Omega3 Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I just got out of a 2.5 year relationship. I was dumpee, she was the dumper. She had been living with me for the past two years. Over the course of those two years, we had multiple talks about me improving my ways of showing affection, or lack there of. Some changes were made, but never enough. Finally, she became tired of asking me of this, and broke up with me. Rightfully so, as she was unhappy. I took her for granted, that she wouldn't leave me, and she did. There's a little more to the story, but that's basically it. I should have showed her I cared more for her, because I honestly did. Now I feel awful. I feel that she did the right thing, because I really care alot about her, and if I wasn't making her happy, then she should be out of the relationship. At the same time, I feel as though the breakup has taught me what I've lost, and that I have/could change in a positive manner. Thus, I hope for another shot at some point in time. In terms of our relationship, we got along very well. Never argued with the exception of once every few months. Not even really an argument, just that we needed to make some changes were we to survive. No cheating involved, no hard feelings at the end, nothing that indicates hostility towards either of us. At first I poured open to her to try and get her back. She began telling me she felt pressured, that she needs time to think about everything. I told her I understood, but continued to pressure her for another week or two. Finally, I stopped all contact with her. I realize that pressuring her is only driving her further away, the exact opposite of what I was going for. Normally no contact is used to get over her, but I can't really say that's my goal. I know it's a possibility, as she may never give me another chance, but my intentions of not contacting her are to hopefully make her miss me, and have her give me another chance. My biggest issue right now is I continue to create false hope, then shoot myself down. I start thinking maybe not contacting her will make her see the positive sides of our relationship and want to come back, which in turn makes me hopeful. Obviously I hear nothing from her... thus slamming me back down. She's not currently dating anyone, she's telling everyone that she wants to be single and think about things. Meanwhile, I just want to prove to her that I really care about her, so I'm sitting around sulking and hoping. I just can't seem to get to the point where I want to move on. Where I say, if she comes back great, if not, I'll move on. Instead, I focus on when/if she'll come back.
joseffrost Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Hi there, You're situation sounds familiar to mine in a number of ways, how long have you been broken up now?
Author Omega3 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Hi there, You're situation sounds familiar to mine in a number of ways, how long have you been broken up now? Over a month.
Thaddeus Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Normally no contact is used to get over her, but I can't really say that's my goal. I know it's a possibility, as she may never give me another chance, but my intentions of not contacting her are to hopefully make her miss me, and have her give me another chance.The "no contact" rule (if you wish to call it a rule) does a couple of different things: It gives your ex partner the gift of missing you. Now, whether that will eventually come around where she wants to be with you again is another question altogether, but the fact is that hovering around her, staying in contact and vomiting your "feeeeeeelings" all over the place will do you more harm than good.It gives YOU the opportunity to re-connect with family and other friends without your ex shadowing your every move.It proves to you that you CAN move forward without your ex in your life. And it gives you the time and tools to do so. Will she miss you and come back? I don't know - I doubt even if she knows at this point. But 'no contact' is about YOU, not about HER. So don't follow the 'no contact' policy in hopes of getting her to do something. Follow it because it's the right thing for you.
Author Omega3 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 The "no contact" rule (if you wish to call it a rule) does a couple of different things: It gives your ex partner the gift of missing you. Now, whether that will eventually come around where she wants to be with you again is another question altogether, but the fact is that hovering around her, staying in contact and vomiting your "feeeeeeelings" all over the place will do you more harm than good.It gives YOU the opportunity to re-connect with family and other friends without your ex shadowing your every move.It proves to you that you CAN move forward without your ex in your life. And it gives you the time and tools to do so.Will she miss you and come back? I don't know - I doubt even if she knows at this point. But 'no contact' is about YOU, not about HER. So don't follow the 'no contact' policy in hopes of getting her to do something. Follow it because it's the right thing for you. Oh I agree completely. I'm doing the no contact for the wrong reason, I'm doing it with the hopes of getting her back, instead of trying to move on, which is causing me alot of pain. I just can't seem to let go and try to move on yet, as much as I would like to since it would remove this pain.
joseffrost Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 It's been 6 and a half weeks for me, and it's only been the last week where I've been able to sleep for more than 4 hours a night or eat a full meal. I know it's tough, but don't sit around and sulk to try to prove anything to her. If that's genuinely the way you feel, then by all means grieve, but nobody likes a sad case. I've been the dumper in the past and I remember one girl who would call me crying, reciting poetry, sending my 'I'm Sorry' cards, and it didn't work. Only months later, when I met her by chance and she seemed to be really together and confident, did I find her attractive again. If you want my advice, the best thing I've done, and what is really lifted me out of the hole, is to make plans and live your life. Get back in touch with old friends, book a holiday, just go out and flirt with a girl or two, it does wonders for the self-confidence (which is attractive to anyone, especially someone who already knows your good points). Trust me, I know that doing what I just said is F**KING HARD. And I couldn't have imagined it a few weeks ago, but it's the best way, and maybe the only way to get over her. If she decides to come back, she'll find you, and you'll have a better chance with her if you 1. learn from your previous mistakes, and 2. let her see the 'new' you, not the guy she broke up with. If she doesn't, then at least you'll hopefully be on your way to healing. Sorry for the length of the reply and its slightly rambling nature, but I really know what you're going through, and I know how hard it is to take the advice I've just given. I wish you the best!
