Stark Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Relationships = Give and take. Compromise, someone made a good suggestion about your BF taking pictures if you just like it for the posing. You're going to find it hard to find a guy that accepts you posing nude and especially putting them online, if it matters to you that much.
Author Wakely Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Oh oh. Sorry to say, I predict this will not end well. Why not? Because I don't want to compromise on this? Or because of the living situation? I guess I feel like he knew what he was getting into, so I'm kinda annoyed that it's coming up now, after I went through all this to move in with him.
Thaddeus Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Why not? Because I don't want to compromise on this? Or because of the living situation?Both. See Stark's comment. Relationships = Give and take. Compromise, someone made a good suggestion about your BF taking pictures if you just like it for the posing. You're going to find it hard to find a guy that accepts you posing nude and especially putting them online, if it matters to you that much.
Author Wakely Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Relationships = Give and take. Compromise, someone made a good suggestion about your BF taking pictures if you just like it for the posing. You're going to find it hard to find a guy that accepts you posing nude and especially putting them online, if it matters to you that much. Yeah, it's a good suggestion, but something I would do in addition to shooting with real photogs. I would also be okay with him coming to shoots. I've dated a lot of guys who didn't mind. Most liked it. They thought my photographs were hot, and that if it was something I enjoyed doing, and got something (cash or trade, and the fulfillment from being creative and creating art) for, it was fine.
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I've dated a lot of guys who didn't mind. Most liked it. They thought my photographs were hot, and that if it was something I enjoyed doing, and got something (cash or trade, and the fulfillment from being creative and creating art) for, it was fine. And how did those relationships end? The more a guy cares about you, the less he's going to be ok with other guys looking at you naked.
Stark Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 And how did those relationships end? The more a guy cares about you, the less he's going to be ok with other guys looking at you naked. Exactly what I was going to say. Guys that will see you just for fun and for a while will think it's hot, but exactly these words right here. The more a woman grows on a guy, the more protective he's going to be of the things that are intimate between him/her. That includes being naked.
norajane Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Why not? Because I don't want to compromise on this? Or because of the living situation? I guess I feel like he knew what he was getting into, so I'm kinda annoyed that it's coming up now, after I went through all this to move in with him. Because you only "recently" got back in touch, as you said, and you are already making yourself financially dependent on him. You're just now establishing what it means to be a couple, yet you've given up everything in order to move in with him to a city where you cannot afford to live on your own. That makes you highly dependent on him when you really don't know how things are going to work out between you.
lora22 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Oh my. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Wholeheartedly agree with the above posters. You really need to either stop modeling, or talk to your bf about this. Relationships always involve compromise. If you don't want to compromise on this issue (and that's what your bf wants), you should do yourselves a favor and end the relationship. Have you talked to anyone about this? As in, friends in the industry, such as other models or photographers? Assuming your bf IS jealous/insecure: I'm sure you're not the only nude model with a jealous or insecure SO. What do they say?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I'll bet your bf has no problem looking at online pictures of naked women, right? He looks, you show. Opposing sides of the same coin. I agree with others about compensation and boundaries around the use of your images, though.
Jilly Bean Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Wakely - I'm just concerned that you're digging in your heels on this, and readily admit that you don't compromise. I mean, you're not making money at this. If you were, then there would be more legitimacy to your need to do it, and then yes, I would say you had a stronger argument to your BF. But, since you do this just for personal kicks, I would hope that your BF's feelings on it would trump you doing this just for yourself. Maybe it's worth examining why this is so important to you. Do you need the external validation from other men to feel good about yourself? Do you do it for the sense of perceived sexual power?
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Wow, I can't believe the number of people who think it's okay for your SO to get decide, on your behalf, what hobbies are or are not acceptable in your world. Relationships require compromise, of course, but that is not compromise, that is him dictating to you that you change something that is apparently quite important to you, and that he was fully aware of long before you even became a couple, because he said so. No. A relationship is between two equals. I do agree with the others, however, that deception is not a good thing.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Yet it's fine for her to expect him accept her hobby and conform to HER way of life? It's a two way street. He KNEW about it before he decided to start dating her. It would be one thing if he didn't know, quite another thing if it were something new she wanted to try after 10 or so years of marriage, but that information was available to him ahead of time. The answer is simple the OP should find a guy who is just as open as her in terms of her hobby. Maybe it's just me, but given that he chose to begin dating her after being made aware of it, the presumption would be that he IS open about it.
