Nuala83 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hi everyone, I've been feeling a little down these past couple of days so I've come back here to vent some of my feelings. Today is the one year anniversary of my dad's death. This time last year after I'd told my ex (who I was with at the time) the news of my father's passing, he came over, wrapped his arms around me and told me he didn't care about anything else in the world, he only ever wanted to be with me. Fast forward to today and not even a phonecall. He knows what day it is. I lay in bed last night and looked back on the year I've had. I lost my dad, my grandad, my job and my boyfriend of 7 years. Not a good year at all!!! BUT....I'll bounce back. All is not lost, and even if it were, I could start again. You can always start again, no matter how hard times have been. I have refrained from contacting him for over a month. I've had so many urges to call but I know what the repercussions will be and I know that I deserve better. Contacting him will put me right back to that 'bad place' (you now the one) where I really don't wanna be. I looked back at some of my earlier threads today and I think I should make some amendments and apologies. Those old threads reek of emotion, false hope and anger. When people told me 'NC is for healing yourself' I was so sick of hearing it that I though they were idiots. Now having done so many of the wrong things (for myself, not for reconciliation purposes) I can see the point they were trying to get across. My ex told me he was "confused" and "didn't know what he wanted" and "needed to find himself". Ahhh what a difference a month makes. I've finally managed to decipher his code to mean "I don't wanna be with you anymore but stick around in my life in case this new girl I wanna screw doesn't work out". That's the sad truth that I didn't want to admit to. Good news is I no longer dwell on it. I don't spend all my waking moments torturing myself by imagining what he's up to or who he's with. I just muddle along the best I can. I'm making a few changes to my life but nothing major or particularly interesting at this point. You can't just flick a switch and become a new and better you. I'm simply taking my time and getting on with things and it gets that tiniest bit better with each passing week. I've given a lot of thought to how I might react if he does call me and I've decided after a lot of thought of ways to handle things so I don't destroy all the progress I've made to this point. I'd decided that on the off chance he were to call and say he wanted me back I'd have to turn down the offer because the trust has been broken and immense hurt has been caused. I've decided if he calls and asks to be friends I'll have to politely turn down that offer as well because that too could set me back. I guess I'd just tell him I'm not intererested in that at this point in time. If however he doesn't ever call, well so be it. That would be very sad never to see him again but the pain of unrequited love would be worse. And there we have it. I'm slowly coming round to my senses and accepting the situation I find myself in. It's tough but life hasn't beaten me yet. Not speaking to him has done me the world of good and although I'm nowhere near to being over the heartache, I'm on the right path. Still have my down moments though. Today has been a really tough day for me and the memories are making me ache. Mainly the ones of my dad but also the ones of the comfort my ex gave me. Sigh. Just gotta get through it I guess.
bluewolf17 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hi Nuala, I am so proud of you. I really am. You and I are in the same place, except I am only on NC day 19. It's so hard to have feelings/emotions there, and on one hand wish they would come back, and on another hand, know that even if they did, what you had before isn't coming back. It's forever changes. You really are doing good, and I am so sorry about the death of your father. I can only imagine how hard this time must be for you know. Just remember that you are doing it. Your right, unrequited love will only damage you further. You are now in control of your own happiness (and avoiding further pain). Keep us all posted and take care of yourself! Bluewolf17
Author Nuala83 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Thanks Bluewolf, I read some of your posts and I'm sorry that thing aren't working out with you and your ex. Sounds like we both got strung along. But hey, it looks like you've made up your mind not to take it anymore. Well done! Good luck with the NC. It's a b*tch isn't it
jlr Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Your story sounds similar to mine. Especially the part where you said that you figured out that "I don't know what I want, I'm confused" means "I don't want you, but stick around in case the other thing doesn't work out". That's my situation to a tee. Sucks.
Author Nuala83 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Especially the part where you said that you figured out that "I don't know what I want, I'm confused" means "I don't want you, but stick around in case the other thing doesn't work out". That realisation hit me like a grand piano being dropped from a skyscraper onto my head. I wanted to believe it meant something else but I was kidding myself. It really hurt that he didn't call me yesterday, knowing full well what day it was. Yet it's probably best that he didn't because that would have also been hard for me. Oh well....
Soul Bear Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Nuala, I am so sorry your still hurting What a shyt situation to be in. things will be better soon for you..... *hugs*
fairycake Posted July 30, 2009 Posted July 30, 2009 Hi Nuala, on one hand wish they would come back, and on another hand, know that even if they did, what you had before isn't coming back. It's forever changes. That's exactly how I felt. It's taken me about 5 months to stop wanting him back. I've finally realised that it wouldn't be the same, what I wanted was how it was before he split with me, which is impossible. I know I deserve better than someone who could just walk away. He couldn't have loved me enough. Stay strong everyone, you're doing well.
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