See, what I don't understand here, is if the problem is with your family and you have made it clear to her that you will move away and limit contact with them to that of neccesaity (eg Christmas, Birthdays, Weddings etc), why she has a problem with you?
Enema Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Sounds like she's already checked out of your marriage. Her expressing that you should both (how generous!) date while you're separated is an indicator to me that she's already got someone in mind or maybe even started something before the separation. She's more focused on the other man for now and is why she's not really putting any effort in, or seriously considering a reconciliation. If it doesn't work out with the new guy, she might fall back to you as a safety net until she can find another guy she wants to try out.
Author Friendsfirst Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Thanks for your responses so far. LisaUK..thanks so much for going back and reading my previous posts. Let me just clarify we are not dating other people. At first we said that we would but then I decided I wasn't comfortable with it and we decided against it. My wife has stated to me that in the past she was upset about the way I handled my family but recently has stated that she is now happy with the way I have been handling things. I could go on and on about things that have happened with my family but I won't. I will just say that they are very difficult people to get along with and it is not only her that has difficulty. They are extremely judgemental and often hippocritical. I have made it very clear to my family how I feel about her and that I won't put up with anymore of the nonsense. But is it too late? Has there been too much damage done? We both say we love each other and can't imagine life without one another but is that still a possibility? It seems as though she can't be around me all that much. She gets to a point and then she needs time to herself. How will we live together again if that is the case? Affection is pretty much non-existent, sex has been very minimal, and the amount we see each other is minimal...but yet when we talk on the phone things are great.
hopesndreams Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Sounds like she is done. Go NC. That might snap her out of it, and if it doesn't, you get used to living without her in your life. Give it a try. One week. Don't tell her either, that spoils it. This is a test. Will she call you, contact you in any way? If not, then you know. She's done.
Author Friendsfirst Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 What's NC? That idea may work for some but will not work for us. She calls me all the time including every single morning when she wakes up. We talk great on the phone but when we are together it's just awkward. I'm trying to understand why that is...does she look at me more as a friend?
hopesndreams Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 NC means no contact. Sure, she is having great phone convos with ya, as in she is using you and throwing you bread crumbs. You want more!! Cut out the phone chit chat. Will she miss you? Miss you enough to get back with you? If you are just wanting her to be friends with you, then talking on the phone, visiting her, etc will work just fine for the both of you. If you want more than that, make her miss you. Otherwise, she is happy the way things stand and will make no strides in being back together. Friendzoned by your own wife. It's insulting unless you too want to be friends and nothing more. Six months have passed. That is a very long time. She needs to cut you loose, with friends like her, you don't need enemies.
Author Friendsfirst Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I definitely agree with you and am glad to hear that someone else agrees with me on where were at after 6 months. I do feel like were friends but then every once and a while she'll cuddle with me or be affectionate and I run with it. She says she's taking time to straighten things out with herslef and from everything I've seen she truly is but can't that be done with me as we work on our relationship? I understand we have our own places and there's not much we can do about that for the next year but shouldn't we be wanting to stay together more often?
hopesndreams Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 shouldn't we be wanting to stay together more often? Yes, absolutely...what else, or rather who else, does she have on the go?
Author Friendsfirst Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I understand why one would think there is someone else but as much as I talk to her I don't think that's the case. I don't think she would have time. We talk every night before bed and every morning when she gets up and many times in between. This is one of the many reasons why I wonder where she's at with "us" and how she really feels.
hopesndreams Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I am confident she is texting her girlfriends but why all the time? Why is she so focused on them? Something is standing between you and her...and until you figure out who or what it is...you stand no chance.
LisaUk Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Probably a silly question but have you talked to your w about how you feel and how she feels? Have you asked what nore she needs you to do? Is there anything more she needs you to do? Is she willing to go to MC with you?
phineas Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I was in your shoes. We were seperated & she wanted it to work on our marriage but kept telling me she needed space. Basically we only spent time together when she wanted. She would call me up to tell me she just wanted to hear my voice. Send me nudie pics on the cell phone, stop by to give me a "quickie". But, we never really spent any time together unless I complained then she'd only want to do things on nights when it was her turn to have the kids & she knew I allready had plans. Then we'd spend time & she'd look for a way to start an argument then say she couldn't be around me because we argued. It didn't add up. I learned she had someone else. She was stringing me along while she worked on making him a permanent fixture in her life. Bottom line, do her actions & words match up? If not, she's BSing you. It's tought to admit, I didn't want to admit when everything I posted on this forum screamed affair. Do you have kids?
Author Friendsfirst Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I have recently backed off of asking to work on things because everytime I do she gets tense, stressed and just wants to take her time. I feel like a friend that says I love you...All signs do point towards her having someone else but I still don't see how she'd have time. Am I being ignorant? She still talks like we are going to be together forever but doesn't act that way. I feel as though I'm getting a bit resentful towards her as time goes on and I don't want this to turn ugly.
Author Friendsfirst Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Sorry, forgot to answer the question...no we don't have kids.
Author Friendsfirst Posted July 30, 2009 Author Posted July 30, 2009 Phineas...how did things work out in the end for you? How long were you separated? Your situation sounds so similar and would just like to hear more if you're willing to share. Thanks.
Author Friendsfirst Posted July 31, 2009 Author Posted July 31, 2009 Here's the latest. Last night she asks me "why haven't you been calling me honey or sweetie, that's not like you?" and she has been really really nice. However today atleast one of us had to run an errand and I suggested that we ride together. Her response was "well then I'd have to come back all that way to get you." All the way back was maybe 15 min. and as far as I am concerned I would go any distance for her. Any other pointers?
MrMayI Posted July 31, 2009 Posted July 31, 2009 just me, but i would do my best to go no contact with her. give her a taste of life without you. i'm going through a separation right now as well. while mine's only been about 6 weeks, i'm still going limited contact as we do have a child. it's going nicely. stop telling her you love her. she knows she's taking you along for the ride, and as long as you give her indication you're still waiting, she's just going to keep you doing just that, waiting.
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