Ok. What am I doing wrong? She is not inertested in sex.....

[Madrax573]

Ok here's a big one for my first post. Thx for being patient to start with.

 

About my wife and I - I'm 32 she's 42 we have been married for 9 years this year and have two fantastic girls aged 6 and (almost) 4.

 

I was a military man when we got together and for all of our marriage I have 'worked' away, first with the force and then in the mines of Australia. She is a qualified accountant but since having our girls she has been a stay at home mum (god I hate that phrase.) Her mum was a midwife and was always working awful shifts and she didn't want that for our girls. I am an engineer and earn a good wage so she doesn't have to work and we still have a very comfortable life financially.

 

Until about a year ago I was very happy with our sex life. We were by no means 'rampant' what with me working away most of the time and two girls taking centre stage in our lives but we would on ave make love about 2 times a week. More if I had been away for a few weeks before. But about a year ago I noticed a shift in our love making. She was never one for initiating sex so I never notice until later what was happening. She would start rejecting my advances more often. this went unnoticed for a bit. Then I realised what was happening so I started paying more attention to how she was feeling and if she was stressed or run down etc. I take my role as a husband very seriously.

Then I started seeing an ugly pattern forming - if during the day I made comments on how nice it would be to get some 'alone time' that evening by the time the evening came around we have had an argument about something trivial and she would be totally off and advances by me that evening. Also I noticed that in the days leading up to her period she would be more ready to start up an argument than normal. This is 'normal' for my wife and we have talked about this on occasions, so I usually let her be and just be there for her in terms of cuddles/massages etc.

This continued for a bit and the sex was getting less frequent, even after periods of me being away. So I decided to try and talk about what was going on and if I have done something or not as the case may be. However the talk turned immediately into an argument and she went straight on the defensive and accused me of 'just wanting sex!' I tried to remain calm as reinforce the idea that I felt a healthy sex live is a cornerstone to a healthy relationship and it was about us as a couple and not just sex for the sake of sex. Anyway the fight ended without anything being resolved and I didn't know how to bring the subject up again with out another fight. So I left it alone(mistake?).

Over the next few months the situation was getting worse - less sex and more of the sex we were having was becoming imbalanced. I would spend ages on foreplay and massage and caressing etc and really get my wife worked up. Then once she had her orgasm she would put her panties back on and quickly masturbate me until I come. End of story. Once in a while we would have full intercourse and it would be great and a bit of our 'pillow talk' afterwards would be along the line that would have to do this more often. But we never would.

A few months ago I snapped and we had a big argument, not just about sex, and during this argument she told me that she felt that I was always wanting sex and whenever I went to touch her I would be imposing myself on her to have sex........Well this completely shocked me as I have always made sure not to force or cajole my wife into anything sexual. Anyway to cut the story short I finally got her to admit I never done anything like that and I am a very affectionate person that doesn't always need to progress to sex from intimate contact. I am always giving my wife back and neck massages (I've practised shiatsu for a while) and foot rubs etc. But I am also very aware of when she just wants to be left alone and doesn't want me 'pawing' over her.

Since that argument nothing has changed......we had another argument not too long ago and she basically told me that sex was 'something that just happens' and we can't put a figure on how much we do it. To which all I could say was we don't do it any more. Then she made a statement that if I felt this was such an issue to leave over then that was up to me. This floored me to be honest.

I have tried everything I can think of to find out what is going on. I have read up on lots of posts and articles on site such as this and various 'women's magazines' as to what to do about your wife that doesn't want sex etc but everything I try doesn't seem to do anything.

I am getting to the point now where I don't know what is going on. I love my wife dearly and find her very sexy and I make these feeling very clear and have told her on many occasions. All I get back is that she loves me and finds me sexy and attractive but apart from words she doesn't give any indication that this is true.......I really do feel that she just doesn't care about our sex life and for me it is an issue that will end our marriage. I have suggested counselling but all I get dismissal of any problem by my wife.

I believe there are four building blocks for a successful long term relationship. Love, Respect, Communication and physical attraction/passion. I know we aren't the best talkers so if the physical relations ship goes I know so will our marriage and I'm almost to the point where I would welcome it so I can go out and find someone who wants to be with me in every sense.

 

Please let me know if I have completely the wrong take on this as i don't know where we are going to go with this.

 

Cheers

 

Richard

[Thaddeus]

Sounds like a very common pattern.

 

He: "What's wrong, sweetheart?"

 

She: "Nothing, I'm fine."

 

He: "I can tell when something's bothering you. Will you please tell me what it is? Maybe I can help."

 

She: "NO, goddamit, I'M FINE, LEAVE ME ALONE!"

 

... months go by...

 

She: "This (insert issue of the week) has been bothering me for months, but you never address it! You don't love me anymore!!"

 

He: "But you said everything was fine."

 

She: "If you truly loved me, you would JUST KNOW!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU!!" (runs into the bathroom, sobbing)

 

From what you've written here, I think you need a disinterested third party to facilitate the discussion between you, someone who won't allow the discussion to collapse into an argument or shouting match. It's impossible to know what's going on in her head. Perhaps she's going stir-crazy from being in the house all day? Perhaps she misses you terribly when you have to go away and vents that frustration when you return? (I know, it doesn't make any sense, but human beings aren't always the most rational creatures.) Perhaps she's interested in someone else? Or perhaps she's suffering from undiagnosed depression?

 

A competent therapist or marriage counselor might be able to help untangle some of the issues.

 

You're absolutely right about one thing, though: When a couple's sex life starts to fall apart, the rest of the relationship isn't far behind. If she won't agree to counselling, then you might want to try it on your own.

 

Good luck.

[asireen]

Looks like one of 2 reasons :

1. Changes in her body makes her not wanting to have sex as before. This could be a physiological reason coming with advancing age.

2. She is having an extramarital affair (from your post, it looks unlikely)

First you need to find out the reason for this change (by talking and observing) before deciding your course of action.

[angie2443]

I believe there are four building blocks for a successful long term relationship. Love, Respect, Communication and physical attraction/passion. I know we aren't the best talkers so if the physical relations ship goes I know so will our marriage and I'm almost to the point where I would welcome it so I can go out and find someone who wants to be with me in every sense.

 

Please let me know if I have completely the wrong take on this as i don't know where we are going to go with this.

 

Cheers

 

Richard

 

Could it be that the relationship was going down hill and you just didn't notice it? Sex is important to a relationship. At the same time, for most women, a good emotional connection in a relationship is important and if it's not there, the desire for sex often leaves. I don't know if this has happened in your marriage. Maybe MC could help if you want your marriage to have a chance. Good luck.