Stark Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Wow, I can't believe the number of people who think it's okay for your SO to get decide, on your behalf, what hobbies are or are not acceptable in your world. Relationships require compromise, of course, but that is not compromise, that is him dictating to you that you change something that is apparently quite important to you, and that he was fully aware of long before you even became a couple, because he said so. I know you have an open mind given your relationship. But most people are not going to be plain out okay with this. In an ordinary relationship, you give up the ability of being single. You are no longer really free to flirt, make an emotional or physical bond with anyone else. You make time to see your significant other and so on. In short, you give up a lot of things. One could turn the other foot and question, what is a relationship but giving up the right to have less freedom? I could simply just phrase that being in a relationship is dictating a person on what they can and can't do. It's the same with this. Sharing/Revealing your body is generally considered something that you do only with your partner in a relationship. A guy feeling uncomfortable and not wanting this with this is simply being normal, the same as he wouldn't want his partner to sleep with other people, these are things that are generally reserved for partners only. Now I understand that some people don't mind this, but that has to be agreed on, because it's not something common in a relationship. The same as in your situation - You wouldn't consider them dictating for saying you can't sleep with other people in a relationship with them would you? You would just see that it's not for you. That is what people are saying. In normal circumstances, it's going to be hard to find guys that are generally not going to be put off and feel uncomfortable with this - the same as the situation for you was probably harder for you to find someone who was okay in an open relationship.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 In short, you give up a lot of things. I agree with you to a point. Asking, nee demanding that someone stop doing something because it's not appropriate for a relationship, when you KNEW ahead of time that they did whatever is being discussed, and intended to continue, is out of line. It's a bit of an extreme example of what I'm talking about, but you don't begin dating a porn star, knowing they're a porn star, and then demand that he or she stop being a porn star because you are all of a sudden not comfortable with it. You knew what you were getting yourself into.
Stark Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 I agree with you to a point. Asking, nee demanding that someone stop doing something because it's not appropriate for a relationship, when you KNEW ahead of time that they did whatever is being discussed, and intended to continue, is out of line. It's a bit of an extreme example of what I'm talking about, but you don't begin dating a porn star, knowing they're a porn star, and then demand that he or she stop being a porn star because you are all of a sudden not comfortable with it. You knew what you were getting yourself into. I understand and agree. He is to blame in a way for wasting time. Thing is, you don't realize something bothers you until it does, if that makes sense. While at the start, he probably didn't like it, but was willing to give it a try anyway, not let that interfere, or maybe he didn't genuinly care about the start. He can't exactly tell her at the start. The constant pressure to not seem "insecure/needy/clingy/insert negative trait here" about something you find uncomfortable with at the start is going to make someone not console what they find uncomfortable. But the more closer you grow to someone, the more it's going to become a problem, and it seems its probably reached breaking point with the guy that while he may adore everything about her, it's more than likely been knacking away at the back of his mind until this point. Also, he may not have cared for her at the start or that she does, and now that he does, ends up wanting her to stop because it's become serious and he's become attached to her in a way that while it's unserious- he doesn't mind, while he's serious he does. About your example, there is porn stars that have done that, after the relationship gets serious they end up quitting for their boyfriends. It's hard to tell. We don't know the person. I agree that he should have never have entered into it if he knew he'd be truly uncomfortable. But sometimes you don't know these things until you reach a point of seriousness with someone and then it just hits you.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 While at the start, he probably didn't like it, but was willing to give it a try anyway, not let that interfere, or maybe he didn't genuinly care about the start. He can't exactly tell her at the start. If he didn't like it at the start, he shouldn't have started dating her. I told my wife that I could never be physically monogamous (emotionally monogamy is a whole different thing) BEFORE our first date, so it's a cop-out saying it's too early. A lesson I learned from my first, failed, miserable marriage is that pretending to be someone you are not, no matter how minor and reasonable such a pretense seems at the time, is asking for trouble.
norajane Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Asking, nee demanding that someone stop doing something because it's not appropriate for a relationship, when you KNEW ahead of time that they did whatever is being discussed, and intended to continue, is out of line.I didn't read anywhere in the OP's posts that he asked her to stop doing anything, much less demanded it. He said something vague about her online photos. And she took it upon herself to assume it was a huge issue between them. She hasn't directly discussed it with him at all, so far.