Author Omega3 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 It's been 6 and a half weeks for me, and it's only been the last week where I've been able to sleep for more than 4 hours a night or eat a full meal. I know it's tough, but don't sit around and sulk to try to prove anything to her. If that's genuinely the way you feel, then by all means grieve, but nobody likes a sad case. I've been the dumper in the past and I remember one girl who would call me crying, reciting poetry, sending my 'I'm Sorry' cards, and it didn't work. Only months later, when I met her by chance and she seemed to be really together and confident, did I find her attractive again. If you want my advice, the best thing I've done, and what is really lifted me out of the hole, is to make plans and live your life. Get back in touch with old friends, book a holiday, just go out and flirt with a girl or two, it does wonders for the self-confidence (which is attractive to anyone, especially someone who already knows your good points). Trust me, I know that doing what I just said is F**KING HARD. And I couldn't have imagined it a few weeks ago, but it's the best way, and maybe the only way to get over her. If she decides to come back, she'll find you, and you'll have a better chance with her if you 1. learn from your previous mistakes, and 2. let her see the 'new' you, not the guy she broke up with. If she doesn't, then at least you'll hopefully be on your way to healing. Sorry for the length of the reply and its slightly rambling nature, but I really know what you're going through, and I know how hard it is to take the advice I've just given. I wish you the best! I agree with all of that. I am continuing on in my life. I've been spending alot of time with family and friends, I'm working on my house (which was a project her and I were always wanting to complete)... I'm trying to make changes that needed to be changed. The biggest change though that caused us to breakup, can't be shown except to her, and she won't let me in right now.
joseffrost Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Well, I personally don't agree with the rigid No Contact stance taken by most people on this site - I think every situation is different and demands its own actions. The important thing is not to smother her and to give her space and time. If (and you have to think of it as 'if' and not 'when') she wants to let you in again, then you can prove to her that you have changed for the better.
Author Omega3 Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 Well, I personally don't agree with the rigid No Contact stance taken by most people on this site - I think every situation is different and demands its own actions. The important thing is not to smother her and to give her space and time. If (and you have to think of it as 'if' and not 'when') she wants to let you in again, then you can prove to her that you have changed for the better. I've already made the mistake of smothering her, so now I'm backing away completely from that. I'm going in the opposite direction with a strict no contact. I just can't get a false hope out of my head. That there's some chance... when in reality there may not be. Instead of concentrating on moving on, I'm concentrating on the smallest things that could make an opening...
joseffrost Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I know what you mean, I did the smotherin at first (I flew from London to Ireland to see her/emailed/called and tried to sound casual) but now I'm in NC - but if she calls/texts/emails I will reply. I'm doing it to wean me off her as my best friend, not to prove a point to her or make her miss me. I still look for crumbs of encouragement, hoping that she will realise that I'm not that bad a guy, but I know that if anything is to happen between us, a lot of water has to go under the bridge first. You're doing the right thing, the ball is in her court, and you just have to make sure that if she comes back, you'll be ready to win her over all over again.
Author Omega3 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 I contacted her yesterday. Just asking her about random things. She responded very friendly, but... just that. Friends. Not sure if it's better to stay in the friend zone and hope to pop out, or to not contact her at all and hope she misses me eventually.
andreww Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 so this is my exact situation. although my ex started to see someone else about a week after she left.
andreww Posted July 29, 2009 Posted July 29, 2009 its been 3 months for me now. 2 weeks nc. i still think about her all day everyday.
Author Omega3 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 so this is my exact situation. although my ex started to see someone else about a week after she left. That's the rebound. Doubtful that'll last.
Author Omega3 Posted July 29, 2009 Author Posted July 29, 2009 Each day I feel like I have less and less chance of getting her back. This blows. I know she still cares too, but she feels she made the right choice, and isn't going to back down from that decision....
andreww Posted August 2, 2009 Posted August 2, 2009 yeh i i feel the same way my friend. i like to think that it is her rebound but i dont like going around thinking that it is, it only will hurt worse if it isnt
Author Omega3 Posted August 3, 2009 Author Posted August 3, 2009 My Ex was lying. She is single, but she doesn't want to be. She's trying to date a guy who just broke up with his ex. For some odd reason, he doesn't seem to be giving her much of a chance though. Claims he needs time to get over his ex before he moves on.
Recommended Posts