ms.stressed Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 My ex lost his grandmother the day before Mother's Day. I took a week off work, rented a car helped him get everything together and hightailed it to the country for the funeral and such. I was supportive, encouraging, sympathetic and everything a girl in love would be when the man she loves looses someone. His family liked me too. They told him I was wonderful and we should get married yada yada. We even talked about this on our drive back. A week or so later I found a txt he sent to his best friend (a female who is also his ex) with sexually explicit content and heavy flirtation. I became hurt and angry and took the phone, told her off, called him and told him off and to pack his **** and get the **** out of my apartment! He told me that it meant nothing so I said fine and that we ca work it out if he never talks to her again. We agreed and since then it's been aloof and distant. he's moving in with some friends and he's not trying to salvage our relationship. I am the only one trying. Was I wrong in kicking him out? Is this the reason he's being this way? What should I do? I do not want to end my relationship. It's been 2 months and still no progress. ,
curiousnycgirl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Either you trust him or you don't. It has nothing to do with the other woman, and nothing to do with text messages. He can write as much explicit sexual content as he likes, the questions are 1. does that bother you? 2. do you feel he will act on what he writes? If you answer to either of those questions is yes, then it is likely that he is not the right guy for you, since you cannot trust him. If the answer is no - then why would you have forbidden him from every communicating with her again? Again - quite severe and shows you don't trust him. What happens when the next woman comes along that he feels flirty with? Will you forbid him from speaking with her too? Or perhaps his next best friend, girl or guy - if they do somehting you don't like will you forbid that friendship? My b/f had a good friend who refused to meet me. She would come to his house when I wasn't there, cook dinner, do stuff around his house and garden, and even spent the night (in the spare bedroom) a few times. He met her around the same time he met me, in the same way (online dating site) - I told him I felt she was interested in more with him, and that he should not take advantage of her. I never forbade him anything - I trusted him. In time she stopped coming over, and at the moment won't speak with him (he won't agree that this proves I was right LOL) In my opinion it all boils down to trust - if you can't trust him, then it's not the right relationship.
hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 Curious, I'm a little baffled by your post. You state it like "can you handle that he is sexually explicity texting someone else? does that bother you? Then you just don't trust him" but the way you state it is almost implying it's a faux paus on her behalf because she finds something wrong with him being explicit with another woman, more specifically an ex. I don't know who in their right mind WOULDN'T be upset by that. OP, I think you did the right thing. It's one thing to have friends, it's another to friends with exes (I don't do it, but some people do and if their partner is comfortable with that, then that's fine) but to be sexually explicit with another person, let alone an ex that's just crossing the line and it doesn't speak well for their future behavior in the relationship. It's great that you were so kind and loving and treated him so well but sweetheart, you need someone that's going to treat you loving and kindly and well right back. This guy is not doing that at all, and he is probably using this aloof behavior as a way to make you feel guilty and second guess your behviour (which kudos to him, it worked). It's really just kind of manipulative and setting you up to take more BS behavior from him in the future.
curiousnycgirl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I was not judging his actions, nor was I condoning them - because reality is they don't particularly matter, unless he was actually acting on those words. Reality is we all decide what we can and cannot live with. I continue to maintain that if it upsets her, then he's the wrong guy for her. Just like women who have issues with porn - they should not be with men who enjoy watching porn. I even provided an example from my own life - I know most folks on this board would say my b/f was cheating with the other woman I described, however I just knew he wasn't - and I trusted him. What I do not believe is that we can have equal and successful relationships when one partner is dictating what the other can and cannot do. This is not a parent child relationship - it is supposed to be a mature partnership. If you feel the need to control your partner's activities, then you are saying you can never truly trust them. Sure you can trust that they will not talk to the single individual you forbade them from speaking with - but what about the next woman he chooses to text sexually explicit content with? Well you never said no to THAT person. Truth is it's not the ex she has issues with, it's the B/F and his actions. Therefore I stand by what I said - he's probably nto the right guy for her, and she probably needs to move on.
moo Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I think the fact that he sent that text does matter, whether he acts on it or not. Just sending the text is an action and it exhibits blatant disrepect and inconsideration. Ms. Stressed, he sounds like a fool and you should not have to deal with that. ICK, he is disgusting. Stay away from that bombaclot.
Author ms.stressed Posted July 28, 2009 Author Posted July 28, 2009 I know she still loves. I did trust him which was why I never felt threatened. He told me that it was only friendship. I believed him. He lied to me and so did she. That is why I did what I did. I trusted him and he lied and she lied (I thought of her as a friend too). No, I do not want him talking to her b\c it would be wrong to be around her and him knowing what I know and seeing what I see. How would you handle your bf's ex\friend seeing the most intimate part of your man while you were with him? How would you cope with that? Could you and would you still want her around your man?
curiousnycgirl Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 See lying to me is a non starter, and I am very clear on that one from the beginning - you lie, the relationship is over. Ms. Stressed my heart goes out to you it stinks to love someone you cannot trust. Now you need to realize you love yourself more, and you deserve better. Do you honestly believe you can trust him with his next female friend? Personally I wouldn't - once caught in a lie trust is hard to win back. but that is me and I do not want to tell you what to do, I only want to help you think your way through this to ensure you do what is best for YOU, not me. So if you feel that absent his ex, you could trust him everywhere else, then yes I agree it's worth trying to fix the relationship. But if not - then it's time to heal YOU and focus on YOU. Best of luck
hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I think the fact that he sent that text does matter, whether he acts on it or not. Just sending the text is an action and it exhibits blatant disrepect and inconsideration. Ms. Stressed, he sounds like a fool and you should not have to deal with that. ICK, he is disgusting. Stay away from that bombaclot. I agree it matters. Looking at pornography is not the same as having direct contact with a real person. It also makes one wonder what's going on that those texts even existed..like okay, what's going on that she DOESN'T see? Etc.
hoping2heal Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I know she still loves. I did trust him which was why I never felt threatened. He told me that it was only friendship. I believed him. He lied to me and so did she. That is why I did what I did. I trusted him and he lied and she lied (I thought of her as a friend too). No, I do not want him talking to her b\c it would be wrong to be around her and him knowing what I know and seeing what I see. How would you handle your bf's ex\friend seeing the most intimate part of your man while you were with him? How would you cope with that? Could you and would you still want her around your man? No, I wouldn't want her around my man. But if I saw explicit texts between the two of them, I wouldn't want the man around either. It would be buh bye.
mickleb Posted July 28, 2009 Posted July 28, 2009 I don't know who in their right mind WOULDN'T be upset by that. QUOTE] I'm with hoping2heal on this one. Yeah, I guess some people are pretty liberal about these things but they are in the minority. And I ain't one of 'em. Sexual flirting? To his EX? You were not wrong to kick him out but - I'm sorry to say, I know it's horrible - you were wrong to take him back. Make him go! Good luck. x
Recommended Posts