Author Wakely Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Lots to think about here! As much as I like modeling as a creative outlet, yes, it might have to do with self-esteem also. I would be lying if I said it's not awesome to have people telling me how sexy, beautiful, talented, etc. I am. I'll just reiterate, I'm not a very confrontational person. On top of that, I really don't want to ahve a serious confrontation now, when I'm about to move to a new city for my bf. I'm already giving up a lot, he's given up NOTHING. I never downplayed my modeling. He has a link to my modeling portfolio, so before I took it down he could see everything I was up to. My past relationships ended for a number of reasons. Some I ended, some my then boyfriend ended. If I'm completely honest, the times I got dumped were pretty much for reasons like I'm a "mess" and I need to "grow up." Thos aren't anyone's exact words, but that's sorta what it came down to I guess? My last boyfriend's words were I "had too much going on." I have asked modeling/photographer friends for input before coming here. They said he's insecure and I shouldn't have to change for him. I went to them because I took my portfolio down for my boyfriend, and I got criticized for doing it. They said i should just be me and if he can't deal, dump him. Lastly, I sent him a couple photos from the last shoot he didn't know about. He was surprisingly "OK" with it? I mean, he said they were nice photos...
norajane Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 Since you haven't talked to him about your modeling, you really have no idea what he is thinking. You should ask him what he thinks before getting all upset about it.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 They said he's insecure and I shouldn't have to change for him. I went to them because I took my portfolio down for my boyfriend, and I got criticized for doing it. They said i should just be me and if he can't deal, dump him. I agree completely with your friends. And I do some boudoir photography, if you find yourself anywhere NYC send me a PM and we can setup a shoot.
Author Wakely Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Well it's something he's always known about. Simply because I would show him pictures, my portfolio, tell him about a photographer, and so on. He recently made a very snide comment about me having naked pictures on the internet for everyone to see. That's why I took my portfolio down.
Author Wakely Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I agree completely with your friends. And I do some boudoir photography, if you find yourself anywhere NYC send me a PM and we can setup a shoot. :laugh:I'm actually leaving NYC! Small world! Thanks for the support.
Stark Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 They said he's insecure and I shouldn't have to change for him. I went to them because I took my portfolio down for my boyfriend, and I got criticized for doing it. They said i should just be me and if he can't deal, dump him. He isn't insecure, you just have a hobby that most people would deem inappropriate in a relationship and its going to take more than the average guy to be OK with it, most guys are not going to be okay with their woman needing attention from other people looking at them naked. But I agree with their advice, if the hobby is that important to you and you will never give it up for a relationship then you need to find someone who can accept it. Lastly, I sent him a couple photos from the last shoot he didn't know about. He was surprisingly "OK" with it? I mean, he said they were nice photos... They probably are nice photos, it's probably not the photos he minds, it's the fact that people get to view them and you wanting the attention from others that could bother him. Have a proper talk though, these are all assumptions based on one remark.
sxyNYCcpl Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 He isn't insecure, you just have a hobby that most people would deem inappropriate in a relationship and its going to take more than the average guy to be OK with it, most guys are not going to be okay with their woman needing attention from other people looking at them naked. Hey Snark- I have a purely intellectual question for you. AKA mental masturbation. While I agree with you that from a statistical perspective, *most* men would have a problem with their woman being on display naked on the internet (or elsewhere), I am curious what you would ascribe that to? I have an opinion, but would prefer to hear yours (and any others who may wish to jump in) before I go there.
New Again Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 While I tend to agree with other posters who say your bf isn't insecure for having a (potential) problem with the nude photos, I do think he might be insecure if he makes snide comments but doesn't actually attempt to discuss an issue with you in a mature manner. In fact, you both seem pretty passive/aggressive to me. Like, he makes a snide comment, so you delete your portfolio, but continue to model in secret while continuing to stress out about how to make him understand, or whatever? It seems like it would be way easier to just be like "Hey, you knew about this before we even dated, but now I'm getting some weird vibes from you - can we talk about how you feel about my modeling?" That's being direct, and opening up a line of communication, but not being confrontational.
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